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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 8: Endless Void

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 383

Day 2675 - 10/28 - Down

Today I didn't get to play very much. The game server was down almost all of my play time. I barely had a few hours left to play by the time it came back up. I did play just a little and had fun, so I guess it's ok.

The rest of the day I kept hoping an invite to a beta that started yesterday would come, but nothing has come yet. I checked for jobs and nothing was in my area. I did a bit of stuff for the writing class, so that was good. And I helped some people in the lab.

I also did some voice work for a student project that someone was doing. But foooo, the voice they wanted me to do is my angry superhero voice, which of all the voices I do is the second roughest, so I really exceeded my limit there. At least I know I can only do about a page of script before that voice needs to cool off and take a drink. It was pretty fun, but also nerve-racking, as they just gave me the script then, so I guess that's what I've referred to as 'cold reading'. And the script wasn't written well, so a lot of the wording and spacing was poor. I even had to re-write a couple of lines so they weren't tongue twisters. It was fun though.

Not much of a day. Didn't play much. Not much happened besides the voice work. I guess it was ok though, despite the sad things on my mind and the cold rainy weather.

Day 2676 - 10/29 - Broken things

Today some stuff seems broken. First, I tried charging the old phone. This time and a few times before it's said USB device not recognized. I'll try to check other parts, but it looks like my cable to the old phone isn't 100% working. It still charged when it was plugged in to the outlet directly, but it didn't connect to the laptop or charge when it was in there. Next, when I was leaving for the evening and I put my key into the trunk it just went in circles. It was dark nighttime, so I'll have to wait until the day to investigate, but it seems the lock bit isn't working with the key. It still seems to latch, and popping the trunk from the driver's release seemed to work, so it may just be the lock where the key goes isn't working.

My day was pretty good besides those parts, but with those things failing, things I use often more than once every day, it just seems like another sad reminder of things not going as they should. It seems like another reminder of the ways my life is failing.

Day 2677 - 10/30 - Cloths, not BBQ

Today was a bit different. In the morning when I went to put on my two month old headphones the minor splits in the headband spine on one side turned into a major split, almost a complete break. Really? Less than two months old and the headband is so bad I can't use them without the risk of them snapping in half? I'm so glad I didn't pay the $60 retail they would have been because the quality seems less than $20. I had my suspicions since it was neither of my normal two brands, but it is a highly popular brand, so I really expected more. I put in an RMA request a few days ago, but I've not heard anything. And, since they were a prize with no actual receipt I expect they will deny the return. (I've gone back to my sort of broken console pair for now because the PC ones are at too great of a risk of complete failure.)

Later in the day I tried again to change and connect my phone to the laptop. I decided to try the old school 'blow it out' method since the phone parts are exposed to all the pocket fuzz and such that can fall in. (I don't know why they don't have rubber covers for those areas included with the phone.) To my surprise it connected normally, so I guess it just needed cleaning. So, even though the phone is not connected to a phone service, and it is too outdated to play games anymore, at least I can still listen to music and podcasts and use it as my main note device and clock.

I had a chance to inspect the truck lock at school. It is indeed just spinning inside and not working right. I'm not sure there is anything I can do about it through. I may investigate it more later, but since I only need to get in twice a day for the moment the release at the driver's side door will work fine.

In the evening, since school has been getting shut down so early, I decided to do laundry. It was very overdue, and some things didn't get washed because I had just too much to wash and not enough money for more than one load. When I was there I was feeling very sad. I've been that way lately. There have been a lot of people running to get dinner during classes, which just reminds me I can't and that I don't have a normal life.

For some reason though, when I passed a Korean BBQ place next to the laundry I recalled a cafe restaurant type place on (I think) Melrose that I was at maybe around 25 years ago. I was there with a girlfriend at the time, a friend, and we were meeting someone who was living in the LA / Hollywood area. He took us on a sort of night tour to a few places, and we ended there, walking down the street and seeing what was still open. Not many places were. Mostly just the food shops were open and other stores were closed. But for some reason the smells and look of the BBQ restaurant brought me back to that memory.

It made me very sad, so much so I had to fight back tears. I want a regular life again. I want to have friends to go out walking to restaurants on occasion like that. To be able to call people, see what is happening, and if we are bored maybe make something happen.

While I hold on to hope that can and will happen again, for the moment I don't have that life anymore. And it has been so long since I have, I wonder if it is now too late to get it back.

Day 2678 - 10/31 - No candies

Today is pretty sad. There are no candies. There are no parties. There is no trick or treating. I almost got candies for students the other day, but with $25 in food card money it would have been a bad choice. And today I've completely run out, so it is very good that I didn't. I have some canned super cheap food to last a bit, but I will probably be very hungry very soon.

Someone did donate a fun and cute looking game. So I'll play that after I'm done writing just for a little bit just to have a small bit of Halloween fun.

But today I am very sad. I miss my old life. I miss fun holidays. I miss having things to celebrate.

Day 2679 - 11/1 - Empty

Today all the places were empty. School was empty. Really no joggers or bikers like usual. And even the church group had a smaller number than usual and left early. In my game, population was still extremely low. It seems all the places are low population due to the holiday.

I guess today was ok. But being outside is sad. I suppose it could be worse in that I may not have a car, or may not have my gaming laptop. But still being homeless, having to shower in a public bathroom sink, not being able to sleep in, my butt cold most of the day due to being outside on cement, tummy upset from too much lunchmeat... things seem pretty sad.

Day 2680 - 11/2 - So very tired

Today I'm completely exhausted. It feels like it's about three hours later than it actually is. I'm just flat beat for some reason. I got ok sleep last night. Very weird dreams, kept up by a lot of rain, but otherwise fine.

I didn't spend my energy on much today either. I helped someone for maybe 10 minutes, and outside of that it was a regular day; check forums, check for jobs, then play a bit.

Maybe it is because of a teeny bit of a diet change. I've had to basically just have cheap soups lately because I'm almost out. Only a few cheap soups remain and that's it. Maybe it's the time change. Maybe it's stuff I'm working on for school in the back of my mind. Maybe it's stress from no money left and worry about all the things.

Whatever it is, I'm very very tired today.

Day 2681 - 11/3 - Possible RMA

Today should be pretty good, though it will be difficult to keep sadness from my mind. The headphone people said they would take an RMA, but if I have to pay for shipping to them I don't have the money. I'm also down to about 5 minutes on my monthly phone plan, so that will start eating up the other month's monies if that continues. And while I have a quarter tank of gas, that will go pretty quickly. Another big concern is I'm basically out of food. I have some for today, and one more soup in the car, but my money won't cycle until Friday, and I only have a few dollars in my bank account.

There is new content for my game, so that is super happy and fun. I have access for a few weeks, but it would be $15 to unlock it permanently. Just yesterday alone I've already spent six hours there, so it would totally be worth it. And one of my classes I TA for is tonight. Though I tend to not help as much in that class, it's still good to think I'm wanted and helpful.

This week seems to end on a very low point, but hopefully the few positives can help me hang on.

Week 384

Day 2682 - 11/4 - Getting colder

Today things went pretty quickly. My morning I checked for jobs, checked forums, and then played a bit. I went in to the not job just before noon, but even though there were people who came in to the lab no one seemed to need any help.

It's rapidly been getting colder. By the time the sun goes down it's already getting pretty cold outside. Hopefully that slows down because at the rate it is going it could get very cold very fast.

Tomorrow I will try showering in the morning again. The evening things are closing so early it's really no good to go over as early as I'd need to. It throws my schedule all out of whack. But, Monday when I went there were homeless in there Though I am one too I don't really look any different from other students. These have suitcase like bags hung up or left on the floor just outside the showers, and sometimes they don't have any concern for the hair and stuff they are cutting and leaving around. It's really rude and gross and not something I would be around if I have a choice. Plus, they remind me of just how sad and out of place I and my life are. If it happens again in the morning I'll probably go back to doing it in the evenings, despite it needing to be earlier. Of course, there is always the chance I'll forget and just go about my day as normal. That is honestly the most likely scenario.

Day 2683 - 11/5 - The gift

Today was a mix of emotions. I started out hopeful, as I was one of only a few who actually did the work I was supposed to last week and was ready for class. I felt confident going in to class that I'd do well on the thing. But people really didn't get it. They kept getting stuck on pieces of the idea and looking at each individual piece instead of looking at the whole. And they didn't look at the notes I had beyond what was needed that filled in a lot of the gaps they didn't get. So my day quickly turned to feeling like people just didn't get me.

In the later afternoon there was my class I TA for. Someone in class is a voice actor. It's kind of made me sad when it was brought up in previous weeks and this week. He's super young. I'd be surprised if he's even 25 yet. And even if I were to ask him how he did it, that wouldn't change the fact that I don't feel confident enough to try yet. I would want, and in many ways need, to be in a much more emotionally secure and confident position to feel comfortable trying. So in the past weeks when I've heard it brought up I've felt sad. I've felt like a failure. I've again felt like there are people out there doing the things I would want to do who are half my age, and so why would people want me?

In the evening I got a surprise. The nice person who sent a donation early in the week sent somethings to me. They were waiting for me at the ex-house when I checked. There are so many nice things. There are some pants, some underwear, a powder for when my feets get stinky, and even some various candy packs to snack on. (Though I'll have to be careful not to have too many chocolate ones or it will upset my tummy. )

So today was an odd mix of feeling confident, feeling sad, feeling like a failure and that I'll never achieve my dreams, and a bit of hope that there are some people out there who do care and worry about me.

Day 2684 - 11/6 - Last one out

Today seemed a bit sad. We got let out of the class early because the teacher was feeling tired. So that was 45 extra minutes that, at any other time in my life, would have been awesome to have. Yes, I spent it playing a bit, but it seemed sad. I do love my game very much, and the ability to play is one of the things that keeps me going, but it seems very sad compared to extra time in a home.

I think too it made me sad because on Fridays, well, all days really, it doesn't mean much to get out early. I have nowhere to go. And on Fridays it really just reinforces that fact. Nights like tonight people quickly leave around that time and I became the last one out of the building. The last to leave an empty building, going nowhere.

Day 2685 - 11/7 - So very cold

Today was actually pretty good. I got food at the food store. Then I got to be inside the cafeteria at school most of the day. It was a flea market day, so I was inside from when I got there until about 3:30. I went outside to my usual spot after. It was very cold all day. I didn't think they turned on the heat. When I was outside it was a bit colder, but not much. I had all my cloths on all day, and even inside much of the day I had my hoodie hood up to keep my head warm. When it got dark it got even colder. I was shivering after about 5. It's so cold it's almost like January winter weather.

If we ignore the cold the day was pretty good. I actually got lots of sleep last night, which is rare .And the connection was strong and stable all day for playing and watching shows. There were no jobs to apply for, but that is expected for a weekend.

Hopefully the rest of the weekend will be good, but if it continues as it was today I will be very very cold.

Day 2686 - 11/8 - The dying light

Today was cold and rainy. It started with a bit of a surprise as I discovered the recycle place opens an hour later on Sunday. So my day started a bit reorganized, but in a good way. It's good to know it's not too inconvenient to do on Sunday mornings.

I settled in at school and started my day. Not too long after I'd settled in it started raining. It's fine if it does, as my corner is protected by the roof. So there is a plenty of cover so I don't have to worry about splatter or a sudden gust of wind blowing rain onto my system. But it was sad that it was so cold and so rainy. The day never warmed up and by late afternoon I was shivering a bit.

The only sun I saw all day was a brief period of maybe 30 minutes or so. It had stopped raining, the clouds parted just a bit, and the last rays of the setting sun had shown through the clouds.

I don't know what to expect tomorrow. School will be closed, so I'll be outside again. And though I originally wasn't worried due to a park thing going on across the street (meaning the school would be the parking lot for that) with the rain I don't know what to expect. I always feel weird about parking at school on holidays hen there aren't other cars around.

I guess, as with all days, all I can do is try to hold on and hope for the best.

Day 2687 - 11/9 - Shivering all day

Today was good, but also bad. It was good in that I got to play all day. But it was bad in that things didn't quite go as planned. Yes, I wanted to play, but I also wanted to spend time on the writing assignments I have coming up. The reason that didn't happen is the weather.

It was cold and cloudy when I got on campus. But being before 9 AM I really wasn't surprised. What did surprise me is that instead of warming up it did just the opposite. By 10 there was thunder and lightning and it started pouring rain. While it let up a bit by mid-afternoon, all day I was so cold I basically never really stopped shivering. In fact, I had my gloves on basically all day. And my hoody hood was pinched closed and just my eyes and nose peeked out. It probably would have looked super silly if I could see it.

So, with partly numb parts and weather more like January than November, it was much too cold to really do anything. My brain was basically frozen into non-function, and if it could have my hands were occasionally shaking which would have made typing difficult. So today was odd in that, despite the building power supply sparking for a second and the Internet going out for 5 minutes, I got to play almost all day, and my otherwise very sad cold day was not quite so sad.

Day 2688 - 11/10 - Feeling hopeful again

Today I'm feeling a bit hopeful again. I got a shower and shaved all my parts, so I feel a lot more regular again. It is actually warming up outside and the rainy skies from previous days are clearing away. And, most of all, I'm in my spot at school, which is one of the only spots where I feel kind of like I'm in a home. And one of the classes I TA for is tonight, so I have feeling helpful to look forward to, along with maybe some lols with people who are friendly.

My writing assignments are freaking me out though. I have today and tomorrow to work on the big one due Thursday and I'm still struggling with it. It's one of the ones I knew all summer would come up in the class and all summer I never got a good idea to work on. I may be stuck tweaking the one I have to work, regardless of how the story will change in the process.

But today with the small turn for the better I feel a bit more hopeful, even though I know nothing has really changed.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2015
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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