Week 943
Day 6595 - 7/22 - Still nothing
Today there has still been no response from dad. There are still a couple of days before I officially call phase two done, but if I get no response at all that will leave a big mystery. I will have to assume he is gone, but if so, why would there be no response from his wife? Why no return to sender on my card?
My eyes are still refusing to focus, even on my up close laptop stuff. I'm having to lean in at times to read and such. I still wonder if it's not just bad vision, but also an outdated prescription. Often if I squint, and pull on the sides of my eyelids to smoosh my eye the vision clears up, sometimes a lot. I don't know what that means, but it seems like my contacts should be better if I can do that.
Of course with bad vision came the inability to focus at all. So again today was lost to a lot of nothing videos and not much playing, let alone any pen and paper creativity because I just had zero ability to focus on anything.
Day 6596 - 7/23 - Terrible to bad and back
Today my eyes went back and forth between terrible and bad. It's like they were trying to be better, but couldn't stay that way. The stupid floater still seems to be clearing, so maybe someday I will wake up and it will be mysteriously back to mostly ok.
I still couldn't focus emotionally or physically at all. I still have no response from dad or others, so I still don't know for sure that he's gone. But it seems like it and as such I have been extra fixated on my own impending end, best estimated at 30 years. Especially since it is likely I only have 15 years of useable time before things deteriorate and maybe don't work well enough to do the things I want to do. It is a terrifying prospect, and with a terrible life I have little to nothing to truly distract myself from bad and fearful thoughts which often spiral me to shaking with fear and crying.
Day 6597 - 7/24 - Not security
Today the new security person was outside of the library at opening, and sitting on their butt at the door when I left. Not once did I see them patrolling the library. There is really no reason to add someone like that. I heard it was to specifically keep one person out who was in a fight, and I get that, but that seems like a waste of money compared to just calling if they show up again.
I guess today was ok. My vision seemed to clear up a little so I'm hopeful that improves. But overall today I felt pretty alone, like 'my world' felt very small indeed even though I interacted a bit on social pages. I felt a bit alone, a bit sad, but I suppose I continue on and things are mostly ok for a sad homeless life.
Day 6598 - 7/25 - End phase two
Today officially ends phase two. I don't know why I wouldn't have been informed of dad passing by his wife or anyone executing a will, but I should have gotten some response by email or the physical mail. At this point physical mail would have had 3 days travel time each way, which seems long, and 5 days resting where people were deciding on a response or not. So if he was gone from the home and new people moved in I certainly would have received a return to sender notice or heard that he was not there anymore.
With hearing nothing it will always remain a mystery, but I would guess it was between Xmas and Easter. I will still watch out for something coming around my birthday in late August, and probably send him something on his birthday in late September, but if those go without response as well that pretty much guarantees he's gone and I will likely never hear why, how, or receive any kind of inheritance (since that certainly would have happened close to the end.)
I am really extremely tired. I lost 1/3 of my possible sleep for unknown reasons. Though I wasn't actively thinking about it, I suppose it's possible it was due to it being the evening before I closed phase two.
I will always continue to hope I get more than my remaining estimated 30 years. And I continue to try and hope they will be better than the last 30, especially since most of that time has been homeless. But we never really know how long we are here for. And we can never really predict who will stay by our side and be loving and supportive (in ways we understand) during that journey.
Day 6599 - 7/26 - More sleep lost
Today I lost more sleep. Not as much as before, but probably still 1-2 hours less than I could have gotten. I am probably still panicking over my end. My mind has been obsessing over it lately, and when I know it is I start to have a panic attack. So even though I'm not constantly thinking about it at night I may be thinking about it subconsciously, and even though my thoughts stray to different things it may be keeping me up.
My eyes seem bad today, but not as bad as it has been. My stupid floater is pretty transparent now, but it still is like a blob of grease messing up my view. Maybe tomorrow it can be better and I can get back to doing pen and paper stuff.
Day 6600 - 7/27 - Maybe no hair
Today maybe I will shave my head. There is too little left of my Mohawk/swoop to really look ok. All of the top is too light, maybe only 15% density. On the back of my head I have full hair, so that part looks ok, but overall that's not a style that works. I could let the sides grow, but looking like a monk scribe is not appealing. Or I guess I could let the side and back grow long and braid it like my mom's ancestors, but that's completely not a look I'm interested in. I guess from now on it's time to be bald hat guy.
Day 6601 - 7/28 - Hat guy Tuesday
Today I don't expect anything different, other than I'm maybe wearing a hat more. I've been putting my hoodie hood up in the library a lot because it's just too cold, and hats kind of bother my eczema, so I guess we'll see if I become hat guy or not. I suppose I'll get used to it in time. Hopefully I can continue to hang on emotionally until better days, and maybe then I won't feel so bad about my bad hair.
Week 944
Day 6602 - 7/29 - Unreliable steps
Today I took extra steps on purpose, but I don't know how many. Lately I've been pretty sad and unable to focus. And with the likelihood of dad being gone and with my own end looming I've been thinking a lot about my childhood and things that I miss; specifically a theme park I used to go to about twice a year until I was a teen and lost my mom. A couple of videos I've watched about the park mentions that you will probably hit 20k steps in a day and it made me wonder about how many steps I do.
I checked the health app on my ancient phone and to my surprise it does look like it's tracking steps, even though it hasn't synced to my laptop (for backups) or gotten OS updates in years. I don't know if it's super accurate. I don't carry it with me when I pee if it's charging, which while not a lot I counted at around 150 per trip. But the real question is that today I decided to walk around the library before opening and it registered zero steps of probably a 500 step trip, so I have no idea what is going on there. I suppose I'll try a few more times just for the overall health benefits and see if in a few days the average increases.
It did allow me to look back to check the numbers for the days my legs were destroyed (when I didn't have my car). On the biggest day, if it's correct, it was near 11k, where the less extreme days were near 8k. So that 7k mark is likely my correct target for where I'll start to feel destroyed and it may take days to recover. But it also does make me wonder. On those bad days I'm also carrying my backpack and extra stuff which would probably be more than 30 extra pounds of weight. I expect that is very different from walking with no extra weight. And those are straight burns for a prolonged period, while something like a day at a theme park would be a short burn, then shuffling in line, then rest pauses. So I think that would be very different. And of course there is my normal day, around 3k, which is made up of a few very small burns, then hours of resting with only tiny burns to go pee and back. So that would be a similar burn-rest cycle.
A walk around the library before, and maybe eventually when I leave too, may be a good small workout routine (to add to my stretching). Most days I have the extra time, so it wouldn't take much extra effort or be in the way of things. Though this one trip around the library did get borderline wearing on my hips and ankles, so I may have a short burn limit as well.
My vision and focus is still pretty terrible. It wavered between bad and slightly better, so I still may be near a turning point back to better. I sure hope so. That would certainly help me focus on other things besides my sad deteriorating conditions and looming end.
Day 6603 - 7/30 - Pains
Today in the early afternoon I had a migraine as well as pretty bad tooth ache and a bit of an upset tummy. And overall my bad eye was so bad I almost couldn't even distinguish text on the library stacks. (Part of its badness is on things like signs where the letters are so blurry they get washed out by the surrounding color, so all I see is effectively a blank sign.)
My tracked steps still doesn't seem right. I did extra walking in the morning, twice, and a lap around the library before opening, then extra walking after leaving for the night, yet it shows the same day total as Tuesday, where I did none of that extra walking. I may have to just do the extra walking and assume it's better for me and wait until I have a new phone before tracking the numbers. The one I have launched 12 years ago, and while it seems fine overall things like that may be not fully functional anymore.
My head feels ok. It has been shaved completely since Monday. I do miss what was left of my hair, but in terms of the skin and shave it doesn't really feel that different from where it was. It certainly hasn't felt bad or bothered, like when I last tried a few years ago. I haven't seen anyone looking at me like I'm unusual, but they didn't before either, so maybe for strangers the difference really doesn't matter.
I feel a bit sad too. I'm sure losing half of my sleep for the night doesn't help any of this. I have no clue why I couldn't sleep. I guess the same things that have kept me up a few times this week are just continuing to do so.
But I suppose I hung on. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Day 6604 - 7/31 - Stiff back
Today my back was super stiff. I've had a lot of trouble standing up. I again lost about half of my possible sleep last night. It's possible there is a kind of broken machine noise keeping me up. I don't normally notice the noise but I guess lately it's much louder than usual. Of course not knowing what is up with dad, and the help he usually sends that I count on these days, doesn't help. My eye has been the worst again today as well, so that isn't great. It's possible extra stress is killing my back and vision.
My old phone step counter is definitely off. It should be showing about double what the count currently shows, so it's definitely unreliable. I counted around the library and that is nearly 500. Noting the number before walking around, then checking after, it showed zero change. I also found online that you can do a '100 step test' to check accuracy. I noted the number before a bathroom visit, and it was about 125 to the bathroom and back to the desk, and again it showed zero change after the walk. But after a bit it seemed to jump and almost double the bathroom walk. So maybe it's on some kind of massive delay? Right now it shows around 2,500, but I had an extra trip in the morning to get food, and the trip around the library, so if anything it should be closer to 3,500 at this point, and for the day total it should probably hit 4-4.5k. So it's definitely crazy showing below even a low day average on days like this when I know it should be above. I guess I'll continue my stretching workouts, and the small library walks, and just have to see if I start feeling healthier in general and leave tracking for a day when I have a new phone. (I checked my tablet and it really doesn't seem to do it at all. It probably doesn't have the required hardware for that.)
I still have some jaw pain, still feel a bit sad, but also feel kind of ok emotionally. I guess the important thing is I survived another day. And with that, there is a chance that tomorrow will be a better day.
Day 6605 - 8/1 - Still locked
Today my back is still really locked up. I've felt and moved like a super old man, needing to stay bent over a bit instead of being fully upright when standing. This will probably continue for a few days with how slowly I've been recovering so far.
I felt pretty sad emotiionally, possibly due to the physical pain reminding me how my life is bad right now, but I guess it wasn't the worst day. I survived through, and with that there is hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
Day 6606 - 8/2 - Still hurting
Today I am still hurt from my back pain. A weird thing is when sitting on the library chair there is a bit of my spine that seems to be poking into the chair. I'm sure it's fine and I just never noticed before, but it seems strange.
I guess I'm ok emotionally, but still feel a bit sad. My eyes aren't the worst currently, so maybe it will be better and I can do pen and paper stuff tomorrow.
Day 6607 - 8/3 - Warm Monday
Today will probably, hopefully, be a pretty normal day, but a bit warm. It's been in the 80s lately, so that has been a nice change. I am so tired of the cold weather, especially in the library where they keep things at like 70F. I don't know what to expect, but hopefully they will have less back pain and better vision.
Day 6608 - 8/4 - Warm Tuesday
Today I don't know what to expect other than it will probably be a bit warm. Hopefully my back will be mostly better and my vision will be clearing up. And hopefully I can hang on until better days.
