Week 939
Day 6567 - 6/24 - Did some stuff
Today I did some stuff with my pen and paper things that I'm working on and I think it turned out pretty good. I actually did a little bit on Monday and Tuesday as well, so that's good.
I can't say for sure if my bad eye is now always going to be ok enough to be productive, but it seems like it is dispersing a tiny bit and getting clearer. Will that continue or will it move around in my eye again and get worse? I can't say. It still seems to be an almost day-by-day change, but I am hopeful.
So today I maybe had a bit of an easier time hanging on, though in the back of my mind there were still many sad things that my mind would dwell on.
Day 6568 - 6/25 - Bad vision again
Today, as I kind of expected, my vision shifted back to super bad. I did do a bit of creative stuff though, but as I was doing it I could see the vision getting worse. So for maybe half of my day so far it's been pretty bad and annoying. It still seems like the floater may be clearing, but I don't think vision will go back to being not terrible until it's completely gone.
I got word from someone who I only see every several years that he's coming back through the area next week. We tentatively have plans to do dinner that Sunday. Last time he came through he had something come up and had to cancel visiting me, so while I look forward to it, he does have schedules shift, so I will have food and other plans ready if it does fall through.
I sent dad a dad's day card. I got notice that it was sent, so I think that means it didn't bounce, but I didn't get a notice he has looked at it yet, which is usually what happens. So either he hasn't seen it or they aren't sending that read notice anymore. I guess with the 4th next week it's not super critical that I know now. That is one he never misses sending at least an e-card to me, so we'll see if he misses it like he did bunny day. That would be two big times he's missed that he always at least sends an e-card, which would be extremely unusual.
Overall today I did feel a bit sad and worried about my end, but I guess all-in-all I hung on ok.
Day 6569 - 6/26 - Bad feelings
Today I apparently spent most of the day fighting off bad feelings. I slept pretty deeply, but had some very bad dreams, so most of the morning I was trying to fight off those bad feelings. Then around lunch my vision started getting bad, so ever since then I've been fighting off panic feelings because the blurry vision was triggering the start of claustrophobic panic attacks.
So overall today was pretty bad, I did try to keep pen and paper things in my head about where I want things to go for what I'm currently working to build and what is next, but that is at a very slow going part. I guess it was ok today was a day I couldn't focus enough to do anything with it, since there isn't enough there yet, but overall a pretty sad and panic feeling filled day.
Day 6570 - 6/27 - Lost time
Today I felt, I guess, pretty sad, certainly depressed. I thought I might take a detour after my library time and do an evening shower. I packed up and left the library 45 minutes earlier than usual. But as I was about to step outside I remembered that the shower place has ridiculously early hours on the weekend and after double checking I indeed discovered they were already closed. While that did mean I could detour to do some recycling and get some cookies I haven't had in a long time, it did mean I lost a lot of inside online time. (It wasn't worth going back because there wouldn't be great sitting spots, and unpacking and repacking would take up 10 of the available minutes.)
And it didn't help that all day I'd been sad about my homeless struggles, and sad about all the things that are so very basic in a home. I can't just take an evening shower if I want. It can only be during certain times in a specific place, and it's not really private even if I get a private booth. I can't do a basic house chore, like washing cloths, which in a home is kind of fun. I like to be clean and like having clean things. Wearing clean things makes me feel nice, they are softer, and smell nice. But that isn't easy while homeless. I have to go to a certain place, hauling all my clothes and such there, at a certain time, and it takes a pretty horrendous amount of money for the amount that gets washed. Especially since they really should be done every few weeks, not every few months, which even that often isn't super affordable. And ideally it should be done on a day like the 4th next week, when I would otherwise be just sitting outside parked in my car somewhere because good places to be are closed. That way I'm not wasting time that could be 'better spent' doing other things.
My sad life is constant stress, constant pressure, and even when I try and do something nice for myself these things aren't really ever alleviated much due to limitations on how I can do something nice for myself. Vacations and breaks only work if you can fully get away from the problems and worries. No matter where I go or what I do, I really can't. At lest not completely. So I can never get much of a break.
Day 6571 - 6/28 - Disappointing news
Today I saw some sad news. The library won't just be closed on the 4th, but also on the 3rd. As far as I know the shower place should be completely open and have a regular day that day. Their sign for early closure only mentioned the 4th. So I can theoretically be there and be online. But being not my usual desk in the library it will throw me off emotionally, so I'm not sure if I'll be able to create or how much of my regular routine I'll do. I suppose it will be better than forced outside time. But how much better, that I don't know if I can predict or plan for.
Day 6572 - 6/29 - Maybe creative Monday
Today maybe my eye will be less bad, vision and focus will be better, and I can do some creative stuff. Even though it seems there is no interest I do still have these two supplements I'd like to finish, and maybe those can generate more interest. After that if there still is little to none, maybe I can try a different system to create for.
Day 6573 - 6/30 - Short week Tuesday
Today I'll likely be feeling the crunch of the shortened week. While it's nice to not be near weird or icky people (at the library) by being somewhere else, it's extra stress I don't want or need. The total opposite of most who have those days off away from where they would normally be. I already have too much stress in my life. Hopefully it will pass quickly enough. Then there should be a while before the next forced outside days.
Year 19
Week 940
Day 6574 - 7/1 - Worried about tires
Today I am apparently on the verge of another big car expense. I checked my front tires lately, which are older than the back tires, and they are very very low tread. I didn't have a penny to do the 'penny test', but I did have a quarter. The outside of the tiers would probably fail, but assuming the distance is twice that on a penny then the middle is still just very very bad, but not critical. But mathing the average lifespan of a tire, dividing by what I probably have left, I will be lucky if I have a year before the extremely critical emergency point, meaning I probably realistically have to the end of the year at most.
This, of course, is extremely bad news. I don't have money for more car stuff. I was already hit with a horrible cost of a new battery, which I was very lucky I had 'extra' in my account to cover, and then the window, which guildies thankfully helped with or it would still be broken. Mathing out bills to just the end of the year I need 100% of what little I have now, the help a friend is sending, and the maximum amount of what I could hope that dad would send, in order to cover the bills. There is absolutely no extra for anything else.
I really wish I could have counted on my pen and paper supplements for some kind of income. It really has dropped down enough to effectively be zero. Had it been the couple hundred a month I hoped it would reach this wouldn't be an issue. And had it even been 1/4 of what I hoped for that probably would have gotten enough to cover the bills and tires. But it is not. I really haven't gotten much at all since my last totaling of it, which at that time was only enough to cover the software I got and pen and paper drawing supplies, and that was it.
So I am very worried. I am hyper aware of the edge I am on all the time, which in the case of my tires not only has me, but others near me, at risk, which is very worrying. But unless interaction suddenly spikes, or something happens with job searching, there isn't anything I can do. All I can do is hope that I, and the car, can continue on until better days.
Day 6575 - 7/2 - Sad day
Today was a sad day. I decided to check my pen and paper sales and the downloads alone are very down. Effectively it is now down to 1 download every other day. And in all of last month and the couple of days this month so far only 2 have a non-zero amount. One got $1 and the other $5. (The recommended payment is $10.) Which I guess those aren't zero, so in terms of getting some money that is about 1 getting something per 9 downloads, but as I mentioned yesterday I was really hoping for quite a lot more. I knew I wouldn't be rich, and it would have to be a miracle to get even close to a full time wage, but $6 in sales in a month is barely $4 for my cut of it. I was really hoping for about that much each day, which if you think about it is really not that much in sales.
I suppose part of that is 'my fault' for pricing it at 'pay what you want,' but I want everyone who wants to look at or play with my stuff to have a chance to enjoy it. I didn't want someone out there like me who can't afford much, or anything, to be left out and have nothing if they were in a bad financial spot. Or maybe they didn't know if they would actually use what the supplement has and they wanted to preview it first before paying anything. That seems fair to me.
It does make me feel sad that there seems to be so little interest, and so that makes me feel more sad about my present and future.
And it was a bad vision day again as well. It seems to not e springing back to good levels, and stuck on bad speckled and smeared vision, making focus extremely difficult.
Tomorrow will be the start of rough days, so I don't know what to expect. But hopefully I can continue to hang on and be ok.
Day 6576 - 7/3 - Blurry vision, upset tummy
Today my tummy was pretty upset, likely by some cheese I decided to have with lunch. My vision was extremely blurry today, which is maybe a good thing maybe a bad thing. Due to firework things last night I not only was extra nervous and lost 1/3 of my sleep, but that made me extra stressed. Which may prove it is stress and/or sleep related. But that may not be truly helpful information as I can't really control either of those. While I always hope for more sleep and less stress, there really isn't any way I can control for either.
Because of my poor vision I barely played anything and instead mostly just watched videos and shows. I was also somewhere different today since the library was closed, so that threw me off emotionally as well. I suppose it could have been worse with something else bad happening to me, but I suppose I survived the day, and I suppose it passed somewhat quickly. I hope the night passes ok too, but I expect it will be another night of scares and stress due to firework people and I'll probably lose sleep again.
Day 6577 - 7/4 - No soap wash
Today has been I guess about as I expected. The morning online went by pretty fast. I did get some play time in though. I just did laundry and there was none of my usual soap. I tried to get the other option and the machine took my money without giving me soap. So I was forced to do the wash without. I called to complain and the guy will give me my money back, so that's good. He was very confused though. He asked if he could just something me the money, and with his very thick accent it sounded like he said, 'smoosh.' I was like, 'uuuhh I don't know what that means.' He said it was an online payment service. I told him I've never heard of it. Then he said the most popular one and I was like, 'I know about that one, but no I don't have an account and never use it.' He gasped in as much disbelief as if I'd have said I was from Mars. I guess maybe having that is required by all the cool kids these days with unlimited phone plans and unlimited data access.
It's early afternoon and I'm overheating in my car. I forgot my drawing stuff, so I can't do any drawing for my pen and paper stuff, but I did do some creative stuff for my podcast that I needed to do, so that is good.
There is still evening and night to get through, which are the most wobbly and risky times on the 4th, so all I can do is hope I get through ok.
Day 6578 - 7/5 - Still terrible vision
Today I still have terrible vision. Everything past about 5 feet is blurry and even up close things like my laptop screen aren't great. And the floater blocking parts in my right eye is still terrible. That is likely what is pulling the left back to not focusing further away. It is still my theory that they try to balance, so if one is bad then they both are. I think my only real way to test that theory would be to get an eye patch and completely cover the right eye, which would be equally as bad and annoying as just having things seriously blurred.
The friend I'm maybe having dinner with in a bit said he's on time so far, so we are probably still doing that. I'll probably just get something basic to eat, but I don't know, I may change my mind and do something very different than what I can otherwise sort of have.
I feel pretty weird today too; a bit like I'm not me. I think a big part of it is the blurry vision setting everything into a weird dreamlike state the past few weeks, but it is also likely I just got totally drained in energy and various things my body needs due to sitting and cooking in the hot sun in my car for several hours yesterday. Though I have been thinking of the closing of this fail year and the start of the next lately; thinking on how my body is changing and may never recover, and thinking back to times when it wasn't like that and I effectively was a very different me. And, I suppose as always around this time, mourning the loss of that me, and wondering if I will ever be able to get at least a part of me back. Hopefully I can be calm, restful, and recover. If not through today then maybe through tomorrow.
Day 6579 - 7/6 - Hopefully recovering
Today I hope I am recovering or have recovered from my outside time. And maybe too my vision can be recovering as well. I know it is probably just the floater causing most of these recent issues, but at over 2 months now so far, part of me worries I may never recover.
Day 6580 - 7/7 - Hopefully balanced Tuesday
Today hopefully things will be balanced more towards homeless normal. For several reasons I've felt very off lately. Hopefully soon I can return to at least a homeless normal balance.
