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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 4: on and on

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.


Week 203

Day 1415 - 5/16 - Lonely, but ok

Today really isn't much to talk about, much like most of my days. The far car guy never replied with times that are good, so I guess I'll not worry about it. I really wasn't looking forward to a 1.5+ hour bus ride (each way) for a car that was meh looking with high miles.

This morning started oddly, as the Internet was out at my morning place. Hopefully it's fixed before tomorrow morning when I'll be there again. With no car, going elsewhere is difficult. Yeah, there is a shop two doors down and the restaurant across the street, but neither have access to power since they don't open until 11, so I can only last 45 minutes tops before that. Normally I'm at the coffee shop for about two or more hours.

The rest of the day was lonely, in that I didn't get to play with friends. I haven't 'seen' my friends I like so much in about a week. I did chat with one via messages, so that was nice. I played my new game alone all day, which was more than I expected to play, but being that I played alone it was pretty lonely. (Though 'all day' was really only about 7 hours in three sessions. More than I probably would have played in a home, but less than the total hours I was out and about.)

Nothing really to say for today. My cold seems to still be lingering with some congestion, super tiredness, and occasional headaches / eye aches. Car people continue to be dumb and post things like "the car runs fine, but the clutch went out", or "there is something wrong and I don't want to take it to a mechanic to find out what it is". So, cars are still basically broken or super high mileage with terrible fuel efficiency. If I had $500 more it would likely put me into the next bracket and be a different story, but I have what I have. People who were going to help with that already have, so that isn't likely to change.

I guess all I can really do is hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 1416 - 5/17 - Magic hat with bunny

Today was very sad and lonely, but ended super happy. Again there was no Internet at the coffee shop, which is super annoying since I can't just go somewhere else quickly or easily by car. I did find enough to keep busy, so I suppose it wasn't completely intolerable.

One thing I tried to do was to, in effect, make a song. Having never made one before and knowing nothing about it in terms of rhythm or timing, it really didn't come out like I had in mind. I wound up scrapping the idea and just going with my standard 'sound clips with music in the background style'.

Once I got to the restaurant I had lunch, watched a show, and again spent all day alone playing Diablo 3. It was pretty fun. I had a good enough time. But, being alone, it was very sad. The odd thing was there were two people on that said they were getting the game to group, and are part of the regular online gaming people, but neither of them really said anything or offered to group. One even was complaining about how the game 'doesn't remember his progress' and said it kept dropping him. I was trying to explain that its randomness is good, and it's how the last game was, and that was not a limitation of his being online. He didn't listen. And he seems to have forgotten he was complaining about lack of connectivity and bandwidth like last week. I was like 'um... I've been on just fine for 3 hours now so far with no issues'. But he refused to accept that and said stuff like the game is sending "junk code" through his modem and "breaking it". I don't know what his deal is. He just seems to really be hating on the game for some reason. I think he's just not used to game launches this big. I mean this is a huge massive launch. Probably, I'd guess 10 or even 20 times the player count on other online games. It wouldn't surprise me to hear if there were several million trying to log in and play at the same time. Anyways... no sign of my favorite friends that I've been missing, and I'm not sure what's up with the two that were on not wanting to group. I guess they just wanted private time. *shrug*

In the evening I got the cutest magician's hat with bunny. One of my new friends sent it because he said I was always coming up with ideas out of nowhere, like magic, and he thought a magician's hat is a good home for a magic bunny. The magic bunny is held on with Velcro, so I freed him (he had a tag going through an ear to the hat as well), and now he is in my cloths bag safe and sound with my other bunnies. But the hat I'm worried about. I'll have to probably get a new bin to put it in and some other things that have been loose. But I always worry about nice things gained while homeless. I'm worried my ex-roomies will move it. (Thankfully they don't seem to mess with my stuff on the shelves, and with how sad I got last time stuff was moved, basically don't mess with my stuff at all.) I worry that I will forget something and never find it again. Things in my life now are easily forgotten. It's like my old stuff is remembered because it was there when I had a home, but new stuff, stuff I can only see briefly then it has to go into storage, that I forget about quickly. It's like my mind can only remember out of momentum, long-term memory as it were, things that were always out in the open when I was in my room. Now, it's like I have almost no memory. If I put something down I almost immediately forget where I placed it if it's somewhere different than 'normal'. It's like my mind knows and remembers what I was, but I can't remember what I am. I only know where things are if they are in their place, and if they aren't, or they are new or unusual, I am likely to forget. (Say, as example, putting a snack out, turning around, then turning back and knocking it over because I forgot it was there.) Someday my magic hat will be in its special and proper place in my home, and the small house charm necklace will be around my podcasting mic, but until that day I worry these new special things will be taken away from me as well; lost as inexplicably as my former self.

Day 1417 - 5/18 - Insanely priced shirt

Today was pretty regular. It was lonely and sad, as none of my friends were around. The only one I saw was the one who was complaining about the game. He was only signed in for about two hours (usually he's there all day) and he only played like one hour. So again, I really think it's his connection and not the game. Of four hours of my lay time I only lost connection once.

I saw someone had a shirt with a cool logo and I had to ask about it. It was an odd skull and crossbones in that it had bunny ears and bunny style teeth. I looked it up online and good God are they are pricy brand. The shirt the guy was wearing was at least $65. And shirts that were 'house shirt' style, like the one I recently paid $15 for, were $125+. That's just insane. Like four shirts is probably more than all of my shirts put together. How nice it must be for him to work at, I believe, one of the top 10 companies in the world to be able to afford a $65 shirt. I can barely imagine a world where I have a job that high paying and a life capable of buying (business) casual looking shirts that cost $65. I may be at the same coffee shop as that guy, or the same restaurant - I likely pass 150 or more employees with badges from that company in a day - but I am not in their world. They do not see me. They do not know who I am. I may be 'the guy in the corner who's always there', but I would be surprised if more than one in a day knew of my site or my podcast, or less. I would be surprised if any of them ever talk to me, even though I sometimes overhear them talking about gaming or movie stuff that I am also interested in. They live in a very different world from me - one I think I will never be invited to.

Day 1418 - 5/19 - Lonely and sad day

Today felt very lonely and sad, and became more so as the day went on. I suppose it started somewhat sad after uploading my podcast when I discovered that the "fixed" coffee shop modem had terrible ping and as little as half the average bandwidth of that location. (Which is about 1/4 the average of "fast" public wireless.) I didn't even try to play for a while because I knew it would be too unstable. As usual, I was depressed by the lack of car posts and that noone has responded to me. (This sadness grew throughout the day as I replied to two or three other cars and also did not hear back from them.)

At the restaurant I watched what I wanted to watch last night; the stream of my friend's podcast. Last night I had no bandwidth, so I really couldn't watch it live. I felt a bit lonely since noone showed up online, but I wasn't too sad, as people don't normally show up until 4 or 5.

I played Diablo 3 alone until about 4:30. It was pretty fun, I had a good time, but I kept hoping some friends would show up to play together. Noone did.

I decided to take a break for dinner. I watched two shows and still noone showed up to play. I was pretty sad by this point, as there was only 1.5 hours left before I had to go to the bus, and the time to find a car for the day had now long passed, as the bank was now closed for the weekend.

When I played Dungeon Defenders alone it felt so sad I almost shed a few tears. It seemed very lonely and very empty. Maybe it was because last time I played that level I was with my friends that I normally play online with and two others were in our chat and we were all having a good time.

I probably would have been less sad in a home, as I would have had other stuff to do. I think it was the combination of people not being around, and my being homeless and not having anything else I could do that made me sad.

I do not fault my friends. They are busy doing things with other friends, family, little ones, whatever. And I am happy that they have things to do and people to do them with. I guess I just miss... well... me. In a home alone is one thing, but alone while homeless... that is much harder I think. At the worst of times I feel like a bug or pest, something someone wants to shoo away. At the best, when I am alone, I feel like a shadow, something unseen and unheard. Not a part of the world, not a part of anyone's life. I feel stuck in time, isolated, and like nothing will ever get better.

Day 1419 - 5/20 - Today

Today seemed pretty sad. I was reminded that I'm homeless when I as at the restaurant when there was a reserved sign on my table. As I walked back to the counter to order food I asked if that was for today or if it were left over from last night. (I have to leave about 1.5 hours before close Saturdays.) The stick-in-the-mud manager confirmed that it was today. I said half-joking, 'Oh noes my table,' to which he responded, "They are everyone's table," which made me feel unwelcome and like I wanted to leave. For a while now he's seemed unfriendly and cold towards me compared to about a month ago when we would chat about stuff and he would laugh. It's probably just stuff he's dealing with, extra pressure or whatever, but still. It made me feel somewhat unwelcome.

I spent the day playing alone again for the most part. I got word from my nice friends they would be on. That made me super happy as I've missed them so much. It's been like a week and a half since we got to play, but by the time they managed to make it in we only got to play about 1.25 hours before they had to go. After that I was alone again.

There was a bee on the sidewalk this morning. He was upside-down flailing his legs in the air. I figured he would get up eventually, so I walked on. I decided maybe he needed help after going just 10 feet and turned and walked back. A few feet away another bee lay dead in the same on their back position. It looked like maybe they had been poisoned. I felt sorry for them and walked away. Again after just 10 feet I turned back. I got a leaf, picked up the bee after righting him, and placed him on the dirt near the plants. I don't know if he was hurt, poisoned, or what, but I felt it was important to give him a chance to feel better and get back home. He at least deserved a chance (instead of leaving him on the sidewalk to be possibly smooshed.)

With all of the sad events of today I held hope in the thought that it was just today. In the evening a different manager came in and he was happy to see me. He'd been gone for a few weeks on vacation. He's joked before saying there should be a plaque at my table I sit at saying it's reserved. (To which I replied that would be cool, but probably sad, as those are usually only done for dead people.) He knows I have nowhere else to go really and is in some tough times himself, so he is happy to know my being there and giving me a break helps me out. Also, my friends business is over, so they will be able to play a few nights a week again now, and they missed playing with me too.

So, as I often say, maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe my life being sad today is just for today.

Day 1420 - 5/21 - Extreme depression

Today I am extremely depressed. If I were doing a check-up survey for the study I was in years ago I likely would rate in the 'extreme clinical depression' category. Mostly I think it's just the constant piling up of everything that is sad in my life, and how lately things seem to be further crumbling around me.

I got word that last night I came off as... a big poo head in voice chat during online play, and that my friend is kinda mad at me because it upset his friend. I understand why they would feel that way from what he described, and I'm very extremely sad it came off as my seeming that way. It makes me sad to think my friend is sad, and that in a way he's disappointed in that I came off seeming like a poo head when meeting his other friend for the first time.

The only thing I can really think of is that what little of a routine I had is being more and more thrown off. I'm getting blisters on my feet from all the walking. I'm always kind of limping or tired walking simply because it is so much walking overall and my ankle is a bit stiff. I no longer have a bounce in my step because I no longer have short walking trips. I'm losing a lot of sleep from not being able to sleep in in a car in the mornings. What I have gotten lately has been plagued by terrible nightmares about my being homeless. Even with gaming, where I was starting to get regular time with people online again, has been disrupted a lot lately with people's schedules changing and extra instability at my connection points. What little bit of a routine I had is being more and more lost, and I think it's taking a greater and greater toll on me and my emotional stability. It is so bad that I could be recording now, but don't feel like it, nor do I feel like gaming or being social at all.

All I can do is continue to hope, as I always try to, that tomorrow is a better day. But it will not return to my normal routine. For good and for bad I accepted three extra work shifts during the week to cover for someone for a few weeks. So I'll be working all five weeknights and covering most Sunday morning shifts for at least a few weeks. That will certainly help with car money, but travel may be difficult and time consuming, as it is at the tougher to get to work location and will take 1.5 hours on busses to get there, and if I come back to my usual sanctuary upwards to 3 or more hours, with most of that time being walking. Once I get a car though that would be reduced to 15 minutes, so hopefully that will happen soon.

I try to remain hopeful though. I've found cars before, and I know that there are people out there now who do want and look forward to playing games with me. If I can manage to survive long enough to get a car, manage to survive and remain healthy long enough to re-balance a bit to my previous homeless levels, maybe then I can go back to something closer to a stable state.

Day 1421 - 5/22 - Don't understand

Today I'm still very sad about... well, everything. With a car my life would be a lot more balanced. I could go places without worry of time. I could consider different things, like where to eat, if I want to sleep in at the school parking lot, if I want to go to a movie. I guess mostly things will seem better and even out once I'm back in a car again.

I'm probably only really managing to hold myself together because I know nearly all of my sad issues are related to money. With more money I could get a car. With a car I can go to the store and sometimes buy cheaper food, saving money. I could go to interviews which are not in my immediate local area. Once I got more income I could get back in a home. In a home I could have a regular desktop again, regular landline connection again, watch shows and movies on a home entertainment system again. With all of that my life can become balanced once again and people will want to hang out with me more. I may even make new friends.

But as we come to the end of another Fail week I can't help but wonder... with no opportunity the chain of events to cause change cannot occur. And it seems, at least for me, whenever I do manage to reclaim a step forward I am knocked back down. I don't understand why. I don't understand why Fate does not let me move on. All I can do is hope that I am on the right path, and that my writing and ramblings help spare others the pain and sadness I have, and that others can live a better life because of it.

Week 204

Day 1422 - 5/23 - Failing work bandwidth

Today was ok I suppose. It seems to have passed in a blur now that it has passed, but it passed slowly while it was happening.

In the morning I played just for a little bit. I still really don't feel up to playing since I'm so sad and lonely. I watched a few shows too, some I'm getting a touch behind soon.

In the evening I had another extra work shift. I guess it passed easily enough, but work had zero connectivity. It's the location I work at on Friday, which has been slowly getting worse over the past year. Last night and tonight it basically couldn't connect at all. I was maybe connected for one minute out of each hour that I was there. I watched a movie I had a digital copy of and did some work on a podcast. Since there isn't much going on in my life there isn't much to it. It's only 8 minutes long so far, so hopefully I can think up more to say or it will either be very short Saturday or have to be held up for more content.

That's really it. I have been in contact with a few people on cars lately. One hasn't gotten back to me on their smog check and the other I'm supposed to see / do a test drive for. He's very close, along one of my bus routes just a few minutes ride from where I spend my day, so that's very convenient. I guess we'll see tomorrow, but I won't get my hopes up, as there have been so many failed car meets and so many that were deceptive postings. It wuold be nice if it worked out though. While not an awesome car, its an ok one of a type I've had before, so I know it's style is meh, but it works pretty good. It's not amazing, but tolerable.

That's it for now. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 1423 - 5/24 - Don't shift

Today was hopefully the start of a little recovery. The car from yesterday didn't sell, and it seemed ok when I looked at it and test drove it, so I went ahead and picked it up. Though it's odd because it's an automatic, and I've driven sticks most of my life, so I have to keep remembering not to shift. So, I have a car again. It's not great in the type. It's not one I would love. But it's a type of car I've had before, so I know it's pretty reliable. The paint is good. The interior is pretty great for cars in this price range. It still does strike me as odd that he sold it to me for $1,500 when the blue book value is $2-2.5k. I guess he didn't know the value. He said he didn't mind and would just rather sell it quickly. Normally someone blowing off upwards of $1k would throw up all kinds of red flags and I'd stay very clear of it. But, I looked this guy up on the Internet and he did apparently work where he claimed, that same top 10 company I won't bother to mention, and he's got 12 patents for firmware. I wouldn't be surprised if this guy made in one month what I make in an entire year, if not more. So, sure, the $500-1k is probably like a day's work for him, so I could see him thinking that it's not a big deal.

I took a full shower at work with all my scrubbing and scenting. (Though the scents in my stuff is very subtle. If it weren't it would make me sneeze, heh.) I don't know how long it's been since I could use the luffa-like scraping sponge on my feet, nor my other aftershave stuff. It's probably been the entire nearly 6 months that I've had no car. You would be very surprised how much better you feel when you can't do normal things and then suddenly you can again.

I also walked in to my regular food store again, without my backpack. Again, it' likely been 6 months. I didn't think of any food to buy at the moment, though I did later when I was at work, but it was very nice to be at my "regular" store, where I could rent movies to watch during my work shift. (Annoyingly one refused to play from about half way through on.)

Tomorrow I'll take my cloths to my regular laundromat, at the regular time. Saturday I can sleep in at school, and either Saturday or Sunday night I'll go see a movie. There are a few I'd like to see. At least now some re-balancing can begin.

Day 1424 - 5/25 - Almost a normal day

Today was almost a normal Friday. The big difference was that I decided not to sleep in at school. I had a store to shop at, so I did that. I didn't really feel tired enough to try to go back to sleep, though boy did I later in the day. I had time at the coffee shop in the morning and wound up doing some rabb1t things. I played for just a very brief while at the restaurant because I needed to leave earlier to do laundry. On the way to work I did laundry at the regular laundromat and watched regular laundry time shows.

For the last bit of the podcast I decided to talk about my most recent game watch article. Unfortunately something at work is malfunctioning and there was an odd distortion in the background. I also discovered how to make my voice work stereo without sounding bad. It turns out that a filter set in a certain way was partly causing the distortion. So, that was solved, and three of the Death D4 Dishonor soundtrack tracks got turned to stereo.

That was my day. It was almost a homeless normal. I didn't connect with friends at all, so that was sad. But then I expect I won't really be able to do that except on Saturday and Sunday. Tomorrow is my only day off, then another six days in a row where I work a shift. It's not bad though. It's only for 5 hours, and I do need that money for a car tune-up and could use some to have some kind of savings to speak of.

I have to post stuff right after I get up, mostly because I can, but maybe I'll try and get some extra sleep after. I have a feeling by the time I'm done with all the posting I'd only have one hour to rest, which really wouldn't be worth it, since I'd be unlikely to fall asleep in that short of a time. I'll sleep in Monday for sure. That will be my first big catch up sleep day. Oh poop. I guess not. It's a holiday, so school will be closed, so there will be no student cars in the lot. I guess Tuesday then.

Day 1425 - 5/26 - Happy to sad

Today went from happy to sad. I checked school and there was indeed noone there. The pool area wasn't locked, but with no cars I didn't want to stick around. I expect that will hold true Monday as well. I was ok with that, as I needed to post my podcast and some improved tracks for the Death D4 Dishonor soundtrack.

While it made me happy to know 'the fans' have some goodies, my day just got sad after that. Friends never showed up online. I played one game, then another, then watched some shows, then another game, then more shows, but I remained alone.

I suppose my day was better what with no real deadlines since I had a car. But with my current games seeming sadder without friends, the day just seemed pretty sad. Tomorrow I may go to a movie since I expect I won't see my friends then either. Though I may not. I've been feeling kinda bad with sniffling, sneezing, and head and ear aches.

I'll see what tomorrow is tomorrow.

Day 1426 - 5/27 - Seeing a movie

Today was a blur, but in a good way. It started pretty early with a morning shift. I wish I would have known people weren't showing up until noon though. I'd have taken a nap in the office. After, I went to the restaurant to play. My friends had come on very early for them and were actually on just before my work shift ended. They were still there when I moved to the restaurant, so we played for a few hours. They were getting hungry at that point and we decided to go to movies. (Obviously separately, as they live on the other side of the country.)

It was very nice to be able to see a movie in the theater again. I was pretty shocked as I saw it in 3D on oppening weekend and the theater was only about 20% full. As always I was the first to get a ticket and the first there. It was pretty fun, and I'm glad I didn't miss seeing it in awesome form, as I have a few others lately.

The day overall was kind of tainted with sad though. I guess it was three weeks ago now during my shift someone collapsed and in convulsions and we had to call paramedics and they rushed him off to the hospital. It looked pretty bad since he was convulsing and non-responsive. I talked to someone today and apparently the guy died. Not only did the paramedics not save him, but he was literally dead before he hit the floor. I guess he had a previous condition and a year ago had undergone major heart surgery, and this time his heart just gave out. I didn't know the guy, but I know he had a wife, as they had gotten a hold of her by phone. But the reason why this made me extra sad was this guy was not super old. He was, according to what I overhead, almost exactly my age. Now, I don't exert myself like that, and apparently this guy had a previous condition, and lived what I guess you could call a high-risk lifestyle (fast cars, extreme sports, etc.), but it made me sad. I have no sweetie. I have no little ones. I only have a few people who I know that care about me at all. I know I'm not in the same risk category as that guy, but what if? It would be sad to go now, with so many things missing in my life, even more so right now in particular while I'm homeless. I would like to have a sweetie again, little ones, though it is unlikely at this point they will be children of my own, and friends that I do regular stuff with again (movies, BBQs, gaming, etc.) But without a regular life, without social connections, these things may never happen for me. I would just be gone, and those few lives I do touch now through my site would quickly lose track of me, and likely quickly forget once the site is down. It seems strange to say, but as nice as it would be for people to care about me, I want to have these things to be a part of other people's lives. I suppose, more than anyone, I know how important it is to have special people in your life you care for.

Day 1427 - 5/28 - Resurging cold

Today I think my cold may be coming back very strong. I've been sneezing, nearly constantly congested, and really ridiculously tired. Also, I've got jaw pain, eye pain, and my ears are ringing. I should have taken a nap, but I just didn't have time or a safe place. I wonder if maybe this is a new cold from someone at the movies last night.

I guess, besides the sheer exhaustion, today was pretty good. I finished my silly tracks I was working on, did some rambling for my podcast, and my feet are starting to recover from the beating they have taken.

My main online friends were on tonight for a bit and work actually had enough bandwidth that we could play together and have a good time. Sadly I probably won't see them again until Saturday because the bandwidth at the other work location is so bad.

I guess that's it. I'm so completely exhausted. Hopefully I can sleep ok and get to sleep in in the morning if I need it. Last night I was so sniffly and had coughing that kept waking me up during the night.

Day 1428 - 5/29 - Feeling more sick

Today I'm feeling a lot more sick. I'm congested, coughing, sneezing, my tummy feels weird, I have chills, and most of my skin feels cold to the touch. If I don't feel better soon I'll make an appointment with the doc at school. Later I'll get some decongestants and hopefully that will help me recover.

It's earlyish, just after sleeping in at school and just after the restaurant opened. I'll just add this to the week and release it. I don't expect anything to come up later and with a work shift tonight a delay means not posting until tomorrow. There is new content for free for one of my games, so that should be fun, but that's about it.

I'm slowly starting to move back towards having a car things. I slept in this morning, and the past couple of work days I picked up a cheap movie rental to watch. It will be a while I think before I really settle back in to a homeless routine, if I ever do. Things are different now. Some things I won't need to keep doing, others I will. I guess my life is what it is and until I'm back and settled into a home it will always be unstable and in flux.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2012
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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