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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 7: Dying embers

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 353

Day 2465 - 4/1 - Hot shower, open mouth

Today was ok I suppose. In the morning I did my laundry and my podcast for the week. After, I hung out at the coffee shop and helped on forums and checked for jobs. I only had a few hours before it was time to head out. I got a shower at school, which was actually hot after a short while. While I did that I discovered my jaw was opening all the way, so I got to brush my teeth without suffering any pain. I also ate dinner normally, though overall I'm still eating less than when I had that terrible throwing up incident.

In the evening I played my console game. Friends were on but they basically did stuff without me. I guess there wasn't room. Which was sad, but fine. I don't enjoy repeatedly doing the same thing over and over and over, particularly if we are failing at it. Plus, with my homeless life I expect I'll miss out on a lot of gaming things.

What would normally be a happy day was again dragged down by my sad homeless life. In vacation times, and with bunny day coming up, things are extra sad for me.

Day 2466 - 4/2 - Horrible relapse

Today was pretty terrible. I've been feeling fine, so I've been back to my old eating habits. But that was a huge mistake today. About an hour or so after I had lunch I started feeling bad. I left the coffee shop to go be in my car and I threw up. I rested a while, then went back in. Again I didn't feel good, went out, and threw up. I thought that was it. I went back in a third time, and again came back out a third time and threw up. A lot. So, I gathered my stuff and left to go rest at school. Again I threw up more, then rested in my car. I again got fever, chills, pain at the top of my tummy, and pain in my back. After four hours of rest I didn't feel much better, but night was rapidly approaching. I went to the store and grabbed some sport drinks, threw away what I had for lunch which was also to be for dinner, and then settled in here at my night spot as quick as I could. Even now I still feel very cold and my tummy is not happy.

It seems I must completely change my diet if I ever expect to recover fully. Hopefully I can with my homeless limitations.

Day 2467 - 4/3 - Maybe too much

Today was quiet and sad. I spent it at the coffee shop trying to rest and recover. Thankfully it's the last day of that. Tomorrow things will pretty much return to normal. At least I hope they will.

Tonight I may have gotten too much food. In cost it certainly was. I went to the healthy food store to get some healthier stuff. I figure fast food or really cheap prepared food is too great a risk. But I over bought and spent 2-3 times what I should have for a single meal. Maybe I'll eat it all, maybe not. Part of me hopes I do, as that would be an indication I'm recovering and regaining foods I need to replenish what I've lost lately. Part of me hopes I save some for tomorrow, because that's how much I have to worry about spending $4 more than I should on dinner.

I am also very sad because we are one day closer to bunny day, and this year I won't be a bunny to anyone. Not even myself. And that makes me the most sad of all.

Day 2468 - 4/4 - Burpy day

Today turned out mostly pretty good. In the morning I played my console game with friends, which was unexpected. Usually noone is on in the morning on weekends. I had a nice time with friends.

I was feeling sort of better from my cold. I'm still odd feeling. Today my temperature feels a bit off and my tummy is sensitive, and my ears still haven't stopped ringing. I had to eat fast food today... well, I didn't have to, but I am still very fearful of lunchmeats since they seem to easily throw me off lately. The fast food is at least cooked. After both lunch and dinner I was super burpy. I didn't feel sick, just my tummy wasn't very happy, so I burped a lot.

I was very sad today though. When I was playing with friends I thought I should get myself a very small Easter candy. Something, so I don't have nothing in the morning. But then I left the store and forgot. While I'm sure there will still be stuff there in the morning when I go back, just the thought of nothing makes me feel like crying. But it's not really the lack of candy and presents so much as the lack of a home to be in during my favorite holiday. Bunny day is about surprises. It's about caring for and thinking about others. It's about being open to the possibility of what could be in the future, and being open to new experiences. But without friends I hang out with, without a sweetie, and without a home, I can have none of those things. Even if I got myself something it would need to be put away in storage for later, a memory of what I may be in a home in the future along with everything else. But today there is little of me left. Reflections of what was. Potential of what may someday be again. Stripped to my core there isn't much left. Just a few dying embers in a fire that's long since gone out.

Day 2469 - 4/5 - The saddest bunny day

Today is the saddest bunny day. It started at the food store playing my console game alone. I didn't expect anyone to show up, so that wasn't a surprise. I decided to check for candies to get and I got a small chocolate bunny. (They didn't have my favorite chocolate marshmallow bunnies.) Seeing it there, not much bigger than the palm of my hand, the only candy, not in a basket, no toys with it; felt very sad. I shed a tear at how lonely and small I felt.

Later in the day I went to school to hang out outside. It was cold today. And it rained in the afternoon. But saddest of all someone I knew posted she found a dead bunny under her car. The bunny had been hurt in a fight and died cold and alone. I cried a little bit. And later too when someone else posted to the picture and I saw it again I cried a little again. It makes me so sad that happened to that bunny. Especially today even though today is just another day to that bunny.

I guess today I just felt a lot like that bunny.

A very sad bunny day.
1600 x 900

Day 2470 - 4/6 - Feels...

Today felt sad and lonely. It was the first day of the new semester, so I got to sit in my spot. Nothing seemed unusual. A few said hi, as I kind of expected. But most passed me by and ignored me, also as I expected. It was quiet and peaceful, which was good. But being that I had no classes and no real reason to be there it felt sad. And, it made me feel at home, and yet out of place at the same time.

It was cold today. It has been colder than just a week or two ago, but I felt genuinely cold. The temperature on the hall thing said 72F, but it felt much closer to 62F. Maybe I'm still sick. Maybe I was just so lonely and out of place there was no spark in me.

I found a new show. New to me anyways. I guess it's almost four years old. It's about a vampire, werewolf, and ghost who live together. It's different. They are lonely and sad and trying to get a normal life back. In a way that's how I feel - like a lonely monster just trying to have a normal life.

Day 2471 - 4/7 - Feeling confused

Today I feel confused. Maybe I'm still a bit sick. I'm congested, sniffly, feel like I'm going to sneeze, and confused feeling. I'm not really sure why. Maybe part of it is I forgot to enter Epic Fail yesterday, so now my 'schedule' for the day will be thrown off.

I think more it's just the longer that I'm out of a home the more I feel like I'm losing me. Things I used to do, at the times I did them is lost. I need to do different things, in different ways. And the more things change, even little things like needing to buy all my food at the store and microwaving it, makes me feel like a completely different person. And I am not choosing to become that person because I'm not choosing those things.

Week 354

Day 2472 - 4/8 - Feeling weird and sad

Today I'm feeling a bit weird and sad. Yesterday and today a few seemed to think my playing my console at school was weird. While it is, being reminded of that made me very sad. It's a much safer and better choice than the food store, and even if I went to the food store I still get a lot of 'looks'. Certainly more than at school. I wish I had better options, but at least I can have this. And that is something.

Today was the first day of the new semester for the class I'm TAing for. People seemed grumpy before class, a lot of tired and blank stares instead of being chit chatty or curious looks. But I think the class itself went ok. I had a pretty good time, and made some helpful points for emphasis. At least I felt helpful, and that is something.

Day 2473 - 4/9 - Clean appointment

Today was ok. It seemed kind of long and slow in the middle, but the morning and evening passed quickly.

I had my appointment to check things in the morning. As implied by the health center not contacting me yet, everything was fine. The doctor person did say she wanted me to stop having soda completely because I'm borderline pre-diabetic though. While I certainly agree with her for health reasons it's incredibly difficult for me to do since so much of my control with food is lost. It's like this is the one nice food thing I can hold on to, at least for now. In a home making a nice healthy dinner and not having soda isn't really a problem. I get lots of nice tastes from the food. But, with what I'm limited to... so much of it is just so bland and depressnig that the thought of no foods giving me pleasure eating them is really extra depressing.

In the evening I had my first meeting of the class I'm taking. It's an advanced class, so that, combined with my being a TA for the basic class, meant I knew about 90% of the people in the class (or at least had met them a few times through others.) It was kind of odd. It was pretty fun, though as per all group based classes with projects I'm concerned others in my group won't come through on their end. I guess we'll see though. Hopefully it will be fun. It goes so late though. It's an hour later than the other classes. While I don't have a home to go to after, it keeps my brain and body active several hours past when I'd rather be in a quiet restful state. Sadly so much of my life remains out of my control.

Day 2474 - 4/10 - Another new show

Today I get to start watching another new show. This one is actually new. It's pretty awesome, so that's happy. That was really the high point of my day. The rest was fairly regular, though hardly anyone was around at school, so I didn't really say hi to anyone or anything. I was basically alone.

In the evening when I was on my console noone really was doing anything. A few were on doing some things, but noone said hi or invited me to group, so I played alone. Which is lame because I'd have rather played other things or watched shows if I knew people weren't going to want/need me for a group.

The very beautiful too young for me girl was in the store today. She waved hi. I was going to say something about how her hair is shorter, or how she had her wrist in a brace, or how I was worried because I haven't seen her in probably a month. But she zipped off. I saw her at the store next door as I drove off at the end of the night, so maybe she was too rushed to say hi and stuff. In a way it's probably for the best because she is so much younger. But too it's nice to know at least some girls are out there who will at least say hi to me.

Day 2475 - 4/11 - Different, but not

Today was different, but not. I decided not to play on my console in the morning. I peeked on the phone app before going over and noticed only a couple of people were on who I don't normally group with. I figured I'd just leave the system safe in storage. I worry that taking it out and going back and forth will strain / break it, so lately I've been feeling less and less like doing it because of that fear.

In the afternoon I went to my school spot to chill outside. I was going to play a bit, but there really wasn't a strong enough signal. I can always watch shows though, as those buffer and a questionable signal isn't as much trouble.

So today was different, but not. It was a very warm and nice day. In a home it would have been very enjoyable and I'd have likely cooked a healthy dinner and watched a movie, as I tended to do. And with the warm weather I may have stayed up a bit later and played for a bit after. Sadly without a home that isn't an option. But for some reason, while my sad things are never completely gone, I feel slightly less sad today. And what I am missing doesn't seem to bother me as much. At least for the moment.

Day 2476 - 4/12 - Sharing with ants

Today was fairly peaceful. In the morning I played on my laptop. There was only like one person on the console game when I looked at my app, so I decided to pass and leave it in storage. If noone is around all I really can do is 'grind dailies', so that's pretty boring.

The afternoon was basically the same as always. I went to hang out at school. Lately there have been some ants visiting me. I shared some crumbs from my lunch with them. In part because they are tiny and cute and deserve life as much as anything else, but also to keep them away from my laptop (where one had climbed on and into the keyboard, but came right back out) but also to keep them away from me. I'm so big and they are so tiny I feared hurting or killing any of them on accident. I didn't notice at first, but later I found where they were coming from. I moved my snacks I shared to there and they happily swept them off to their home.

I guess all in all today wasn't too bad. But still, all my sad worries remain, especially money since I'm almost completely out again.

Day 2477 - 4/13 - Feeling tired

Today was ok I guess. In the morning I called the unemployment place and got directions for appealing not getting an extension. I guess I should have done that months ago, but I figured since the website said to look to the physical mailing, and the mailing said I didn't qualify, I just accepted that. It's a whole big slow by mail process, so if I even hear back at all it may be a while.

I felt tired today. I guess sad, sure. Monday is one of the few days at school I really have no reason to be there, but I don't really have anywhere else to be. And even though there are only a few who need help this early in the semester, I do like to be around to help if I can.

But I don't think I'm more sad than usual. I guess just the normal level of sad. It seems like everything that may happen seems pretty sad now. Being unbothered at school to have private time seems sad and lonely. If I get a new job that has enough hours and pays enough to have a home takes me away from school and being a TA, and that seems sad. Winning millions in the lottery and moving to a nice home somewhere warmer also takes me from school and being a TA, which seems sad. And, even though money would not be a concern, what then? Doing my gaming stuff seems lonely now because so many others do it and noone has any reason to care about me. The only outcome for my life which doesn't seem sad is winning lottery money and staying local to continue my being a TA. But, of course, limiting it to a few days, and taking days, like today, where there is little to no reason to be on campus, and not be on campus. But, while that seems the best outcome, I think due to my age it would rapidly seem awkward having still no friends 'my age', or a sweetie, and on those days not on campus I'd be alone in a home.

I hope someday I can find friends I genuinely want around me, and who genuinely want and appreciate me around them and my sads are lessened, or go away. But the longer those seem to not be, the more it seems this is the way it will always be.

Day 2478 - 4/14 - Maybe more TA

Today I'm congested and sneezing a bit. I was super stressed out last night about being out of cash again and had a very hard time getting to sleep.

I've been very sad about life lately and I think tonight I'll see if the nice professor still wants me to TA for the editing class that happens tonight. I originally thought I'd want the night to play my console game with friends, as things reset for the week tonight, but two weeks ago they argued a lot, and last week they didn't have room for me most of the time. So I'd be a lot happier helping another class by being a TA for it.

I guess things are ok though. I'm super worried about money. I am still adjusting my diet from being so sick. And my homeless sads are rarely far from my mind.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2015
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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