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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 8: Endless Void

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 415

Day 2899 - 6/8 - Feeling forgetful

Today I am feeling like I've forgotten something important. I know nothing is due because my class is not only on Tuesday, but there is just the final coming up. I think it's just because I'm getting over the cold, so my confusion is clearing. Yet I'm still congested, yuck is in my lungs, and I'm so very exhausted, and super hungry from trying to fight it off.

Today was a pretty good day. I played my games and watched shows before and after the class I TA for. And a few people asked for my help, thanked me for previous help, and so I feel helpful and appreciated today.

Though I am still very concerned about getting the remaining monies needed to pay for registration in a few weeks, insurance at the start of the month, and next quarter's parking and gas, I still feel pretty good emotionally. And for what my life has become, lately I am having at least a few better days.

Day 2900 - 6/9 - Feeling lonely

Today more than anything I felt lonely. This quarter and last quarter there haven't been as many people on campus, particularly in the evening. Thursday evening there are only two classes in the department, so it's very quiet. And the lab is basically empty. So most of today, particularly in the evening I was almost completely alone in the lab.

I felt sad, but was pretty happy to have my games and shows. I know I was more sad than usual though because I really wasn't excited for any of my shows, and I didn't really care all that much about watching anything.

I'm still very sick, very tired, and very hungry. And, as of last night, my left side has been hurting a bit. I guess the muscle on that side is getting a touch fatigued from all the coughing. I'm also still coughing yuck, so that doesn't feel good.

Emotionally I am more ok than usual, but physically I'm still very beaten up, and I'm still very sad and worried about if I'll have enough money for all the things coming up very soon.

Day 2901 - 6/10 - Another show

Tonight was another student film show at school. It doesn't feel like it's been a year since the last, but it has. When at the event, seeing many of the same people as before, it felt like there had been no time at all since the last. Yet now that I am away, it feels so very long between them. Maybe it's because I saw a lot of the work for many of the projects, and so I saw them slowly coming together.

But now I feel even smaller than before. The really good ones are such big undertakings with so many behind it, all behind the vision of one, or a few, people.

I don't know if I could ever be one of those people. I don't know if I would have enough who saw my vision to be a creator, or if enough see my worth to call upon me for help with such a project as crew. Those alongside me are half my age, and all forming bonds and connections with each other. And while I know some see and acknowledge what I can offer, to most I am invisible, and not a part of things.

I still feel lost and adrift in life. I still hope to someday find my place in life. But as I so often do these days, I wonder if that place will always be as an outsider.

Day 2902 - 6/11 - A and B

Today was some of this and some of that in so many ways. It started chilly, but by the early afternoon it was getting almost hot. I started the day feeling sad, like an outsider, and very out of place. By the afternoon I was feeling my regular weekend at school self. In the morning I wasn't too worried about monies, but as the day went on and I needed gas I became increasingly worried as I now only have 1/3 of what I need for registration in two weeks.

Overall I went from feeling very sad about my place and position to having a pretty good day eventually. But I still can't help feeling like things are slipping through my grasp. I continue to hope for donations and that help will come. And I try to stay positive and hang on until it does.

Day 2903 - 6/12 - Feeling outside

Today was pretty different. In the morning the pool area was closed, and there was no church group. Campus was empty save for a few people all day. It felt like an apocalyptic future where I was one of only a few left.

I think, due to my cold beating me down physically, still being congested, coughing up yuck, and getting dizzy playing my games, I am being easily beaten down emotionally. I worry if I will have money for all the things. I feel sad and lonely because I don't have any friends I like in person to do things with. And it seems more and more when I do see or hear news lately it is filled more and more with tragedy and things that cause me to lose faith in humanity as a whole.

The odd thing is that today wasn't really a bad day for me. It was warm. I had shorts on, and took off my outer shirt layer most of the day, my connection was strong and stable so I played games and watched shows, and I felt about as good as I can feel for my current life.

I hope it is enough. I am very thankful I have my car, my laptop, and enough things to help keep me going and happy emotionally. And hopefully, someday, that better day will come that makes all days after better days.

Day 2904 - 6/13 - Felt like home

Today was pretty good. My cold is still beating me up though. I am still very congested, rarely sneezing, but the congestion in my lungs persists with the phlegmy yuck. And along with the slight dizziness is a slight ringing in my ears. And I am so very tired.

But today was pretty good. I helped a few people with their projects. Sadly I found no job stuff, and as always I am sad about that and worry about bills. But in spite of that, when I was in the lab for a handful of hours I felt like I was in a home. I was fully engaged with my game, and later my online show. And so for a brief time I felt at home, able to be immersed completely in those different worlds. And, as brief as those few hours seem now, that is something.

Day 2905 - 6/14 - So very tired

Today I am sooooo very tired. I'm still very beaten up by my cold. I don't have many symptoms, just mostly the sniffling and yuck in my lungs, but I'm so tired. I think it's because it takes my body so much more to fight colds since I have bleh microwave food. The chicken soups are good, I'd probably have some of those when sick either way, but I always wonder how much less capable my body is overall due to not very healthy foods.

I feel ok emotionally, but I just got settled and I'm still half asleep and completely exhausted. I actually nearly slept straight through last night, which rarely happens.

It's extremely quiet. It's the last regular week of the quarter, with next week being finals, so things are winding down.

But, as always, with the day ahead of me I hope positive things happen and I have a better day.

Week 416

Day 2906 - 6/15 - Feeling happy, but also very sad

Today I feel both happy and very very sad. I feel happy because it was a pretty good day. There was the class I TA for's final projects, so we watched all the things. And I had a decent amount of time to watch a few shows and play a bit too.

But I felt very sad because, as the last class, this is yet another end. Another reminder of a period without change for me. And more still, a reminder that in a few weeks it will be the end of another year of fail.

Also I was very sad because I'm now down to about $20 of what was almost enough to pay the registration. Back when the last batch of donations added up it was something like six weeks ago and I almost had enough. But I knew I had to be careful because of the regular costs of insurance, gas, and any emergencies that came up. And as each thing nibbled a bit away I have felt more and more sad, as I knew each bit nibbled put me that much further from making that big once a year fee. There is still about 1.5 weeks left until it's due, but I grow more and more worried I'll have nothing for it. And with each passing day I grow more and more sad that it's unpaid, as that puts me closer and closer to not being able to keep the car.

I continue to hope that help comes, and that new kind souls find it in their hearts to help, and together with those already watching out for me, that I will get enough and make it. But with things so close to the date it is becoming more and more difficult to not be constantly consumed with worry.

Day 2907 - 6/16 - Odd day

Today was an odd day emotionally. Though much of it I felt very sad and as very depressed about what I'm missing in life in terms of friendship and love. In particular, not having a sweetie and teh possibility for kids someday. Though at this point it is unlikely I'd have my own little ones, as it seems very unlikely I'd meet someone of an age interested in having kids if I were to ever find someone again.

So much of my day was puttering around not playing or watching shows, and juts looking at videos of stuff at a gaming convention going on right now.

When I'd feel up enough to watch a show it turns out the one I watched was a fairly abrupt ending to a series that's been going on for eight seasons that I had no idea was ending. Which also made me feel odd because I wasn't expecting it to end, let alone to be wrapped up so quickly like that.

In the evening the intermediate film class was showing their final projects they, in theory, have worked all quarter on. I knew nearly everyone in class, so it was cool to see them improving. Mostly my comments, while maybe helpful, felt more like a third wheel. But for one group I was very important, as no one in class understood their film, yet my interpretation was apparently dead on. So much so one of them laughed out loud at how exact I'd gotten the interpretation, and after the class the director of the project said he was happy because he could always count on me to get his stuff. So that felt nice to be appreciated.

I did get a donation from a friend, which helps, but I am still so very far now from having enough for the registration, and I am still very worried and constantly saddened by it. There is still about a week and a half, so I still hold on to hope more will help and I will make it. But I can't help but feel profoundly sad that it looks like I won't. And that my sad has continued for so long that each year that has gotten tougher and tougher.

Day 2908 - 6/17 - Sads return

Today my sads return. I had a super good fun time with my games and a few shows, but again my sads are persistent throughout the day and I have a difficult time feeling anything but sad. Though I do feel very extremely tired as well. I have been sleeping deeper, and actually been waking up less during the night, but I feel like I am getting less sleep. Again my mind feels confused, easily distracted or swayed, and more than anything I wish I could just sleep in for several days in a row.

Nothing really changed in what I did today. It was more of the same, but with less playing and more meandering online looking at news. My thoughts were different though. With the end of the quarter my mind again thinks on friendship and love I don't have, bonds I'm not forming, jobs I might enjoy that I have not been offered, and other 'what if's that can't be.

Hopefully I'll get more, or better, sleep tonight, whichever it is my body needs. Hopefully I can go back to having fun with what I do have and enjoy today. But until then, as always, I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 2909 - 6/18 - Rested, but tired

Today I feel rested, but also still so very tired. I think I slept well last night. I'm not sure, as I don't really remember much other than odd dreams. I think I fell asleep quickly after putting my head down, which is rare. And being the weekend I got to sleep in a tiny bit, so I do feel rested. But I still feel so very tired, and very sad.

My sads again made my fun things less fun. And my online game I used to play all the time has sort of become a source of sadness when I do visit. Being two expansions behind now, everyone has moved on, and where I am or can be is pretty empty. Plus there are only the two who I really see anymore, and even they aren't always on when I check in.

But I try to hang on. I try to have as much fun as I can, and let myself be as distracted as possible from sad things, and to focus on what I still have. I still hold on. I still hold on to the knowledge that all I was is at the ex-house, and as soon as I can, it can be set out around me again in a home and I can be whole again. I know some scars may remain forever, but I hope many of the holes can be healed. And so I continue to hang on.

Day 2910 - 6/19 - Tears for momma kitty

Today was extra sad, but not from a sad thing for me. Someone posted the cutest picture of four kittens, maybe 3-4 weeks old. There were apparently found in the attic. They looked healthy, but I cried at what a bad and tough life they must have had to this point. Attics are always really warm, and while that is good in the winter they must have been very hot and I wondered how they got enough water, and if four were all there were, or if there were maybe some who didn't make it. I wondered if the mom would come back soon and they could get her to take her with the little ones to the pound together, or if she would come back after a time and suddenly find them gone, not knowing what happened or being able to say goodbye.

I suppose the sad story just struck me extra hard since I've not had a loving home myself for so many years, and maybe too because I lost my mom when I was just a little one.

Though filled with extra sadness I suppose my day was ok other than that. Campus was pretty empty, though more than that it seemed still. I am still constantly sad and worried about my unpaid registration, but with a hair over a week until it's due I still hold on to hope that help will come in time.

Day 2911 - 6/20 - More tears for kitties

Today I felt very sad. There was news a dead kitty was found who has all the colors of the kittens. It must have been their mom. I cried for all the kitties. I cried for mom, who probably died fighting to protect her little ones. I cried because I don't know if she knew they were safe, or if she thought they'd all been taken and that's why she died in a fight with another critter. And I cried for the little ones, who will never know where their mom went or why she is no longer with them.

I suppose it's not much different from any kitty. The little ones are with them for a while, then taken away. And again maybe this has just been extra sad to me because I have been on the street without a safe loving home for so long. And again too maybe it's in part because I lost my mom.

But it made me very sad all day, and very depressed knowing how much sadness there will be in the kitten's lives now.

But I hope they will be ok. Yesterday the person posted the pound will take the kittens and find them loving homes when they are old enough, and I'm sure that will still be the case. So I try to focus on their future and hold on to hope they will always have a loving forever home and their start of homelessness and loss of their mom will be forgotten in time, and that they will remember the good, yet brief, time they shared.

And too I hope for me. I hope that I too can have a happy end to my homeless times, and not lay dying alone in the street like the kitten's mom.

Day 2912 - 6/21 - Quiet, and worried

Today I am still very sad about the tragedy of mommy kitty. Hopefully in time I can hear about the little ones finding happy loving homes and that will be something.

Today I am worried about all the money things. It is now one week until the registration is due, and if I subtract for things like a parking sticker and gas I basically have nothing to put towards it. If I just subtract a tiny bit for gas, and ignore a parking sticker, I still only have about 20 of the nearly 100 I'd need. So I am very worried about that.

Campus is quiet and still. Hardly anyone is around. Why would they be? I am basically the only one with nowhere to go when tests are done. At least they will supposedly have a regular schedule and it will be normal right up until next quarter starts.

While I try to focus on the happy things I have there seem to be many sad reminders lately; mom kitty dying on the street, the coming registration, the end of the quarter, and the end of the Fail year. As always I try to hang on and stay positive, but lately it has been extra tough.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2016
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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