Week 949
Day 6637 - 9/2 - Feeling sad, bad, and upset tummy
Today I have felt pretty sad and bad most of the day. I'm also exhausted from lost sleep. I probably only played about 30 minutes and just didn't feel like playing after, which is pretty rare.
I decided to get some cheese to have a touch extra food today and I kind of regretted it. I'm probably at the point I need to really entirely stop non-cooked cheese entirely. It just really isn't worth the amount it upsets my tummy. I get really tired of lunch meat and ready to eat meals though, so cheese is the only real alternative I have there.
I guess all things considered it wasn't too bad of a day, especially since I have no side-effects from Monday's eye poking.
Day 6638 - 9/3 - Brain sponged
Today I could barely think. It's strange because last night I may have gotten like 9 hours of sleep for the first time in months. But I just can't think or focus. I feel like I've been awake for more than 24 hours. There is a strange heaviness weighing me down, especially emotionally, and I can't wiggle out from under it. The only way I can think to describe my weird brain feeling is as if someone poked me with a tube and sprayed a bunch of expanding foam all around my brain. It feels smooshed, uncomfortable, muffled, and like new external thoughts just can't get in. And it also feels like all of the connecting neural networks to the rest of my body have been changed to tight leather straps, and they were made wet, and now are drying and constricting.
I don't know why I feel so off and weird. This is a new feeling I've not felt before. I have been very sniffly and sneezy lately. Maybe I'm just being thrown off by a cold, and these weird feelings are due to congestion.
Day 6639 - 9/4 - Still feeling very bad
Today I still feel bad. I still have migraine type headaches. My head still feels like I'm full of junk, extremely heavy, and very confused and unable to think. And I feel super exhausted. I was scared awake a few times last night by nearby critter sounds. I have been sniffling almost non-stop too, so maybe the junk in my head is congestion.
I barely played and barely felt like playing. I was actually kind of depressed as I did some social chats and posts and no one seemed to care. It could be the people are just busy and didn't notice, but I don't know, it made me feel alone and unseen. I guess overall though the day could have gone worse.
Day 6640 - 9/5 - A very low pain
Today I may have discovered why I have been feeling so off and weird. Shortly after the library opened I was feeling kind of sick and noticed an incredible low level pain in terms of sharpness. Like if it were an audio sound wave it would be so slow and low it would almost not be registering at all. But it was intense and likely causing the slight nausea. It was such a low/dull level I didn't notice the area was kind of numb, likely contributing to my not noticing. It's getting to evening now and I'm feeling better, but it is still there, and I definitely don't feel great because of it.
Due to the owies and icky feelings I didn't play at all today, and I just watched a bunch of random things that seemed interesting in an 'I wonder about that' kind of way, nothing really that directly affects me at this moment.
I think too I'm still feeling a bit sad and not seeing much attention or notice on the social places, so I probably feel a bit extra alone with my physical pain and worries about my age. But I guess overall today could have been much worse, and there were comforts of my laptop allowing me to watch things, and no one bothering me, so I guess there is that.
Day 6641 - 9/6 - Swollen and painful
Today my jaw area is visibly swollen and still part numb part extremely painful. I've sadly likely got about two more days like this. I feel weird and kind of sick, maybe from the pain, maybe from the pain pills trying to manage the pain. I wish my water heater hadn't been recalled. (At least they did refund what I paid for it.) Today would be one of the few times I'd do something like hot water and just have 'chicken water' (instead of regular sized meals.) Of course soup would be perfect on a jaw pain day, but it never got soups or ramen above lukewarm, so they weren't very good, and likely not the healthiest.
Hopefully the pain will start to lessen after not too long, but like I said I expect a couple of days like this as it likely won't get better quickly.
Day 6642 - 9/7 - Half day
Today is a holiday, so it's again going to have to be another half day where I need to be outside. I don't know what the day will hold, but hopefully I'll be ok, and hopefully my jaw swelling and pain is starting to get better.
Day 6643 - 9/8 - Hopefully better Tuesday
Today hopefully I'll be recovering from my jaw pain and swelling. Hopefully I can get some sleep, since I've been losing a lot lately due to scares and just not being able to sleep. And hopefully I can hang on and be feeling a bit better today.
Week 950
Day 6644 - 9/9 - Blurry vision, again
Today started ok, but very rapidly my vision went to poop. By pretty much noon I was drawn to only seeing about 2 feet clearly. I wanted to do pen and paper stuff, but once my vision went any creativity and drive was crushed.
I guess it wasn't the worst day though. My swelling is down to maybe 20% as bad. In the early evening now I'm almost starting to not feel swollen, though at the rate it's been easing since that first big reduction it may still be about 3 days. Thankfully it was only painful that first day through half the night, and since then it's just been swollen and feeling wrong. Both of my lymph nodes on my jaw are swollen, so maybe it was more due to an infection or cold than a major tooth issue. I just watched random videos for various things that I would be interested in if I had opportunity, so the day wasn't too bad. And I have to be gentle with myself and accept that if I'm not great due to infections, have a cold, or have bad vision, I have to not beat myself up too much. Being old this may just be the start of deteriorating health, and if I get too mad at myself over it that could spiral badly long term.
As always though, I do hope I get better. I do hope my vision can at least mostly return. And hopefully better days will still be ahead.
Day 6645 - 9/10 - Off day
Today I feel pretty off still. My jaw hasn't had any pain and looking at a mirror now there is only the smallest hint of swelling, and thankfully only the slightest feel of swelling. I was scared awake several times last night, so I lost a fair bit of sleep. I actually fell asleep watching a show for about 30 seconds. I was exhausted. I did feel like playing, so I probably only played about 15 minutes. I didn't feel like being creative, so I did no pen and paper stuff. But I suppose maybe I did learn a little about a hobby I may take up if I get the chance to do it, so maybe that is something. And I suppose nothing got worse today. And most days that is the most important thing.
Day 6646 - 9/11 - Sharp pain
Today has been pretty bad. In the middle of last night I started getting a sharp throbbing pain where the other pain was, right as the swelling had almost fully disappeared. I took a pretty high pain pill amount, so it's calming down now. Hopefully it won't last much longer. Needless to say it's throwing things off today. I did do some creative stuff for a couple of hours, so there was that and that was nice. I guess overall the day could have still been worse, but due to the pretty high pain it wasn't great.
Day 6647 - 9/12 - Worried about bills
Today was very down emotionally. I got a pre-bill for the car insurance and while it was the amount I expected, since I've gotten no help from dad this year there is no way I can pay it all at once. In good news there is a discount I may get for it that could reduce it a decent amount, but with it increasing like +100% due to CA insurance hikes in the past like 2 years, even reduced it's a pretty devastating bill. Without help I don't know how I'll have enough for all my web stuff at the end of the year since my friend's help is eaten up by gas and insurance. (Edit: after gathering the info I needed to submit what I thought would qualify me for this, apparently my insurance is sub-divided by region, and the discount page I saw was for a different region than the one I'm in. So, no discount for me.)
I was really hoping the pen and paper stuff I did would be able to replace dad's help since I knew that would eventually stop, and hopefully be a nice boost while it was still going. But it has been nowhere near as much as I need, even though that is only about a minimum of $75 a month. I'm lucky to have gotten a couple hundred just over a year ago and cleared my costs for the software, pens, and paper, but this year sales have been practically zero. I'm lucky if I get $10 a month these days.
So I am very terrified of how things will go as we near the end of the year. Dad's missing money hasn't been needed yet, but as we hit these last few months when the biggest bills come it's needed more than ever, and it will never come.
Day 6648 - 9/13 - Very tired, again
Today I am very tired, again. There is a critter in the area I sleep making lots of noise most of the night. It might be why I've had so much trouble sleeping lately. It's possible they were previously quiet enough to not be heard, but loud enough to disturb my sleep.
I'm pretty exhausted, vision is blurry but not the worst. Lunch feels a bit odd in my tummy, so hopefully that won't change to feeling bad. I still have a bit of a headache and a bit of bad feel in my jaw area that has been hurting. Hopefully today can be ok and I can be restful and recover.
Day 6649 - 9/14 - Hopefully start to continue
Today hopefully I can feel better enough physically and emotionally to go back to doing pen and paper stuff. It probably won't be enough to cover what was lost from dad from the lack of sales so far, but I still think it's my best chance to move forward. And all I can do is continue to try and make the best choices from the limited choices I have.
Day 6650 - 9/15 - Hopefully continuing Tuesday
Today hopefully I can continue to be back to moving forward. I've been stuck for what feels like quite a while due to vision blurriness, sadness, and physical pain; all of which is not great. But all I can do is try my best to continue on as best as I can.
