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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 5: Life online

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 255

Day 1779 - 5/15 - Meh

Today was meh I guess. I decided to record my podcast in the morning because I only have one thing to talk about this week. I edited it pretty quickly and it was ready and done by late morning. I was pretty tired after that. I should have gone to nap, but I didn't. The rest of the day was pretty regular. I watched shows, but didn't play games. I've been feeling sad and just not in a gaming mood lately.

Day 1780 - 5/16 - Just a Thursday

Today was meh. I didn't really feel like I needed to sleep extra, as I got some extra morning sleep. In total I got 9-9.5 hours of sleep. I'm still tired, obviously still down from never being able to sleep and be undisturbed from waking up naturally. I don't know how long it will be until I can do that enough to catch up. I'd guess it would take nearly a week to get caught up and re-balanced.

I really just watched shows, then had a work shift. A pretty regular Thursday these days I guess.

Day 1781 - 5/17 - Missing the friends

Today was kind of sad. I guess my friends went to play online instead of doing their podcast. But, because I still have no bandwidth at work (haven't in months) I couldn't play with them.

I got ok sleep, so I didn't sleep extra. I really should try to Wednesday and Thursday. I'm just so tired all the time. I did do a paid game survey thing today. So that's like an extra shift in half the time. I can put that to the just in case savings.

That was really my day; Quick, and kind of sad.

Day 1782 - 5/18 - Movie day

Today was good I suppose. I got probably 9 hours of sleep, so I have only been just a little tired. The early afternoon was a bit odd, as I guess someone misplaced something at the coffee shop and is theorizing someone found it and stole it instead of turning it in. That makes me a bit worried for leaving my stuff when I spend 10 minutes getting lunch.

The only big deal for the day was that I went to see the new Star Trek. Sooooo good. Again, they got just the right amount of classic elements in there combined with new stuff. If anyone is even partly a Star Trek fan I can't recommend it enough.

That was really it. The day was a bit nicer than usual, but at its core I never forgot how different my day is because I am homeless.

Day 1783 - 5/19 - Ok day

Today started out ok. I got an extra work shift. I showered. I got to play my game all shift. After work was ok too, I suppose. I just went to the coffee shop and watched a few shows.

I must be getting tweaked by all this warm weather lately. For the past few days I've had ridiculous cravings for chips. Though the chips I tend to get aren't as bad as others, the common theme is the ones I want are higher in salt compared to my other foods. I was super low on calories yesterday, so I went ahead and didn't bother stressing out today. Actually though it was a breakfast that threw today off. I got a micro thing with potatoes, egg, and sausage. I haven't had breakfast foods in probably years.

I guess today ended up ok. I have basically all I can ask for with my sad life; my laptop, my car, enough money for food, and a connection to watch my shows and play my games.

Of course, as always, I want just that little bit more that everyone else has; a home, a bed, a kitchen. But lately I am beginning to think it is too late for me, that noone will take me in and I'll never find that solid job that gives me the opportunity to get re-established.

Day 1784 - 5/20 - Nothing lost

I checked my app the other night and I've been doing my diet for 10 weeks now. There has been zero weight loss. While I haven't been a whole lot below my target daily / weekly calories, I haven't really been over. I may go over on individual days, but as a whole weekly I'm under by half a day to even. I would think, with supposedly targeting 15 pounds lost in that time there should be some loss. (Yes, I even checked that the scale wasn't broken by weighing just my leg.) I suppose the good news is I haven't gained anything either. While that won't directly make me happy, it's good to know I'm not getting worse. I guess I'll have to redouble my efforts if I want to lose any weight. I will probably try to be very serious about at least doing 5-10 minutes of stretching / light exercise at work. I know I really need to do a lot more, but I'm so out of shape there is no way I really could. I may have to resign myself to the fact I just don't have a comfortable opportunity to lose the weight while homeless. Without a place to feel safe, secure, and comfortable emotionally it is very difficult to rest or to be in a mood to exercise and do either the serious level of exercises that would really cut the weight down, or to at least have the freedom to ease into it with less serious / silly exercises.

I guess, outside of not being happy with my weight, things aren't so terrible. I have the gaming laptop I always wanted in the early homeless days, and I have a few connection points I know where I can watch shows or game. I guess that is about as good as my sad life can be right now. As sad as it is, I suppose it is more than some have.

Day 1785 - 5/21 - Strange weather

Today the weather is very strange. Yesterday it was 90F, but this morning it's sprinkling. I guess that kind of describes how I feel about my life. It just doesn't make any sense. One day it's too much one day, the next too much in a different way. There is no mild even pace. Everything has its window and timing, and if I miss it it seems I have to move on.

I suppose things seem ok other than that. I got a bit of extra sleep the past few days (not last night though), so I'm a bit less sleepy. The extra work certainly helps, and my savings is finally less than zero. I got a TV series yesterday that I can't watch online, so I can get current on another of my shows.

But still, as long as I am homeless things are pretty terrible and stressful emotionally. All I can say for sure is that I am still alive and I guess I just have to suffer through until better times.

Week 256

Day 1786 - 5/22 - Feeling dizzy and sick

Today I feel pretty sick. I'm feeling a bit better now that it's night. Yesterday I was sneezing and coughing. Today I had a bit of sneezing throughout the day, but after lunch I started feeling super sick. I got the worst headache at the back of my skull. I started to feel like I was going to throw up. And I was feeling a bit dizzy. I was almost dizzy enough that I had to stop gaming and watching shows. Hopefully I won't get worse. I was pretty bad. I feel ok-ish now, so hopefully it's passed.

Other than that the day was pretty lonely. It was kind of odd because I thought I had work last night, but when I got there the school had stuff set up. So I had to turn right around again. (I did micro the dinner I'd bought though so that wouldn't go to waste.) So, all day today I've felt a day off, like it's Thursday. I was supposed to play with my online friends who I haven't seen in forever, but I guess there was a sudden storm and they had to stay offline.

A pretty sad day I guess. Certainly one I would have much preferred to be in a home during.

Day 1787 - 5/23 - Teeth are doomed

Today started out well, but it became very sad in the early afternoon. I was having an apple snack and it felt like part of the skin stuck to one of my teeth. Feeling it more that was not the case. It was, in fact, that the tooth skin had come off and I was feeling a large section of that layer now missing. I took a picture and it looked like the front top teeth were a lot worse than I remembered them being. I went to the bathroom to investigate further. If I were to guess, based on what little that is left of the front two, I'll be missing all four top front teeth completely in a few short years. I doubt I will shed any tears over it (today). After all, this is an issue I've been sort of dealing with the past 25 years, and has been ever-present on my mind for the past 15. So it is really no surprise. I've had 'monster teeth' for quite some time.

But it is tragically sad. Had my life gone differently, had my parents given me alternate ways to brush my teeth since toothpaste and brushing made me gag and feel like throwing up, had my dentists not been totally insulting towards me during visits, I may have been ok. Had I been told, even better encouraged, to just brush my teeth really well with water and flossed really well my teeth likely would be fine now. But now... it certainly looks like it is too late. Back 15 years ago I was told it would take more than $10,000 to fix what was wrong, and I suppose now that figure is tripled at least.

It's been 20 years or more since I did not fear smiling in public in a way people could see my teeth. And now it seems I will never smile that way again.

Day 1788 - 5/24 - Still sad

Today I was pretty sad. It was actually an ok-ish day, but because of my teeth... I guess all the years my dad and the dentists put me down about it really damaged my self-worth. Since I've basically been alone most of my life I never really paid attention to taking care of myself until now. And now... for those teeth at least it is too late. I suppose of all the things of my body to go wrong to the point of no return my teeth are... acceptable. They can be replaced. Modern dentistry can at least give me false ones when and if I ever get re-established. But still... I don't want surgery, particularly surgery that is a permanent thing like that. I suppose all I can do is wish that genetic regrowth is possible soon, and that I can eventually recover and have that option.

Day 1789 - 5/25 - Sooooo tired

Today I was so tired that I took a nap. Nothing really special other than that. It was just a regular Saturday. I'm still extra sad about my teeth, but overall my other sad things are coming more back into focus.

Things seem to be quieting down at the coffee shop. It will likely start being pretty empty for the summer. At least that will be nice.

Day 1790 - 5/26 - Sad not BBQ holiday

Today everyone is talking about BBQs or their family / friends activities they are doing. They are having fun and having special foods and celebrating having time off from work. Once upon a time I would have too. Typically I was the one who invited people over. I'd straighten up the place, though living a Spartan / obsessive life it was always pretty tidy, and I'd be sure everything was right for the afternoon / evening. Depending on when it was in my life we looked at we would either play games, go running around shooting each other with Nerf guns, and watch movies while we did BBQ in the evening.

But not this year. This year I am alone. There are no friends with me. I have no BBQ. And no games will be played with others. It has been this way for more years than I can count easily, certainly more years than I did have fun times like that. And that is a very sad thing indeed.

Day 1791 - 5/27 - Single serving life

Today I have been pretty sad. There have been a lot of talk about people doing BBQs and being with friends or family and having fun. That made me pretty sad in general this weekend. But when I went to the store to get my food for having at work I got very sad. My tummy wanted several things, but because I have no way to cook, because I have no fridge, because I have no way to store food, because my life is basically a single serving life, I could not do any of those options.

I miss cooking. I miss buying foods to have for snacks and not needing to worry about portion size because I have somewhere to store the extra. I miss being able to get good rest and sleep in, and feeling alert and awake when I did. I miss the excitement of my games or movies knowing that I can fully enjoy them and not be disturbed while I play, as well as having the freedom to put them down or pick them back up whenever I wished. I miss having friends to do fun games and share special meals with. I miss... what used to be my life.

Day 1792 - 5/28 - Rainy day

Today and last night it's been raining off and on. It reminded me that, more years than not, it used to rain on this weekend when I used to go to a local convention. It's odd how I'd forgotten that. At this point I haven't gone in so many years those going who are young adults now would be the same age I was when I was going. I don't really miss that particular convention. It was more book focused than not, and not being a reader there wasn't much for me to do there. Though I'm sure over the years it's changed. While I don't miss the con I do miss the people and experiences. I do miss friends introducing me to people who may become new friends. I miss being free and on vacation. And I miss seeing all the crazy things people do.

But now, I wouldn't have that experience even if I did go. I have noone I know that would be with me. I would not form new bonds. There, as I am in everyday life, I would be an outsider to all groups, left alone and seemingly unwelcome by others.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2013
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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