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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 7: Dying embers

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 339

Day 2367 - 12/24 - The Eve that's not

Today is Xmas Eve. But to me it doesn't really feel like it. It feels like any other holiday that I've been homeless when things are closed. Yes, people around me are doing Xmas stuff. But outside of one donation and a few posts it's no different than any other day.

The day started warmer than others. But inside I was no warmer. Visions danced in my head of previous winter's holiday. Times I'd be in my house cloths playing and relaxing, but there were no visions of gift exchanging. No visions of visiting friends or loved ones.

I still wonder sometimes why that is. Why have I drifted away from all my family. Why have no friends I used to know so well all moved on and stopped contacting me. I wonder if it's because I stopped reaching out. But then I think they too never reached out. It can't be entirely my fault if I am alone if those people stopped caring.

Day 2368 - 12/25 - Three little bites

Today was a very sad Xmas time. All I was looking forward to was playing my console game, possibly with my friends. Stupid hackers attacked the network, so noone anywhere could be online with their new systems they got today.

In the evening when I had my dinner and I was going to hide for the night I saw a street kitty. I've seen him a few times lately. It makes me sad that the nice kitty doesn't seem to have a home. He was under a car not running from me, so I said I and waved. He was too scared to come out. I tore off three small kitty sized bites of hamburger for him. He ate two pretty quickly, but was hesitant on the third. Hopefully someone else is putting out food for him and he's getting enough to eat. I wanted very much to pick up the kitty and give him love, but he was too scared.

Maybe someday both the kitty and I will have a home, and we will no longer be afraid to be loved.

Day 2369 - 12/26 - The server is down

Today was very sad. Today and yesterday the servers for the console were down. Without that I can't play my console game. It's super lame both major console networks were attacked and shut down by hackers. This holiday is ruined for possibly millions of people; some who are just getting the console and games for the first time. Others who were hoping to play with friends, family, or loved ones.

I had an ok time at the coffee shop, but I really didn't do anything today. I watched some shows, checked forums, played some games for a short while, but overall I feel very sad. I miss being in a home, and there are activities I really wanted to do to help me alleviate the sadness I couldn't do. But still, I feel more sad for those whose Xmas time has been ruined by the hackers.

Day 2370 - 12/27 - Another day down

Today was another day with the console network down. I think my online friends weren't around much anyways, so it wasn't a huge loss there. But it felt odd to again not be able to play after playing every other day or so for the past few months. The service is supposedly coming back up, so hopefully this will be fine in the morning and everything will be back to normal then.

I am tired. I am cold. But most of all I miss being in a home, where I can be me again.

Day 2371 - 12/28 - Still can't get on

Today was full of sad. All day I waited to see news about my console network being up so I could play. All day people reported they couldn't get on. I killed time watching shows I had in my queue, but I really didn't want to. I wanted to do other things - things I couldn't do because I am homeless. So I waited, the entire day. At the end, my friends said they could get on and play. I went and got my system. But after setting up at the food store I still couldn't log in to the network. I still couldn't get in. They were very sad without me and I was sad it's been like five days now I haven't been able to play.

I know I am not defined by being able to play one game, but with having no control over my environment to try and fix it, and nothing else really I can do due to being homeless, I feel more and more just like a big failure.

Day 2372 - 12/29 - More sad

Today the sad continues. I again couldn't get on to play my console game with my friends. And again there was little for me to do. It is getting more and more difficult to distract myself from my very sad life since there is so little for me to do. Even if I do play a game or watch a show, because of how I need to do that it is almost impossible to ever forget I'm homeless.

I guess my console play and seeing my online friends is yet another thing I've now seemingly lost, and all I can do is hope the network gets fixed, and eventually I can at least have that one thing back.

Day 2373 - 12/30 - Very sad start

Today is off to a sad start. It's starting to get cold and the car was frosted over a bit. I went to the food store to see if I could connect to play my console game, and again every option I had failed. Again it seems like I may not be able to play with my friends unless I somehow manage to get into a home. And again what could have been the only distraction from my sad life leaves me with the normal things, where my sad life is ever-present in my mind.

Week 340

Day 2374 - 12/31 - Eve

Today was both fun and sad. In the morning I got to play for a bit with some friends. I didn't want to be there too long, as I don't like to be at the food store more than a few hours at a time. Still, it was super fun and nice that I got to play my console game as normal again.

The second half of the day was somewhat sad. I went to the coffee shop and didn't have much to do. I'd gotten current on just about every show I'm subscribed to, and even seen some movies on my online service that finally have become available. But tonight is supposed to be about being with friends or family celebrating. While it would be weird to be with friends or family that I don't really know, it is very sad being homeless and needing to hide alone in the shadows where I am undiscovered.

Day 2375 - 1/1/15 - Pew pew with friends

Today turned out ok I suppose. It started with playing at the food store on my console. A friend was on, so we played together. He had to leave a little early but not too soon before my planed leaving time. After, I recorded my podcast, had lunch, edited my podcast, and helped on the forums. After that I really wasn't looking forward to hours of killing time at the coffee shop. So I decided to go back to the food store and play for a bit more.

So today wasn't too bad actually. It was really very cold through a great part of it. But I had fun with my friends again and things are slowly returning to normal, so I suppose that is something.

Day 2376 - 1/2 - Cold shower

Today was ok in the early part and pretty fun in the evening part. I decided to check and see if school was open to shower. It sort of was. One side locker room area was open. It's showers were pretty cold. Not ice, like my car was just a bit before driving over, but not even what I'd call luke-warm. It was enough I could shower and rinse off though, and that was fine. In the evening I had a fun time playing online on my console with my friends.

I guess today was ok, and from the later afternoon on it went pretty quick, which is always good these days.

Day 2377 - 1/3 - Missing friends

Today was pretty sad. My friends said they would play too early for me to see them, so I didn't plan on playing until the later afternoon almost evening. But around noon one messaged and asked if I was playing. I guess I missed my chance and wound up alone in the evening.

My sad life continues to be sad and little things like hopping on to play with friends when they are unexpectedly on is difficult, and reminds me just how limited my life is.

Day 2378 - 1/4 - A day divided

Today was ok I guess. It was divided into two parts. The first part was at the coffee shop. I remember helping on forums and watching a few shows, but that was it. The second part I was playing my console game with a friend. It's nice to finally be balancing out somewhat to normal.

Tomorrow is school. Though I don't have a class I'll be hanging out there all day. It will be nice to be back in a somewhat warm, quite, and private enough place. Tuesday will be pretty crazy. I have my noon class until 4:30, then another class until 9. Hopefully it will be ok because both classes being pretty big on the same day sounds exhausting.

Maybe, someday, my life can return to normal and I can be back in a home with a happy life and a non-exhausting schedule.

Day 2379 - 1/5 - No console play

Today was both happyish and depressing. I went over to school and had an ok time. I helped a lot of people from my spot in the hall find their class. One professor and a few students said hey to me and we chatted briefly. Mostly though I just helped out on forums, checked for job, and watched shows.

Some very sad news came in the afternoon. My online work I've been doing for my friend may be coming to an end. I guess she hasn't heard from her boss in quite some time and she's been getting later and later with payment. So, in about a week I may have zero income at all. I'll be looking into getting unemployment extended and the new school food stamps program, but I may very rapidly be relying entirely on donations to stay alive. Which, outside of one during Xmas time, I haven't seen a donation in half a year or more that I recall.

The later afternoon was even more sad news. I got to the food store, set up my system, and settled in to play, and I couldn't connect. Asking a worker there it seems the network was down and they had repair trucks coming and going during the day. So, no console play with my friends today, and all I can do is hope it's fixed by Wednesday for my next play window.

With the sad events of the latter half of today it feels like this will be the year everything crashes down around me and I won't be able to recover. I try to remain hopeful, but with so little left, and no income at all, I fear anything lost at this point will be gone forever.

Day 2380 - 1/6 - Up too early

Today started too early. Probably from a mix of excitement and fear I woke up nearly an hour earlier than I needed to.

I am slowly settling in to being out and awake, but today may be very long and tiring. I have a class from 12:30-4:30, then another from then until about 9. I guess it's ok though because then I'm done for the week. Though I'll be TAing again for that intro film class on Thursday.

As always I hope things get better, but with things worse I figure this year may become the worst of all. Without help from others I don't even know if I'll be able to eat in a few weeks.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2014
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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