Week 201
Day 1401 - 5/2 - General cold and fat
Today I do feel better, but I almost certainly have a general cold that is lingering. Lately I've been cold most of the time. I was so cold today that I was gritting my jaw much of the day. I'll have to wear more cloths because noone else around me seems to have issue with the restaurant temperature. I still tire very easily. I don't have to pause my walking like before, but if I'm doing anything but sitting and resting I just get exhausted. I can recover enough energy that I can do a few small exercises during the day, so that's good.
I wonder if I've gotten fatter over the past few weeks. It's becoming increasingingly difficult, and now basically impossible, to bend straight over and put on my socks and shoes. 
If I were to guess I'd say I'm near my heaviest and wouldn't be surprised if I were 220-225 lbs. I really feel terrible about how my tummy is, but without good sleep, without regular (not fast) food, with everything emotionally weighing down even the good things I do have, it's going to be very difficult getting this weight off and keeping it off. Maybe I can get better once things warm back up in the summer and I'm back in a car.
Day 1402 - 5/3 - Play day
Today I played probably more than I was expecting to, so that's good. I really feel pretty good today emotionally. The day started with checking into something (for hobby stuff), then I spent a few hours on rabb1t site stuff, then I spent about 7 or so hours playing with my online friends. 
I guess today too I feel a decent amount better. I'm not as congested and I didn't really cough since this morning. I am still terribly worn out in terms of physical endurance, but at rest I feel much better than I have lately.
I guess that's really it now that night is upon me and the solitude is setting in as I need to hide. Though I had a pretty good day, my thoughts quickly begin to get sad as I think of all the basic things I am still missing in my life; things both fun and basic things that would greatly improve my quality of life.
Day 1403 - 5/4 - Hilarity ensues
Today was ok I guess. The bulk of my day was pretty fun playing my game, but everyone was busy, so I was alone.
In the evening my friends had their podcast. There was extra silliness and hilarity ensued. I think that part of it may have started because the GM started with a not serious intro. They don't have any kind of settling in time before the podcast, and I think doing that kind of gave them the ok to be silly. When you are a GM it is really up to you to help, or make, players focus on the game. Back in the day I would do about a 6 hour gaming session when I was GMing, but the first 1-2 hours of that was for eating dinner, messing around, updating characters or talking about rule things. Without some kind of 'warm up' or 'cool down' I think it can be very tough to get your players into the mood for being serious.
That was really the highlight of my day, though I could only stay connected for about 75% of the podcast. There were no cars or jobs to be found, so my homeless life remains really unchanged.
Day 1404 - 5/5 - A different table
Today was kind of sad, but ended well. In the morning I put up my podcast then played my game (solo) for a bit. I got several decent loots for a few characters, so that's fun. Sadly, most of the day I was alone and felt tired and lonely. If I could have napped I probably would have. In the last couple of hours that I was at the restaurant a few of my online friends came in and we played a few rounds. It made me super happy to see them. I wish there were more times to play together. It seems lately they have only been able to play a few nights a week for a few hours.
The only real big change for today was that there were several parties at the restaurant, so I had to sit at a different table. It seems strange to think that my days lately, well for the past month or so really, I've been sitting at one spot for basically 10 hours. Sure, in a home I'd play and be on my system a lot too, but if you did one of those time lapse videos I'd be in basically one spot the whole time, unlike in a home where I'd be on the computer, sitting somewhere else to eat, leaving to shower, change my cloths, maybe open or close a window, turn on or off an air purifier to help my asthma and allergies, go sit somewhere else to watch shows or movies on the TV, etc. It sort of makes me think back to my early homeless days where I'd spend that same amount of time, and more, watching people come and go because I had nothing else to do. I guess, even though my life is very sad, I have a tiny handful of friends now, a system, games to play, and through my site and podcast I can help or entertain others. And I guess that is something.
Day 1405 - 5/6 - A system scare
Today was ok, but pretty lonely. I had a scare yesterday with my system. On boot up it said there was something wrong and it had to run a disk check. Thank the gods 15 minutes later it said everything was ok and it booted normally, and has since. But to be safe I ran all the critical bits of my monthly backup. That is going now. After, I'll let it do a disk defrag until it is totally done. Before the weirdness it said it was like 24% defragged, which is insane as I've only seen systems that bad which had never had a defrag run in like 4 years. I guess with all of my games going on and off the system, and getting unoptimized test clients, it's gotten really messy.
It was quite a scare. Sure, nothing I have could not be replaced. I may lose an Epic Fail page or two, or some bits of podcasting, but things could eventually be recovered. I'd rather not lose anything though. While I never really worry with a desktop, as I'm always very thorough with my backups, what with my podcasting being 14 gig, and my video stuff from events, that stuff gets backed up very rarely, as it requires file swapping via USB to my netbook because it's too big to put on a standard DVD. I can't easily do multiple disks, or attach on a spare hard drive to run a backup.
While I am relieved that everything seems to be ok, a part of me is kind of sad I wasn't forced to buy a new system. While it's a horrible thought financially, part of me is sad I was not forced to buy a new system. By draining the car money I could have gotten a new Alienware M14x (which was just updated on specs a week ago) - a system that would have cut my weight by half and size down to 75% as big. It would have run for probably triple or quadruple the time gaming unplugged, and easily 5 hours just doing general use stuff or web surfing. Since it would be so much smaller it would have been far easier to pack and unpack, as well as meaning I could change to a normal sized backpack instead of this overly gigantic one. Though I would have lost Blu-ray (without paying an extra $200, which is a bit pricy) and 1920x1080 resolution (it maxes at 1600x900), due to the next generation gaming chip, and the lower resolution, it would have out-performed what I currently have in speed.
Well, better that I still have the money for the car, even though noone is posting anything worth getting. Again, today the few that looked good at first glance were broken in some way. I guess, as always, I am at the mercy of where Fate is taking me, and all I can do is hope where it is taking me serves some "greater" purpose.
Day 1406 - 5/7 - Headache
Today was kind of a blur. That might be in part due to the headache I've had all day. I'm not sure if it's a lingering cold that is causing it or the sudden change in temperature or what. (It was like 80F today I think. ) I don't really remember the day. I have a vague memory of getting my blood pressure meds in the morning, working on my online work for my friend, then playing my game alone during the day. In the evening my online friends were on for about an hour, so I got to play with them. My lag from work was pretty bad, so that hurt us I think.
I did get word that the Death D4 Dishonor soundtrack is getting much love. I looked at the stats, and if they are correct, there has been about 40 downloads since it was first posted five days ago. 
Wow, that seems pretty crazy. I'm glad people seem to like it and have fun with it.
No cars really to send word to. There was one, but the rest were all broken. That's really it. Just a regular day for the most part. Which, I suppose, in my sad life is a good thing.
Day 1407 - 5/8 - The morning
It's sort of later morning, but I guess I'll close out the week now. I don't expect anything to happen, and if it does I can update the page later.
I didn't get my system fully defragged yet. It's taking an insanely long time. I ran the system for about 3 hours the other day just doing that and it only cleared about 6%. It still shows 18% messed up. I don't understand why it takes so long. It has a second drive in there. It should just be ableto copy a chunk, delete a chunk, repeat. It doesn't seem like it should take as long as it is. Maybe I'll delete a couple of the bigger games I don't play anymore. Maybe that will help. I've got a couple of MMOGs I'm unlikely to go back to that are probably 20-30 gig each.
I feel tired, but the past couple of mornings I got to sleep in a bit, basically waking up before my alarm. It makes such a huge difference being able to sleep until you wake up naturally compared to when an alarm wakes you up.
I suppose I feel hopeful today that things may change for the better - probably due to the warmer weather - but the reality is that nothing is likely to change at all and the most I can hope for is my friends are on and I can spend a few hours playing with them and that worries and sad things seem a bit less for a while.
Week 202
Day 1408 - 5/9 - Halloween costume
Today was ok. It was mostly sad and lonely, like every day. But there were a few good moments.
It started with laundry, which was very overdue. I didn't smell or anything. I don't sweat really, so I rarely smell bad. But I didn't smell fresh. That is really difficult for me, as I don't get a shower every day, nor do I have a place to take clean clothes from after the shower. While I was there I saw a wasp trying to get out of the shop. The critter couldn't figure out how to get past the invisible force field that was the glass wall. I felt very sad for it, and sad specifically because all this critter wanted was a chance to live its life, just like me. I watched for probably half an hour while I was doing some audio editing. I finally grabbed a magazine that was there and very gently offered it as a place to climb on to. The critter did, and it stayed still while I carried it outside. Once past the barrier it immediately flew up into the air and away from the shop. I was happy at least one of us was free, now having the opportunity to succeed once more.
At the restaurant I played my new game, but I decided to try out a class that would be support. I've decided that while the knight class is cool and has some useful tower things, it's not all that fun to play grouped because there are just sooooo many bad guys. I think I'd like a ranged person more. Anyways... my plans were quickly changed when I decided if I was going to play that I wanted a special costume. Unfortunately you need to complete a special level on hard to unlock it, so back to my big level 61 body I went. Try as I might through the day I never unlocked the costume. I'd even leveled to 70, where the level recommends 60+. I guess I need to tune my strats and maybe get a few more levels.
Yesterday I did have something happen after I posted the week. I saw a cute car, with a hard top instead of a soft top, and it wasn't too far. I called to ask some questions. Turns out the guy basically lied as to where it was. It was some probably 30 miles away across the bay, which meant what was possibly a 30 minute bus trip became about 2.5-3 hours. I suppose it's ok. It was the same mileage as the last two of that type which died, so it probably wouldn't have lasted very long without a lot of work. After that I was pretty sad most of the day, even though I'd started it feeling hopeful.
In the evening today my friend popped in to say hi to me. She didn't want me feeling sad and lonely. We chatted for a bit by messages, but I bet she fell asleep because she stopped messaging shortly after. If she was tired and needed extra sleeping then it's better she get that than stay up and talk with me.
It was pretty warm again today, but being in the cooled restaurant I wound up changing to pants pretty early. Without a car, without a home, there is no way for me to enjoy the warm weather as it were. At the rate things are going I'll miss a portion of this nice weather, if not all of it. And even if I do get a car... I still have a very strong feeling I will miss a great many things this summer, just like so many before it.
Day 1409 - 5/10 - Another sad party
Today was mostly ok I guess, but it became more sad as the day turned to evening. I woke up early, so I got an extra hour just about to do things. When it's because you wake up naturally, being up early can be a good thing. I started my day with doing some audio editing. A friend showed up online, so I played for about an hour with him, then needed to move over to the restaurant to eat. I had lunch and checked for jobs and cars. I decided to check more often today just because the weekend is coming up, and I'm always a bit more sad when it's the weekend and I have no car. It not only means an extra lost 3 or more hours over those two days that I could play, but even more lost time if I'm working on a Sunday morning shift, which I am, in addition to things like the possibility of going to a movie at night or other activities. Through the bulk of the day I was playing my new game, again trying to unlock a special costume for a character. I got closer, but it's very frustrating in that I'm 10 levels higher than the level recommends and I still can't beat it to get the unlock.
In the evening my friend had another party type podcast stream. Earlier in the day I had a feeling I should pass on watching, but I decided to peek in and see. They were getting drunk, and I don't like being around drunk people, so only the first half or so was interesting. The rest was them being pretty drunk. Granted it was silly and fun for those who do it, but for me it was like, bleh. A one point someone got super sick and had to leave, but their video was still going on their empty chair. I was pretty worried, because that's how I am, but I guess noone had his number, which seemed odd since they were all on the staff for that website.
But again there were similar feelings as last time. I wondered if I would ever be a part of a community like this. Would I ever have friends to have a party like this? But this time it... well it hit home as they say, more because they were drinking. Since drinking is an activity usually done in a safe place, at a safe time, near your bed / home, or you have an easy way to get home. So people were saying how drunk they were, and how they should go to bed, and they were having fun and bed was easy to get to. I have none of those things. I can not drink and be silly online in a chat room with people. (Not counting that I don't drink at all.) My bed is only near to my computer in that both are packed away in storage. But, most of all, I was reminded I am not young. I don't fit in with the age of most of those people. If that were a real (physical) party it is likely noone would have talked to me save for the like four people I knew. I would have likely sat alone for the evening. They would not be young, cute, attractive girls flirting with me because I would not be a center of attention in such a group.
I am sad, but I suppose it is more an acceptance that I know who I am. I am not young, like most people. I am not charismatic or a central figure. I do have expertise and special knowledge, but it is not considered valued by most. I wouldn't say I feel undervalued, but I would say most of the time I feel unappreciated, unnecessary, alone, and an outsider even within the communities which are 'in my interest'. And because of all of these things happening at once, I feel so far out of the norm, so much of an outsider, I wonder if I can ever really be a part of anyone's world ever again... or if I ever really was before.
Day 1410 - 5/11 - Getting frustrating
Today was ok, but a bit frustrating. I again tried to focus on getting a special costume unlock for my game. While I'm closer it still seems impossible. It's very frustrating now as I've been trying for about 15 play hours. I really don't expect it to take a long time and certainly not this long. This seems... unfair since they rated the level at 60 and now I'm a 71+ and still have yet to unlock the item.
In the evening I got to work on my podcast, so that's all done and ready to go. Unfortunately I had just about zero bandwidth at work, so I couldn't watch my friend's stream, which made me very very sad, as I look forward to that all week.
Oh, oddly, for no discernible reason I had a really bad migraine level headache most of the day. Also, my eyes hurt, and I was really extremely tired. I'm not sure what's up with that.
Nothing really different for today. Overall it was really just another regular day. My sad things remain sad and unchanged.
Day 1411 - 5/12 - Subconsious block
Today was mostly ok I guess. It was a bit extra lonely with people out doing stuff (for Mother's day?) But for the last 1.5 hours of the day I got to play online with friends.
During the day I again tried to get my special costume in my game, but I failed solo. Later in the day I looked for an existing game for it and there wasn't one. Then, after probably 16 total hours of trying over the past 4 days (which includes today) I had the thought to make a game myself. Once upon a time I'd have probably done that after only a few rounds of trying. I really didn't understand at first why I didn't do it sooner. After a while it dawned on me - it is because of all of the limitations in my life being so deeply rooted in my core. Because of all of the instability with my connection, because of my not having friends outside of the circle I play with (who are only on a few hours a few days a week, and not of the right level), because of fearing various inappropriate or unfriendly interaction with strangers, I simply didn't even consider the fact that I could make / host my own game. The first try failed, but the second (with an 83 in the group, max level) worked fine. So, after maybe an hour or so for that I got my costume. 
It seems strange that the limitations and thoughts of 'I can't do x unless I can do it on my own' have become so deeply part of my core of who I am. I think though, more than anything, it is sad that I consider myself so far outside of normal now that I don't even think in ways that I used to.
Day 1412 - 5/13 - Lingering cold
Today was ok I guess. It started with an extra work shift. Being Mom's day there was only one person there the entire shift. I did some podcast stuff, editing, and then played for a bit. After work I went and hung out at the restaurant. Like work, there was almost noone there. I didn't get to play in the evening with friends, noone was around, but that was to be expected.
I actually got a reply from a car person. I don't know if I will wind up going to see the car though, as it was one of those 1.5 hours each way trips. I told them to let me know if it doesn't sell and is available to see Tuesday. That's the soonest I could make a trip that time consuming.
I must have a lingering cold. My eyes still feel like they are being pushed from behind, my ears are ringing a bit, my headache is there but not as terrible, but mostly my tummy is really unhappy with what I ate today. I'm also very sleepy even though I slept very decently last night, which is extremely unusual for me.
More than anything right now I wish I were in a quiet, calm, peaceful home, where I could cook... gentle foods, and snuggle in to my bed early and get extra sleep. I feel very sad I do not have it. I almost feel like crying, not so much because my life is sad, but because I just want to be somewhere quiet, peaceful, and where I can rest. I just want to eat not fast food and rest. And I don't understand why I can't have it.
Day 1413 - 5/14 - Not at a launch
Today was ok I guess, but more lonely and sad than not. Nothing bad happened. It was just one of those days where I basically didn't see friends, didn't play with anyone, and the routine of what little of a work day I had wore me down emotionally. I didn't hear back from the car guy about going down in the morning, but that's ok. I have a package to wait for in the morning that I've been forgetting about.
Right now people on my coast are waiting for Diablo 3 to launch. People on the other coast already got theirs, installed, and are playing. I don't really mind missing the launch. It's not a super huge deal. I can wait until morning. But if my life were better, if I could take the time off from work tomorrow, if I had a car, if I had a home... Yeah, with a normal life I could have gone to a midnight launch. I would have taken some videos. And I may have some silliness I could have shared. But, as so many launches lately, that is not my life. It is not something I am able to do. And I don't know when I will be able to again.
Day 1414 - 5/15 - Waiting for Diablo
Today will hopefully turn out ok. It's I guess mid to late morning, a half hour after when the delivery person used to show up at the ex-house. Lately she's shown up between 11 and noon, but I really hope it's sooner rather than later. I hate wasting part of my day in the ex-garage waiting. With a car I'd have been doing things, then just check in every few hours. Without, well, walking to the bus, getting on, going somewhere to do something, coming back... I easily lose 30 minutes each way on a very conservative estimate (compared to the same trip in a car being 5 minutes.)
I'm happy Diablo 3 is finally here to play, or will be when it arrives. But it seems kind of surreal. This is again one of the games I've known about and seen go from development to completion while homeless. I suppose almost all games now are like that since I've been homeless for so long now. But it's the thought of people going to their job, coming up with the idea, putting all the art and sound and coding and other work in, going home to their lives, day after day, until the game is completed and launches while I'm still homeless that gets me. In all that time my life has remained sad, remained relatively unchanged. Some who have followed Epic Fail may have started and finished high school or college in the time that my life has not changed. So much change for them, so little for me. As time goes on my life seems to get further and further behind. And I feel more and more lost and an outsider as I watch everything around my life thrive and change with time while I stand still.
