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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 8: Endless Void

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 417

Day 2913 - 6/22 - Spared again

Today I feel a bit better, but sadness and worry hangs over me. Hopefully very soon I will be feeling more normal though, as I have yet again been spared by the nice person who sends big donations. I'll have enough to pay the registration, and a bit more they said to spend getting a fun thing. The summer sales are supposed to start tomorrow, so I'm hoping I can get things extra cheap and get more fun things than the monies otherwise would get.

I still can't help but worry if I should though. I should most certainly honor their wishes that the money was for fun things, while the other was for registration. I certainly don't want to let them down or insult them. But I worry. There are still other bills, some coming in just a week. The fun money would cover it, but then it would be gone, forever lost. And if other help does come, there would be no reason to worry. My plan so far is to honor their wishes, but to be very extra careful how I spend the fun money. I am spending lots of time researching and pondering if I really want and need a thing. And if not, maybe save it, or reserve some, maybe hold off and see if a sale happens next week.

I hate to agonize and struggle on spending monies on something that should be fun and would otherwise be such a small cost I wouldn't even think about it at all if I had regular income. If I were even still at a 15 hour a week job this purchase wouldn't be an issue. I'd have gotten it with little to no hesitation back when they were new. But my life has become so uncertain and so desperate I'm having to second guess and completely question every single decision I ever start to make.

Maybe there is a something on the horizon though. I got a message from an uncle I haven't seen in probably 15 years. He told me to contact my aunt by email, which I sent an email a bit ago. I don't know what that will result in though. There are somewhat close, well some of them were, probably 40-50 miles away. Most have scattered, and these aunts and uncles would all be in their 70s or 80s now, so I don't know how much help, if any, would be offered. Most of my cousins are probably in their mid 20s to early 30s by now. But maybe there will be something there. It seems doubtful though. That is the side of my family I felt weird seeing because for many of them I was the first nephew who was the son of their sibling who died. Some still saw me as me growing to who I was to become, but it always felt weird, and then as the years passed they never stayed in contact.

Though we weren't ever really in much contact to begin with as I only saw them a few times a year. Back in those days there wasn't constant contact through social media like there is today.

And I still feel weird about the end of the quarter and the end of the fail year. So today I feel weird. But I am spared again for the moment, and so I think over the next week or two as things begin anew I will hopefully start to feel better again. And I can start to feel revived and heal a bit as the pressure and change subsides. And hopefully I can have some better days ahead of me.

Day 2914 - 6/23 - Passing

Today I am still sad for the endings. It may take until next month to really be feeling better; when things have started anew and I have feelings of hope for the coming things rather than being at the end of the passing thing.

Speaking of that, apparently my aunt was looking for my email contact to pass some lawyers about my grandma passing? Which is odd because I have been assuming she probably passed like 10 or so years ago. I thought she was the same age as my other grandma, being born around 1901. But I guess not, as my aunt said when she went she wasn't quite 100 yet. But it seems odd lawyers would want to contact me through email. It would seem if there were any kind of passing of a thing it would have to require document signing and legal documents and such, which I'd think couldn't be signed through email. Whatever it is hopefully it will happen soon, as it's already been a couple of days and I'm overly fixated on watching for whatever email that will be and what it will entail.

I guess today was a pretty good day, though it doesn't much feel like it. With all the loss of things ending and again being reminded of failures in life, my heart feels broken. It aches, feels like I should have things checked, and continues to feel different since nothing seems to change.

But there is hope. My lunch friend found me the other day and asked if we could exchange emails. I did get the donations to pay for the registration, as well as another specifically for fun things. I did get an unexpected fun thing on sale during the summer games sale today. And as sad as my life is in what little I have left, that is all ok. It is still there. So I try to hug myself better, physically and emotionally, and I try to focus on what is ahead, and hope for better days.

Day 2915 - 6/24 - Almost completely freaked out

Today I almost had a panic type attack and felt like I was going to freak out and break into tears. I got the donation to save me a few days ago. I'd remembering the due date as the 28th, so I was expecting to hold the money just a few extra days. I so often have nothing these days I try to hold things as long as I can. I went to find the payment notice to set it out to remind me to do it in the morning and that's when I saw the day was the 22nd. I knew it could be late, but there would be a late fee if it were. So I started to panic. I wondered how I failed myself in remembering the date incorrectly. I felt like I'd failed those who sent help in time by not paying in time. I felt like I extra failed my biggest supporter, whose support financially and emotionally has been one of the few things keeping me going.

But I held on. I continued in to school and settled in to my usual spot without tears and without losing it. I was going to pay the due now, before it was even later. When I entered the things on the site it showed the base fee due. I thought late fees might be added separately. But the confirmation page showed the same, as is the payment verification page.

As I continued to wonder and looked at the paper again that's when I noticed I wasn't remembering the date wrong once, but twice. I saw it's not due in June, but July. Somewhere along the way in the past few months with all of my worry and pain I'd set the date off in my memory by almost an entire month in my head.

I suppose it worked out for the best. It's now paid for. I can now finally set that worry, stress, and pain aside. But I wonder if I will be ok again. I have so little these days I question everything. Repeatedly. Decisions, thoughts, and plans that were once so easy, clear, and certain, are now constantly questioned and second guessed. I have enough for one thing, but what if the other thing, or the other, or the other, or a terrible new thing comes along? Constantly echoing in my mind whenever I have the slightest bit of freedom to take care of a thing.

If and when I do ever get back settled into a safe home this memory will fade quickly, as if waking from a bad dream and I can hopefully return to at least a somewhat normal life.

But for the moment I am left wondering; have I become so hurt, so fractured, so shattered emotionally that such thoughts and feelings can be avoided? Or is my near constant state of fear and panic going to remain and fee like my one and only option for reactions to everything?

Day 2916 - 6/25 - New place

Today was different than I'd expected. Originally, once upon a time, I'd expected maybe I would be up in the city checking out what events and festivities there were this weekend. I've never been. So I've always wondered. But being unemployed these past two years, extra spending on something I've only had a passing curiosity for, something best done with friends, is completely out of the question. Which I suppose is fine since I don't have anyone to share it with and don't know what is being missed.

It was also different today because I expected to be alone on campus. And while I mostly was, I did see a few passing by for graduation. I wondered if I should go over, maybe say bye to people. But then I thought if anyone cared to say bye to me who was leaving, they would know where to find me and already done so.

And today too I stopped waiting to see if my old online game in game monies would go on sale and spent the gift monies someone said to use to get the expansions. It's sad I didn't catch a sale and get extra, but it only goes on sale a few times a year. So I spent a bunch of time in a new place in my old online game doing new and different things. One of my online friends I play with was there too, so we did some stuff together for a while.

I'm kind of rapidly losing interest in my online shooting game I've been playing so much lately. I don't expect I'll have anyone to play with anytime soon, so the repeated content over and over is becoming bleh. I think maybe my old favorite online game will probably go back to being the favorite again, and I'll slow down, or completely stop playing, the shooter that I've been doing solo. (Which isn't entirely a loss, as I've played somewhere around 675 hours.)

I had a super good time today, and thankfully the day passed quickly and there didn't seem to be much time to dwell on my sad things. Though I am ridiculously tired so the sad things did have an easier time taking over my thoughts. I can barely keep my eyes open, so hopefully I will rest well tonight and tomorrow can again be a better day.

Day 2917 - 6/26 - Too hot

Today it was too hot. Though it was much cooler today at 85F instead of the 95F of yesterday. But for some reason once the sun started getting to my area I was rapidly getting super hot and even a bit sweaty. Which worries me because it's been forever since I washed my cloths and it could still be a while before I have spare to do so. I'm not as stinky as most, and during school I can shower whenever I want, but that will only counter slinkiness so much.

I suppose today was a pretty good day. Showers were closed, but the church group was there, so at least I got to have a micro soup for lunch.

It was strangely quiet on campus. There were almost no people compared to normal, and I didn't see any workers or security at all, which is very unusual. So things were unusually quiet.

Hopefully things will cool off quickly tonight and I can sleep well and tomorrow will also be a better day.

Day 2918 - 6/27 - A good start

Today seemed like a good start. Things passed quickly in the morning, and had a peaceful fun time. In the afternoon and evening I had the class I TA for. It seemed off to a good start. The teaching side seemed to flow quickly and the students seemed engaged and interested. It will be weird since it's twice a week instead of once because of the summer quarter, so it will be interesting to see how that turns out.

I had a super fun time with class, and too with my game and a show for the small it of time I had. But I am still very worried for the next bills. The next insurance is due in three days, and there is the parking sticker I should get just a few days after that. Though I could likely park a few blocks from school if I have to, it would be very bad since with my poor feets as they are even walking just from the parking lot can be painful some days.

But today was a better day. And hopefully the once ahead will continue to be good as well.

Day 2919 - 6/28 - Maybe too hot

Today I am feeling positive about things and hoping things continue to go well. I have no class this quarter, so I have today free, but I'm always ready and happy to help people that need helping.

I don't think the contact from my relatives will result in anything. It looks like she just sent some legal papers which said, once upon a time about 25 years ago, my grandma had set up a trust for me. It was specifically for going to college, which I didn't go to until much later, so it says I don't qualify. But there were some hand written notes on the side I couldn't read that may have been a reference to it being given to me when I bought an apartment with my now ex-wife back about 18 years ago. Just about 16 years ago I had to sell that, and with what was left I did get through part of college on.

But that was it. It just seemed like a formal document saying I had monies, but don't get it, so it seems weird to give that to me roughly four months after my grandma's passing.

An though I am still lacking money for the insurance at the end of the week, gas money, and a parking sticker to keep parking on campus until next quarter in late August, not counting bigger costs coming later, I am still hopeful help will continue to come and I continue to squeak by. And while nothing may change today, I still feel positive, hopeful, and there is a small spark deep inside that I'll be ok again someday.

Week 418

Day 2920 - 6/29 - Nine

Today was a mix of good and bad. The day started with bad news in that I only have $9 left in my food account. I don't know how I'll get by with that little. That's like $1.50 a day. Even just getting lunch and dinner and nothing else, which would be enough that I could hang on but be a bit hungry a lot of the time, even for just that I'd need at least $6 more than I have. And those meals average closer to $4-5 per day. I did find some foods recently that might be cheaper at $3-4 for those, but even with those I'd still be short.

I had a super fun time with the class I TA for and with the few hours I had to play my games and watch shows. I am still incredibly grateful I have my laptop and a non-firewalled connection to play through. Though I have a few offline games I could play if there were a firewall, I would probably start to have a difficult time dealing with things if I were blocked at school like I was a few years ago.

So I am still very worried about money things. I have nothing to pay the car insurance at the end of the week, nor the parking sticker to allow me to park at school until next quarter starts in late August. And the sad part is that $75 would not only cover those costs, but also gas for a month. Such a small amount when I had a normal life, yet an amount that seems next to impossible these days.

As always I hope that help will come. I hope others out there are not feeling the pain and stress that I suffer from all my worries. And I hope that someday all this will be nearly completely forgotten and I will be ok again.

Day 2921 - 6/30 - End again

Today is again the end of another year of fail. I suppose this end is a bit different in that I am now so used to them that it doesn't seem quite as much of an end as others.

But then too maybe it's because nothing is really ending. This time it is really only an end in calendar only. The quarter has already ended and the new one started. And it is actually quite positive feeling.

Though I feel positive emotionally, I am still very concerned about not having any money for car insurance which is due tomorrow, a parking sticker for school, money for food, and other things. I do have a near full load of recycling to take in on the weekend, so hopefully that will get me enough gas for a week and maybe a few dollars for food, which hopefully is enough to hang on.

So as the fail year comes to a close I am very worried, but also hopeful I will continue to get help and hang on, because for this change it is really just a change in name only. And as such, it is just a day, like any other.

Year 9

Day 2922 - 7/1 - Huge boost

Late yesterday I got a boost of good news. It seems my aunt says she wants to honor the award amount, which is strange. You'd think she would have mentioned that right from the very start. However, since it's a big amount I wondered if that could harm my food award amount. If I lost that, that would be devastating, as that is about $2300 in food per year. She replied that she would check with the lawyers and see, and I haven't heard back since.

But, in theory that means I'd have enough to go back to my previous homeless life for a couple of years. And, if the car or laptop did die, while either would be devastating, I would have enough monies to try and do something to replace the item.

The short-term immediate improvements would pay the rest of the car insurance, oil change, contacts, gas money, and even things like new boots and new headphones. (Which in addition to their broken spine and general not holding their shape, have started crackling on the right speaker. Which is ridiculous that their electronics are as cheap as the plastic. I doubt these have been used for more than six months.

Today was a good day. In a bit of a surprise I got to shower, and be inside at my regular spot (no classes are going on during the summer on Fridays in my department.) And the cafeteria are was open, so I could make a soup for lunch.

I got to play and watch shows in effectively a comfy empty and peaceful space. And, with the news of the aunt wanting to give me the money, that is a huge morale boost.

I am so very tired though. I haven't slept well lately. But knowing the bills will soon not be an issue it seems I can have better days again, and at least go back to homeless normal. At least for a while.

Day 2923 - 7/2 - Pass on recycle

Today went a bit differently than I had thought it would yesterday. Last night and this morning I thought if I really wanted to do recycling or hold off. What I'd forgotten before then was this weekend is flea market weekend. Which will be extra terrible for about a year because where I normally park is blocked off for remodeling. About 1/3 of all the school spots are unusable. So I decided to pass this weekend and do it next.

Plus, I have the donation boost. So I have just enough to pay the critical things, do some laundry, have one fancy meal, enough to not worry about food until the next food cycle in a few days, and enough gas to last until next weekend when I do go do recycle.

Things were quieter than expected for a flea market day. Likely due to it being 4th of July weekend, even though it's not the fourth for a few days. I had a strong and stable connection and played my game and watched shows as I would any other weekend.

Today was pretty good. Though all my homeless things did not change and I did worry about them, as I could in the old days I put away thoughts of 'what if' and just focused on what is. And I tried to do the best I could with that, hoping better days will remain. And that maybe even better days are yet ahead.

Day 2924 - 7/3 - Approaching homeless normal

Today was a pretty good day. The pool showers were closed, but that wasn't a surprise since they have been closed on Sundays since the end of last quarter. But the church group was there, so at least I got to go in and have a microwaved lunch.

Mostly the day was a pretty normal Sunday. It was quiet and calm. I played my game, but being summer I've run out of shows for the moment. A laundry load is running, so I'll finally have clean cloths again. I can't remember when I last did a wash; probably months ago.

But with the donations I have the big things covered again. I have gas. I have a laundry. And with the promise of the trust from my grandma, I have the hope of returning to my previous homeless normal soon. Hopefully these fair days can continue until better days come.

Day 2925 - 7/4 - Surprisingly busy

Today went ok. It passed a lot quicker than I expected it would. That most likely had to do with all the people on campus. There was some kind of summer camp going on, so there were a bunch of teens and pre-teens around. Which is odd. You'd think they'd have the 4th off. And then too overall there were quite a few on campus.

Today for me is somewhat ending. I'll be off to hide for the night soon. Yet for just about everyone else the night may be just about to start.

I had a pretty good day playing my game. And it was warm, but not hot. And again, it passed pretty quickly, so things didn't feel too sad. But I'll be very glad to be back at school again tomorrow in my regular spot, able to maybe help students who need help. And hopefully with the long weekend behind me things can start to go back to homeless normal.

Day 2926 - 7/5 - Feeling normal-ish

Today I am feeling normal-ish. I got to shower and shave my parts, finally. I am in my regular spot; quiet, comfy, and warm. And today, while it maybe a bit slow due to the class I TA for not being today and them not needing lab help yet, should be an ok day.

My hair is actually getting to a weird spot. The fauxhawk, in places, is getting long enough to consider getting a comb and some kind of spray or gel to keep it up, or flatten it back with style. My hair is normally super thin, and so it just flops flat when longer than a few inches, so that's mostly what it does in places now. So now it isn't so much of an issue of feeling bad because it's bad and sad as much as it is feeling sad that it is a flopped chaotic unflattering look.

Today should be ok though, and so far, though I feel tired, I feel pretty good and hopeful.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2016
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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