Week 951
Day 6651 - 9/16 - Disctracted day / fast day
Today I was still very distracted with thinking of my health and my end. Dad's birthday is at the end of the month, so I still can't get 'what happened?' out of my head. The other day I did some more searching online for obituaries and decided to ask the city records people in his city if they knew. Apparently the state he's in is a "closed records" state, which might explain why I have been having such a hard time finding anything. I decided to do some other searches for my cousins and aunt (his sister), which I've tried before, but this time I found some information very alarmingly easy. This site had their address, known family, and other records right there where everyone could see. Checking my name it had similar information, which is super disturbing. I guess it's just pulling from public records, but it was alarming how easy it was to find on that site. This morning I sent a letter to my (possible) aunt. If it is her, and she writes back, I could hear something by as early as the middle of next week. If I don't hear anything by the end of the month, then that's it, I'll give up. At that point 3 major holidays, my birthday, and dad's birthday, would have passed with no word. He would have to be gone, and if not, I really have no clue why I wouldn't have been told about what is going on at that point which would prevent him from contacting me.
That would be the last of my ties to any family. I haven't heard from my mom's side in probably 10 years, and haven't actually seen them in probably 20. And if my aunt (dad's sister) doesn't respond, then that would be around 40 years since I've talked to or seen any of them (outside of one brief phone call about 25 years ago after they seemingly ignored a letter I'd mailed them.) (Which is why I think they may just ignore this new one. They have already ignored my attempting to contact them years ago.)
Day 6652 - 9/17 - Different day
Today I was somewhere not at the library. I will be for a couple of days. It's not in a home, but it has wireless, and is comfortable, and private so there are no strangers around. Because I'm somewhere different I'm doing different things. Mostly today I thought and did stuff related to the hobbies and things I may do if given a chance. It's nice to explore potential different future versions of me. It's nice to think might not always be sad, depressed, and feeling stuck where I am. Even if, at least for now, it is just hope, and just wishful thinking.
Day 6653 - 9/18 - Tired day
Today I am very tired. I would have lost several hours of sleep last night, but I am still in a place to sleep, so I got a reasonable amount of sleep. I'm very tired though. I did sleep pretty deeply in one part, but in another I had stressful and bad dreams, so maybe that disrupted my 'restfulness'.
I guess overall the day was ok. I always have limitations in my sad life, so it is a trade off of comforts and lack of comforts between the different things depending on where I am.
My maybe aunt should have gotten the letter today, so next week we'll see if she sends anything back. I would assume not since I'm guessing there has been at least 6 months since dad has been gone and I haven't gotten any news from lawyers doing his will, his current wife, or anyone on that side of the family letting me know what is going on. The only possible reason I would think they wouldn't have contacted me would be if he were in a coma or something, though even then I'd think they would have still reached out. (Or the total opposite, in that he's temporarily out of the country. Which he's never left his area at all for more than a week, let alone for 6 or more months.) But by the end of the month if I hear nothing hopefully I can let it go and move on and assume I will never know the answers.
Day 6654 - 9/19 - Quick day
Today was a pretty quick day. I lost some sleep but didn't sleep in, so I'm a bit tired. The day passed pretty quickly. I don't know if it was because I felt tired or some other reason. I did have a headache and my tummy was wobbly most of the day, so it's possible I have a bit of a cold and it's altering my perception of things. I guess overall I feel ok and I hung on ok, so I suppose the day was decent enough.
Day 6655 - 9/20 - Back in the library
Today I am back at the library having a regular homeless day. I guess I feel ok. There were some noises that woke me up last night, so I'm a bit tired. I did get a game on super cheap sale for $3. It's an older shooter MMO and I've played about 25 hours during free times before, so it should be easy to get my $3 worth. I don't know if I'll be able to get back to doing pen and paper stuff as the new week starts, but I guess I'll see. Hopefully tonight I can be restful and maybe next week will be a better week.
Day 6656 - 9/21 - Unknown week
Today I don't know what to expect. Maybe I can get back to pen and paper stuff. My eyes have been so bad lately I haven't had enough mental or visual focus to do it in what feels like forever. But hopefully I can have an ok day.
Day 6657 - 9/22 - Maybe restful Tuesday
Today hopefully will be a restful day. Maybe I can do some creative stuff, whether or not that is for my pen and paper stuff or not. I like doing creative stuff and sharing with people who appreciate it.
This week I may hear back from what I think is my aunt, though honestly it has been 6 months now and no one on that side of the family seems to have tried to inform me about what's up with dad. And after her and my cousins specifically not reaching out to me in the last 40 years I expect she will just ignore my letter. But who knows, maybe I can finally get some news on what happened and maybe why I wasn't informed of it sooner.
Week 952
Day 6658 - 9/23 - Unsurprisingly, no mail
Today there was, unsurprisingly, no mail from my aunt. I really didn't expect to get a response. It's been basically 40 years since dad took me to visit that side of the family, and they have only spoken with me once during that time when I reached out for help not too long after I'd gotten married. I'll keep checking until Friday, but at that point they have had my letter for nearly a week and chosen not to respond.
I guess today was ok. My tummy wasn't thrilled with what I had for food. And I felt kind of extra hungry. I did do a tiny bit of pen and paper stuff, but double checking my main sale site numbers for the past 3 months it is only about 15 downloads for everything in total, averaging about $5 payment for each month. Which is sad because even at half the suggested amount, with that download count, that would be about 2/3 of what I need in a month to cover the missing dad help. So I still feel like overall I'm not really getting any love or appreciation for what I've put out there.
Day 6659 - 9/24 - Distraced again, and music
Today I was again distracted. I still havent gotten a response to my mail, so hopefully after tomorrow I can finally put it behind me and just move on in my life solo. It still seems weird to not have heard from either estate will people, his wife, or my aunt or cousins, but I guess it is what it is.
I listened to some music today by a band I saw a video of that I liked, but after two albums it seems they really aren't for me. I really liked that one song, but all the rest, while having a lot of 'electronica' vibes, were much too heavy 'rock and roll' to me. It wasn't a mix of styles I'd be interested in.
I guess overall the day was ok, but it still feels very odd to not be told what happened with dad. Sure, I've distanced myself for various reasons, but you'd think with at least this they would reach out with a postcard and say what happened and when.
Day 6660 - 9/25 - Feeling very sad
Today I watched something in the morning where there was a creator for the pen and paper game I make stuff for too. There were other creator people in the chat too, and while the topic wasn't about me, I felt left out and like everyone only cared about their own thing, and no one cared about mine. It wasn't intentional. It wasn't openly stated. But it was another time I just felt like I didn't matter or have value. That pretty much shot down any feelings of creativity I had.
The food I got was also supposed to be a special treat. I got a cooked something I probably only get once every two or three months. But it hasn't been great in my tummy. I have felt just a bit off all day. Not necessarily sick, but just a bit off and not great or balanced.
Unsurprisingly there was no response from my aunt. So that is it. I will try not to worry or wonder anymore. I assume dad is gone due to natural causes, he was about that age, but I guess I'll never know exactly when or why. And at this point there was no inheritance for me because I'd have been contacted by now if there were. If that person I sent the mail to is or isn't my aunt (which I'm pretty sure it was as the site referenced family members who matched), at 40 years and never reaching out to me, doubly so since dad's passing, I'm happy to move on and never try to reach out to them again or seek any contact. And if my life ever gets better and there's happy news and they did try to reach out to me, I'd be like 'nope, no thanks, we are done,' or simply ignore their attempts to contact me like they have mine.
Day 6661 - 9/26 - Trying hard
Today I was trying very hard not to think about my end. I am still like 'why' with my aunt and others not reaching out to me. And with dad being gone more and more I am becoming terrified of my own end. It is unavoidable. And with theoretically nothing wrong I should still have 30 more years, but the back of my mind keeps thinking 'what if you don't?' and 'what if these bad years have permanently cut that down?' With all the news about health features on a new watch when connected to a new phone I really wish more and more I could have those to start tracking things. My tablet has the health app they use, but can hardly track anything useful because it just can't get the data it needs to track (and isn't designed to actually be used with the app, so it's not fully functional.)
So today I tried my best to hang on. I tried my best to not think about bad things. And I continue to hope I can get those nice things someday and can both try the new hobby things I'd like to do and verify that my health looks ok.
Day 6662 - 9/27 - A day off
Today I am taking the day off to rest and try and mentally reset. I've decided to take a break from my pen and paper stuff. I'm going to switch to flushing out what I have for my psychology theory. I posted it in its early form 25 years ago, but then a couple years later got scared someone might take it, flush it out, do the research, and then publish it as their work. But now with my 30 years left, if I'm lucky, the likelihood of my getting back in to a masters, let alone a doctorate, then getting funding to do research, none of that is going to happen. So I'll just drop it as it is, hopefully on a site that can sell it for 'pay what you want,' and accept that someone else will have to do the research side of it and then it would fully be accepted in 'the scientific community.' Maybe someone will find value in it as a self-examination tool, and they can maybe learn why they are thinking or feeling certain things.
Day 6663 - 9/28 - Maybe psychology
Today I will maybe be starting work on my psychological theory. Hopefully it will go ok. Last version was pretty good, but I have no idea where it is in my storage, and even if I got the 'super secure backup' of it, that backup is super secure because it's on 3.5" floppy disk, which effectively no one has access to including me. Hopefully the other parts of today will be ok and restful.
Day 6664 - 9/29 - Maybe psychology Tuesday
Today I'm probably going to work on my psychology theory 'book.' I say it like that because I'd be surprised if it were much more than 20 pages. I think the old version I have is about 30, but there is likely going to be a lot I can reduce down to being a better writer now (25 years later) and there may be stuff I forget or don't add in this new version. Hopefully it will make sense, help some people understand themselves better, and who knows, maybe it will get more sales than my pen and paper stuff.
