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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 7: Dying embers

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 349

Day 2437 - 3/4 - Still so sick

Today I feel very tired. I got enough sleep, so I'm not sure what is going on. I have had a few very strange sneezes today, so maybe I'm coming down with something.

I also feel very soft. I got a shower at night after my console play, so my softness is fresh in my thoughts. Once upon a time feeling my parts being soft on nice clean comfortable bed sheets was one of my favorite things. Those times seem so long ago now. I can't remember when I slept in a bed with sheets, let alone one as nice and soft as the ones I had. Such distant memories now. Almost like a life I never really lived at all.

Day 2438 - 3/5 - Distraction

Today was ok I guess. Sadly I didn't get to record in the morning like I'd expected to. Literally right when I got to school and took out my laptop to start setting up someone came and got in her car right next to me and started listening to stuff loudly and doing her makeup and stuff.

The rest of the day was basically as usual. I messed around for a bit. I helped on forums for a bit. I watched shows, played for a bit, and in the later afternoon worked on a project for a bit while I did my TAing.

I suppose today wasn't too bad. For a little bit I forgot my troubles and worries and that was nice. Though with only a small bit left running out pretty quickly I can't ever really stop worrying.

Day 2439 - 3/6 - Sooooo tired

Today I am so very tired. All week I've been off on what day it was. And now that it's over it feels like it was actually 1.5 weeks instead of just one.

I guess today was ok. I did my normal stuff at school in the morning, then went to play my console game with friends. Nothing special seemed to happen today. And nothing seemed to change.

Day 2440 - 3/7 - Not a gaming night

Today has been odd. It started last night at around 2:30 AM. My tummy was grumbling and seemed upset, but it was actually so hungry that it felt like I was starving. It's odd because I'd had a normal amount of food for that day. I suppose it's just maybe the fact that my normal amount is about 2/3 what it used to be and I guess maybe that missing food caught up all at once. I had half a muffin and most of a soda and it quieted enough to finally get back to sleep.

This evening seems even stranger. When I was out getting dinner it suddenly felt like I was back in a home. And, I had friends coming over soon and we'd be having a big thing of spaghetti and garlic bread to share before doing several hours of pen and paper gaming. I'm not sure why my brain thought and felt that way. Maybe in my crazy stressed state random areas of my brain are misfiring and surged those feelings and memories.

I feel like lately I'm missing a lot of things I had or did. Even though nothing has changed really to influence me towards missing them more than usual.

Day 2441 - 3/8 - Not belonging

Today I continue to feel like I'm missing something by not playing an MMO. Looking around and not really being interested in any of the current game mechanics I wonder if it's not a system and world I actually miss, but having a regular group of people to play with and I miss the sense of belonging and purpose. Maybe my brain has been seeking it out because that can be an easy place to do that compared to finding that in real life. Unfortunately, I think the reality is that with so many games these days, and so many people in the games, it wasn't like it once was, and finding that sense of belonging would be impossible without friends already in that world.

It seems my falling out of love with MMOs and not having a place I feel I belong may have more to do with my real world life situation than not.

Day 2442 - 3/9 - No friends, yes project

Today was pretty slow. At least it felt like it moved slow. In actuality it passed much faster than I'd have liked because in the blink of an eye the morning was gone and I didn't do either of the things I wanted before it got to be noon. I rushed to finish them and got pretty far.

In the early afternoon the lab opened. I went in and worked on a project. To my surprise it got to a part I considered it basically done and had no further thoughts on what to do with it. I even had some time left over to work on the writing project I didn't finish in the morning (or over this past weekend like I wanted). That too went much faster than I originally thought and I'm basically done with it.

In the evening my friends basically didn't come on to play on the console. I played alone some since it was already set up, but left a bit early to play a different game, and then still left early to shower and go hide for the night.

While it was a sad day without friends, I helped three people when I was in the lab in the evening, and I actually finished the project I didn't think I'd get a chance to, so I guess today worked out pretty well.

Day 2443 - 3/10 - Sick, but good

Today I feel kind of sick. I'm still oddly dizzy and congested. I wonder if I ever really got over my cold from before.

It's cold again. Yesterday I wore shorts, but it looks rainy today. I'm happy I helped so many people yesterday. I like helping people with fun creative things. I wish I could do it for a job though. Even just being an official paid lab help person or TA would be nice. It seems though everything I do in my life that I've enjoyed has to be free volunteer work. I'd be happy with such a small simple life, but as we've seen lately it seems I have no choice.

Week 350

Day 2444 - 3/11 - Fast and pretty good

Today turned out pretty good. I played a bit in the morning, checked for jobs, and helped on the forums. And I even finished my homework I was going to do on the weekend, so now I have nothing really due until Tuesday.

Evening console play with friends was ok, but frustrating. Since the key person who cheats us through things wasn't there people had a very hard time trying to do the cheats. This isn't unexpected, as they aren't used to dealing with change and variance. I suppose I still had an ok time though.

My primary headphones sort of broke with less than 6 months used. They won't RMA them because they are claiming this kind of break isn't covered. So, while fully functional, one ear cup is flippy-flopping around. I've taped it up for now, but without a brace it won't stay on my head well. And, in time, I'm sure even the tape won't do much as the remaining structural integrity goes. I don't know if such a brace exists, as it needs to be slightly curved. I'll have to use my old ones for now, which aren't designed for my console nor have a working mic, but splitting my use like that will have to do.

I guess that is how my life will go though. Try and hang on but things will eventually break and not be able to be replace.

Day 2445 - 3/12 - Free dinner

Today was ok I suppose. I did my podcast work in the morning, then checked for jobs, then helped on the forums and played a bit. I only watched one show and my day felt like it passed very quickly before my TA class started.

Since I complained about the food quality at the cafeteria they gave me a $10 gift card, so dinner was free. I guess that's something, though it does look like they really need to clean out the cooking oil.

I'm worried that may be the only help I get. I asked for help on my page, but so far I haven't gotten any. And it feels like months since I last got any. Again I wonder if anyone cares. Again I wonder if anyone is really reading and asking friends for help on my behalf. I again feel like I'm disappearing from the world and noone cares or will miss me.

Day 2446 - 3/13 - Throwing up, a lot

Last night, not today, as I'm writing this the morning after, I got rally horribly sick after dinner. At first I felt super hungry, then felt super full, then both like my tummy would explode and implode at the same time. Then, over the next four hours, once an hour I threw up, like 3-5 times per session. I didn't even know I could throw up that much. As near as I can figure it was the soup I'd gotten for dinner. I got it at the food store and it's one of those self-serving bins that stays out all day. I guess I won't be eating that ever again. Even lunch meat has become questionable for me to eat.

I've been thinking I should try and eat better over these homeless times. IN a home I'd be eating way better, but here in the world I don't have such a choice. But it seems, either based on my overall age, or how long I've been eating it that I must make some changes for the better.

It's very sunny and warm. Probably 75-80F. What would otherwise have been a great weekend is now ruined by unsure queasiness and chilled feeling skin.

Day 2447 - 3/14 - Slightly better

Today I feel slightly better. I napped in the later morning for a bit. That helped. It took all day to eat my lunch though. I would eat 2-3 grapes, and a chip or two, then stop for half an hour. In the evening I got a smaller meal and ate at normal speed, though it feels a bit icky in my tummy. No sick icky, just that it wasn't great food. But I didn't want to spend money on anything fancy-ish, I just stuck to something kind of basic and safe.

I'm feeling a bit better now that it's evening. In the morning for the longest time I still felt bad. I had an icky tummy and chilled skin for most of the day.

Hopefully I'll be better tomorrow, but times like this remind me just how abnormal my life is.

Day 2448 - 3/15 - Beat up bits

Today some of my parts feel beat up. My lungs and tummy muscles feel like I've been beat up. It will likely take a while to fully recover from all the throwing up I did on Friday night. I'm starting to feel better everywhere else though. My appetite is returning to normal, and I'm feeling less feverish. Although my skin still feels a bit chilled and zombish in that it's cold and doesn't seem to be responding to, or holding, temperatures correctly.

I guess it was an ok day though. I played for a bit in the morning, and in the afternoon and evening I hung out at school and watched shows. Today was peaceful and as quiet as it could be for a homeless life, but it would have been infinitely better if I weren't homeless.

Day 2449 - 3/16 - Sicker, resting, recovering

Today I was way sicker than I have been. Last night I again got abdominal pain around 10, an as that increased I had more fever and chills. But, unlike previous days, it didn't subside by the morning. I grabbed some antacid to take and when I got to school I slept more in my car. I think I didn't get up until 12:30. The pain and fever still hadn't fully subsided and it wasn't until nearly 3:30 that it actually started to. All my time at school I was laying in my spot instead of sitting, so by about 5 I felt good enough to sit up and went into the lab shortly after.

I am recovering a bit now in the evening. Hopefully I can stay better tonight instead of having yet another night of fever and chills.

Day 2450 - 3/17 - Feeling much better

Today I am feeling so much better. I got a regular night's sleep. There were no tummy cramps, no fever, and no chills. I slept relatively undisturbed by stress and even was so rested I woke up a few minutes before my alarm. I decided to immediately get up and jump into the shower before starting my day, as I felt too sick to take one yesterday.

It will possibly be a while before I'm fully better, possibly even weeks to fully rebalance my tummy completely. But I still worry for how long. With somewhere around $75 left that is gone the instant I need to pay for my phone bill and fill up my car, leaving me with only a few weeks before those happen and I'm completely out of money with no help in sight. I keep hoping you readers, or other rabb1t friends, and maybe strangers will help and pass the message on that I need help, but I continue to not receive any help.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2015
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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