PC talk system recommendations blog Facebook YouTube articles and guides links bio
game screensots rabb1t's ramblings podcast email
Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 5: Life online

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 247

Day 1723 - 3/20 - Not studying

Today was ok I guess. It started with my trying to study, but the stuff was so boring I hardly got through any of it. I'm going to try and be committed to reading the like 4-5 chapters by the end of Friday so I can review them over the weekend.

I played some StarCraft 2 online and decided to pick up the expansion. It was only $40 and I had a $20 coupon, so it was super cheap. I was having a tough time with my games, but at the end of the day I won one and it boosted my rank a bunch. It seems to be though that bronze people (the lowest rank) mostly aren't online. I guess most just give up. So I'm getting put up against higher ranked people quite a bit. If I lose I gain no rank or level, so that really hurts getting better. If I find it's still not for me I'll probably stop playing online again. At $20 if I play more than 6-8 hours I will have gotten my monies worth, so I'm ok with not continuing with multiplayer if I don't like it.

I've been kind of tired and had a big headache lately, yesterday too. I'm not really sure why. I don't know if my cold has mutated and that's causing it or what. I have had a few sneezes and only had two cough drops all day, so the cold symptoms are nearly gone.

I guess today was ok, but I am still always very sad about my loss.

Day 1724 - 3/21 - Sad for dinner

Today was kind of sad. I guess the day was ok overall. I played games, watched shows, and checked for jobs, but I was very sad. When I went to get dinner the item I wanted was out. They didn't ask if I wanted to wait, so I just got something else and left. About a mile away I started feeling really sad, like I was going to cry. All day I wanted that specific dish, and because I didn't wait and ask they make it, now I feel like I'm going to cry? It didn't make much sense at the time, but now that I've thought about it a bit I guess it does. All my days are filled with not choice or forced choice. A simple thing like getting a food item should be something that always goes right. But today it didn't. Just like the rest of my day, it wasn't what I really wanted. It was what I was forced to pick because what I wanted was denied.

I am still very much always the outsider; physically, and probably more so, emotionally. I can never escape what I don't have - not really. I may have 'good days' like today, where I watch my shows, play my games, and look for jobs, but these are always dragged down by the way I do them. I watch my shows with lag, in low-res, with headphones. I play games, also with lag, and headphones, on a laptop instead of a desktop. And jobs are simply extremely rare to find, even more rare to find ones to actually apply for.

I suppose, in a way, no matter how good my day goes I am always on the verge of tears.

Day 1725 - 3/22 - Icky tummy

Today was ok I guess. I had an ok-ish time before work. Lots of news from a convention about some cool games that are coming, or news about stuff I've been interested in, so that's good. My tummy feels pretty icky though. I think my dinner isn't agreeing with me. It was a different one, so I just won't have that one again.

I've felt really incredibly tired today. I think I'm mostly over my cold, but a bit of lost sleep and the last bits of the cold are beating me up pretty badly I think.

Sooooo tired. Sooooo sad about my life.

Day 1726 - 3/23 - Work work

Today all I remember was work. I was at the coffee shop for a few hours in the morning, but the rest of the day I covered someone's shift. It's always odd to work on a Saturday, as nearly my entire awake time is at work. I guess it went fine. I did my last lab for the one class and had almost an hour to play. I got an extra shower too, which always helps.

I'm still super tired and have a headache. It's possible that it's from dropping my soda intake way down. I'm having like half or less what I was having lately. It's where it used to be years ago when I could barely afford to get them at the start of my homeless time. It's certainly not my lowest amount, but being far down from what I've been having lately might be part of why I have headaches. I am doing pretty good on the calorie diet though. I can usually stay under my total available for the day and I'm nearly a full day down for this week. So, maybe that will help me get thin faster. Hopefully the calories will actually help. Without being able to control sleep or the healthiness of my foods there is little I can do. Maybe I'll know more in a few days when I weigh myself again. It would be nice to see an improvement.

Day 1727 - 3/24 - Special projects

Today was a bit different. My morning went as usual, even the early afternoon, but in the late afternoon I changed things up. I decided to leave the restaurant early, go do podcasting, and get sandwich stuff to have that for dinner and lunch tomorrow. (There was a guy at the store who needed a job and money for his little ones. I gave him $3. )

While I was productive and did my podcast it doesn't feel like I did stuff I wanted to do today. Today was bad emotionally, despite having a pretty good day, and it's just been one of those days that felt as long and as draining as three days. I don't know why.

Today felt like I was out when I should have been going home. Like I could have come home, flopped on my bed for a bit of rest, then made a healthy dinner after I'd rested for a bit.

I miss my old life. I miss the old me. Maybe it's because we are coming up on the end of year five, maybe it's because we are coming up on yet another birthday I'll be homeless, but I miss the me that was. And I fear he may never be able to return.

Day 1728 - 3/25 - Another cycle

Today sort of ended another cycle. My one class in the morning went fine. I feel pretty good about the test. My stupid class posted the test when I was at work and I spent nearly the whole time working on it. I didn't feel too good about that one, as it asks questions that are like super mathy engineering crap. Like you have to calculate the bandwidth of x long of a line based on the speed of light and crap, or figure out what this thing is in hexadecimal (which is NOT explained in the class). It is WAY beyond what should be taught at this level. This is heavy engineering stuff. I didn't want to learn engineering and electrical crap in building the backbone of the LAN structure. I wanted to know how to physically set one up. Anyways...

Even though I am glad to be moving on to what is next I still can't help but feel none of it is helping. None of my original degree stuff has gotten me a better job. None of the child development stuff has helped. And none of this programming / networking stuff is helping. It's like I feel like quitting school and saying F the student loans and F the government and 'you guys' (the government) need to get me a job if you want me to pay you back because it sure as hell hasn't helped at all in my searching.

I trust that Fate and Destiny have me on the right path, but it would be really nice if I found something that paid enough. Better still if it wound up I could do my gaming news / philosophy stuff that makes me happy.

Until my path is made more clear all I can do is suffer through it and try to hang on.

Day 1729 - 3/26 - Perpetual purgatory

Today I am pretty tired. Not just physically from only getting like 6 hours of sleep, but more so emotionally. As we are at the end of another cycle I feel as if noone cares. None of my school stuff has mattered in getting me a job. While it once felt like I was nearing a career, as each quarter goes by and I am not helped it feels less and less like a career will ever happen regardless of what I do.

I really enjoy my games, talking about them, discussing them, talking about social, psychological, or philosophical aspects, but there are so few with jobs in the industry that I likely will never 'make a living' at it. I have a new game my friends are interested in playing online together, and another single player one coming in the mail in a few hours. But despite if anyone cares about my thoughts and opinions on stuff, despite how much people say I help with their system builds, that too may never have any real impact on a career since there are so few who do care.

I am not giving up hope. I don't feel as if there will never be a recovery. But lately I certainly feel as if I am in perpetual purgatory. For every thing that goes right, something seems to go wrong to knock it back down. I can't seem to ever gain anything back, and it is such a struggle to hold on to what little is left.

Week 248

Day 1730 - 3/27 - Sooooo tired

Today I am super tired. I don't know why, but I've been borderline falling asleep at any second tired. Maybe it is due to some lost sleep over the weekend. Maybe it was due to higher stress due to the dumb class, and it's final. Maybe I have a cold. I don't know why, but I've been super tired. I am fully functional. People who knew me would just say I'm unusually quiet. But everything I did today is kind of hazy. Of course nothing I did is worth talking about.

Day 1731 - 3/28 - Stealth cold

Today I think I have a stealth cold. It's probably why I've been feeling so tired. This morning I started coughing with heavy congestion and had super huge yuck come out. But outside of those I'm not showing any symptoms.

I guess today was ok though. I did my podcast stuff in the morning. I played my games. I checked for jobs, but there were no jobs to be found. Oh, and that stupid class I didn't like, I got like a B on the test, so apparently a B is my final grade too, which is just crazy.

Today was pretty ok overall I suppose, but my life is still full of things I don't want, and missing so very many things that I do.

Day 1732 - 3/29 - A sad day

Today was kind of sad. The morning and afternoon were ok. I watched shows and played my games and things weren't too laggy. I had just a shirt on for most of the day instead of shirt, house shirt over that, and hoodie.

Though I played and had fun, I was alone. I felt lonely. And being in public (and homeless) just made it worse. In the evening my friends did their podcast, something I'd been looking forward to seeing for basically three weeks now. It's really one of the few times I see them. It's been weeks since we really got a chance to play. But I could barely watch it. My bandwidth was crap, and although I found a better spot on the desk that seems a bit better, I only saw about 85% of one hour of who knows how long they were on for. After that first hour I just couldn't really connect to anything. So again, the one thing I really look forward to, one of only a few chances to be with people, and because of my sad life that was lost.

I wonder if my sad life will ever stop limiting what I want to do and how I do it. The memories of doing things I wanted without limitations seem so distant and seem little more than a fading dream.

Day 1733 - 3/30 - Disappointed, but not surprised

Today I almost did something different. Some people are trying to start a new thing called Table Top day, where people get together at various places to game. Well, it turned out a couple of places locally said they would offer that. So at about 11 AM I went to the close place to check out. I was disappointed, but not surprised at what I found. This was a place you can game all the time (which I didn't know about.) But as such this wasn't any different of a Saturday than any other. There were only about eight people when I got there, and I'd guess their ages ranged between 16-20. I sat and ate my lunch waiting to see if anyone else showed up. A few did with some other games. I felt like an outsider and like these guys were being somewhat territorial sticking just with people they knew. Not surprising, gaming circles are very protective of their group. Well, since I'd overheard 'other games' would be 'in the back room' I decided to go look after lunch. I tried to make conversation with the guy and he was like, 'Yeah, I took a small table because I'm just playing with a friend today.' This was a game that can easily accommodate between 6-8 people. I said, 'I see,' and walked away. I remained for a bit, meandering around the tables looking around at the posters, but decided to just leave.

When I was like 12-17 I used to go to a club that met Friday nights and game with people for a few hours every week. I didn't mind gaming with strangers at times. But it felt weird being so much older than everyone there today. Plus, noone invited me in. Noone asked if I was there for Table Top day. While I felt welcome enough to be there, there was nothing for the event outside of what is there on a normal Saturday.

It would have been nice to not be alone. It would have been nice to maybe make new friends. But, as always, I felt like an outsider. While I may regret not going back to check later, they didn't seem to care about the day. If I would have to work my way into something, without already knowing anyone there and noone inviting me in... I don't know. That doesn't seem like a thing for me.

Day 1734 - 3/31 - Bunny day, but no party

Today was the first time in I don't know how many years I didn't really celebrate Easter. It's like my favorite holiday. There are candies, like Halloween. There are toys and games (or movies for older people), like Xmas. And for those with sweeties there are loves and snuggles, like Valentine's Day. It's the best of all three put together. But as the years have gone on, homeless or not, I seemingly have had less reason to celebrate and be happy. This time I got one small thing of candy and that's really it. I sent a few things to a friend's little ones, but I don't know if I can really count that as celebrating.

As each year of homelessness pass, more and more holidays seem strange, impossible, or not worth celebrating because I am alone. Without holidays the days become unspecial and all blur into one another - one long unending sad homeless day.

There were people online that wished me well, but a real life celebration, being in a home where I could celebrate, if even alone, seems so foreign to me now. And the more days that pass where I am alone, the more I actually fear being suddenly thrown into a regular life. I am becoming wild, and while the wild becomes home, home seems to become wild. I find myself becoming more and more distrustful at the thought of suddenly living in a home with strangers. Who can I trust? Can I trust anyone? I've lost so much, if I ever did have a chance to regain a foothold would I trust people enough not to hurt me to actually make the step. ... I don't know anymore.

Day 1735 - 4/1 - Almost shorts time

Today was a bit odd in weather. Yesterday and this morning it rained, but most of the day it was warm. It was just about shorts weather again. From about 10 on I just had a single shirt on. I was at the coffee shop, which isn't freezing like the restaurant, so that may have been part of it. But I think it was in the low 70s most of the day.

I guess today was ok-ish. I watched a show or two, but mostly tried to relax and enjoy my time between classes. I played online with friends for a bit, so that was super awesome. I haven't been able to play with them in weeks. I did game online multiplayer too. As usual I did bad, but it seemed every match they went for cheap, not really fair victory paths. If people are going to play by basically cheating and going for cheap victory that requires no strategy which is really just harassment I'll just not bother and wait a few months until Hearthstone. It looks like the kind of player vs. player card game I've been waiting years to play. So maybe I'll just stop playing real-time strategy and shooter PvP games completely and wait. (Not that I do PvP shooters right now.)

That was really my day. Not much to it. As usual though I don't think there was a minute of the day I wasn't sad and homesick.

Day 1736 - 4/2 - No title

Today is ok so far I guess, but it's only just started. I had kind of a lot of trouble sleeping last night, so I'm running on maybe 6 hours of sleep, but I feel mostly ok. My eyes are super tired, but my body doesn't feel too tired.

I decided since I'd already noted what to talk about for my next podcast I'd do that today. There was a stupid gardener noise through a lot of my time. My system went from full to 60% while I waited for the guy to go away. Thankfully I still had enough charge to barely finish in time. There was like 9% left.

Today should be ok. My system is running fine and although I've finished most of my games there are still things to play. I've got half a dozen shows to watch as well. They have piled up lately, so that's good. Often I have nothing to watch.

But still... I am out in public. I will be forced to be out somewhere all day. While there are places I can be, and it's ok for me to stay all day in a few places, it doesn't feel comfortable. I don't want to be out all day. I don't want to be forced to be in public places. But as so many years past, it seems I have no choice.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2013
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

flash required for the logo
best viewed at 1280 wide resolution or higher