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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 7: Dying embers

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.


Week 347

Day 2423 - 2/18 - Still so sick

Today I am still so very sick. Now, in the late evening I'm feeling a bit better, but most of today my flesh had that hot/cold chilly thing. I was sneezing, my eyes were ringing, and I was a touch dizzy to the point that even some shows kind of affected me. I barely ate. I think I ate about 35% of normal, and the lunchmeat I got smelt like feet. (Though there is always the chance 'fresh' store bought lunchmeat isn't as fresh as it should be.)

Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow. I can again spend most of the day in my school spot not moving, so that's something at least. School is warm, and mostly quiet, so it's about as peaceful of a recovery environment as I can hope for while homeless.

Day 2424 - 2/19 - Hungry

Today I am hungry. I think I am starting to feel a bit better. I still feel pretty bad, particularly in the morning, but in the later afternoon I started feeling a little better and got very hungry. I had a more normal amount of food in the evening and had about 2/3 of a normal sized lunch.

I felt dizzy and still had a bit of the hot/cold feeling earlier in the day and I don't really remember much before noon. I think I did a fairly normal day.

The evening passed pretty quickly since I had the class I TA for, and I helped someone a fair bit from the class I'm in in the evening.

I feel sad though. Maybe it's because I'm getting healthy again, or maybe just because things aren't changing, yet time moves on without me. Though I don't talk to people much, I constantly see them living their lives around me. People are talking about things changing. People are saying what they will or won't do in the future. Yet I don't change. I don't have an opportunity to change. Of course, some things I don't want to change. I want to have time to play my games. I like helping on the forums. I like doing my site and podcast. But I wonder if I were to suddenly have plenty of money, what would I really want to change, and what would need to change that I may actually regret or feel sad for that change.

Day 2425 - 2/20 - Still sick

Today I'm still very sick. I don't really feel that bad, but my ears hurt and are ringing, my eyes hurt, and I'm still congested and sneezing. And my skin still feels weird - be that hot or cold depending on the time. I also have odd hunger. One second I'm starving, the next I don't want to eat anything all day.

I guess it was an ok time at school. I hardly played during or after with console friends. Really I just wished I was in a home so I could like down and maybe nap.

Day 2426 - 2/21 - Can't see

Today I'm still feeling pretty sick. I still have that hot/cold feeling, lots of ear ringing, and some sneezing. Though my appetite seems to be stabilizing a bit. My throat has been absolutely destroyed as well. It feels like I was at a concert yelling. I didn't play much today because I'm still a bit dizzy all the time, but I did mostly do some class homework, so I don't have to worry about that. When I left my hanging out spot at school I seemed to be blind. Not completely blind, but everything was blurry. It's odd because I put in new contacts this morning. I guess it was just from a day of looking at close up screens.

It was a touch warmer today, and when I had left the food store some people were wearing shorts and T-shirts. I saw a ridiculously beautiful blonde girl probably in her early 20s out with her friend and, I'd assume their boyfriends. It made me sad though. I've been single for so long. And my time to find beautiful girls like that seems to have passed. While girls that beautiful who are older aren't impossible to find, it's been so long since anyone has even glanced my way I wonder if I will ever meet anyone. I wonder if I will even be a guy out with his girlfriend and friends on a warm spring day ever again. Even if I were to win the lottery tonight and able to buy a nice home, fix the few physical things I can, lose these like extra 40-50 pounds, I still wouldn't be likely to interact with single girls, young or old, particularly if I moved somewhere warmer and stopped going to college for classes.

My mind still wants to do things I did in my early 20s, and it may always think like that. But I may have missed my chance to find anyone like me. My dreams of a happy life may forever remain just dreams.

Day 2427 - 2/22 - Still feel sick

Today was ok I guess. I don't really remember it. I did my console play in the morning for a few hours. Noone was really around though, so I was alone. After, I went over to hang out outside on campus. It was chilly, but quiet and calm. I helped on forums, but Sundays it's really dead, so mostly I just watched some shows.

I still feel pretty sick. My ears are still ringing. My eyes are warm and kinda hurt. I'm still sneezing on occasion. My throat is still bad, but not as bad as yesterday. And my skin still has a bit of the hot/cold going on. I feel pretty icky lately and really wish I had a nice home and bed to snuggle in to, a shower to shower in on those times I feel a bit better, and a stove to cook soup on. It's tough to feel better when so much is missing in my life.

Day 2428 - 2/23 - Sick and tired

Today I am sick and tired. My hot/cold skin finally seems almost totally gone. My sneezing is very rare. But, I still kind of feel like I have a fever. And my ears are hurting and my eyes are hurting. And today I had a headache so bad most of the day my tummy felt queasy. I hardly played my games at all. I just didn't feel like playing. In fact, I didn't play all day, and when I got my console I barely played for two hours before I stopped. (About half what I normally play.)

If I were in a home I'm sure my day would have gone better and I would have recovered much more. I probably would have played quite a bit more and I'd have been motivated and finally updated my web site I've been meaning to do for a few months now.

Usually when I start feeling better and my senses return to normal everything around me seems sharp and clear. But since I'm homeless there is nothing. And with that nothing I am left wondering if there ever will be.

Day 2429 - 2/24 - Lack of a future

Today I am feeling a bit better physically, but very sad emotionally. I think, in addition to normal feelings about getting better and recovering, the warm weather meaning that spring is coming, which means summer is coming, which means the end of the fail year is coming, has all got me more depressed than usual. I didn't think it would be seven months, let alone seven years. And while it is a testament to my survivability and perseverance, it makes me wonder. Noone is helping me who is truly in a position to help. Noone, save for a few, really seem concerned or care. And I wonder why that is. Is it that there is this unexplained something which keeps people away? I consider things like my most recent stats report for my site and see it is basically no higher than when I started around 10 years ago. Why is that? Though it's not always been more than a place for research, in recent years it's been more general news and opinions. But still, there are no new visitors. And my Facebook page hasn't really grown in years. Do people not care? Every time I've reached out for help or asked for some kind of sign I have either gotten very few, or like in recent times, no response at all.

I can't help but wonder; am I really alone? Or are those who do care and do follow me all just as bad off? But with the evidence I have, it seems more that people just don't bother to give me a look at all.

Week 348

Day 2430 - 2/25 - Missed shower

Today I missed my shower window. I am still feeling a touch icky, so I didn't want to go to the cold, noisy, people constantly moving place to play. I took my console with me to school, which meant I would shower after play time instead of before. Apparently the shower area closed an hour earlier than I expected, so I missed my shower. It's ok though. With school still open I can shower in the morning if I really need to and get my main shower Friday.

I didn't do much today. I didn't really play at all during my pre-console time. I just helped on forums for a bit, then started the very long process of updating my site, which has needed it for a few months now, particularly the end of the year full check.

I was pretty sad today. But there wasn't anything new to be extra sad about, and I am feeling a bit better from my cold. So that was something I suppose.

Day 2431 - 2/26 - Fast day

Today passed pretty quickly. I suppose it felt quick because I kind of had stuff to keep me busy. I suppose it's a good thing, as it takes my mind off sad things. But I have no home to go to, no bed to flop in to let things slow down before sleep. It leaves me feeling like I'm still running even after I've long since stopped.

Day 2432 - 2/27 - Live long, and prosper

Today was pretty sad. Early in the morning there was news of one of my favorite actors, who's character was one of those who were somewhat of a father figure to me when growing up, had passed. I guess it's not a shock, as he went in to the hospital on Wednesday with chest pain a few days ago. And, he did have a very long life dying at 83. But still, it saddens me. Even though his character will live on afterwards, as he always was to me, it still seems sad the person behind the character is gone.

I guess other than that today was ok. I updated my website finally. I've been needing to do that since the year started. And I got to watch a few shows, then played on my console game with friends. So, I suppose outside of the very sad news, my life wasn't any more sad than usual.

Day 2433 - 2/28 - Too big

Today was a bit different. It's been a bit rainy today, so after my normal console play it was too chilly to hang out outside of school. I went to the coffee shop. I'd forgotten how completely horrible the connection is there. I spent my time there mostly watching shows because other things would disconnect since they didn't buffer.

In the evening I went to the event thing at the Internet cafe which is just a few miles from where I normally hang out. It was a free event, so it didn't cost me anything really. It was ok. There were only a few people there and they basically played stuff I wasn't interested in. There were two super cute girls there, so that was nice and unexpected. But neither talked to me at all, which wasn't surprising. I talked a bit with one of the coordinators on my way out. They are going to do it once a month, so if it continues in the future I may go again. (Though I don't see how they'll manage. They just seemed like two regular guys and they must have dropped $250-300 on that one small event.)

So while I doubt anything will come of it, I saw some people at a thing today, and it was a bit different than usual.

Day 2434 - 3/1 - Shifted several hours

Today was shifted around. In the morning when I set up my console I found I couldn't log on. I guess it wasn't a total surprise, as the connection dropped me several times yesterday. Playing my console outside of school is uncomfortable, so I just packed up and moved on to the next thing. I guess that wasn't exactly terrible, but my entire day was shifted by several hours.

When I got to my outside of school spot things were nice and warm. I was planning to do my homework not too long after lunch. However, by the time that came to potentially be, things were already getting very shaded and the day rapidly turned chilly. I could no longer think clearly and decided I wouldn't even be able to stay as long as I'd originally planned.

Today was all jumbled, and outside of laundry, nothing I had originally planned for today was accomplished.

I sadly think back to what my day would have been in a home. I'd have showered, washed my cloths and bed sheets, done my homework while that was going, played games in the afternoon, cooked a nice meal and maybe watched a movie in the evening, and snuggled in to bed at night in fresh bed sheets, possibly even still a touch warm from the dryer. These simple things seem so long ago now; a distant memory I may never get to live again.

Day 2435 - 3/2 - Hidden rain

Today was ok I suppose. My professor not only showed up today (which she never does). But she let me in the lab two hours earlier than I otherwise would have gotten in. Though I quickly jumped on a system to work on a project due in a few weeks, I kind of lost interest after less than an hour. I really dislike the program we are forced to use and in that hour I discovered nothing about how to do the effects I was thinking of, whereas with the program I like I could have added the effects to the entire project and finished it in that same amount of time.

The wireless point where I sit (and which extends into that lab) again dropped almost exactly at 3:00. It's done that for about a week and a half now. Since I am either in class or normally leave around that time it took me this long to discover it's always around the exact same time. My laptop and phone couldn't reconnect for basically exactly one hour. While not a huge pain - I can do offline things during that time or walk down the hall and use a different connection - it saddens me.

I had a pretty good time with my friends on my console. I played in the lab (the food store connection was down yesterday, so I'm guessing that will take a few days to fix), so I had to be quiet most of the time. But by the end of the evening I felt sad. I'd been in there more than nine hours, longer than a work shift. And in nearly 2/3 of that time or more I was doing stuff I should have done from a home. I played and watched shows, but very little of my day used the lab software or worked on homework. It seemed sad when I was one of the only ones there. I guess doubly so when I thought about that I have nowhere else to really be, and no home to return to when I leave.

Day 2436 - 3/3 - Bad dog

Today my tummy feels icky. Yesterday to save money I got a pack of hot dogs and buns. In the morning I microed them all. I had two for lunch and I didn't feel great after, but I didn't feel super horrible. For dinner I had two more, and since then I've felt odd in my tummy. It feels like I'm both hungry and like someone punched me in the gut at the same time. This morning I decided to throw out the remaining four. It's sad to lose $2 of food, but currently I'm on budget for food, so it's ok. Though I'm still very concerned that my remaining cash will be completely gone in less than a month.

I guess I feel ok other than my tummy being off and being pretty tired. Today is my big class day, so it should pass quickly. I only have a few hours before it starts. But since I'm caught up with everything maybe I can have a little fun before then.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2015
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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