Week 939
Day 6567 - 6/24 - Did some stuff
Today I did some stuff with my pen and paper things that I'm working on and I think it turned out pretty good. I actually did a little bit on Monday and Tuesday as well, so that's good.
I can't say for sure if my bad eye is now always going to be ok enough to be productive, but it seems like it is dispersing a tiny bit and getting clearer. Will that continue or will it move around in my eye again and get worse? I can't say. It still seems to be an almost day-by-day change, but I am hopeful.
So today I maybe had a bit of an easier time hanging on, though in the back of my mind there were still many sad things that my mind would dwell on.
Day 6568 - 6/25 - Bad vision again
Today, as I kind of expected, my vision shifted back to super bad. I did do a bit of creative stuff though, but as I was doing it I could see the vision getting worse. So for maybe half of my day so far it's been pretty bad and annoying. It still seems like the floater may be clearing, but I don't think vision will go back to being not terrible until it's completely gone.
I got word from someone who I only see every several years that he's coming back through the area next week. We tentatively have plans to do dinner that Sunday. Last time he came through he had something come up and had to cancel visiting me, so while I look forward to it, he does have schedules shift, so I will have food and other plans ready if it does fall through.
I sent dad a dad's day card. I got notice that it was sent, so I think that means it didn't bounce, but I didn't get a notice he has looked at it yet, which is usually what happens. So either he hasn't seen it or they aren't sending that read notice anymore. I guess with the 4th next week it's not super critical that I know now. That is one he never misses sending at least an e-card to me, so we'll see if he misses it like he did bunny day. That would be two big times he's missed that he always at least sends an e-card, which would be extremely unusual.
Overall today I did feel a bit sad and worried about my end, but I guess all-in-all I hung on ok.
Day 6569 - 6/26 - Bad feelings
Today I apparently spent most of the day fighting off bad feelings. I slept pretty deeply, but had some very bad dreams, so most of the morning I was trying to fight off those bad feelings. Then around lunch my vision started getting bad, so ever since then I've been fighting off panic feelings because the blurry vision was triggering the start of claustrophobic panic attacks.
So overall today was pretty bad, I did try to keep pen and paper things in my head about where I want things to go for what I'm currently working to build and what is next, but that is at a very slow going part. I guess it was ok today was a day I couldn't focus enough to do anything with it, since there isn't enough there yet, but overall a pretty sad and panic feeling filled day.
Day 6570 - 6/27 - Lost time
Today I felt, I guess, pretty sad, certainly depressed. I thought I might take a detour after my library time and do an evening shower. I packed up and left the library 45 minutes earlier than usual. But as I was about to step outside I remembered that the shower place has ridiculously early hours on the weekend and after double checking I indeed discovered they were already closed. While that did mean I could detour to do some recycling and get some cookies I haven't had in a long time, it did mean I lost a lot of inside online time. (It wasn't worth going back because there wouldn't be great sitting spots, and unpacking and repacking would take up 10 of the available minutes.)
And it didn't help that all day I'd been sad about my homeless struggles, and sad about all the things that are so very basic in a home. I can't just take an evening shower if I want. It can only be during certain times in a specific place, and it's not really private even if I get a private booth. I can't do a basic house chore, like washing cloths, which in a home is kind of fun. I like to be clean and like having clean things. Wearing clean things makes me feel nice, they are softer, and smell nice. But that isn't easy while homeless. I have to go to a certain place, hauling all my clothes and such there, at a certain time, and it takes a pretty horrendous amount of money for the amount that gets washed. Especially since they really should be done every few weeks, not every few months, which even that often isn't super affordable. And ideally it should be done on a day like the 4th next week, when I would otherwise be just sitting outside parked in my car somewhere because good places to be are closed. That way I'm not wasting time that could be 'better spent' doing other things.
My sad life is constant stress, constant pressure, and even when I try and do something nice for myself these things aren't really ever alleviated much due to limitations on how I can do something nice for myself. Vacations and breaks only work if you can fully get away from the problems and worries. No matter where I go or what I do, I really can't. At lest not completely. So I can never get much of a break.
Day 6571 - 6/28 - Disappointing news
Today I saw some sad news. The library won't just be closed on the 4th, but also on the 3rd. As far as I know the shower place should be completely open and have a regular day that day. Their sign for early closure only mentioned the 4th. So I can theoretically be there and be online. But being not my usual desk in the library it will throw me off emotionally, so I'm not sure if I'll be able to create or how much of my regular routine I'll do. I suppose it will be better than forced outside time. But how much better, that I don't know if I can predict or plan for.
Day 6572 - 6/29 - Maybe creative Monday
Today maybe my eye will be less bad, vision and focus will be better, and I can do some creative stuff. Even though it seems there is no interest I do still have these two supplements I'd like to finish, and maybe those can generate more interest. After that if there still is little to none, maybe I can try a different system to create for.
Day 6573 - 6/30 - Short week Tuesday
Today I'll likely be feeling the crunch of the shortened week. While it's nice to not be near weird or icky people (at the library) by being somewhere else, it's extra stress I don't want or need. The total opposite of most who have those days off away from where they would normally be. I already have too much stress in my life. Hopefully it will pass quickly enough. Then there should be a while before the next forced outside days.
