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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 4: on and on

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 189

Day 1317 - 2/8 - Another smile

Today was pretty uneventful. I spent most of my day playing my new game. I did pause to do the dumb homework, check for cars, check for jobs, and watched a few shows. No cars or jobs to reply to at all.

There was another cutie that smiled. One of the restaurant cuties was there in the evening and I gave her the candies and she was like, 'You're so sweet. ', and she hugged the candies and smiled.

That was really it. My game was super fun, but still, I'm so very sad I don't have a home to cook healthy foods, be warm, be freshly showered with clean laundry on, and game on a desktop without headphones. I've been having trouble sleeping again too. I was good a few days ago, but now it's back to difficulty getting to sleep and having bad dreams.

Ah well, my life spins out of control. As always there is no opportunity to change it. As always all I can do is escape to my games and hope it helps to keep me from going completely crazy.

Day 1318 - 2/9 - No face

Today seems odd. I wonder if I'm coming down with a cold. Most of the day seems little more than echoes of what's come before. I played my game. I looked for cars and jobs. I had class. I watched a few shows. The only thing really different was in the morning, when I went to get a song off of a CD, the disk drive button smooshed in. It seemed like it broke. I investigated and investigated. After I finally managed to get it open I noticed the face just pops right off by pushing in the tab things on the side. Looking at the button it wasn't actually broken. It seems to have two arms that go into little stick bit holders. However, there is nothing holding it down; no glue, no springs, no nothing. I put it back in place, but the button is a full 1/4" from the back. There is nothing stopping it from falling right off again. I wrote the company and asked for a new faceplate, or the bits to hold it, or what to do with it. They will likely tell me to return the entire laptop. I'll say no thanks, and just find some glue and glue the arms down myself. Until then my drive has no face. It's fine like that really; it's just exposed a bit. Looking at the other ports (USB, etc.) they were all super dusty. I still don't understand why the laptop manufacturers don't make soft rubber/plastic covers that flip over them when not in use.

Not a terrible day, but a blur of memories that would not exist in this form if I weren't homeless.

Day 1319 - 2/10 - Offline mode

Today was ok. The morning was spent doing regular stuff, the afternoon playing, and the evening doing rabb1t stuff and homework. I did discover that my new game must be connected online to be put in offline mode. It's the same dumb problem as Steam. It's like why can't it figure out to put me in offline mode automatically if it can't connect online? So dumb.

I finished podcast 42, barely. It's really frustrating having my few recording sessions blocked or otherwise cut short.

The limitations of my sad life seem extra sad lately.

Day 1320 - 2/11 - A bit chaotic

Today seemed a bit chaotic in terms of the number of activities I did. It started with lugging my laundry around to the local laundromat. While there I finished editing podcast 42 so it could get posted. I had barely enough battery to do it. I finished with like 7% left. I went to the restaurant and got a half-off cheezburger. I uploaded my podcast and checked for cars. There was another super cute tracker. Again it was seriously overpriced at 15% above perfect blue book value. There was mention of "a little oil leak", so I asked for details. Apparently the mechanic told him it would be a $400 repair. Yeah, that's probably not a "little" leak, and it's more than likely that's the real reason he's selling the car. I told him if he got it smoged and dropped to about $1500 (down from his original $1900, which was still about the perfect blue book price) I'd happily buy it if the oil leak repair was not an immediate critical need repair. I expect he will not change his price and likely just sell to someone who doesn't ask for details.

I played my game and watched some shows after. And that was really my day. Nothing special or interesting happened. Again, it was a day I tried to stay positive, tried to cling to what is left of my life, but nothing changed from its usual homeless state.

Day 1321 - 2/12 - Too many fries

Pretty basic day today. There were a few ok seeming cars, but I didn't reply because, as always, they were high mileage and greatly overpriced. (With notes of 'I fixed x, so the price is firm'.) It's sad that I got so much help back when I first lost the car to get back a replacement as quick as possible and I'm still not back in a car. I'm sure though people would rather see me in something safe than something that is likely to fall apart quickly.

I had to do more stupid class assignment re-dos. I hate that class. The teacher doesn't teach anything. It's like I'm supposed to do all the teaching to myself. All she does is correct assignments. There is zero instruction. With no book and no instruction this is the stupidest class ever. I don't understand why it's full credits when she is giving zero instruction.

It's been raining off and on lately. It's sad that things are going towards rain since I don't yet have a replacement car. But, I suppose overall the weather should be better quickly enough. Of course not having one greatly reduces the distance I can search, as well as any last minute work coverage I can do.

Well, as sad as things are I suppose it was an ok day. I had all day to myself to play my games and watch some shows. I am very thankful and grateful for that at least.

But still... my day is not normal. For lunch I was given twice as many fries as I should have gotten. My tummy would rather have had a very small lunch preceded by scrambled eggs, some bacon or ham, and a little bit of fruit. For play time I'd rather not have needed to wear headphones. And in the evening I would have liked to have stopped everything to cook a healthier dinner and settle in and watch a movie. I often did that on Saturday and sometimes Sunday once upon a time, but that is not my life anymore. The basic freedoms of the weekend are no longer mine. The options of fun, alone or with family or friends, are not mine to choose anymore. I have what I have. And it feels like so little of it is a choice I would make if I had other choices.

Day 1322 - 2/13 - On the horizon

Today was ok I suppose. I didn't do my school stuff, so it was just a day of looking through overpriced or broken cars and playing my game. The offline mode worked, so after a $2 movie rental I played for a bit at work.

Tomorrow the Mass Effect 3 demo should be out, which will be awesome. It's Valentine's Day as well, which I expect will be not as awesome. It is really no more or less sad than any other day though. Maybe it's because I've been single like 12.5 years now and I'm just used to, and expect to remain, single.

I have a test for the stupid class on Thursday. I'm not looking forward to it. With no book I'll be at a huge disadvantage for an open book test. But, I suppose, on the other hand I've occasionally been looking at HTML for the past 12 years, so it should be pretty basic stuff for me. I guess we'll see.

It's been raining lately, which is sad, but it's been off and on, so I've managed to stay dry pretty much all the time.

I keep forgetting there is a holiday and that I'm off next Monday. If I weren't homeless and without a car I suppose that may mean something. But in my current situation all it really means is a day's lost pay. Well, there is still a week left, so I will remain hopeful that I do get a car, and thus my options for the day may shift.

I guess that's all for now. As always, all I can do is hope that tomorrow is a better day.

Day 1323 - 2/14 - Wub day

Today is ok. I had class and I'm smiley from doing silly things in class. I'm the guy who says silly answers sometimes (in addition to the totally for teh serious correct answer.) The Mass Effect 3 demo just finished downloading. I want to play so much , but I have to let my peoples who wub me know how I'm doing first. For the moment I'm ok. But it's Valentine's Day, and I'm single. I'm still homeless. I'm still without a car. And things don't look like they are going to change at all. So, overall I'm still very sad. Life is the best I can try to make of it, and I try my best to keep moving forward each day. But it seems we are at the end of another week where my life is the same at the end of the week as it was at the beginning. I have my small pleasures, the little things I can try to cling to what's left of my sanity. But is it enough? I suppose only time will tell.

Week 190

Day 1324 - 2/15 - A virtual party

Today was ok I guess. In the morning I didn't play, but one of the gamers that works at the coffee shop chatted with me for a bit about games. I did my online work for my friend and checked for cars. There was a super cute car, but it had nearly 250k miles, which is crazy, and it was $1800 with a high blue book value of only $525. There is no way it's worth what they are asking. Apparently the owner had a bunch of work done and then sold it to the shop to sell, uh what? That makes no sense. Anyway, basically no cars or jobs to apply to. I did apply for one recently, but I think that was yesterday.

Something different did happen yesterday in the evening. If I had held the Epic Fail writing like I should you'd have read about it and not needed to wait a week. Anyways... Jenesee had sort of a virtual hang out and game playing Valentine's Day party. There were only four people there (and me), but it was cool to hang out and talk game stuff and listen in on them playing stuff. (I didn't have the games they were playing.) It was kind of odd though, because three of them are ones who's voice I hear every week on podcasts, heh. I didn't talk too much, mostly because I didn't want to torture them with the incessant background music, but also because they were good friends who were familiar with each other, so the rhythm of conversation didn't always leave me a pause to talk. I had a lot of fun and it was very nice to be 'at the party' and 'in someone's home' even though it was virtual.

It made me think about parties though, and being in someone's home in general. I think it's been probably over a year since I've been to anyone's home. It's possible it's been more recent, but I can't remember clearly. That's how long it's been. And, that was for a party where I didn't know really anyone save for the host. This virtual party was different because I sort of knew the people, and at least some of them sort of knew me (at least Jenesee, not sure if the others listen to my podcast.) It made me very happy to be included, but, as always, it makes me sad and I wonder if I will ever do that 'in real life' ever again.'

Speaking about if I will live to see something... I've been feeling bad again lately. My heart has felt... bad. Kind of like there is a bunch of congestion around it, kind of like it's just weak and tired all the time. I'm getting very worried about me. But there isn't anything I can do about my sleep, which has been terrible lately. I've been feeling cramped and messed up and not gotten to sleep for hours later than I could, nor is there much I can do about eating better. With no car healthier food options are very difficult under the best of conditions. The restaurant and store I go to for work dinner on Monday and Friday do have turkey options, so maybe I should try that. I have been doing lower calorie micro dinners, but maybe a turkey something now and then would also help. With all the extra physical strain from working, and no car to get around, good habits are next to impossible since my life is already so terribly limited.

Well, two tests tomorrow (both open book, which I don't have, and open notes), so I should try and at least rest, and hopefully sleep.

Day 1325 - 2/16 - From good to sad

Today I started out feeling pretty good, almost genuinely happy, but over the course of the day things became more and more sad. It started off with a bit of extra sleep, a very rare and extremely precious thing these days. I had some very odd dreams last night, but at least it didn't take half the night to fall asleep like it has lately. After I got a touch extra sleep I went to the ex-garage. I did some decent podcasting topics and I think it should sound ok. I didn't have much choice this week, as my last recording window was blocked, and Monday I'll have no chance because it's a holiday. With only on possible session I feared it wouldn't be enough. I left the ex-garage feeling pretty good.

When I'd settled in on campus to do some game playing and casual studying I was given a minor scare. The thingy tried to log me in when it was supposed to be in offline mode. I thought, "Well, crap, there went my 2 hour window." I decided to try and log in anyways and by some miracle it let me through. I went to offline mode as quick as I could before it lost connection and got to play and study like I had planned.

The test seemed super easy. Within the first few minutes people were rifling through their books. I finished the 10 questions in less than 10 minutes and people were still rifling through the books and their notes. If it was as easy as it seemed I got an 80-90%. I think I didn't get 100% because as I was on my way to the bus I thought back to an answer and I probably wrote it in reverse of what it should have been. I put, 'bla is not correct because it must start with a character.' When what I should have put is, 'bla is not correct because it cannot start with a number.' These are technically very different answers, as a number is a 'character' in the computer ASCII code set. So I got at least that wrong if that is indeed how I phrased it.

I had to do a second test in the evening for the stupid HTML class I hate. It was also open book/notes. However, I couldn't answer three questions, as one is something I don't know and two required a chart. That is so unfair. It's nearly 19% of the grade points that would be answered by the book in about 15-30 seconds per question. But, since I don't have one I'll be lucky to get a C on the test if he's not lenient about it.

But the thing that made me the saddest is how someone replied to a post I made. Someone mentioned cookies that were seasonal and that she missed them since it's not their season and I posted, 'Try this one, it's basically the same thing and you can get them any time.' Not many people know about it, so I always let people know when I see it come up. But my friend posted a reply that could be taken in two ways. The first is like, 'zomg om nom those cookies look tasty damn you for tempting me.' While the second way could be, 'quit being a creepy stalker and posting things to make people like the stuff you like.' Being that I'm so sad all the time and how I'm barely holding on emotionally I took it the second way. She probably means the first, but I may never know.

Overall today has just led me down a path of being very tired and sad about my life. I'm sooooo physically exhausted, especially on days like today where I have all this extra walking. I'm so messed up from not sleeping in a bed. I'm so messed up in health from not being able to eat right. An what with not really ever being able to relax or be free from stress I'm constantly worried and on edge emotionally.

Today is one of those days where I'm on a spinning playground thing and telling the other kids I want to stop and get off, but they keep spinning me and I can't get off because it never stops.

Day 1326 - 2/17 - Sad and ouchie

Today I am very sad. Last night I was more and more bothered by the cookie post incident that I deleted the post. I still don't know what I did wrong. I was so distraught by the event today that I went half way to Monday's bus location instead of Friday's, so I wound up walking like 5x as far as I needed. I got a small window to do podcasting, so I decided to finish and close out podcast 43. In it I tell the sad story of the cookie posting incident. I still feel very hurt and sad over the incident. In my normal state now I'm always needing to watch out, always having to be very careful about I guess trusting people to let me in and be friendly and close, and now intentionally or unintentionally one of the few people who I would say I'm close to kinda hurt me pretty bad. Nothing else has changed, so I still don't know what was meant by the post, but I'm like a nervous bunny who got a huge scare, and now I've run off to hide in the shadows in the corner until I know if it's safe to come out. But can I? Will it happen again? I don't know.

I'm still very worried about my physical health. I skipped my blood pressure meds this morning and probably will tomorrow too. Early on the bad feeling in my heart was likely a symptom of the early stages of kidney problems we found in my lab blood work, so if that's the case again maybe being off it a few days will help. I may also cut down to a quarter pill for a bit. It doesn't feel as bad now, but I still feel as if I have a broken heart. It's probably everything that is sad in my life adding up, but regardless of the cause it still feels like a broken heart, and I wonder if there will ever be anyone in my life that can really help me to mend it.

Day 1327 - 2/18 - Still my friend

Today started out pretty sad, but turned out ok I guess. This morning I was still super sad about the cookie post incident. I finished editing and preparing podcast 43 and put it up. (The background logo is again messed up, and 42 was still messed up even though I re-uploaded it. Though both show as ok everywhere that's not on my phone. I don't understand.)

I did my stupid lab for the class I hate and finally, after an hour, got it to clear the check thingy. I re-checked it and sure enough the thing said there were like 35 errors. I sent him an email basically saying F that, I'm not going to stress out over it anymore today and I'll deal with it tomorrow or next week. I already spent too much time on it. Seriously. I should not be required to spend 30-45 minutes making content for a class that's supposed to teach me design elements of something. The content should be copied and pasted and the design should be what is checked. This would be like someone in a science class for dissecting a frog needing to go out to a swamp and find and catch a frog. It's time wasted that has nothing to do with the goal of the class.

I tried to forget about it and spent some time playing my game and watched some shows.

I got word from my online friend about the cookie posting incident. She heard the podcast and was super sad, sorry, and worried. She indeed meant it as a joke and was very sorry it hurt my feelings by my perceiving it as an attack. We talked for a bit and I'm not sad about it anymore. I am still a bit worried. My feelings did get pretty badly hurt by the misunderstanding. I'm worried it could happen again in the future. Not with her, as she said to just ask if I question things, but overall I worry. I am still in a very sensitive place and anyone can post something like that which could seem like an attack against me. As I say in the podcast, it can sometimes be very easy to misinterpret stuff people say if they aren't careful.

But I'm very happy my special online friend is still my friend and it was just a huge misunderstanding. I feel much better now.

Though... my heart still feels broken overall. I still worry about that. I don't know if it's medicine related. Maybe if it still feels bad when school is back on after the holiday weekend I should make an appointment at the clinic or something. Though I don't know if any symptoms will show up. It may just be my overall bad physical health and stress and sadness getting to me. I don't want to die. I want to get better and have a regular life again.

Day 1328 - 2/19 - Bathroom trips

Today I felt kinda sick. I made a lot of trips to the bathroom because... well, my tummy wasn't really happy with what I was eating and it was going through me pretty quick. My heart still feels bad. Feeling my tummy area I feel fatter again, and I have difficulty bending over and doing simple things like breathing while scratching my toes. I'm sure I'm not much over 215, if that, but it wouldn't surprise me if I am heavier again. I'd just started going back to 190 and under from the first car loss when I lost this last one. Hopefully I can find one soon and get some better food and get my health under better control.

My online friend and I were talking regular online again today, so things seem back to ok there. I'm still very worried about me emotionally and physically, but until I'm not homeless anymore things likely will remain in an overly sensitive state. If I could get back in a car and get more work hours to get more income that would certainly help things though.

I played my game quite a bit and tried to relax and have fun. I'm still getting stressed out over this stupid class I hate and more stupid assignment stuff that was giving me trouble. I'm very tempted to spend the $150 on a current student version of Dreamweaver so I have an HTML program that isn't using legacy code. (The one I have was bought in like 2000.) That way when I get frustrated I can just do the assignment in that, strip out the unwanted stuff, and boom I'm done. I really have that very high on my list, but it really needs to be saved until I get a car.

I guess that was it for my day. Nothing really got better or changed in my life.

Day 1329 - 2/20 - 90%

I guess I feel okish today. Nothing really happened. I spent the day at the restaurant playing my game, watching some shows, looking for cars, and checking for jobs.

Things are settled back to normal from the cookie post incident, so that's good.

The grades for the stupid class mid-term were ready. As expected due to the stuff I couldn't answer due to not having a book I got a C. However, it doesn't seem to have really affected my overall grade, as it's showing a 90% total so far. Still, it's upsetting to see the average at quick glance was closer to 95% and nearly everything I could have gotten wrong would have come straight from the book. Well, just grin and bear it for the assignments and I'll be ok I guess.

That's it for today. Though nothing good (or bad) happened today it was nice to be able to play my games somewhere and know that my online friend is still my friend.

Day 1330 - 2/21 - 90% the second

Today has been ok so far I guess. I'm sooooo very tired though. As usual for being homeless without a car, there are few to no times I get to sleep more than a handful of hours. No sleeping in until 10 or 11 when I would otherwise naturally get up. Though I've been needing to get up at around 6 to 7 for so many years now I wonder if my old sleeping times would still exist at all.

Nothing really special for today. I got the test back for the class I like. I got 90%. I missed one of ten questions. It wasn't the one I thought though. It was one that had a phrasing that made it sound like it was asking something else. Apparently most thought as I did. Ah well. It's 1% of the total class points, no biggie.

I hung out with the class friend before and after class. He's funny because he's so young and energetic and obsessive about whatever he's obsessive about this week. hehe (He was saying how it was weird that many in his guild are "old" and "in their 40s" and they are "so different from him because they are parents and grandparents". I decided to say nothing. He knows my site and podcast, but apparently hasn't discovered my age or that I'm homeless yet. I'll leave that unsaid for him to deal with in his own time. I think if I just flat out said it he'd be shocked and things would be weird at least for a while.) I'm still not sure why he hangs out with me. I guess I'm the only friendly person he knows at this time on these days.

Nothing on job or car news. And with being settled at the restaurant now nothing is likely to happen. It would be nice to talk about a new love interest, or a job offer, or a big change in my life, it's why my writings are potentially interesting, yeah? Alas, no such change this week. As always it basically seems to end like it began.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2012
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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