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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 4: on and on

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 159

Day 1107 - 7/13 - Good comments

I've been so sleepy today. I can hardly remember more than just the recent few hours. It's all kind of a blur. I got to sleep in, so that was good. Since I put up podcast 20 last night I didn't have to worry about doing it today (during the biggest traffic time.) Which was good, as bandwidth was non-existent. I spent 2 hours trying to watch a show. When I gave up I'd only seen 25 minutes during those 2 hours. The rest of the time I was waiting for it to contact the site and buffer. It was insanely annoying. I could have 'checked out' a system (that's on a landline), but I was trying to do my online work for my friend. I couldn't do that either as the bandwidth cut that speed down as well. In the space of time it took that I normally would have finished I'd barely managed to do 25% of it. I had an afternoon work shift after. Then in the evening I played my game a bit. I checked for jobs too - nothing I was qualified for.

Jenesee sent word she's gotten some good feedback on the interview podcast. No details on what that means though or specific quotes. Hopefully it means people were touched and that they wish me well. If not, hopefully it means they commented on her podcast and gave helpful feedback. It's probably well wishing, but either way, as long as my words and sad story help even a few that's something.

I've been super sad today lately. A lot of sneezing too. I'm forgetting little things. Thankfully I've remembered them all not too long after. But as I said the other day, my mind feels more and more scattered lately, and I feel more and more lost in life.

Day 1108 - 7/14 - Compressed like a sponge

Today I feel ok, but also sad. I do still feel more connected to groups I've felt disconnected from lately. I didn't sleep in du to a morning work shift, but I did get a chance to finish my online work for my friend, watch a show, check for jobs, and relax a bit between shifts. My evening was kind of bad. There was a bad group that ate up about 75% of my playtime. I gained absolutely nothing.

I started a summer of movies today. It was kind of pricy at $25, but that's for an unlimited number of rentals taking one disk at a time for one month. I should be able to get caught up on several movies and show series that I haven't been able to catch so far.

I'm exhausted though. Everything weighs on me lately. I'm sure those of you who aren't homeless can feel the strain of the excitement of being out; How the overstimulation of your senses wears you out. It's like a sponge really. The longer you are out the more it gets compressed and smooshed. Normally you can go home, get out of that over stimulating environment and decompress back to your normal shape. But for me it's just repeated smooshing, and I never get to decompress fully. It's just varying degrees of smooshed. It's so tiring and so taxing. Although time in my car while it's parked in a lot during the day or times playing my games are helpful, I wonder if I will ever get a chance to really decompress before I'm in a home again, or if I will always be smooshed to some degree.

Day 1109 - 7/16 - Tears for the spider

I got to sleep in today, which seems more rare these days now that I have morning shifts a few times a week. I feel pretty rested, but as with all getting caught up on rest times very tired and like I still have catching up to do.

I had to kill a spider last night. I was hiding at night, watching a movie, and saw it crawl up my monitor and around to the back. It must have been 1.5" big stretched across. In a home I'd have scrambled for a cup to capture them and taken them outside. But since I was in my car I had no such luxury or choice. The spider had to be killed because if they escaped to the local area I'd have no clue where they went. They could be anywhere in the car, my bedding, or my cloths. I got a paper towel and tried to smoosh them. They ran as fast as they could to get away. A second attack got them and they were smooshed. I feel so terrible. They were likely just curious, drawn to the system by the light and the heat. They were just trying to live their life in peace, to get away back to their home close by. I felt so sad, and so very much like them. All I want is to get back home where I'm safe. I don't want to be out, alone, scared for my life... and killed for such a trivial, pointless, and unnecessary reason. I cried a few tears for the spider and myself.

At lunch today there were a few tiny birds near me while I ate. I tore off a few bits of my bread to feed them. They ate happily. Others came and after a few rounds of feeding, when I was done eating, there were about eight tiny birds.

I'm still so worried about my future, about my health. While my job pays me enough now, what would happen if (like in previous years) it dipped down to five hours again? While it is very secure, what if I left it for a new one and that new one let me go? I've seen several accidents in the road and parking lot during my time, what if it happened to my car, or me? With noone helping me and no safety net to speak of I feel very much like the terrified spider, wondering if something bad will happen to end me.

Day 1110 - 7/16 - The wrong way idiot

Today I encountered probably the dumbest driver in quite a long time. Mind you this is probably dumber than the person I saw in the school parking lot that tried to pass someone who was in the wrong lane and swerved into a parked car. It happened around dinner time. I was leaving the coffee shop parking lot. In the area I was in it was one way, and only about 1.5 lanes wide. There are two very large one way arrows on the ground. This guy starts to come forward to cross the exit from that area and he just stops while at about a 45 degree angle forward and to my left. My car is just behind the arrows, so they are clearly visible, and I am in the middle of the lane since it's a one way. I say to myself, 'What the poop? Get out of my way. What are you doing?' I stop and wait for him to pass by, but he just sits there. This guy then slooowwwly starts to turn into my lane and comes right at me (intending to pass me on my left) going the wrong way. I hit my horn to stop him from coming closer and possibly hitting me. A full three seconds pass as he's nearing the point of just about hitting me. He continues forward and I hold my horn down to indicate he should stop and go back. All the cars and people walking behind me are now at risk because of his going the wrong way. He doesn't stop and crawls around me on my left. I yell at my closed window, "What are you doing? This is a one way!" He says back through his open window, "I'm going the wrong way." I mumble to myself, "Yeah you are." I'm sure he meant that he lacked the mental capacity to redirect his overall route. It boggles my mind as to why he didn't go forward from his original position, into a two lane two direction area, completely empty of parked cars (meaning there were about 5 lanes wide of empty area) and just turned around there. It is beyond me why he chose to go against a one way, where there were easily two dozen cars parked, arrows on the ground, all very clear marks this is the wrong way for him to go.

That idiot aside, my day was pretty ok. I slept in on school campus. I had lunch and watched a show. (Which, as usual, took twice as long. Why the network doesn't have the bandwidth it used to in previous years is beyond me.) I had a good group with the guild. I played a few matches against my guild leader in Starcraft 2. (I'm getting a little better.) And I had a slightly better dinner while getting caught up on Dexter.

Still... if I were in a home I wouldn't be at risk of these kinds of dummyheads. I wouldn't have to eat out. The food I eat wouldn't upset my tummy as it wouldn't be so delicate. I could sleep in a bed and take a nice private shower when I got up. I may still be alone, but I could control my environment. I wouldn't have to listen to the same songs every couple of hours (at least hopefully not). I wouldn't be around the overly bright lights that are always on around me. And I wouldn't be near people with too much perfume or cologne.

Well... maybe someday I can be back in a home and back to a normal life.

Day 1111 - 7/17 - Saved a spider

Today seemed pretty good. It was a day catching up. I had a work shift in the morning. I get caught up on Dexter, and for video gaming I got started with Borderlands. It's super fun and I like it a lot. I think it would be more fun with friends online, but I have noone to play with. Even if I did I don't know if I could trust my bandwidth.

At work there was a spider in my stuff. This one was different; small, only 1/2" big, brown, kind of furry looking. It was super fast moving for its size. I got it on a paper and it stayed calm long enough to be taken outside and put it in the bushes. Hopefully it will find a good home.

I saw the work mouse outside not too long ago. I was worried because one coach had mentioned they'd called an exterminator to try and kill them. I felt so sad for the mouse I'd fed a cracker to. They just want to live their life somewhere warm and dry and a person wants to kill them for it. It made me sad to hear. Hopefully the one I fed and the one I saw are both safe and sound. While friends and loved ones would be great to have in my life, more than anything all I want is to have a safe place to sleep and call home.

Day 1112 - 7/18 - Trust

Lately I've been thinking a lot about trust. It seems like a lot of my problems stem from people not trusting me. I see jobs that say x experience required, which is basically a job saying they don't trust you. People are friendly around me, yet noone is inviting me to be their friend, so that's like they don't trust me. People who are local and do know about my situation aren't offering help, so that's like saying they don't trust me.

I feel like I'm missing out on a lot by not having people in my life that I can really share trust with. Yeah, I have my friend/ex-roomie I trust to hold my stuff for me, but it's different from her also saying 'we don't want you to die, please stay in the garage at night with your stuff and be safe and as happy as you can be spending time with your stuff,' and then trusting me with certain hours during the night that I can sleep there safe and sound. It's not like having friends where I can share my stuff with and trust them to treat it right in the same way I would. It's not like having friends that I share hobbies with and, say, going to a scary movie with, where we challenge our perceptions and boundaries of things by trusting the movie makers to push our boundaries without going too far.

Am I still homeless, have I remained homeless for so long, because people don't trust me?

Day 1113 - 7/19 - Gaming with snacks

Today has been pretty ok I suppose. It's early evening, just before dinner. I'll be having dinner and playing online at the coffee shop most likely, but that's probably it. It's warmer and there are lots of cute girls in shorts, so that always lifts my mood. I only got about 5 hours of sleep, so I'm completely exhausted. No jobs to apply to lately. In fact, most of my automatic searches I have running come back completly empty, or with 10% of what they did in years past.

Mostly I've spent the day gaming and getting caught up on shows. I even had a few bigger snacks, much like I used to do in a home. (Instead of the tiny ones I do at the coffee shop.) I had two small work shifts. I suppose in many ways today was what like a regular day in a home would have been for me. At least so far as it could be. My life forces me to live in a very diminished capacity and I wonder if I will ever be able to live as I once did ever again.

I suppose today was better than most, but since I'm so exhausted it's tough to feel positive about things. I'd like nothing more than to have a cooked dinner, watch my dinner time game shows while I eat, the probably just go to bed super early. But I can't. As is typical these days, I end my week of fail longing for the simple things I once had, the things seemingly everyone else has, and I wonder if I will remain on the outside for the rest of my life.

Week 160

Day 1114 - 7/20 - Nearly year 12

Today, like so many before, was basically unremarkable. I got to catch up on sleep a bit, so that was good. Bandwidth at school, as common for most Wednesdays for some reason, was almost completely nonexistent, so I couldn't do my online work for my friend. Instead I played Borderlands and got further caught up on Dexter. My short work shift went ok. The evening was ok.

As we near late August I am reminded of my birthday, but more importantly of being single. My ex left in July for a trip out of the country, but her breaking up with me wasn't official until my birthday in '99. I've been single ever since. Not even a date to speak of between now and then. If I'm doing the math right that means I'm ending the 11th year, and nearing the start of the 12th year, of being single. I'm not unattractive. At least there are comments here and there on rare occasion that seem genuine. But I wonder why have I been single so long? Is it this air of authority and self assuredness people have mentioned that I have? Is it because I have no social circle, and that is primarily how people connect for dating and love? Is it because people don't trust me, doubly so since I'm a total stranger to them? Am I doomed to become one of those sad stories that you hear about who, try as he might, no dating service seems to be able to help him and he finds noone on his own?

Like so many aspects of my life I wonder... can that ever be normal for me ever again?

Day 1115 - 7/21 - Plus one

Today was pretty good. On my social networking site someone wanted to add me as a friend. It's an online person, about the seventh or eighth total I think. It's strange to have online friends instead of real life friends that you see and do (physical) things with. I suppose it's just a change in my life that will remain different from now on. The world is changing frequently and style of connection between people is different now than when I was young. I isn't necessarily better or worse on its own, but it is different and something I'll have to get used to, as well as redefining exactly what that means to, and for, me.

Gaming and having online interactions with people still seems so different and strange to me. I can hide in a cubby at the school library and fade into my own little world - A world I once lived in. It's still only been about three months that I've had my gaming system, yet so much seems better in my life. So much back, at least in part, to what it used to be.

Things are still out of control. Things are still chaotic. Even now when I normally would be hiding in my night spot I'm hiding somewhere else, watching for an opening, because my usual spot seemed disturbed, potentially having unpredictable activity. And while some things are back on track, such as getting caught up on gaming, movies, and TV shows, I am still watching them on my laptop with headphones, at the mercy of school bandwidth or the coffee shop bandwidth. (In and odd twist it was the coffee shop that was completely unplayable while the school connection (for non-gaming) was tolerable.)

My life, once a clear solid picture, has been cut into a jigsaw puzzle. The pieces are scattered everywhere. Some are unrecognizable chunks that I have no idea how to fit into the others. Some are important corners that hold things together. And others still are ones I know have been lost forever and I will never see them again.

Day 1116 - 7/22 - The bunny with no hop

A very sad thing happened and I don't know how it will turn out. I slept in on campus this morning, and it was a good safe sleep. I went to do my show watching and have some lunch. After lunch I had to go to the bathroom to poop. Someone was in there. I waited and waited. For like 5 minutes I waited. I couldn't wait anymore, no sounds could be heard, so I knocked, to hurry the guy up. It was one of the homeless that stay on campus. He came out cursing at me about 'me and my gang' and he 'hoped that I got an S.T.D. while I was here'. And he stormed off. Homeless is one thing, mentally unstable and attacking others is something else entirely. I made my way to campus security to report it. I didn't want that guy on campus if he's going to be unstable and attack people, if even just verbally. There is lots of construction going on all around campus. I had to make my way down a small bush covered hill. That's when it happened. My left foot slipped out from under me, caught on something, and there was a pop and a snap. The rest of me sort of slid down along the slope, so I effectively just landed on my butt. My ankle seemed instantly swollen. Its range of motion seems mostly normal, but nature's crash bags have deployed and immobilized it. Putting pressure on it for hobbled walking seems ok, but moving the foot in different directions generates shooting pain. While walking back to the car seemed to increase blood flow and increased range of motion has helped, I've now artificially imobilized it with my boot. I guess I'll be wearing them from now on, at least for a few months. It's only just now happened, maybe 30 minutes or so from the injury, so I'll know more later.

For now the bunny has no hop, and may not for a while. I prey to the gods it's not broken and it heals right. I suppose in a way it's poetic that it's the left foot. Now they both have had bad sprains or breaks.

Time passes

Looking around teh Internets it seems the snap/pop was a "good" noise. With my symptoms and the tests it references (toe wiggling, types and conditions of pain) it seems to be a sprain. I guess that's good in that it means it will probably be fine long-term.

It seems there is an emergency care place that I can get checked out at for free, so I'll likely go do that late this evening after work. It's an emergency room, so that's 24 hours. I guess we'll know more later.

Time passes

In the hospital emergency room now. Been here about an hour. I've been to the window like three times. Apparently the visit isn't free but it should be $20-50 for just seeing me, which is affordable. I don't know what the cost of other services like x-ray or casting would be if they had to do that. I've been waiting to be seen for about 30 minutes now. When I started waiting a guy with a thumb injury said he'd been here 45 minutes already. He's still waiting and hasn't been called.

I haven't been to an emergency room in about 22 years. I'd forgotten the lingering sense of terror, fear, and death, that hovers in the air.

It's kind of surprising that noone has been offered wheelchairs or things to do stuff like put up my injured foot and keep it elevated. It makes me boggle that a few staff rolled their eyes at me when I said I couldn't ice it and keep it elevated at work, yet they offer me nothing to put it up. They did give me an ice pack, so I guess that's something.

I'm so sad this happened, yet surprised it hasn't happened sooner. I suppose though I won't be not wearing my boots in the future. And I won't leave them partially laced. Nor will I be carrying my backpack on just one shoulder. From now on Mr. Flat Foot is keeping them on all the time just about. The doctor way back in the day warned me my feet would be prone to slipping and I should always wear boots. Had I been doing so this possibly wouldn't have happened (though I would have still landed on my butt). I had I not taken the 50' short cut by not going to the stairs, this possibly wouldn't have happened. Had I not been homeless I wouldn't have been on campus to use the Internet, and this certainly wouldn't have happened. Such a sad chain of events that may wind up having life-long consequences. But then, I suppose this is no different than any other risk my homelessness has introduced into my life.

Time passes

(I guess I forgot a final entry for this day. At 4 AM I was let out of the emergency room, with the final verdict that I had a fractured ankle, which may be so far out of place it needs to be reset, and a facture fibula, which may need pins to set correctly. It won't be until the follow up appointment that we will know for sure.)

Day 1117 - 7/23 - Crutches hurt more

This is too much to bear alone, but I have no choice. It's 9 AM and I tried to go get meds, but I'm not ready. The crutches take so much energy to use. I see why people would opt for the new-school one leg scooter.

There is a sickening smell in my car. I don't know if it's the crutches or the leg splint / brace thing. It's not a full and proper cast yet. I guess that's a later phase if necessary.

I've been feeling sick. I don't know if it's my body dealing with the trauma, lack of sleep, or what. It's only 9 AM, with all of the day ahead of me.

There were people asking what happened and offering well wishing and concern in the emergency room, so that's nice. Literally I'm still on my own. No offers of help outside of holding a door open or what-not.

More than anything I want to get some sleep. The pain has almost completely subsided since the leg and ankle have been braced, so what was tolerable before is even more so now. My meds would be good I'm sure, but right now I think I need some actual sleep the most of all. I stayed at the hospital and tried to get some since it wasn't until 4 AM that I got out. Adding 30 minutes to have the cast ready and it was rapidly approaching morning. I checked the school lot at 7. There should have been people for me to blend in with. But there weren't, and the gate to the pool area was locked, implying noone was expected in the next few hours or longer.

Feel sick. Must try and sleep.

Time passes

It's later in the day, dinner time. I'm at a step above fast food restaurant, partly because I'm going to stay a few hours, partly because it's only a touch more than normal in cost, but considerably higher in quality. I may make this a semi regular thing. I'll have to see how finances hold once my hours reduce again in a month or so.

I'm discovering that the crutches are actually almost more painful than the breaks. They seriously dig into my armpits and it's killing my hands. Also, because I have to put all of my weight onto my one leg, after a very short while my right hip is sore. And due to all of this craziness I'm using all kinds of wrong muscles to try and remain balanced and stable. I can only go about 25' before I have to stop and catch my breath and take a break. I can only do that a few times before I'm completely strained and on the verge of falling over due to strain. I'll have to give serious consideration to getting a leg scooter thing. There could be zero pain there and some have baskets for carrying stuff. It's a couple hundred on a website that I found for one type, so it would be a serious investment I'd absolutely have to get back after. I guess we'll see what is around after the financial damage from the initial costs. It may wind up being too much and I have nothing left. We'll see.

I'm so tired. I nodded off after my last location move. I sat in the driver's seat and just zonked out for about 45 minutes. Hopefully tonight I can hide and get some sleep.

I don't know how helpful the meds will be. Apparently one is an anti-anxiety more than pain meds and the other is a stool softener? I was expecting pain relief and anti-inflammatory. I wonder why I was given these instead of others. Maybe it has to do with my bad blood pressure.

Well, my life is what it is and I have to deal with it one piece at a time.

Day 1118 - 7/24 - Disabled

Today went... acceptably. The crutches still cause me a fairly enormous amount of pain. After only brief hobbles on them I feel sick to my stomach. I looked around a bit and it looks like the thing I'd like to get is called a "knee walker". Unfortunately they seem to be around $400-500 new, so that's very far out of my price range. (To the point of impossibility, as draining everything I'd only have maybe $200. And that's counting $0 towards paying the bill so far.) There is this really cool high-tech thing that is $400. What it is is basically a prosthetic calf and foot-like pad, very similar to what you'd see on an amputee, and it has a pad you rest the broken calf/foot on, and then the upper area straps to your upper leg for stability. In theory, after a short adjustment period it would be very similar to natural walking.

Being "disabled" is a very different experience. Many ask me how I am who I've seen on occasion and I know they are truly concerned. Some have shared their stories of similar injuries. A few were even like me, just a random slip. Though I admit mine may have been a bit dumber. Though in my defense had the grounds been tended I would not have slipped. Mostly I've just noticed people offering to do little things like hold / carry food for me. There are other things too, sad things. Like today at the coffee shop there were two girls at the handicapped reserved table. I came in and waited 5 minutes, possibly 10. I know one girl saw me, looked right at me twice. I think the other purposely didn't look at me. I waited until my leg was throbbing, when it was nearing 'very bad' levels for me (likely a point the average person would have been crying) I said, "I hate to ask this, but are you leaving anytime soon? My leg is beginning to throb in pain." When she replied with a confused look and said, "uuuhhh... we weren't planning on it." I felt like... well, doing or saying very bad things. They could go to the library to study (they hadn't taken any drinks of their nearly empty drinks in the entire time), to other coffee shops, to a table outside, to their homes, but no. They were extremely hesitant to leave the clearly marked handicapped table after I said I was beginning to be in bad pain.

I've driven to fewer places and stayed at them longer. It seems to work out ok. The pressure from shifting (the car) only causes a very brief feeling of, well, pressure. As if pushing gently on a swollen part. It's very tolerable all things considered. I hope I'm not hurting myself more. Honestly the cast rubbing against one part of my ankle hurts me more. And when I put my leg vertical, or bend it down to a natural sitting position while in a chair, it starts to throb after a few minutes, a more painful and uncomfortable feeling than the quick pressure from shifting.

Honestly I feel like if I could have a removable cast or splint it would be better. After it's been in a restful position for a bit I really feel like it just needs to be stretched out and gently massaged a bit. Though it does sort of feel like it needs to be popped, like you do to your knuckles. Hopefully that's not a sign it needs to be "realigned". The splint is somewhat loose now and wiggles a bit. Hopefully that's a sign that the swelling has gone down a bit. I'd really like to get some anti-swelling meds, but with these crutches every trip is a really big deal, even just going to the bathroom. Tomorrow I think I'll stock up on soups and other items and have someone load my car. That way I'll be covered on food for a while and can reduce my trips various places.

In regular news my work shift went pretty good. I didn't sleep in because everything else took extra long and I needed the time to finish the podcast. I had held it to give an update about my leg. It's ready to go tomorrow. Also, I had several good groups in my game, so that was fun.

I'm very glad this happened during warm weather time. I can just keep my blankets in storage instead of dropping them off and picking them up. Carrying items besides my backpack is very risky as I may get imbalanced and tumble. It's warm enough that a few layers of cloths are enough. It will be a bit more difficult in that it will be different sleep, so I will probably lose sleep, but I'll manage.

The little things escape me the most though. Things like I forgot to check if I had gummy bears, then when I remembered I didn't want to go back in the car and check because it's 'in the trunk' and difficult to get to. Same with contact fluid in my lens case. I dropped a pill once and just left it. Bending over or getting up from the ground is... challenging.

As with everything else in my life this seems yet another obstacle that there is nothing I can do but persevere. When the emergency room P.A. pushed on my swollen bits and I didn't wince and I told her, "Yeah, that's pretty sensitive." she said, "You are very stoic, aren't you?" I suppose in some ways that's true. I said, "A normal person would have screamed when you did that, yeah?" And she was like, "Ooooh yeah." It felt a lot like my arm break when I was a teenager - more of a bothered feeling by the swelling and tenderness than actual scream worthy pain.

Well, that's all I can think of. I'm so sorry to myself over this stupid injury. If I'd have just ignored that guy and not gone to the police, if I'd have not taken that short cut, if I'd have worn my boots, maybe it wouldn’t have happened. My poor bunnah paw. I loves my hop so much, and now I don't have it. I hoped in my game a few times... and I almost cried.

Day 1119 - 7/25 - One sock

Today was pretty terrible. I went to the school library, which took 30 minutes (each way) because I hobble 15 feet, then need to take a 2-5 minute break. And every time I did it took longer and longer. In good news I found somewhere that will rent me the knee walker for $140 a month. Unfortunately I don't have that much right now, even if I drained all of my savings. I'll have to wait until I get paid Thursday.

In, I suppose, good news my one small shift that was every day has stopped. So that eliminates a lot of time I'd need to drive to and from work. Fewer trips and spending more time at places is going to become my norm for a while. Unfortunately I completely forgot about a big heavy stage I need to push into place on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Hopefully it will be ok, as I expect I can balance my weight and just push with one leg. It's not going to be slipping anywhere. If it's too heavy I'll have to get the people who are there for that activity to help and then be honest with my boss and report that shift should be given to someone else. If so that would be sad, as that's about $150 in shift money I'd lose. It only goes another month, but still.

It's very strange only needing one sock. I'm going to try avoiding using too much laundry, but as much as these crutches make me sweat it may be unavoidable. It will be difficult to impossible to do laundry since I can't carry stuff. Yeah, there are baskets with wheels I put them in, but I can't wheel the basket and push myself on crutches at the same time.

I'm managing as best as I can through my daily tasks that I need to do, suffering through the various pains and troubles. But as worse as the emotional pains are I would rather just have them to worry about. All these physical differences make it even more obvious just how alone I am in the world.

Day 1120 - 7/26 - Appetite returning

It's way too early in the morning. I was awoken unexpectedly by some early activity. I wasn't discovered, so it's ok, but I am up about an hour earlier than expected to leave for work.

I'm so very hungry. Since the accident I've only eaten about 40% of what I regularly eat. I don't know if it's the pain, or exhaustion and pain from the crutches, or system shock overall, or a subconscious urge to want to avoid bathroom trips, or what. But, as of about last evening my appetite has slowly been returning. Hopefully that's a good sign.

Still, the most difficult thing is dealing with the strain of these crutches. After that is the throbbing that happens with my leg once that part is vertical either when sitting or standing. It starts almost immediately, so that's not good.

I expect most of my day will be spent in the library after work. I'm still not sure if I'll manage with the stage or not. I guess we'll see soon enough.

Time passes

It's early afternoon and I'm planted in the library. I finally managed to get podcast 21 up. It actually went wirelessly, and fairly quickly, both a surprise, particularly compared to yesterday’s complete lack of bandwidth.

My wrists are pretty bad. I've even got some minor bruising on the back of one hand. It wouldn't surprise me if I've sprained my hand and armpit muscles with these crutches. I guess I can see if there are any videos online on how to use them. I suppose it's possible I'm still not quite using them right and it wouldn't be so bad a different way.

I guess I'll close out the week now. Though my life is extremely difficult and there is lots to talk about lately I don't think anything new will come up tonight. I expect I'll just stay in the library for the next 5 hours, and then go maybe have dinner and say at the slightly more expensive than fast food place I've been frequenting lately. I can actually sometimes see a signal to the coffee shop I normally go to from there. It's across the street. I would just get fast food, but I don't know, with the pain and sadness of the past few days, I think something slightly better and eating in a place I can at least continue to get caught up on my shows may be better. It's a comedy series I'm watching now, so it may even make me laugh a bit.

As I say at the end of the podcast, the moral of the past few days, and well, all of Epic Fail really, is to really take care of yourself. Take those few seconds to be extra cautious. Make those extra steps to let people know you care. Be good to yourself and do what's important, but don't compromise other things that are important. Life can be so very short, and so very fragile.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2011
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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