Week 199
Day 1387 - 4/18 - Falling apart
Today I feel like I'm falling apart. At lunch a part of a corrupt tooth broke off, and a nearby filling went with it (likely because it was just being held in place.) The surprising thing is I am actually ok with losing it. It's been corrupt for years. That tooth had gone bad like probably 8 or more years ago. I did get it filled once upon a time, but it was a major work. During my homeless days I lost that filling, so it was just getting more and more corrupt as time went on. What is left seems 'good', so even though most of it is gone, what was long dead has now been cast off.
Although I didn't really cough at all last night my cold / flu / bronchitis / whatever seems kind of worse. I feel just terrible and get exhausted even more easily. I'm also literally choking myself. My throat lymph nodes are so swollen and you can easily see my throat is bigger around than usual.
Despite not needing to worry about class today I felt lost, alone, and adrift in life. (Though I did not get a reply to my email, so I sent another one, and I'll call or something tomorrow if I still don't get a reply.) I felt as lost and like I was set out in the world to fail just like when I was kicked out of my masters some five years ago.
Today I feel as if my life is falling apart. I feel lost. I feel like a failure at life. I feel like the things I'm good at, the things I enjoy doing to "be productive", don't matter to others.
But I know that's not the case. Even if I do drop the class, the next round starts in late August. Some online friends / ex-guildies sent me a special card they made with some monies to get socks for my paws since so many of mine have holes now. And one of my new friends popped online to see how I was doing and all since he knew I was sick and I hadn't seen those friends in a few days.
In many ways I do feel like I'm getting better, both from my cold and my loneliness and isolation. But because there is noone around me during the day (physically), because I am alone at night, because my life is unchanging and I'm missing so many critical things... I still feel like I'm falling apart and may never recover at the rate I'm going. 
Day 1388 - 4/19 - Possibly more swollen
Today I felt sort of better through a decent part of the day. My neck looked more swollen though. And as the night went on I felt colder and more and more like the lymph nodes were choking me. I was coughing pretty badly for a while, but it seems to have settled again. Though walking is extremely exhausting to me tomorrow I think I'll see if someone at the health center can look at me. I'd guess this is why cough drops haven't really helped. It may be something on the outside of my throat, likely just the swelling causing things to smoosh together that normally don't touch.
I'd probably be over this by now if I weren't homeless. In the last week and a half I probably would have gotten between 30 and 50 more hours of sleep. Not to mention overall rest. When I can be somewhere quiet my ears ring and my eyes hurt. I suppose for a normal person it's like being at a sports bar or quiet concert. The overstimulation is really draining on my systems under the best of times. But when I'm sick... fooo.
My new friend is sick too. She had some kind of allergic reaction and had to go to the hospital. Her hubby thinks she is doing fine and should be released in the morning, but still I worry. Who knows what other unknown allergies she could have. When I was 13 my mom went to the hospital with a super bad thing (tuberculosis) and they gave her a medicine she was allergic to and her lungs/throat swelled up and she suffocated. So... I am very worried about my friend.
So many sad things in my life, and I am seemingly powerless to change any of them.
Day 1389 - 4/20 - So tired
Today started with me trying to set up the appointment. There wasn't anyone who could see me today, so I have an appointment set for Tuesday. I do feel a bit better, though I'm super tired. I dozed off on the bus on my way to work.
Nothing really new for today. My friend is back at home now from the hospital. She says not to worry, but since they don't know exactly why the allergic reaction happened I will always worry some. With an unknown cause there is an unknown way to avoid it and it can happen again in the future.
It's super warm lately. It's almost like summer. If I at least had a car it would be great. I could wear shorts and leave extra cloths I don't need in the car (jacket, pants, etc.). Without... it just seems to serve as yet another reminder of how different my life is from the average person.
Day 1390 - 4/21 - Maybe slightly better
Today I'm maybe slightly better. The tickle in my throat and lungs was pretty extreme at times, and I was coughing very badly in the morning and night. I stayed at the restaurant all day, and with a free refill soda I basically constantly drank and was ok. (Unfortunately it seems to have to be something caffeinated, as non-caffeinated drinks, or water, don't seem to sooth my throat and I start coughing and wheezing again.) I'm still drinking two to three times normal, so that's not good (overall). But besides the cough, raspy lungs, and very quick exhaustion I'm feeling maybe a bit better. My confusion is lifting and time is becoming a constant again.
There were no friends online today, so that was very sad. I had a new game I got for cheap to keep myself occupied, so it wasn't too bad of a day. I hope they are all ok and having fun wherever they are. I know they are all out there, so while I am a bit lonely lately I'm ok I guess.
It was a super warm and nice day. I think it was over 80F. I was out in very little of it, as I needed to be indoors most of the day. In a home, with a car, things would have been so much better. I could have slept in, napped if need be (I almost did doze off for a bit a few times), and I could have opened my windows to let the warm fresh air in. But as sad as it is, my life seems to continue to be not normal.
Day 1391 - 4/22 - Maybe better, maybe not
Today was another extra work shift. It's good because it's more money, but without a car, sheesh does it waste a lot of time on Sundays. It's like 3 hours spent traveling when it would otherwise be 20-30 minutes by car.
I worked on some rabb1t stuff I needed to do, so that was good. I had zero internet connection though, so I played my new single player game.
I had a few hours at the restaurant, but none of my friends were around. The one that needed to go to the hospital recently was on for about the last hour I was there, so we chatted for a bit. 
But noone was around to play, so that was pretty sad.
I've been better and worse today. As per usual lately my cough was pretty bad in the morning and evening, but when I was about during the bulk of the day the cough was pretty mild. Mostly it was just the very extreme and almost constant fatigue / sleepiness that got me. I do seem to be getting slightly better, but at the rate I'm going I'll likely still be bad on Tuesday for my appointment, which is good in that maybe enough will be left for the doctor person to have drugs that can help me totally get over it.
I guess that's it for today. Just my usual sad life and regrets about all the normal things that I don't have in life really.
Day 1392 - 4/23 - Stained lips
Today, even though I'm coughing a ton, I feel a touch better. I did notice that my lips seem to be stained more red from the cough drops. (They are red/purple.) I thought that was kind of funny.
I guess today was ok. I saw and played with one friend for a bit. He's ok, but he's a friend of a friend, not a 'direct friend'. We grouped with one friend of his when we played during the day, and a different one when we played at night. The first seemed ok, but the second wasn't really my type of person. He had his mic on the whole time (thank the gods I couldn't hear his game sounds), but the whole time his chair was screeching, his mouse was thumping, his keyboard was really loud, he was eating stuff, and bla bla bla and swearing. Not the kind of person I would choose to hang out with really.
I really like my two new frinds Jenesee and Tinzien. And I like their friend Daniel a lot too. They are much more my style in terms of friends. They are chatty but equally quiet. For the most part they don't make a lot of noise or broadcast everything. (Though a bit too much noise comes through Jenesee's mic sometimes, and Daniel doesn't always mute when he eats.) I wonder if that is part of why I've had so few friends. I really only like a very small number of people because I only like certain types in terms of personality, and they kind of need to have certain... habits(?) in terms of polite habbits, conversational style, etc.)
Nothing really different today. The car ads are becoming more numerous, but it's because more and more are either broken or are really big cars (which would be high maintenance, poor gas mileage, or both.) I guss things don't seem as bleak as normal with the weather being warmer and my heath slightly improving. But I can't help but wonder as I always do near the end of a Fail week; is this all there is for me? Will I never return to a home and a life I had? Will I ever find any new friends that I like that are close enough geographically to be "real life" friends, or will they only always be some form of online friend?
Day 1393 - 4/24 - The appointment
I had my appointment today. They almost didn't see me. It was at 9, and I thought I remember it being 9, but I had 9:30 in my notes, so I went in at 9:20 and they sort of said it was too late. They wub me though and squoze me in. There was the cutest registered nurse there. 
I need to find me a nurse/doctor sweetie that's a gamer. That would be one of the best sweeties for me I think. So the doctor person listened to my lungs and did hear the wheeziness. She gave me an inhaler for when I need it, some anti-biotic drugs, and they hooked me up to some vapor inhaler machine for like 5 minutes. My lungs feel a lot better after doing it, but bleh, it made me have a few coughing its, so I probably didn't get as much of the medicine in me as I could have. So, as expected, they agreed I have some pretty serious stuf going on (bronchitis / pneumonia / other), but the meds should help clear me up. Oh, it did cost $25 for everything, but that's super fair, as they don't normally charge me for visits, which is $10, and had I gone to the actual hospital I have coverage at it would have cost $25 just to be seen, then who knows how much for medicine.
It's still fairly early, not even 10:30 as I write this. I'll be settling in at the restaurant soon and going about my regular routine of looking for a car, jobs, and playing my games to try and be somewhat happy and forget my troubles. I suppose today ends the week in a hopeful note of being better soon, though overall things still seem very lonely, lost, and sad.
Week 200
Day 1394 - 4/25 - Better... ish
Today I'm feeling better while I'm at rest. I don't cough or feel bad really. However, when I'm moving, even if it's just going to the bathroom I tire out, feel a bit like coughing, and do sometimes. There is still flemmy yuck when I cough at times, and I'm sooooo very tired. Overall though I feel a lot better now that I have the meds, so hopefully I will continue to improve pretty rapidly and be recovered by the weekend. (My main meds are a five day dose, so that means the last pill is Saturday morning.
I think I had an ok day. Honestly the majority of it is just a blur of doing stuff offline, like looking for cars and jobs, and playing single player stuff. My online friends were around in the evening, so we played together for a few hours.
The school administration thing shows a credit for nearly $50, so I guess I should see about collecting that when I feel well enough again to walk longer distances. With a car it wouldn't be a big deal, but without it's adding quite a bit of walking. Right now I still get too exhausted to even walk around the store to get my new fluffy socks and pants some friends sent monies for.
I'm a bit sad thought. My bestest friend that I play online with was sad because she may not be as into the game anymore. It's ok because gaming to me is about going in cycles, but it's sad that she didn't enjoy her time tonight. Maybe it was just something tonight, but it seemed like something she'd been thinking about / feeling for a while.
That's really it. Nothing really special today. Still feel pretty icky, still very sad that my life would be so much better in a home, particularly now with me being so sick, but it seems I still have no control to change anything.
Day 1395 - 4/26 - The stream
Today was actually a bit different, both in a good way and in a bad. To start, I'll mention the regular things, as people will likely be curious about that. I still feel pretty bad. I get winded and have to pause walking every 25 feet or so, but I needed cough drops, so I went to the store. I took things easy enough that I managed to get the fluffy socks and new pants. These pants are 38" and seem to fit just right, so if I get heavier they won't fit. But that might be good incentive as I am still about 30 pounds over my average lately. It was a good thing I got the cough drops, as my lungs seem extra congested and a lot of yuck is happening. They don't feel as dry as they did before, so hopefully that means I'm getting better, but I did need to use a lot of cough drops to keep from coughing.
The thing that was sort of bad, sort of good, happened in the evening. My friend Jenesee had her video stream of her podcast and there were some popular people on and there were like 50 people in the chat room. They were all having a super good time, but I only knew one person. I felt very much like I was at a party where I didn't know anyone. They were all fans / friends of the guests, so they all basically knew each other because they all were a part of the social network that is that site. While it was awesome to be a part of it, at the same time it brought up a lot of confused and sad feelings for me. Jenesee's podcast and mine are about the same age as it were, but she gets tons of people who subscribe and listen, and she now has over 300 friends on her page. I have not even 10% of that number, and none of them are important in the industry type people. Granted my site and podcast target regular gamers for the most part, while her's focuses on interviews with developers and I guess you could say enthusiasts. Heck, I don't even have interviews at all, heh. I'm super proud of how she's grown in her success, but at the same time it makes me sad (for mine). I don't have that kind of recognition or following. I don't know if any of what I do matters to people. I see that strong community connection and see everyone having fun and talking amongst themselves and think to myself that I'm an outsider. I wonder if I will ever have a following like that. I wonder if I will ever have or be a part of a community like that. I am reminded, even though noone there knows, that I am not a young person forming bonds and connections with others that will last for years and years. When it was over I "went home alone", just like any event I go to, just like any party. I made no new friends. Noone approached me in more than just a passing way.
My feelings seem like I want that fame, that recognition, that success. And while I admit those things would be nice, I think, deep down, that's not what really affected me the most. I think what affected me the most is that it seems like just another reminder that I don't have a place I belong. I don't have a community that I'm really a part of. I'm not viewed as a part of something, or someone who is, special. I am still the outsider. I am still alone. I am not a par of that crowd. And being older and feeling those things... no matter how much I wish it were not so, it seems that for whatever reason I will remain an outsider. I will not be recognized or acknowledged by more than a few. And, most sad of all, that I could have forever missed my window for those things to happen for me.
Day 1396 - 4/27 - Dropped doughnuts
Today was fairly disappointing. The morning went reasonably normal, though I didn't get a micro dinner because I just didn't have the spare energy to make the trip. During lunch before work I played the Guild Wars 2 beta weend a bit. I didn't get to play the race I wanted, as it wasn't selectable for some reason, but it was also an unoptimized client, so things are pretty laggy as well as overcrowded by players. It seems decent, but due to not having anyone to play with I'm kind of unsure if I'll pick it up. There is still no launch date, so we'll see as we get closer to an actual date what is going on in my life.
All day I'd been wanting to watch my friend Jenesee stream her Death D4 Dishonor podcast, but the connection at work crapped out and I barely got to see half. And just now during a night time snack I dropped several mini doughnuts onto the floor.
Today I feel pretty sad. I lost tons of time on the bus that I could have spent playing. Because I'm stick with no car I had a dinner that was bleh instead of the usual. My bandwidth for watching my friends online died. And because I'm homeless I dropped snacks onto the floor. I am very sad that my life seems such crap right now, and it seems like it's never going to change.
Day 1397 - 4/28 - The soundtrack
Today was a bit different. Every now and then I've done different; I guess you could call them sound bites, for my friend's podcast. Lately I've thought, "You know, if you add all of them together, plus this cast member's sounds, you'd have a whole soundtrack." So I did that this morning. I spent probably two or three hours putting together the sounds I've done, giving them tags, making CD style art for the cover and back of a case, and threw together a site for downloading it all. So, while it's all technically live and ready tonight, my friend will announce it at the Death D4 Dishonor site I'd guess tomorrow or the next day. It still seems strange that in the early days we kind of butted heads and I got very mad at them and now I'm doing things for them and things are happy, and some of them are my bestest friends. I think part of that could be due to some cast members changing, but also how they run they rules has settled a bit, and I too have settled a bit in terms of not being rules-lawyery and letting it be its own thing. Maybe someday when I'm not homeless anymore I can be a part of it proper like instead of just in the background.
Speaking of limitations of being homeless... today was better, but still bad, as it were. I really wanted basic food - chicken soup for lunch, and boiled skinless chicken breast with white rice for dinner - but I couldn't have those. I did have soup for dinner, but it was a very funny version, and the on sale half-off cheeseburger at lunch didn't really agree with me at all. I guess I was betterish in some ways though. I still exhaust pretty easily, my throat, nose, and lungs are pretty congested, and my pooper... well, it's not happy at all lately.
I guess, overall, today was pretty good though. I got my podcast ready to go. I did the soundtrack and felt helpful and productive with that. I posted it all when I got to the restaurant. I played my online game a bit, played part of the Guild Wars 2 beta weekend, watched a few shows, and in the evening got to play and chat with my online friends. As far as homeless days go it was pretty good, not counting the feeling sad from sick, which was a very sad reminder of how different things are now from before.
Day 1398 - 4/29 - Feeling a bit better
Today I'm feeling a bit better. The day started with me messing around with more stuff for the soundtrack. I wanted to tweak some stuff, so I did that and it sounds even more awesome.
I felt pretty congested in my throat and lungs much of the day, but I didn't really cough at all. I'm still super exhausted though. At one point I almost fell asleep in the restaurant.
I got to play Guild Wars 2 a bit more. I think it was only a few hours, but it was pretty fun. Again, being that I have noone to play with and I'm homeless I'm still on the fence on if I'm going to really go through with the purchase. It's fun and awesome and all, but as something I'd play by myself... I don't know. It seems kind of sad playing an online game alone.
In the evening I got to play a new game with my online friends. Well, it's new to most of us. The game has been out over a year. We had a lot of fun, so that's good. It gives us something else to play online together.
I guess that was really it. I think I'll feel mostly all better in a few days, but actual recovery will likely take a week or more at the rate I'm going.
Day 1399 - 4/30 - General cold
Today I don't know if I'm really getting better, still sick, or have a new general cold. I still fatigue extremely easy, have a lot of congestion in my lungs, my eyes hurt, my ears are ringing, and I'm just sooooo tired all the time. I do feel much better than before, but fooooo I'm still bad. Of course with needing to always be up and about, not having a car and needing to walk everywhere, constantly being places that are bright and loud... these things at the very least aren't helpful.
Oddly I don't really remember much of today. I don't remember the morning at all. I think I updated my site and did a touch of research. I did my online work for my friend. And during my work shift my online friends that I play with were on, but I didn't have enough bandwidth to play. It was like 0.15 I think, when basically 2.0 or higher is required to be stable with games. Oddly though voice chat was mostly ok.
I guess all I can really hope for, as always, is that tomorrow is a better day.
Day 1400 - 5/1 - May day
Today I feel pretty good so far emotionally, but physically I'm still pretty wiped. I've got a decent amount of congestion in my chest and throat. I'm not coughing too much, but occasionally I do go into a coughing fit. I'm still wiped in terms of not having energy and being really sleepy as well.
I was thinking about if I should continue to post the Fail week Tuesday mornings. I don't know that it really matters to hold it or not. Thinking back there really hasn't been anything worthy of holding it. So, while I technically should save it so Tuesday is a complete day, not a partial, I can't even remember the last time it would have made any real difference.
I guess this week was a bit different what with my still being sick, the chat room incident, and my being super creative in making the soundtrack stuff. My new game with my friends is pretty fun as well. It's cool to have multiple games to play. Previously online friends have come from a MMOG, so when I stopped, or they stopped playing, I didn't really play stuff with them after that. Overall though, the regular life things still seem to be outside of my control.
