Week 197
Day 1373 - 4/4 - Piecing it together again
Today was decent. It's nice to not have class stuff to worry about. It would be nice if I earned enough I could consider stopping. I suppose I could keep the wolves at bay if I did, but there would be other consequences. (Like, how would I find a job if my current experience hasn't gotten me one already, how would I afford the $75+ a month for the bus since I get a pass for free from school, etc.)
I've decided to do a secret editing job for my friend's podcast. I'm basically taking 10 podcasts and making a summary for those not keeping up with the podcasts. It's something they said they kind of wished they did before, but none of them had time. With no school this week and nothing to listen to I've got a few hours a day where I really don't have anything more important to do.
I played my online game a few hours with my friends. I don't play by myself with strangers that much anymore because I get pretty easily frustrated with them, and lately it's like I'd rather just wait and play with my friends.
I added in one of the other exercises I used to do to my mini-workout. It's more of a repeated stretch than a strength building thing, but I think it works several parts I'm not happy with. I'm still not back to even one full cycle of the routine I had before I was homeless, but I'm slowly putting it back together one piece at a time.
I guess it was an ok day, though, as usual, there were no jobs or cars to really apply to, and of those I did, noone replied.
Day 1374 - 4/5 - Good day
Today was a rare good day. It started with fun, but slow fun, as I was editing some podcast stuff for a surprise for friends. It seems odd that editing is fun to me now. Not that it wasn't before, just not something I ever saw myself really doing. I did a bit when I was young on a tape recorder. And in my early 20's I used to make sound samples from TV shows and movies. So I guess it's not completely surprising I like digital editing.
In the sort of mid-evening my online friends showed up to play and we had a lot of fun. 
They said that a something will arrive for me in the morning. Whuuut? My guess is it's a bunny day something, but I won't know until the morning.
Still no luck with cars. I even looked about four times as frequently today. Nothing. There were a few prospects, but they were too far, too broken, or had dumb things like, "only reply by phone, serious inquiries only." Which really translates to, "you must be willing to pay my asking price and not care that things are broken that I haven't listed." I was really hoping to find something this week what with the restaurant being closed Sunday. It's getting tougher overall to be without. I suppose it's still possible with two days left, but it's very unlikely.
I guess that's it for today.
Day 1375 - 4/6 - Surprises
Today was a bit odd, but good. Some online friends who are becoming 'real' friends sent me a somethings, so I spent about an hour waiting for it this morning. It never showed up in that time, so I made my way to go about my regular Friday routine.
I had a few hours at the restaurant and I spent pretty much all the time doing a special podcast project for those friends. When I got to work I did some stuff for podcast 50. I couldn't really think up much to say, so instead of being long and full of extra stuff like I expected, it's short and really kind of empty. There are really just a few people talking to me at all about them, so it's pretty hard to come up with topics to talk about.
Later in the evening I mostly had enough bandwidth to hang out with some online friends. Some only knew of me, as it were, so they were surprised to 'meet me', even though it was only very briefly. It was super exciting and fun , but sadly I really lacked the bandwidth, and I can't ever be guaranteed stability from either work location.
Still no cars or jobs. I know I've never been good at finding things like this, but I still feel like I'm being punished in some way. I know my place. I know the things that make me happy. Why can't I have the freedom to do them? 
Why can't I have enough support to do them 'as a job'? All I can do is keep hoping, and maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
Day 1376 - 4/7 - Friends
Today was pretty good. I got to see what it was my friends sent me. They sent two movies. They were collection type movies; things I'm getting for the sake of having more than because they are new and cool. One replaces one that I had in a collector tin, and the other is a Blu-ray up-conversion of something I probably haven't seen in like 20 years.
It seems strange to think of online friends turning to 'real' friends. It's been so long since I've had people in my life who didn't know me as just the online me. We each have several different selves, and I only have a very small number of people who know me as more than just the one online me of all of my many selves. (Though really there is only the online me, the real world me, and the at work me, since the romantic me and with friends me doesn't really exist since I'm alone in those areas.)
It was very cool to get a bunny day surprise. I don't know exactly why he sent it, but I think it was as a thank you for doing various fun and friendly things, sort of appreciating the rabb1t work type things as it were, but also because we are becoming 'actual / real' friends.
It seems so foreign, and wonderful, to be forging new friendships again after so many years of being alone and only having fragmented friendships due to them just covering one small portion of my life.
Day 1377 - 4/8 - Lows and highs
Today is a day of lows and highs. It started last night at about 3:30 AM. I was sound asleep hiding in a sanctuary when I was startled awake by a very loud and unfamiliar machine noise. This wouldn't have been so bad by itself, but I think in the last few seconds of my sleep it permeated into my dream. In the dream I was shocked back to where I was in real life, but terrible things were happening. The corner of the room had been blown up and burrowed into by this machine, and a crack in the floor had opened up. I knew it went to Hell, and a demon had appeared from the crack (about 9' tall and pure black) who was grabbing at me and dragging me in while the machine still dug away at the corner and opened the crack further and further. I awoke panting and terrified to my core because the noise didn't seem to stop. I waited for what seemed an eternity, wondering what was happening as things were still as dark as ever. No discernible lights or signs could be noticed pointing towards the origin of the noise. After probably what was really only about 30 seconds, the sound stopped as mysteriously as it had started. I would guess it took me 15 minutes to calm myself back down and conclude that the machine must have been something automated that was accidently left on that hadn't been before. It probably took another 15-30 minutes to get back to sleep, during which I cried a few tears because I was startled so badly and I am so sad that I am in such a position; that things in my life are so out of control, out of whack, and that after nearly four years I am still no closer to recovery, I still am not somewhere that I am welcomed, and I am still not somewhere that has even a medium level of predictability and normalcy.
Sometime last week, I forget when, maybe it was two weeks ago, I told one of the people at the restaurant that I was there, in great part, because I was homeless. He replied something like, 'You may take this the wrong way, but why is it everywhere I go there is a nice homeless guy? You know, the person who seems totally normal that you can talk to. You are here, and where I was before in a different town there was one too.' I guess it's good to know that, at least on the surface, my fears, worries, and troubles cannot be seen by others. I do not wish my sad story upon anyone who is not ready to understand it and take good things from it into their own lives.
My day was actually pretty good being bunny day and all. 
It started with an extra work shift that was totally empty. There is a soccer group of young kids for most of the shift on Sundays, but they didn't show up. So, for 2/3 of the entire shift I was alone with decent Internet connectivity. After work I went somewhere and had ok connectivity. I played my online game with my friends for a few hours I think, then they had to go. In the evening I went to a fancy dinner with monies my friends sent. I actually only spent 2/3 of it, so I still have a small bit left, but most of all it was a nice surprise that dinner was less expensive than I expected.
But now it is sad again. I am hiding for the nigh, where in a home I would still have 3 more hours of play time before I even really began to get tired. I am again worried about 'am I really safe' at night, 'is my routine still somewhat stable, predictable, and will I be ok here'. But most of all I still wonder if I will make it through these terrible trials at all.
Day 1378 - 4/9 - Things in the dark
Today was ok. It was very nice to be back to a normal routine where I don't have to worry about what is closed where. In the morning I found some news to read for my site, so I spent some time going over that. I still really wish I had the freedom to do my rabb1t life full time so I could have a calendar and stuff in my 'work area' to keep better track of things. After, I did my online work for my friend. It's cool that I'm still doing that, as I'm beyond the point I'd had that income in my budget, assuming I'd move on or it would have changed in a way I could no longer do it. So, it's nice to know there is still that extra bit of income.
I only had a few hours at the restaurant, but I had a good time there watching a show and playing my game a bit.
Work was ok. I had connectivity, so I played a bit more with online friends until they had to go. After, I did some rabb1t stuff in the time before close. Oh, I did do a bit of recording before, but I didn't edit it yet.
Things in the dark seem extra scary. Once upon a time I welcomed the night. I was a shadow among shadows and moved unseen and unheard. I was no different than any other night creature. But now that I'm homeless I have too much stuff with me, too many things to worry about, too many things to lose if caught. Now I fear that which I was once a part of. I don't know that I miss it, but I do know I don't like the uncertainty, the sadness, or fear that may accompany the night now that I'm homeless.
Day 1379 - 4/10 - Probably sick
I'm probably sick. There is a lot of congestion in my throat and lungs and I have a bad cough. Someone was in the coffee shop on the weekend coughing her guts out and I probably cought it from her.
I have new classes today, so that starts in the evening. I'll let people hear about it tomorrow and not hold up the week's posting. I doubt it would be worth holding for.
Today some Mass Effect 3 multiplayer stuff came out, so I'm totally looking forward to the new characters and maps. Guild Wars 2 had their pre-purchase offer starting as of today, so I did that too.
Besides being pretty sick, today seems promising so far.
Week 198
Day 1380 - 4/11 - Another terrible class
Last night's class set a terrible president of things to come. The teacher is terrible. It's as if she took a mace and did this crazy finishing move to a dummies head and then asked, "So, everyone understands how to fight with a mace now? Everyone get it?" Um, no, crazy lady. This is the first class and you did 10 things in 3 seconds, so noone gets it. On top of that she is forcing us to stay for the lab the entire time. Meaning I lose not only the 1.5 hours extra of class that I'm forced to stay for, but an hour after that of waiting for the bus. I tried complaining to the head of the department, because some of us don't like being forced to spend 1.5 hours in a room with 30 people all doing stuff, which is extremely distracting and not at all an environment for studying, if I even chose to study at that hour. Apparently it's unavoidable. Next quarter lab time will be optional, but not now, and this dumb teacher is sticking to that.
Today I'm very sick. I've had heavy lung and throat congestion a few days now. As of yesterday I have had a bad cough. This morning I probably had a fever, and it certainly felt like I had chills. But there was nothing I could do. I have no home to sleep in at. I have no car to rest in. I had to get up like it was any other day and go do regular things.
I am a bit better now, but I still feel pretty terrible.
I tried to be restful today. I did get to play my game most of the day, so I suppose that was good. More than anything I wish I could have slept-in in a bed, been able to watch TV very quietly when I felt too bad to be at the computer, and been able to eat better / healthier foods to try and get better.
A sad day that is a sad reminder that I have no control in my life. While I can do some things to stay in good health and get better, it is likely more in Fate's hands how sick or well I am, as I have no control over my environment or people in it.
Day 1381 - 4/12 - Feling worse, feeling better, feeling worse
This morning and last night I was feeling pretty terrible. I still feel like I was feverish and had chills. And I had really crazy dreams. (Which is not uncommon when I have a fever.) I was actually coughing so bad that I spazzed out a muscle along my ribcage and that hurt every time I coughed for the rest of the day. Since I have no car to sleep in or rest during the mornings after I leave the sanctuary I went to the store and got some medicine.
When I got to the restaurant I took a second dose and was feeling better. If I stretched out before coughing to put my chest into a 'don't bend' position when coughing I could carefully cough without hurting myself. The fever seemed to settle a little and the chills were basically gone. I skipped school and rested as best as I could. I drank probably double or triple the normal amount. I was supposed to not drink so much soda, but part of me seemed to want it to keep me revved up to fight my congestion.
My fever has time things confused. Things that happened days ago feel as if they just happened. Like the other day the manager person at the coffee shop said people are still mentioning me in reviews they do for the shop, even though I'm not there as much these days. It feels like it happened this morning though. I still feel his light touch on my shoulder to get my attention as if it just happened.
In the evening as the cold night came it began to rain again I started feeling worse again. My cough returned a bit and some of the difficulty breathing returned.
I suppose it was an ok day besides feeling super sick. I watched my friend stream her podcast and played my online game most of the day. I only got to play a little with online friends, as they were mostly all busy.
I'm still not sure why I have so little support in my life. I guess it's how I've always been really - alone and independent. It still seems odd that people see me as different, and sometimes unique, and yet I'm still homeless, missing so many things everyone else takes for granted on a daily basis.
Day 1382 - 4/13 - Congestion
Today I started getting super congested. It's like the fever/chills has changed into congestion/ear screeching. The coughing got worse and worse as it passed through last night into today. By the afternoon I was coughing up yuck. It seems to have settled a bit for now, so maybe I'm finally starting to get better.
Today was fairly disappointing. I didn't get to play much because people kept being stupid and trying missions higher than they should, or would leave in the middle, or simply didn't know what they were doing. It was frustrating. My friends were busy, so they really weren't around.
During work I wanted to be online to watch a friend stream something, but it only held for about 30 minutes, then I effectively couldn't stay connected anymore for the rest of the night. I guess it was ok as there was other stuff I could do.
Today though I really just wished I could have slept-in in a bed, had a chicken soup and plenty to drink, a hot shower to try and decongest myself every few hours, and a warm and quiet home to keep my senses not over stimulated. But that was not to be. Today my body was as out of control as my mind often feels about my situation in life.
Day 1383 - 4/14 - Messed up by medicine
Today I started out pretty bad. I was still coughing a lot, still had what seemed a bit of fever, and for the most part my brain really isn't working. As the day went on my cough settled, possibly in part due to being very thorough about taking cough drops to prevent coughing. I still hurt tons when I do. But I wondered as the evening approached if I was getting to the point that the medicine was messing me up more than my cold. If I get through the night without too much trouble, and feel better in the morning, I'll drop to half of the medicine I took today. Hopefully I'll start feeling better soon. Recovery from illness with no home and no bed to rest in is difficult under the best of circumstances.
Besides my being sick I guess today was ok. I got to stay at the restaurant and had ok time before it. I uploaded my podcast, and even did a few other things for people. I played my online game for most of the day, but sadly I didn't really see my online friends. Only one was on, and only for about an hour. The rest of the time I was left to random groups. Only a few were good, most were just farming gold level missions, or just frustratingly bad. I'm sticking to my opinion that they should change gold levels to force random maps and random bad guys. In more than one gold that I did players only managed in one spot on the map. Several times they wiped if they were forced to move. Which means they really were not ready for gold level. Just because you can do one map from one spot against one bad guy doesn't mean you are deserving to play at that level. Sure, they have to "start somewhere", but I don't think being able to win under 1 condition out of say a possible 100 should grant them the same rewards.
Very sick. Very tired, exhausted even. My eyes hurt. My ears hurt. My ribcage hurts from too much coughing. I'm so sniffly.
I suppose though, things could still be worse.
Day 1384 - 4/15 - Sick and sad
Today I'm still pretty sick and very very sad. Today I really wanted to sleep in, to have someone who cared for me check in on me, bring me soup, to be able to take hot showers to try and decongest myself, to be able to nap if I need, but most of all to have a quiet, controllable, and comfortable space I could rest in.
While I suppose I am getting better, with mostly just a seemingly non-soothable tickle feeling in my throat where cough drops nor drinking can reach, today was one of those days where I feel very alone. There was not someone who checked in on me. There was not a bed to rest in. There was just me caring for myself. I wonder, should I live the remaining 40 plus years I have estimated left, will I remain alone that whole time? Will I ever find love again? Will I ever have people who care about me around me? Or will I always be as I was today, alone. Will I always go into coughing fits and there not be anyone to hand me a drink or medicine? When my end does come, will I be alone with noone to care, and noone to notice that I'm gone?
Today feels extra sad and lonely.
Day 1385 - 4/16 - Still sick
I'm still very sick. I'm mostly better, but my throat still has that strange tickle, congestion, cough, and I'm very very tired. I get exhausted whenever I do anything. And I'm very... irritable I guess you could say. I'm very hungry, which is new, but at lunch I barely touched my food. (It took hours to eat what normally takes 15-20 minutes.)
Due to my exhaustion and simply not wanting to waste hours and hours at night I'm considering not going to class tomorrow. The thought of three hours with a bad teacher and forced lab is not in the least bit interesting. I'm considering seeing if there is the possibility of dropping since lab in future quarters would not be forced. That alone would be a huge change. I recall there being some rule with financial aid I couldn't ever drop classes. But then, that may be for aid I don't qualify for anymore. I'd be out like $50 if I didn't get my money back. But I don't know, I really dislike the teacher, and the forced time in lab is fairly unbearable. I think it will really depend on how I feel tomorrow in terms of my cold.
Today was again pretty sad. Really again all I wanted was to be able to sleep-in in a bed, rest, have the foods that would help me get better, but most of all be surrounded by peace and quiet (not out in public with blaring music, overly bright lights, and people constantly around me.)
Some aspects of my life that are worse than usual don't seem that bad. But then, as I have so often wondered lately, I wonder is this really all I have left? Is this all there will ever be for me?
Day 1386 - 4/17 - More sick
Today has been a weird day for my cold. I sort of felt better for a bit, but now I feel kind of worse than before. I'm so exhausted. Going any distance, even just from my table at the restaurant to the bathroom exhausts me. My cough has settled, but my tongue feels really weird. (Half like it's asleep, half like it's been wrinkled in a bath.) There is a dry flakey feeling in the back of my throat, but it's surrounded by yuck that comes out if I sneeze. I'm really hungry too, but when I try and eat I eat about half of normal then feel very full. I never actually finished lunch (there are a dozen uneaten fries) and of my soup and grilled cheese sandwich I had for dinner half of the sandwich has sat here untouched for the last hour. (Though I'll eat it soon I think.)
I told my professor there really is no way I could make class tonight. She basically said, 'too bad, drop class.' I've started talking to financial aid about it to see if dropping changes anything in terms of qualifying for the fee waivers that I do. I'll probably hear back on that tomorrow since they are already closed today. I already have the bus pass, so that covers through June if need be. I'll order the parking sticker too, which covers until I think late August after Summer is over. (Even though I have no car now, school is where I sleep in, so it's important to get since parking is $2 per visit, while the sticker for all those months is only $15.) I would feel weird dropping. It will be nice to be rid of the professor and her inflexible and uncaring ways. I am unlikely to learn well from her anyways even if I stick with the class. And she would be docking me 5-10% of my total grade if I don't, which is ridiculous. But, it would seem odd to be free. It would be the first time in not summer that I've not had classes in like 12 years. I know it's not giving up on me if I do, particularly since it could still be a while for me to really recover what with my sad life what it is right now. I am still trying and determined to find something to find at least a normal life again. But it would be, at the very least, weird.
Just spent a little time playing with an online friend, though my favorite friends haven't been around in a while. I miss them. That, plus my sick, plus my sick reminding me of everything I'm missing in life... I'm a very sad bunny this week.
