PC talk system recommendations blog Facebook YouTube articles and guides links bio
game screensots rabb1t's ramblings podcast email
Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 7: Dying embers

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 355

Day 2479 - 4/15 - Ok day

Today was an ok day. The morning went by very quickly and before I knew it, it was time to eat and just about time for my TAing class and I hadn't helped on forums or watched any shows yet. I had spent the morning getting my podcast ready and done.

The afternoon passed pretty quickly too. I had my class I TA for and even though it's still mostly in the lecture phase, not the fun production phase, it was still pretty fun.

The evening was ok too. I played on my console in the lab. I was the only one in there most of the night so it was quiet, private, and passed quickly.

All day I've seemed kind of out of it though. I'm not really sure why. It's almost like my day should have been very different and was turned upside-down. I suppose, all in all, outside of my increasing panic over not having any money, and my increasing sad feelings about my life, I guess today was ok.

Day 2480 - 4/16 - Not picked

Today seemed a bit sad. It did start out ok though. I did my normal morning stuff of job and news checking. Then I watched a few shows. Then played some games.

In the late afternoon / early evening my group showed up for class early to try and shoot the stuff for a project. The person doing the shooting was kind of freaking out, but I guess that worked in our favor, as we finished with just a little time to spare.

As the end of class though the nice professor was talking about us needing to set up our groups for the final project (which isn't due for a few months.) Noone asked me to be in any of their groups though. It made me sad. While there are a few people I would prefer not to work with, it made me extra sad that noone was jumping up and down for me to be in their group. I guess though it's to be expected. As I've said, they are all half my age, so it's kind of not a surprise. And in some ways it would be kind of odd if someone did. But it still makes me feel like I'm missing out. Not just because I wasn't picked, but because they are all young, they are all friendly and in groups, and seeing that reminds me of good times I missed out on when I was that age -- The friendships that might have developed.

It's nice to be valued when I'm doing my TA stuff. But as a student equal with others I often feel apart, alone, and discarded. And I wonder; if no friendships or bonds are being formed, what am I really gaining? Yes, it adds up to a degree, eventually, but as I've found, particularly during these homeless years, overall education seems the least valuable resource for having friends, connections, and steady work you truly enjoy.

Day 2481 - 4/17 - Noone there

Today was odd. There were teacher meetings, so basically al the Friday classes were canceled in my department. I don't have any, nor am I TAing any, but it was odd to see hardly any students about, even for a Friday.

I guess the day was ok. I did my regular stuff in the morning, did some stuff for the video project for class, then played and watched shows. In the evening noone was around, so I just did some quick stuff and left early.

As the weather warms I miss a home more and more. Today was the kind of day I may have decided to have an impromptu BBQ and invite my 4-6 close friends over for playing games and celebrating the warm day and the end of the week. But I have no home. And I have no offline friends, let alone ones I play games with.

Until I do the best I can hope for is a fun virtual world to escape to and donations to help me get through the few bills I have and keep my things I like to do going. Until, hopefully, someday, when I can recover at least some of what I've lost and miss.

Day 2482 - 4/18 - In another world

Today was ok, but kind of sad. For a brief portion I looked for jobs, helped on the forums, and looked for sounds for the class project. But I spent the majority of it hiding in another world. I am playing on a free weekend pass for a game I did beta for just about a year ago. While it seemed just meh and overpriced back then, now with no monthly subscription, and my life being a bit different, I'm seeing it in a bit of a different light. Now, I would like to stay when my free time is up. I would welcome a single player game which has some MMO components. That's actually basically what the console game I'm playing is, and the one I have a weekend pass for has quite a lot more content. I wouldn't stop playing my other games, this would just be something else nice I could play from time to time.

Normally I wouldn't have spent so much time in there in a single day. I probably spent somewhere between 6-8 hours in there. But I was too sad to be in the real world. Here I have constant worry about not having money. And how I am back down to not enough to pay for my phone and gas in the coming week or so constantly stresses me out. And I can't really ask people again like I did a month ago, because those who helped did help, and those who didn't likely didn't for a reason and wouldn't even if I did ask again. Times in the real world are getting more and more dire and more and more stressful. And as time goes on it seems my options are fewer and fewer if I want to hang on to what I have left and what really matters to me.

Day 2483 - 4/19 - Clean

Today I have clean laundry. It's an odd thing to say. It's so common a thing, yet for me it's a dwindling resource, not a replenishing one. I can't remember the last time I washed things, probably two weeks, but maybe three. It's cash, like the phone bill and gas, so I can't afford it as often as I used to. For probably four months now or more I've had to reduce how often I do it.

And today... today I fear may be the last of it. I have no money for phone or gas, which puts laundry completely out of the question. With seemingly no new donations or help coming I don't know how much longer I can hang on. The phone bill is due in a week, and while I won't be punished for a while if I'm late, not enough to pay for the bill is not enough.

Hopefully help will come. Or my sad story may come to a very sudden and bad end.

Day 2484 - 4/20 - Very stressed

Today passed extremely quickly. I had a bit of time in the morning. I helped on forums. I looked for jobs. I played for a very short while. Then I had time to watch a show.

After that the lab was open and I basically spent the next several hours editing my class project for Thursday. It's pretty good, but I'm hoping to have the time to tweak a few things tomorrow before I call it finished. I love editing, and the time always flies by when I do it.

I'm getting very stressed out about no money. I need to get some small amount of gas very soon, and after just that small amount I'll only have about $15 left in my account - an amount considerably below what I need to pay for the phone bill which is due in a few days. I don't need much though, about $40 would get me enough to feel safe. Though if anything hit my account I wouldn't have enough in there to protect it. Though I checked and the only two things which could have already recently hit, so I'm safe from them for a while.

But the stress of no money and no known help coming is really getting to me. My back is starting to hurt most of the time, and many nights lately I've lost about half the sleep I could have gotten.

I hope help comes soon. If anyone is reading while this is new, please consider helping, even just a little would be extremely helpful.

Day 2485 - 4/21 - Cans everywhere

Today I feel sad. I feel like a garbage collector again. I don't like to go to the store every weekday to get food, so I've started getting canned food so I can just microwave that and not need to get a frozen somethings every morning. It makes me feel like I'm storing junk, or like I'm a survivalist taking it to the woods or a bomb shelter.

This week ends on a sad note. There have still been no new donations or help in a while and I don't have money to pay for the phone bill and barely have anything for gas. I've never understood why I wasn't one of the popular people everyone flocked to when they needed helping (outside of not being considered mainstream good looking). So all I can do is hope that some do, and that in the next few days I can have the help I need to survive and eek by yet another month's bills.

Week 356

Day 2486 - 4/22 - Feeling alone

Today I feel very alone. I put out another plea on the social networking site, and sent a few private messages. Noone helped. Only one even replied that he couldn't help. Not receiving help, nor even really messages of encouragement, makes me feel very alone. While I admit I am not willing to let go of certain things because doing so would feel like I am giving up on all that is me and my hopes and dreams, no help makes me feel like noone believes in me. It makes me feel like noone values or trusts me as a person. So many now are taking their projects to Kickstarter. I see myself in a similar light since I'm primarily an entertainer and news resource. Donations helps me continue and manage as best as I can and is an investment in me. It would be like people are backing me and want to see me succeed and see what I can do in the future.

But there have been no donations since my last big plea a month ago. And in these nearly full seven years there has never been anyone who sent regular support. And even when I had enough to get by and just asked for encouragement people didn't really reply then.

Maybe I am truly alone. Maybe now there aren't people following my story or downloading my podcast. Maybe people didn't actually care to look at my stuff.

Today I feel truly alone. It seems no help is coming, nor that I should expect any. I feel like I will disappear and noone will care. If noone shares my interests, my views, my hopes and dreams, and people really aren't looking at my things, maybe then I really am truly alone.

Day 2487 - 4/23 - Funny class

Today went pretty quickly. In the morning I edited my podcast, checked for jobs, helped on the forums, and watched a few shows. In the afternoon I did some major final tweaks to my class project. In the evening we showed those in class. The people are pretty funny and all had a good time with it.

Things still seemed really sad. Noone came rushing up to talk to me during the breaks when everyone was standing around chatting. And again noone asked me to be in their group, so I still stand alone.

I am still alone in regular life stuff too. There are still no donations or help, and today my phone bill is officially due and unpaid. There probably won't be any punishment on that for a while, but with no help as of yet since last month, it seems very unlikely any help is coming. Every day I get more and more stressed and lose more and more sleep over what the future does not hold for me.

Day 2488 - 4/24 - Stressed

Today was ok. I don't remember much. I think I mostly did my normal stuff until the later afternoon when I worked on a school project, then tried to play my console game. The connection at the food store was dead, so I left and went back to school. I guess it wound up being a good thing, as I discovered the cafeteria area had a small area open. I left pretty late, so I'll just go there Friday nights to play for now on since it has a microwave, is much safer, and has a stronger connection than the food store. Leaving my only days at the food store as the Saturdays and Sundays I decide to go. (At least until school is closed for that month in summer.)

All this micro food is messing me up though. I think I'm losing weight and stuff goes through me pretty quick. I'm getting even more destroyed physically than I was previously.

I'm also losing a lot of sleep lately due to stress. And recently, I think I first noticed back on Wednesday, my right shoulder feels weak. Like it's sprained from stress.

I'm doing less and less well physically as time goes on and my life remains limited. Today things were worsened by my phone bill now officially being overdue.

Day 2489 - 4/25 - Odd day

Today was pretty odd. I spent the morning at the food store, as usual, but since there was no connection it was odd. I had a coupon for a free movie rental at the box, so that's basically what I did. I got a longer one, so that took up most of my time.

After, I killed an hour outside of my school spot and waited for the sun to pass. It seemed like I wasted my time though because the signal was too weak to do anything. I had to move to the other side of campus. I suppose that was for the best. When I was leaving I saw people at the theater, so I would have had to leave that spot anyways.

I guess it was a fairly normal day. Though, I didn't play my console game in the morning and I barely played other games. I am kind of not really feeling like playing much lately. Mostly that's due to my extreme depression about having no money to pay for anything and it seems hardly anyone cares. And also in small part I guess it's because I miss the game I got to play for free last weekend. It was kind of exactly the kind of online game I'm looking for these days, so it's very sad I can't play.

I feel isolated from everything lately. And again I feel I am floating down a river to who knows where with noone around, and noone coming to rescue me.

Day 2490 - 4/26 - Accidental wheat

Today was ok, I suppose. Again there was no signal in the morning at the food store. I still had another free movie coupon, so I again rented something from the rental box. I guess I was lucky to find the guy there that day and be given some. I would have to wait months to see these otherwise. And with needing to cancel my Netflix subscription very soon if I don't get any donations, it could be a very very long time before I saw any movies.

In the morning when I got lunch I thought my bread looked a bit over baked. It was not the normal white, but a light brown. I didn't see any others, most bins were empty, so I didn't think too much of it. It turns out when I opened it at lunch that they were wheat. My doctor person wants me to do wheat instead of white, so I decided to try it. As usual it tasted meh. I've certainly had worse wheat bread, but I gave half my dinner roll to the birds and squirrels. I'd had plenty of it by then, and the whole roll was only 30 cents.

With no donations and nowhere I belonged today felt like another sad day. I wonder if I will ever find a place I truly belong. I suppose I've never really had such a place, or friends like I've seen in the movies and shows. And those must exist, or they wouldn't be such common themes. But I don't know if I can ever say I've really had them. Certainly never for very long if I did, and I begin to wonder if I ever will.

Day 2491 - 4/27 - Everything is hurting and broken

Today it feels like everything is a reminder of hurting. My body has nicks, cuts, and scratches almost everywhere. Even raised red irritation in some places that it would otherwise seem clear. Brushing my teeth in the shower seems only a reminder of just how broken they are. And the shower itself, in a public place, out of my control, is a reminder of how broken my routine is from before. Planning meals is no longer pleasurable, but a distillation of what is least likely to fly through me, and what can prevent the most back and forth to the microwave. My laptop, while still fairly new, is dirty, has stains, and a minor faint bzzzt every hour or two, reminding me it's only a matter of time. Even the binder's spine I keep Epic Fail in has broken and flops loosely when I open it, like a dead body rolling down a hill.

This journey that started so long ago as hopeful, and feeling like I was free to restart in so many ways, has turned to fear and dread. Now, it feels like I am coming to an end. Not of the journey, but of me. There is no real money left. My phone bill is overdue, which I need in order to contact job people. My gas is almost gone, which I need to keep my car, for work, for sleeping, and for simple things like holding food.

Still no new help has come. I continue to lose sleep. I worry and fear what will become of me more and more. If as few as seven people just sent as little as $10 a month I'd have enough to cover phone and gas and try to hang on. And while the bigger hurdle of rare bigger bills would still loom, at least I would know a few out there cared and do not want to see me disappear and do believe that someday I can make it back.

I have asked for help in the past and it has come. But none comes now, and I feel like what is left is rapidly crumbling around me. And although I may survive the loss of what little is left physically, emotionally I feel like I am slowly turning to ash and disappearing with the wind.

Day 2492 - 4/28 - Feels like rushing to the end

Today feels like my life is rushing to an end. I am overdue on a bill. I barely have any gas. And although it would take very little to help save me for the month, it seems like noone is interested or cares to do so. With no help, it feels like I will rapidly lose what's left. Maybe not in the span of this next week before the readers I do have read about it, but it is very possible. And if not before my next post, very close to it.

I would ask again for help, but it seems I am on my own and no help is coming. And that is a very lonely and sad feeling.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2015
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

flash required for the logo
best viewed at 1280 wide resolution or higher