PC talk system recommendations blog Facebook YouTube articles and guides links bio
game screensots rabb1t's ramblings podcast email
Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 5: Life online

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 223

Day 1555 - 10/3 - Plan B

Today didn't quite go as well as I hoped. Some parts were sad, some frustrating, some ok. In the morning, even though I only had a brief window for extra sleep, I got none. I think in total I got about 5 hours due to various reasons. Class was good, though I'm spacing out a bit too much, not focusing. Once the hard drive stuff is settled I should be better able to focus.

My friends are still my friends, so that's good. Though ouchies stay with me for a long time, so things still feel strange.

I saw that I got my hard drive refund back, so that was awesome as monies were very tight.

Researching on the web though I just found more and more and more posts of people who had trouble cloning their primary drive. It really frustrated me because it means no matter what I do I'm going to eventually have to get a copy of Windows, all the specific laptop drivers, and be ready for the drive to fail. I've decided that since I can't clone the disk to just strip it to bare minimum and use the SSD for everything other than the operating system. Since it's been fine for I think two weeks now, I think reducing the work the main drive does may remove the symptoms long enough that I can keep it until something more critical fails (that can't be fixed.) I tried to copy something over that was 13 gig and it failed. The system was saying 40 minutes, but then changed to 12 hours, and basically got stuck there. I tried to cancel the operation and data was missing after that, so I just deleted it. I'm now slowly taking things off one at a time and re-installing to the new drive. So far things look good. Texture lag in Borderlands 2 isn't entirely eliminated, but it has almost been. That may be a connection issue, I'm not sure. The drive can't go 100% full speed due to the laptop having an older connection type, so this isn't even as fast as it can go. One program I use is about a 10 second load now, where it was about, I'd guess, a minute before. Another is 4 seconds, where I'd guess it used to be 30. I still have lots to move, but I'll do that slowly over the next few days. I feel like it's like taking apart a Jenga block tower with a bomb on top.

I suppose today wasn't too bad, but I miss my old life. I miss being on a desktop with easier to solve system troubles. I miss going into a closet 10 feet away to get something instead of driving to the ex-garage and gathering stuff from boxes. I miss not having to worry about what time it is instead of always having to watch out for windows at certain places, always having to keep moving when those windows close. I miss being able to focus and think clearly and feeling rested. I can't remember a time when I was free of worry, stress, and sadness. It's always there now.

Day 1556 - 10/4 - Lonely times

Today was pretty lonely. I did get to sleep a bit extra at school but it would have gone a lot better if someone hadn't parked right next to me and played house music for what was probably an hour. I don't understand why they didn't just stay home longer.

The afternoon had a bit of a surprise. My friend I do online work for visited me at the restaurant. Nothing has really changed for us though, so we didn't really know what to say.

My move to the new drive is going well enough I suppose. I'm nearly done moving stuff and I'll feel a lot safer when it's done. Though I can't help but feel a lot of this was completely unnecessary since the system has seemed mostly fine and I'm not using the disk as a primary drive. Looking at my bills, spending nothing on games after next week, for almost 6 months out I'm barely going to squeak by. It even dips a bit negative at the end of the year, but that's ok as some income isn't accounted for. I will just barely eek by. So any other emergencies would have no money to cover them. Even something like going to a movie will have to be very carefully considered. I'll have to very carefully monitor my spending, which is always ridiculously stressful.

Despite my friend's visit I was very lonely today. I suppose being lonely wouldn't be so bad if I weren't also so very sad. My friends I play games with are all basically playing different things. Even the guild I'm in wasn't on at all today. I peeked in for an hour or two and I was the only one. If I were rich and in a home that's big and empty I don't think it would be so bad to be alone. At least then I could eat healthy, probably do some kind of exercise, sleep well, and have lots of physical and emotional space from the general public. Not to mention being able to filter my air and be in an allergy free environment. I think it's the combination of being lonely and so very sad that is making me so terribly depressed lately. But there is nothing I can do but keep putting out applications and keep trying to be friendly to people and hope that things change in time.

Day 1557 - 10/5 - A microwave miracle

Today was a microwave miracle. I didn't expect the work micro to be replaced in anything less than a year's time, but there was a new one already there when I got to work. So, although I had junk tonight, I guess I can return to my weight healthy choices next week.

I guess today went ok. I did my podcast in the morning. At the restaurant I mostly watched shows. I did play for a few hours. Work had enough bandwidth I watched shows most of my shift while data was moving in the background. The disk is definitely messed up somehow. It took about 1.25 hours to copy 45 gig to the backup disk, but less than half that to move to the new disk. I'm pretty sure that was not due to the SSD speeds. Plus, it took about 30 minutes to delete it when it should have probably only been a few minutes. There are still some things to do, as I barely did any of what I planned because it took so long for that first thing, but all of the big moves are done. Though I don't understand what is taking so much space on the original disk. About 115 gig are being used, and I can't really think of what there is on there besides Windows. I'll have to look around and see what is taking up so much space. I'd think Windows would only be 30-40 gig.

I guess I feel ok. Since I was doing stuff today I didn't feel as lonely through much of the day, as my mind was preoccupied. But, as always, I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 1558 - 10/6 - So long a day

Today felt very long, and kind of sad. I didn't really do anything special. I just mostly watched shows. I played for a bit. I moved a few programs onto the new drive. In the evening my friends were on for a few hours.

But things seemed sad. Even though my friends were on, even though I talked to people at the restaurant, I felt lonely and it was not the way I would have liked my day to be. I cannot say I slept in. I cannot say I watched my Saturday night movie. I can't say tomorrow I'll sleep in again, and while others are watching football things I will have quiet gaming time. I can't because I am not in a home. And because of that my entire life and how I do things are different. And I am beginning to wonder if that will ever change.

Day 1559 - 10/7 - Felt like crying all day

Today I felt like crying all day. Nothing bad happened or anything like that. In fact, the day started out kind of good. I got to sleep a bit longer since I didn't have work. I decided to stop at a fast food place and get a sausage breakfast, which I probably haven't done in like a year. I saw a cute baby bunny video. And for the rest of the day I played games and watched shows.

But lately, despite what I thought about having a gaming system in the early days of being homeless, it seems everything I have in my life, all around me, just reminds me of everything I don't have. Beautiful girls at the coffee shop remind me I'm single, and if they are just getting a single coffee I'm reminded how many younger and more fit stale guys there are out there who they would be attracted to. Games like a demo I just got today, or the beta client I got yesterday, remind me how I don't have a good connection, and they take hours longer to do, and they interfere with doing other things if I try and do them at the same time. Things like my show I'm mostly watching now, which is on a tropical island, remind me what beautiful sound I'm missing by being limited to my headphones instead of being on my 5.1 system. And, of course, every time I eat I am reminded of how I'm eating bad food, and not able to cook.

While my life is so much more than it was while I have a working car and a gaming system, without a place to stay, without a way to get into a better place, things seem so tragically sad. I should not be constantly reminded of what I don't have and can't control. I should not need to be in the places I am. I should not feel on the verge of crying at the loss of me. Yet, as long as these troubles persist, because I am seemingly powerless to change them, it is something I can't help but feel.

Day 1560 - 10/8 - It was a day

Today was a day. I barely remember it. I slept some at school in the morning, but I had strange and sad dreams, and they woke me up shortly after having fallen asleep, so I didn't get much extra sleep. Class went ok. I focused a bit better and it was pretty basic stuff. It's all very similar to DOS style stuff, so none of it should be terribly difficult. My time before work and during was ok, but not memorable.

I think I may have found out why the tech guy who did the stuff for the restaurant is ignoring me. I think their company may not exist anymore. The other day I sent some messages to a generic company email address. They bounced and came back today. I sent the restaurant a message informing them the service has gone bad and if they were still with that company they need to smack them in the ass, and if not if I could please get an update on who took over and what is going on.

With my new games on the way I guess I feel a bit better. But my life is still bad and sad. Yes, there are things that I have that are more than others, but there are a great many things the average person has that I don't. I am always grateful for what I do have, but there is still so much missing I want back, and still so much missing I may never have. A friend posted he was sad today. While I am not the type to say someone 'doesn't have the right to be sad' I can't help but think; he has a home, a beautiful young wife, a daughter; all things I may never have in my life since I am so far behind. If I were in such a position I suppose there are things that could happen to make me sad or worried, but having none of those things, and wanting them for so many years now, it isn't a world I can imagine myself being in anymore.

Day 1561 - 10/9 - Good so far

Today seems pretty good so far. I got some extra sleep at school. It has been chilly in the mornings, down from the 90F it was just a few days ago, so it's been tough to sleep at school. I may have to start carrying towels or a blanket as much as I'd not like to for stealth reasons.

I did a bit of podcasting, so this week may be extra long. My system was a bit weird when I did, but after I canceled that Microsoft thing everything was fine. I wish they would fix that. They recently patched and now one of its two parts can't be stopped, so I think they are aware of the issue.

It's, I guess, late morning around 10:30. I'm in front of the ex-house waiting for my games to get here. I got a healthier dinner. I may try and do something similar once a week. I got some mixed fruit, a little bit of lunch meat, and a single serving bread. I should probably do vitamins, but they are expensive and I tend to forget to take them.

Well... waiting now. Hopefully my games will get here soon and my day will be super fun.

Week 224

Day 1562 - 10/10 - Hello old friend

Today was pretty good. I didn't get any extra sleep at school, which is sad as it means I only got 6 hours sleep total. But it was ok, as I spent a bit of the time playing my new game. Class was ok, but pretty boring as she just went over stuff we turned in. Since it's so basic I spaced out a lot.

I spent my time at the restaurant mostly playing my new games. Both are like old friends. XCOM is very much just about a perfect restart with new school flair added in. I set it super hard, so so far I've failed about 1.5 hours in. Dishonored is very much an evolution of the Thief series, but they have added some stuff that's new, as they kind of had to since they don't own the Thief I.P. There are enough old-school Thief elements that it very much feels like a next game in the series. So, even though they are both brand new they both have an old-school familiar style that makes me feel like they are old friends.

Speaking of friends, one of my friends I play with came on and said hi and stuff and checked if I was ok. I'm feeling much better with my new games and all, certainly more distracted and 'feeling like my old self', but there are still so many things I can't ignore. And even if I could, things like two people who were visiting the restaurant saying it seems like I'm there all the time remind me of how out of place I am. (Though both seemed amused by it more than shocked or freaked out by it.)

I guess my life of recent times is pretty ok, but still, I can't help but think of what I'm missing, and how sad I am for that, even in the best of times.

Day 1563 - 10/11 - Crunch time

Today was pretty good. I slept for a bit at school in the morning. I didn't sleep as much extra as I could have though. I again had odd dreams. Since I was up early I did some podcasting. This week will likely be pretty huge since I have two new games and a demo to talk about. At the restaurant I just watched I think one show, then spent the rest of the day playing. Well, I checked for jobs too, but the few that looked close to what I could do were ones that turned out I wasn't qualified for. And I watched a friend stream a podcast in the evening.

Lately I did some crunches, which are like fast half sit-ups. I figure if I do 50 to start that might work better than the 10s of various things I have been doing. It's not all at once, that's a total for the entire day, done in sets of 15-25. I figure a few times a week may get better results. But now my tummy goes 'ooch' every time I sneeze, heh.

Not a terribly exciting day to read about, but nothing went wrong, I did some productive stuff with my podcast and a site update, and I got to play my new games, so I guess today was pretty good despite my homeless limitations.

Day 1564 - 10/12 - Exhaustedly tired

Today I am so very tired. I probably should have slept at school, but I decided just to stay up and do some podcasting stuff.

I guess today was pretty good for being homeless. Nothing went wrong, I played my new games, I watched a show or two, I rented a movie to watch at work, and I finished and posted my podcast. There were my constant sad things, but they seem a bit less sad. But as the day went on I got more and more tired. And now I want nothing more than to be able to sleep in until I wake up... but I can't.

Day 1565 - 10/13 - Pretty good day

Today was a pretty good day I guess. I got ok sleep. Though I was super tired the first half of the day, and got a headache, the day was ok. I pretty much played my new games all day. I did watch a show when I had lunch, and again when I had dinner, but that was it.

I suppose for a homeless day it was about as good as it can get, but being a homeless day always in the back of my mind is the thought that no matter how good it is, until things improve I am slowly sinking, as if I were in quick sand.

Day 1566 - 10/14 - Feeling kinda sick

Today I feel kinda sick. My tummy and digestion are all upset, my ears are ringing, and yesterday I had a bad headache. I think mostly it was undercooked food tonight. I didn't feel so bad until after dinner.

I suppose today, on the surface, everything was pretty good. I did an extra work shift, and I played games during my shift undisturbed. When I got to the restaurant I watched a few shows and played more.

Deeper down though, I am sad. I wish my life could be free, truly free. All I want is a simple home, in a peaceful and quiet nighborhood. I want to be free from work, so my rabb1t stuff can be my work. I could sleep when I wanted, work on stuff when I wanted, shower, and eat healthy. I would like to be free to go to conventions, like the comic con that happened this weekend, and free to talk about it and post videos. With that freedom I could be well rested. I could be healthy. But, most of all, I may finally be able to think clearly again, and have this mental haze, depression, confusion, and worry finally lifted from my spirit.

I doubt I will ever have the life I really want, but I don't think I will ever stop dreaming and wishing for it.

Day 1567 - 10/15 - Still feel icky

My tummy and stuff still feel icky. I don't really feel sick, as an upset tummy and digestion issues are really all I have, but it's not happy. I suppose it could be a real cold. What with my sneezing, coughing up yuck, headaches, eye aches, sleepiness, and extra hunger. Speaking of which, if I didn't know any better I'd say my tummy feels even bigger. I guess I'm probably just getting more depressed about my physical shape, or lack thereof and it feels bigger.

I suppose today was ok. All of class was how to use a text editor, so I just spaced out and played my game muted. It's a weird class since there is no textbook and it's all based on the professor's notes that are online, and quizzes / tests are all open everything. It's like I don't ever feel worried or stressed because it's all procedural stuff I can look up.

I guess the day was ok. I watched some shows, played some games, and had class that went ok. I got a call to cover an extra shift tomorrow, so that's good. I guess for what my life is, today was ok. Though I'm so very exhausted and unstable icky feeling and want to sleep undisturbed, but that is unlikely to happen.

Day 1568 - 10/16 - Sad future

Today my future seems sad. It is early morning time. I am so very tired, but not at all sleepy. When I got up to move I guess I just woke up. By the time I was half way to the school lo I wasn't at all sleepy. I'm in the library and it is super quiet and there is noone around me. Even when they are here they won't care what I'm doing for the most part.

My future seems sad because my path has become so clear. Playing, talking about playing, game systems, and hardware tech has always been the most fun and what I was best at. When I was young I always tried to find something "I could do for a living", but nothing truly fit, and no job has kept me long, and those like the one I have now which have kept me for years have done exactly zero for my resume. I've been going to school for more than 12 years now and it's gained me nothing. I have an Associates, a Bachelors, and I'm basically a practicum(?) away from a second Associates. (Though I can't afford to work 20 hours a week and not be paid for it, which is what that basically is.) To seemingly everyone else in the world these mean something. They have gotten into places with such degrees even if it's not in the field they got into. But for me it's seemingly meant nothing, helped nothing.

All I can do is hope that Fate is putting me in hte right place, and that all of my sadness, suffering, and struggling is 'for a reason', and that reason is that I am where I need to be for it to happen, or I am on my way towards it, if not for myself then for someone else.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2013
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

flash required for the logo
best viewed at 1280 wide resolution or higher