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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 8: Endless Void

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 413

Day 2885 - 5/25 - So tired

Today I am so tired. Maybe soon I should seriously consider napping in my car during the morning or daytime like I used to back in the day. I don't know though, it seems weird to sleep-in in the mornings after I get to school now. Hopefully I'll just start sleeping more, and deeper, at night and not need to consider that. Things have settled into a safe enough routine I should be able to get enough sleep without needing extra after I've done my first move of the car to school.

But I was super sleepy today. It wasn't necessarily a bad day, nor a super good one. It was an average homeless one of late, but extra sleepy.

I suppose it was good not being bad or something getting worse. There are so many bad and sad things that could easily get far worse lately. So I guess I am thankful for that.

Maybe though I can sleep quickly, deeply, and not be startled in fear in the night by some unexpected scary thing. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 2886 - 5/26 - Lunch

Today was different. In the morning I had some grapes. I've had them a few times recently. My brain has just been suffering too much lately from lack of sleep and lack of non-microwaved food that I figured I had to do at least a little something even though I can't really afford it.

I also had a real lunch. Someone who I haven't seen in a few years came by with a donation and feeding me lunch. It wasn't anything super fancy, just a medium fast food place across the street from school, but being not microwaved it helped a lot. Though I'm still exhausted, I don't quite feel like I'm in as much of a haze.

The evening was a bit disappointing though. The advanced film class was showing some stuff, but no one came over to the lab to get me to join them. I guess it's not a huge deal, as I only know about 1/3 of them, but it was sad to not be thought of or invited. I mean, sure, if my life were normal I wouldnt be doing TA help. I wouldn't likely know any of them. Or if I did, either they, or I, would be passing on in a year or two, so there wouldn't be that connection.

But today seemed sad. It seemed like I had no impact on other lives, or that how I'd helped or what I'd said didn't matter. I'm sure that's not the case. I know I am helpful and probably have had some input. But still, it felt sad.

Maybe it's just in part that I'm getting older. And I'm in a very sad place in life. And maybe I just want to feel like something I've done really matters and will last beyond me, if even just indirectly through helping someone else.

So I suppose today was good, but also sad; As my sad things continue and I continue to ponder all the sad things that have come, and those yet to come which will be a result of them.

Day 2887 - 5/27 - Cheap

Today I felt sad, but actually had some good news. I finally was able to lift my head out of sadness long enough to look up how much zippers would cost at a local sewing/hobby store next to the food store. It looks like a replacement zipper for my shorts will be about. $1. Whuuuttt? So cheap. I was figuring it would be $5 or more. So that is super good news and I'll go measure the zipper tonight and probably get that tomorrow. It was super warm again lately, with the online weather showing today at 80F, so it will definitely be shorts weather for a bit.

Also, since I got a few donations lately and because I think it's been a month, I grabbed all my cloths to wash them. It only took two loads, which are going now as I write this, which surprised me as I figured it would be too much cloths for that and some would have to wait.

So despite my feeling pretty low all day being at school not doing any school things, only trying to live a normal life as if I were in a home, I guess there are a few small things to celebrate. I will try to focus on the good things, but I feel so sleepy I've been feeling like I'm going to pass out any second, and because of that the confusion and haze return.

Day 2888 - 5/28 - So warm

Today was super warm in the shade, so it was likely hot in the sunny areas. I was a bit concerned about the laptop because warm going in means it will have a harder time keeping cool. It wasn't hot, but half of the keyboard got pretty warm. (The side with the physical hard disk and graphics chip.)

I got my zipper for fixing my favorite shorts. It was pricier than online at $2.15 after tax, but that is still a very fair price to get my favorite shorts back, particularly since there are only two other pair.

Today was ok I guess. Despite it being a long weekend it was really just a regular Saturday for me (other than the nearly hot temperature.) I am still very sad, very worried, and unbelievably sleepy.

Day 2889 - 5/29 - The event

Today was actually pretty good. The morning had extra surprises as it was both open at the pool area, so I could shower, and the church group was there, so I microed a soup.

The day itself was fairly slow and uneventful. Most of the day it was just a regular Sunday of a brief job check, playing a few games, and watching a few shows.

The evening was different. I went to a local event where people were meeting to play an online card game; the one I'm an MVP on the forums for. It was a small place, and only a half dozen people showed up, but it was pretty fun. I'm bad at the game, so that part was meh. I'm always on the fence about if I should continue playing or not. But meeting and chatting with the people was pretty fun. The guy said he may do another in a month, so we'll see if it happens again.

I suppose overall today was pretty good. The day was warm, though the evening started to get a bit too chilly for shorts. I got my usual shower and had my usual Sunday outside of school. And the event in the evening was pretty fun. Though I still hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 2890 - 5/30 - Mister stinky feet

Today was pretty good. It was peaceful and quiet on campus. There were a few small groups of students passing through in the later afternoon, or doing what looked like thinking about a group project, but that was basically it.

My morning started off with a surprise doughnut. I'd gotten one for Sunday, but I wasn't quite hungry enough for it. I guess I completely forgot I had it as it went undiscovered until this morning. The rest of my day went pretty normally with games and shows.

At least until I was disturbed by mister stinky feet. There has been a guy literally sitting right behind me for a few weeks now. I may have to see about moving that bench next weekend. It's not supposed to be there. But out of like probably 30 tables, the closest of which is about 20 feet from where I sit, this guy has been coming to the one which is probably less than two feet from me. Not only does it put him behind me, where there is this cone behind me I don't like people being and making noises, but today he took off his shoes (he had no socks), so his stinky feet were literally two feet away from just about my head. I was nice and didn't say anything, but at the start it was almost so bad I was nearly gagging. Thankfully the day was pretty hot, so they dried and the breeze aired out most of the stink in about 15 minutes.

My back is killing me. Likely not just from today, but the weekend sitting overall. But I suppose a sore lower back and a brief time of stinky feet isn't too bad of a day. It actually could have been worse in any number of ways.

Yet, as always, I continue to hope there are better days ahead of me.

Day 2891 - 5/31 - Looong weekend over

The long weekend is finally over. Like the last one, it feels more like a week than a weekend with a single extra day. It has been getting warm again, and it is actually almost hot and it's still the morning time.

I don't know what today will bring. I didn't see people yesterday, so today is a total unknown. I have class, which is the bulk of the day. But then after that I will likely just be hanging out in the lab and helping people with projects that are due tomorrow. This quarter seems to have a higher than average number of 'last minute people'.

As always, I hope today will be good, and so far I already feel pretty good. And I hope tomorrow is even better.

Week 414

Day 2892 - 6/1 - Cheese sandwich rations

Today I am pretty sad. I've actually been very depressed for a while now and as part of that I've been getting a lot of bad food snacks. Tasty dessert snacks make me feel less sad, but they are also horribly expensive. Which leads to things like the last few weeks of my taking minor hits to regular meals, which leads to me feeling hungry more often, which leads to my being more depressed and sad, which just generates a bad cycle.

So now I have gotten so low on food monies I'm basically going to have to heavily ration. I'll likely have cheese sandwiches more than not for the next five days.

Someone promised me a dinner tomorrow, so in theory I have real food to look forward to tomorrow. But outside of that I'll have to be really ridiculously careful.

I suppose today was ok other than that. I was free in the morning, then the class I TA for was split half doing shooting and the other half showing projects they'd done. So the day was pretty fun, plus there was the usual game playing and show watching, so that was ok.

I will nom some cheese sandwich to calm my tummy, hopefully sleep ok through the night, and hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 2893 - 6/2 - Farewell to the lunch friend

Today brought a bit of sad news. I saw the lunch friend in the evening, who I haven't seen in what feels like weeks. He said he hasn't been around because he dropped his classes and is going to go back to a 3d art focus at a college he used to go to. He's super happy about it, so it's nice to see him super happy and positive about the direction his life is going.

But I'll miss our lunch sharing. It was nice to have a friend to talk to and laugh with, and to share shows with. I do expect everyone I meet will move on and have lives without me, but I guess it just seems extra sad as he's one for the few who have been close to becoming a real friend.

Maybe it feels extra sad because he's not on social media, and being a console player he's not on a system I can add him there either.

I suppose it's always possible I could win the lottery before the quarter is over and offer an open invitation to put him up where I land if he needs a place to stay for continuing college. But with our age difference and not being able to offer much, it doesn't feel right to reach out without that stable normal-ish life in place.

I am sad and not really sure what to feel about it. I suppose, as always, I will try and look at the good things I do still have, and hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 2894 - 6/3 - A Friday

Today was just a regular Friday. Besides what may have been record breaking heat, it was no different than any other Friday.

I suppose today was neither good nor bad. I was able to play my games and have fun, but there were no donations, nor anything that changed my future path.

I suppose it's a good thing nothing got worse. Though, I'm exhausted. I'm hungry. I'm worried if I will have enough to pay for the car registration (I still have enough for half from the previous donation rounds.) And I still worry and wonder if anything will really change for the better since I've fallen so far.

Day 2895 - 6/4 - Hot, and a cold

Today was pretty hot. Though it didn't actually get hot until late afternoon. The morning was oddly cloudy, and it even looked like there was some evidence of rain when I was inside school.

It was a pretty regular day, but I think I'm developing a cold. For a few days my throat has been messed up. Yesterday I started to get sniffly. And today I'm pretty sniffly, my throat is super scratchy, and I'm sneezing.

Though I was actually sad today. I think it was from leftover thoughts of the lunch friend, combined with the event last weekend. It makes me miss actual friends more. So today I felt like I wanted to be doing pen and paper gaming, or maybe board games, with friends. But I have no real life friends to do that with, and haven't in years. With each quarter that comes and goes where people seem friendly, then not becoming long lasting friends, I wonder if I will ever have such friends again.

And so I feel sad. As I am not gaining new friends like that, and I don't have new virtual worlds to play with and possibly find new ones there either. I feel alone, sad about days long past, which may never come again. And I try to hang on until better days come.

Day 2896 - 6/5 - A better day

Today was actually a better day. All the positive things I expected and hoped to have were there, and there were unexpected surprises.

In the morning I got my shower, though it wasn't quite as private as normal due to a swim meet. And after, the church group was at school, so I could pop in to micro my soup for lunch.

When I'd gotten set up and checked my email there was a donation gift card from the person who keeps helping. It was so that I could catch a game I've been wanting on sale. So I got that, and with the Xmas monies I have been holding on to I got the add on stuff for it. I immediately started downloading it, but sadly the school hasn't been as fast as it used to be. A year ago you could pull about 5 or so gig per hour, but for a while now it's been slower, or capped, I'm not sure which. But it seemed that it peaked at about 1.5 gig per hour. So I didn't get all of the game, even spending all day and evening downloading. It's about 65%. Worst case scenario is that tomorrow after the lab opens I can yoink a landline and it will probably get the rest in about five minutes.

There was no stinky feet person this week either, so I was left in my quiet corner alone. I had everything I'd hoped and expected for today, and more.

For the moment my spirits are bolstered. I know there are people out there who care and worry about me. And with the recent games gifted my spirits are lifted and I can escape to something that is not my sad life. And at the same time, feel more connected to others playing these games around me, and as such feel like I'm part of a greater whole.

Today I feel like I have little lights along my dark path to help me going. And much like street lights, hopefully they will help me along until I find my way back home.

Day 2897 - 6/6 - Growing cold

Today was pretty much another better day. Though it was a bit saddened, as I pretty rapidly started feeling more and more sick as the day went on. In the morning I finished downloading my new game. I tried playing my regular shooting game for about 15 minutes, and even in that short of a time I felt a bit dizzy. I stopped and noticed I was feeling feverish and my heart rate was pretty elevated even just sitting still. I had lunch, then most of the rest o the day I played my new game (which is a turn based strategy game, so no fear of getting dizzy.)

Most of the day I was pretty sick, so things seemed to pass quickly. I may have had thoughts about various things, but they quickly were forgotten due to the confusion from the cold. It wasn't until after dinner that things started to clear, and even now I'm still having difficulty breathing and I feel like my heart rate is still unusually high.

But it was a pretty good day. I helped some people. I played my games. I watched some shows. And for a bit I forgot my sad life. While it will be harder to forget my sad life tomorrow if the cold lessens and my mind clears, hopefully the good feelings from recent events will last and I will have a few more better days before sadness starts to consume me again.

Day 2898 - 6/7 - Coughing up yuck

Today I feel pretty good emotionally, but my cold is beating me up. I am super tired, super thirsty, congested in my nose, and when I cough yuck comes out.

Hopefully I'll be better very soon. I feel mostly better, but my body is having a tough fight.

Emotionally I feel pretty good though. The day is cool and threatening rain, but I'm sure that will clear. I have my class, so that will be very restful, as it's just a bit of lecture then watching old movies.

Hopefully everyone out there will have a good day, and an easier time in life than me. And hopefully today and my other days will be better days.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2016
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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