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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 7: Dying embers

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 341

Day 2381 - 1/7 - Confused end

Today was good and bad. The morning went fine, though a bit sow since there wasn't anything going on. I did get confirmation my friend doesn't need me to do the online work anymore, so that's a pretty big hit in income. I'll just have to hope I can extend my unemployment or get enough in new school food stamps to be ok.

The evening was pretty good. I decided to try and shower in the afternoon before my console play instead of after and I think that will work out better. It's warmer, about as few people, I'm warmer when I get out of the shower, and there is enough time my towel should dry out or mostly dry out. After, I had fun with my friends in my console game.

Yesterday wasn't as exhausting as I'd thought. The writing class was more fun than expected, so it should pass quickly. And the editing class seemed ok. Surprisingly I'd met or had about half the people in class in a class before. So I already sort of knew a surprising number of them.

Tomorrow is the class I TA for. That should be fun and exciting. Although it will just be lecture, so it will be one of the more boring meetings.

My sad life continues to be sad and collapse around me. All I can do is think of all the people I'm helping by TAing and being on campus, as well as the help I do on my gaming forum, and hope that this is the place Fate intends me to be. Nothing seems to be going my way lately, so I hope at least my suffering helps others.

Day 2382 - 1/8 - TAing

Today was pretty good. It started rough, as I didn't get much sleep last night due to being anxious. And the morning was actually pretty slow due to pretty much being out of shows to watch. (Most are still on winter break and haven't started this season yet.) But the later afternoon quickly perked up once my class I'm TAing for started. This time seems pretty positive so far. I made some helpful comments and half a dozen students approached me during breaks with various questions, so I know I've already helped calm people's fears or helped to clarify upcoming expected problems.

Today I am tired, and still very sad. I don't have a home to go back to when it's over, nor can I sleep in in the morning and enjoy a day off. But overall I feel a bit better about my sad life. At least for today.

Day 2383 - 1/9 - Feeling sad

Today I feel pretty sad. I don't know if it's that I'm feeling doom of my not income, or a general true sadness. Despite having an ok time on campus today, getting a shower with noone around, and playing a few games with friends, I feel very sad and miss my old life. I suppose if I could only have one or the other this new / current life seems less lonely. A few students said hi today. I saw the super cute girl I first saw last summer. (She's in my Tuesday evening class.) And, I suppose, even though these were small interactions I feel a lot less lonely because of them.

But I miss my bed. I miss snuggling in under recently washed sheets. I miss playing or watching stuff or doing whatever, without time restrictions. I miss sleeping in and cooking meals. I miss... me.

Day 2384 - 1/10 - Slow day

Today was a pretty slow day. It started out at the coffee shop. I played a game I haven't played in about a week for a bit, helped on forums, watched one show, but that was really it. In the evening I went to play my online game, but it was just me, so that was sad.

I suppose today I am a bit more hopeful though. The person there at the coffee shop said he'd extended his unemployment by a year before, and another I'd talked to said he extended his for 1.5 years. So hopefully when they send me the whatevers to extend it I'll qualify and have some kind of income again. I guess I won't know for a while, but that seems a bit hopeful.

I missed being at school today. Though I'm not helping very many people yet by being a TA last quarter and now this one it has reminded me how much I like helping people do stuff and it's made me anxious to someday be a teacher. It would be nice if I'm back on track for that, but it could be a very long road.

Day 2385 - 1/11 - Safer that way

Today was sad. It was slow. One friend is out of town, and the other busy, so I felt it would be safer to leave the console in storage instead of bringing it out and playing alone. Again the day seemed overly quiet not being at school. Even though I don't have a whole lot of interaction it seems sad to not have the potential. Maybe it's just the cold winter. Maybe because I have no bed to go home to, nor a stove to cook on. Maybe not having anything I know will be there for sure to look forward to is just taking a toll.

Day 2386 - 1/12 - Inch by inch

Today went slowly. I was happy to be back at school. A few students said hi and asked for help with stuff. A few just said hi because I'm often there. (Though today was the second time a guy said hi while I had headphones on and seemingly wanted to strike up a conversation with me and I knew nothing about them and had never met them before.)

I decided since my friends I play my console game with were not scheduled to be on that I'd pas on play today. Leaving the console where it is is hopefully safer. I worry that taking it out and putting it back so often will one day lead to its death. And there is no way I could afford repair or replacement.

I noticed after lunch I had apparently been getting up then sitting down slightly off of where I was before. I think I literally moved inch by inch over several hours. When I noticed I was more than a foot away from my original position.

Today my butt hurt a lot from so much sitting in the hall, and moving slowly along kind of made me sad. Of course not being able to play my console game without risk makes me sad, but for some reason slowly losing my original position seemed like some sort of analogy or reminder to what's happened in my life to make it sad.

Day 2387 - 1/13 - Off balance

Today I started off balance. I'm not sure why, but I was a bit dizzy. I had a bit of a difficult time getting up. Even now I feel a bit wobbly. I have no idea why. When I refilled my prescription one was a different brand of pill. I'm wondering if it was the right one. I'm having some minor bleeding... somewhere you should never be bleeding. So when I got up today I didn't take those. It's been going on at least a few days, so I wonder if these symptoms are related. I sent a message for the doc to see what to do about that, but I haven't heard back yet.

Today is my big class day, so I'm sure it will pass quickly. Hopefully it won't get boring or exhausting.

Week 342

Day 2388 - 1/14 - Not bleeding

Today was ok I guess. I recorded my podcast in the morning, but then I quickly forgot, so I haven't edited it yet. In the afternoon I pooped and there was no blood, so I felt better about things. I did get a reply back from the doc and she thinks it is something else probably diet related, so I'll maybe talk about that tomorrow if she's there.

Someone from the class I TA for asked for my opinion on her project, so yay for being wanted and feeling helpful.

I played my console game for a bit too, which I haven't done since Sunday. For some reason I felt very sad. I didn't talk with my friends much and it kind of felt pointless to play. Maybe I just felt sad because I have to go to the food store instead of playing in the comfort of a home. At least I hope that's why, or just my general sadness and worry about my lack of income. Hopefully I'll not be this sad for too long.

I guess, all in all, today was ok.

Day 2389 - 1/15 - Bleeding returns

Today was good. Though in the later morning my bleeding returned, despite being off the meds. On my way to lunch I talked to the health center people and they said I probably have a separate thing which looking up the thing is yet another diet related issue. The good news is it's not anything serious or that I need to worry about. Though they did leave a message to call them after, but I was in class and didn't get that until it was too late, so I don't know what that is about.

My phone may be dying as well. This morning the alarm didn't go off like it should have because the phone was shut off, presumably due to low battery. The odd thing was when I plugged it back in it showed 35%. It normally doesn't shut off until 10%, so I was confused. After I finally charged it I watched and over six hours it lost 12%, so it seems to be losing a lot. When I first got it, it woudln't lose that much for about three times that long. There is something I can try, some kind of factory reset, but I'd guess it's just a dying battery. After all, it's been in weather as cold as freezing to overheating in like 85F weather. So it wouldn't surprise me if after these like four or five years the battery was dying.

I guess today overall was ok. I had a tough time with an assignment, but I had time to watch a few shows and play a little bit before the class I TA for. And when we did that class I had a pretty good time. So I guess today I felt ok, despite everything still being sad.

Day 2390 - 1/16 - Sad and mad

Today I got very sad and mad at one of the people I play with. We tried to do something and I did not like it at all. It made me sad, and frustrated, and I said I didn't want to do it again. But he kept pushing and insisting. I was right about to quit the group and leave when someone else finally acknowledged I was upset and convinced him to try the something else I suggested. He was the one who years ago made me so upset when I was in the guild that I almost muted him and refused to group. Again he kept pushing right to that edge. I don't know why he's like that. Nearly all the rest of the time we've been playing these past few months he's never done anything like that. I don't understand.

There is good news about my phone. It seems if I put it in 'airplane mode' it loses about 1% of charge per hour or less. Last night I fell asleep around 11 and it was 94%. I had to pee around 5 and checked and it was like 92%. When my alarm started going off though it dropped a few percent pretty quickly. Hopefully this means there won't be any more weirdness with it shutting off or running out of power during the night again.

I suppose I will settle in and feel better soon enough, but right now I am still sad and mad that friend did not respect my feelings.

Day 2391 - 1/17 - Recognized

Today was pretty fun. It started at the food store playing my console game. After, I went to the coffee shop and played my card game online, which I rarely get to play these days due to being behind the school firewall or playing my console game when I'm not, and I spent quite a bit of time with a game that is free to play this weekend.

I was recognized at the coffee shop. Someone said a couple of quarters ago he was in the building I'm in and he saw me in the hall all the time. I guess it's good to be noticed, but it would be nice to be recognized as the helpful TA, or for being known as the guy that did that thing they liked. Being known as the guy that's always in the hall, while funny, seems just kind of sad.

Day 2392 - 1/18 - Odd

Today felt odd. I guess because I had to keep remembering that despite it being Monday tomorrow I can't hang out at school. It's closed, so I can't do any regular routine. Which is kind of problematic because it's my best option for things to do in the day. Shower, lab to get access to a program for a homework I don't have access to, etc.

I guess today was ok though. But it felt weird.

Day 2393 - 1/19 - A warm spring day

Today was like a warm spring day. It was very odd. I did laundry in the morning and then went to the coffee shop. By about 11 it was warm enough that I took off my hoodie. By 12:30 I'd taken off my house shirt. I was down to two layers. I don't think I've been at two layers since late summer. I hope the weather holds, but it seems unlikely.

I guess today was pretty good. I wanted to tweak a school project, but don't have access to the software. Even though it was constantly in the back of my mind, I had fun playing my games. I suppose there isn't much more to hope for these days.

Day 2394 - 1/20 - Intact core

Today should be fun. It's a big class day. I have my two classes. I'd forgotten how weird it was to have a class only once a week. It feels good to be back on campus. Though I rarely help other students, I'm happy to be around and in a position that students come to me for help. I would still like to teach someday. Even though I may someday soon starve to death due to lack of income I sometimes think I'm much happier being in this position and having the class that I TA for than I would be at most jobs. I suppose that's good news and proves the core of who I am is still intact. The surface layers may be affected, physically I am absolutely affected, but maybe deep down I am still me.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2015
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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