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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 5: Life online

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 257

Day 1793 - 5/29 - Luxury foods

Today my tummy was too sad from the weekend. I bought some pound cake in the morning to snack on. I can't remember how long it's been since I last had one. I think maybe 1.5 years. And in the evening for dinner I got a pizza. At first I was good and didn't eat too much, but then I did. The day ended about 15% over my max calories. However, I wonder if part of my being so hungry was due to fighting off this cold. I'm still sneezing and congested, and my eyes feel extra tired and itchy. More notably, I drank about 4-5 times as much water as I normally do. Normally I hardly have any, but at lunch I got two small bottle sized worth, and in the evening three more. Normally I have about 0.5 to 1 bottle in the entire day.

My friends asked if I wanted to play online, but I was at work and I had no connection, so I couldn't. It was sad because they rarely play these days, but more importantly work is basically a private space, so I can speak and act however I want without worrying about people near me overhearing. I don't know why work has had no bandwidth. For at least 4 months I haven't barely had any connection, but prior to that, and in previous years, there are times I'd game or watch shows with no problem at all.

Of course the saddest things of all is that with a normal job I'd have been done with my work day, been able to play with my friends, and been in a private home space. But I don't know when, or if, I will ever have that kind of life ever again.

Day 1794 - 5/30 - Eat how I want

Today was ok I guess. Mostly the day seemed sad. Nothing new is going on in my life, so that still seems stagnant and unchanging.

In the evening I did my podcast, so that cheered me up a bit. I also decided to not worry too much about what I ate. It made me a bit sad to hit my max for the day, but it was nice to not worry. I don't know why, possibly due to my cold, lack of sleep, or both, but I've been pretty hungry lately. I'm in sanctuary a bit early, and things seem safe, so hopefully I can get a bit extra private time, rest, and maybe even an hour or two of 'extra' sleep.

Day 1795 - 5/31 - Trying to stay under

Today was ok. It seemed to go pretty quick. In the morning I uploaded my podcast. I watched shows after. In the afternoon I looked for jobs. I posted on the forums a few times and I'm helping someone out with some laptop stuff, so that always makes me happy to know I'm helping.

That's it really, besides feeling sad and homesick.

Day 1796 - 6/1 - Took my spot all day

Today was kind of sad. It was really just the same old stuff. I was alone. I didn't say more than half a dozen words out loud. I was very homesick. Maybe part of it was because this guy was sitting in 'my spot' at the coffee shop all day and night. It's like there are half a dozen or so who spend too much time there, but we each have our spot.

I've been extra homesick again lately. I don't know why, but lately I've been thinking of all the things I've forgotten. Like I had to struggle to remember what my glasses looked like. I think I remember what my bowls and plates look like, but I'm not sure. I miss the basic things; a shower, making lunch from many choices, many snack choices, sitting on my desk chair, watching or playing stuff without headphones, not needing to wear shoes all the time, and most of all, being able to cook dinner. I like to prepare and cook foods. I really miss that. This single serving life with no appliances... it makes me sad how many basic things there are that I like that can't be done.

Day 1797 - 6/2 - Hot day I missed

Today I guess it was pretty hot. It's been in the like 80s the past few days. But I've been in the coffee shop, which past a certain point blasts the air conditioning. I was, in fact, a bit chilly for a portion of the day.

Nothing special happened today. Well, unless we count the guy who kept touching himself. He was grabbing and flapping himself like 30% of the time. It was kind of disturbing. It's like once or twice, maybe he has new shorts and no underwear, that's understandable, but repeatedly and the entire time he was there... not so much. I guess he had an issue or something, as I saw him do it even when he was standing up at the water thing. I don't think he had any idea he was doing it as much as he was.

I'm super hungry today. I have been lately. I am still managing to be really close to my allotted calories, but still, I should be losing weight if that was the right amount for my 1.5 pounds lost a week target. I don't know. I may have to just give up and not worry about it while homeless. I hate being fatter, but I just can't really control very much. There are so many things I can't that would help, and so many I don't have much choice. Well, I'll still keep track and try to exercise at least a few more weeks, but it seems, like so many things in my life, that I may just have to accept that it is what it is and it can't be changed while homeless.

Day 1798 - 6/3 - Forced vacation

Today was the first day of my forced vacation. I only work tomorrow this week and that's it. I guess it's ok. I did some podcasting, so that was good. I am still waking up in a not bed after not sleeping in. I still have no shower if I don't make a special trip. I can't watch TV or play games extra loud or do stuff I normally wouldn't. I still am limited in what I can eat. I am still limited in when I can 'go to bed'. My windows of opportunity do not change, nor do the kinds of opportunities themselves. For me, as long as I am homeless, there can never truly be vacation.

Day 1799 - 6/4 - Hungry morning

Today seems ok so far, though for some reason I'm super hungry and I just got up a little while ago. It's warm, but a bit cloudy. It's been super hot lately, so today may be a bit cooler. I got some 'extra sleep', so that's good. I don't feel tired, at least for the moment. And, one of the cutest girls that comes in to the coffee shop is here next to me, so I suppose that's something.

I have work tonight, but I did a lot of recording for my podcast already, so I can get that started early. I updated my site yesterday because there is some new Intel stuff, so that's got the newest shiniest stuff. So, I guess my rabb1t life seems ok today, and that's about all I can hope for these days.

Week 258

Day 1800 - 6/5 - Odd days

My days off have felt odd. I'm not doing anything special with them. If anything they are more empty due to not being occupied for 5 hours a day. But it feels weird not working. I guess it's more that I work so little any time off is a big deal, and as such I feel very odd not having those few days a week. I don't know... I guess it's nice to not need to worry about getting ready for work and going to the right work locations. But it's not like I can really ever not worry.

I did the rest of this week's podcast. It was nice to have that time earlier in the week, and then now, and still have time tomorrow and I suppose Friday too if I need to do more recording. I always hope things will turn out ok and people enjoy the podcasts and find them interesting or helpful. I know my style is different from mainstream reviewers and descriptive styles, so I worry. But it still seems I have probably 200-250 listeners, so I guess some like it. I have to take the number of downloads over the period of like 1.5 years and divide by the number of podcasts. It's probably not accurate at all, particularly if there has been exponential growth, though I guess if I check every three or so months and it's about the same there couldn't be such growth.

Today was ok I guess, but as always I miss so many things. I got up a few hours earlier than I otherwise would have, and my day ended probably 4-5 hours earlier. I could do so much more, and be so much more awesome at all my things if I had a home. But then, I suppose if I had a home I'd also have to work more, which would mean a loss of hours in comparison to now. Sad life is so sad.

Day 1801 - 6/6 - Sore ass

Today my butt was sore. Staying at the coffee shop as much as I have been has been hard on my butt. While the spot I sit is padded, I'd guess it's only about one inch of padding with that cheap faux leather that makes you kind of sweaty. And, I'd guess under that layer is wood. Because of my extra hours sitting my poor butt gets pretty sore by early afternoon. Well, only a few more days off and I'll be back to my regular schedule.

I spent quite a bit of the day editing my next podcast. It's not a lot bigger than normal, maybe only 50% bigger, but it was recorded in two sessions, so I had to make bits to add in pieces to sections, edit new sections, and make sure everything flowed right since the sections were recorded out of order. It was a fair bit closer to what they would be like if I had a happy rabb1t life.

Nothing unusual besides that. The rest of my day was regular. I've been trying super hard to stay under calories for my diet, but it's very tough. Needing to eat out all the time there is very little I can do to cut down on calories. And, often times when I do I wind up being so hungry later that I must eat something extra, and that puts me back to my cap. Well, as I said, if my weight is unchanged maybe two more weeks I'll probably stop inputting it into the app and stop worrying about it.

It's so very sad not being able to control my life. Sadder too that I have time off of work and yet gain no real hours to do anything extra. What would otherwise be 6 extra hours in a home is really only about 2-3 due to my limitations. And those are not free. I'm surrounded by people by being forced to be out in public.

Day 1802 - 6/7 - A Friday off

Today was ok I guess. I got a bit of extra rest, so that was good. And, I found a something that if I reposition it just a bit I sleep better. So, hopefully the good sleep I've been getting can continue.

The day really wasn't all that different from usual though. I uploaded my podcast in the morning. I messed around on forums for a bit. I watched some shows. I played a few games for a bit. I did get to see most of my friend's podcast, which was awesome as I can't remember the last time I could see it. It's been so many months that I've gotten a connection at work that I actually almost completely forgot that I'd be able to watch tonight.

I also went to get a shower at school since I didn't have work. It was actually burningly hot. I literally had to not stay under the water for more than about two minutes after turning it on or it felt like it would burn me. (There are like eight shower heads per side, so it was easy to keep switching.) I did check a secondary shower area on my way out and noticed that they seemed to be the right temperature. If I need another shower before my next work shift I can go there if it's open.

I didn't eat too much today either. My tummy feels smaller, though the scale seems to tell me differently. I actually tossed half my rice from dinner. It was only about $1 of food, but I just wasn't hungry for it. Also, I drank a ton of water today. I actually have been lately when I think to, so that's good as soda is pretty terrible for me and a ton of calories. Maybe someday I can get this weight back under control.

Day 1803 - 6/8 - Ten degrees hotter

Today feels 10 degrees hotter than my temperature thing says. I feel like I'm almost sweating, yet it only shows as 75F.

Today was a quiet Saturday. My friends weren't around to talk to or play with, and the movie I wanted to see this weekend isn't showing in my area.

I'm not very hungry lately either. I mean, I do get hungry, but like last night, I don't think I'm eating much. Maybe my temperature and tummy being off is a sign I have some kind of bad cold. I have been sneezing and sniffling lately.

Day 1804 - 6/9 - Short unexpected work

Today was only slightly different. At just after noon I got a call saying noone was at the gym. I was like, so-n-so is supposed to be there. He didn't ask for me to cover for him, so it's his shift. I kind of did expect him to call last week or yesterday and ask me to cover, but he never did. The boss person asked me to drive up and cover a partial shift, just two hours.

Speaking of extra work shifts, tomorrow is my first day of what is almost two weeks working every day. I have these Tuesdays through the end of the month, Thursdays permanent, and for the next two weeks extra Wednesdays. Add that to my previous regular Monday and Fridays and I should get a decent paycheck. Someone asked me to cover a shift next Sunday as well, so there's that too.

Other than that it was really just a normal lonely Sunday. Nothing really to talk about. Oh, but I am sneezing a ton today with a pretty runny nose, so that's new.

Day 1805 - 6/10 - Sniffles and sneezes

Today I was sniffling and sneezing quite a bit. There really wasn't much else different. I did not eat all of my lunch. I wonder if that's because I'm less hungry from my cold or if my tummy is finally becoming more it's old self and is less hungry overall.

Today E3 started. That kind of has made me sad lately. It is the one convention I've always wanted to go to and get coverage for as long as it's been around. Some people post about plans to go, or that they've arrived, or game companies have posted cool things they are doing, making me feel left out. And, as always, it's one of those things I may never get to do.

Day 1806 - 6/11 - Gray day

Today is a gray day. It rained yesterday morning and today again looks rainy. It's weird weather. It was like mid 80s before it rained.

I'm a bit sleepy, but not tired. I got enough sleep last night for the most part. I am sad about my sad life, but with some 'extra' work and the excitement of what cool looking gaming stuff could be announced today, or what was shown yesterday after I had to go offline, has me excited about what's to come.

My life, while still terrible is stable again for the moment, and I have my games and shows, so I guess it's not so bad. It certainly could be worse.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2013
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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