Week 947
Day 6623 - 8/19 - No alarm
Today was odd. Apparently I forgot to set an alarm to get up, so I got up about 1.5 hours later than I would have. Which is good, since I would have lost about 1/3 of my sleep if I hadn't. Thankfully I got up and moved around my night spot and everything looked normal. There were no signs of potential trouble of my leaving much later than usual.
I got to the library just as it was opening, so in theory my day could have gone as normal. But maybe because I was tired, probably more due to my feeling very different lately due to my birthday tomorrow, my times I did things was way off and the day was weird.
I guess all in all it wasn't a bad day, just a strange one, where my brain still felt distracted and did non-standard things.
Day 6624 - 8/20 - No surprise birthday
Today had no surprises. There was some well wishing on the social page, so that was nice. But there were no surprise gifts, and no word from my ex-roomie about any card in the physical mail. I was super exhausted from a lack of sleep since I'm still losing some, and a bit sad. I think if you are alone in life at times like your birthday you look back and ponder what you have lost or miss, where if you have family and loved ones you are probably far more likely to look ahead to the days that are yet to come. I suppose all in all it wasn't really a bad day; more neutral than anything else.
Day 6625 - 8/21 - Not Saturday
Today all day there has been a 50/50 chance my brain has thought today was Saturday. I don't really know why. It doesn't matter though really. The day was ok I suppose. I am still very distracted with things my brain is fixated on due to my birthday and another year gone. I guess the day wasn't bad even though I did a lot of unusual things. I barely played anything. And while I was a tough creative it was really just theoretical creative, not actual production of anything. Oh, well, I almost forgot, I did do my podcast and podcast video, so I guess there was that. But I guess if my brain is distracted and needs a break then that is what I will do.
Day 6626 - 8/22 - Tired and weird
Today I have been feeling weird. I think it's a combination of not great food and having a donut. I almost never get them now, maybe once every other week, and each time it seems to wreck my system more than the last time. I guess my system has changed quite a bit from cake dessert every other day and donuts about 5 times a week, and bread 3 times a week to having no cake, donuts very rarely, and bread once about every 1.5 weeks or less. I've lost at least 12 pounds in the past 4-6 months I've been doing this. Which is good because I seemed unable to lose it during my previous attempts.
I'm exhausted though. The past couple of nights I've again lost about 1/3 of my sleep for unknown reasons. Today several times, and yesterday too, I've had thoughts of my end. It terrifies me and has put me on the edge of tears and shaking from fear. Thankfully it just does for a moment, but it makes me very sad and very afraid.
Day 6627 - 8/23 - Feeling a little better
Today I'm feeling a bit better emotionally. I still feel unstable, like one bad scene in something I'm watching or doing could send me into a panic spiral and shaking over worry of my end. I don't know what to expect for the day, but hopefully I can try and relax and continue to start to feel better.
Day 6628 - 8/24 - Maybe reset Monday
Today maybe I can rest a bit. Maybe I can go back to doing extra walking in the morning for better health. Maybe I can feel better emotionally. And maybe I can get more sleep.
Day 6629 - 8/25 - Maybe better vision
Today maybe my vision will be getting better. Lately I've still had more bad vision than good, but there have been a few times where for, at least a little while, they have gotten clear like they were once upon a time. But hopefully things can be just a little better today than the days before.
Week 948
Day 6630 - 8/26 - Headache
Today I had a bit of a headache, so I was a little bit differently creative working on hobby stuff just for me. I almost did pen and paper stuff the past couple of days, but was borderline not feeling it, so I took the time off since I 'd seen word someone who has a lot of 'weight' as a designer posted they were working on something sort of similar to my current stuff. I got depressed and felt like 'why bother if I stand no chance against a known person.'
It's now several days past my birthday and I have gotten no word from dad, no email, and no physical mail. I suppose there is still an astronomically low chance he yet lives, but since his system doesn't he has no access to my info, but that seems unlikely. I would think he is a kind of 'print a sheet of labels' kind of guy, or write it down old-school style. So it still seems the most likely he is gone, and I may never know exactly when or why. I suppose it doesn't really matter, mostly I worry if it was some genetic thing I may carry. I don't have my cousin or aunt's info and honestly I don't care to find them if they haven't bothered to try and find me in the past 30 years, so I have no alternate way to find out.
I guess other than a headache bordering on migraine, today was ok. I wonder if it was just regular reasons or something weird triggering it like not the best lunchmeat.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but hopefully I can continue on, and hopefully all the things can maybe be better than they were before.
Day 6631 - 8/27 - Blind
Today my vision was really horrible. It was so bad at my normal sitting distance from my laptop I couldn't read at all. I was even leaning in, so I was only like 1 foot from the screen to see smaller things clearly. Needless to say any possibility of creativity went out the window.
I guess it wasn't a terrible day though. Food was ooooook. I played a little, watched some extra shows, and though I couldn't focus visually or emotionally, I got through the day ok.
Day 6632 - 8/28 - Still blind
Today I still pretty blind, though not as bad as yesterday. It was bad enough though that it killed my creativity and desire, and even my ability, to think. I don't know if that is depression caused by frustration of not being able to see clearly or the reverse in that when I can see clearly I get excited about things and feel happy. Either way, I didn't play much and watched extra shows and just tried my best to hang on emotionally today.
Day 6633 - 8/29 - Fighting exhaustion
Today I was fighting exhaustion and being able to stay awake. A few times I was on the verge of passing out. The past maybe three nights there have been noises and stuff that kept me up, as well as noises in the night scaring me awake if I was asleep. I've likely lost half of the sleep I could have gotten each night.
I had a strange dream about my dad coming to visit me and giving me a ton of money. In the dream he explained his system had died and he couldn't contact me. Out of curiosity I tested sending him an email again. And, as expected, it again bounced due to his email being full.
I suppose even though I could barely stay awake, and couldn't really do anything because of it, it wasn't really a bad day.
Day 6634 - 8/30 - Sad distractions
Today my blurry vision and lack of sleep has made me pretty distracted. I guess it's ok. I am not needed for anything and can take a break. Maybe Tuesday, after another eye poking on Monday, I can try and reset again and get back to doing pen and paper stuff.
Day 6635 - 8/31 - Another poking
Today is another poking. This is supposed to be a less invasive one, so much less poking or maybe none at all. That would be nice if it were basically just drops from now on. I can only continue on one day at a time with what it presents in all things, and maybe someday I can go back to not worrying about things so much and find a new balance point.
Day 6636 - 9/1 - Maybe reset a bit
Today maybe I can reset a bit. Maybe my vision will be better. Maybe my focus will be better; both physically and emotionally. Maybe I can do some pen and paper stuff. If not, maybe I can do other creative stuff. Hopefully I can be back to getting some more regular sleep.
