Week 951
Day 6651 - 9/16 - Disctracted day / fast day
Today I was still very distracted with thinking of my health and my end. Dad's birthday is at the end of the month, so I still can't get 'what happened?' out of my head. The other day I did some more searching online for obituaries and decided to ask the city records people in his city if they knew. Apparently the state he's in is a "closed records" state, which might explain why I have been having such a hard time finding anything. I decided to do some other searches for my cousins and aunt (his sister), which I've tried before, but this time I found some information very alarmingly easy. This site had their address, known family, and other records right there where everyone could see. Checking my name it had similar information, which is super disturbing. I guess it's just pulling from public records, but it was alarming how easy it was to find on that site. This morning I sent a letter to my (possible) aunt. If it is her, and she writes back, I could hear something by as early as the middle of next week. If I don't hear anything by the end of the month, then that's it, I'll give up. At that point 3 major holidays, my birthday, and dad's birthday, would have passed with no word. He would have to be gone, and if not, I really have no clue why I wouldn't have been told about what is going on at that point which would prevent him from contacting me.
That would be the last of my ties to any family. I haven't heard from my mom's side in probably 10 years, and haven't actually seen them in probably 20. And if my aunt (dad's sister) doesn't respond, then that would be around 40 years since I've talked to or seen any of them (outside of one brief phone call about 25 years ago after they seemingly ignored a letter I'd mailed them.) (Which is why I think they may just ignore this new one. They have already ignored my attempting to contact them years ago.)
Day 6652 - 9/17 - Different day
Today I was somewhere not at the library. I will be for a couple of days. It's not in a home, but it has wireless, and is comfortable, and private so there are no strangers around. Because I'm somewhere different I'm doing different things. Mostly today I thought and did stuff related to the hobbies and things I may do if given a chance. It's nice to explore potential different future versions of me. It's nice to think might not always be sad, depressed, and feeling stuck where I am. Even if, at least for now, it is just hope, and just wishful thinking.
Day 6653 - 9/18 - Tired day
Today I am very tired. I would have lost several hours of sleep last night, but I am still in a place to sleep, so I got a reasonable amount of sleep. I'm very tired though. I did sleep pretty deeply in one part, but in another I had stressful and bad dreams, so maybe that disrupted my 'restfulness'.
I guess overall the day was ok. I always have limitations in my sad life, so it is a trade off of comforts and lack of comforts between the different things depending on where I am.
My maybe aunt should have gotten the letter today, so next week we'll see if she sends anything back. I would assume not since I'm guessing there has been at least 6 months since dad has been gone and I haven't gotten any news from lawyers doing his will, his current wife, or anyone on that side of the family letting me know what is going on. The only possible reason I would think they wouldn't have contacted me would be if he were in a coma or something, though even then I'd think they would have still reached out. (Or the total opposite, in that he's temporarily out of the country. Which he's never left his area at all for more than a week, let alone for 6 or more months.) But by the end of the month if I hear nothing hopefully I can let it go and move on and assume I will never know the answers.
Day 6654 - 9/19 - Quick day
Today was a pretty quick day. I lost some sleep but didn't sleep in, so I'm a bit tired. The day passed pretty quickly. I don't know if it was because I felt tired or some other reason. I did have a headache and my tummy was wobbly most of the day, so it's possible I have a bit of a cold and it's altering my perception of things. I guess overall I feel ok and I hung on ok, so I suppose the day was decent enough.
Day 6655 - 9/20 - Back in the library
Today I am back at the library having a regular homeless day. I guess I feel ok. There were some noises that woke me up last night, so I'm a bit tired. I did get a game on super cheap sale for $3. It's an older shooter MMO and I've played about 25 hours during free times before, so it should be easy to get my $3 worth. I don't know if I'll be able to get back to doing pen and paper stuff as the new week starts, but I guess I'll see. Hopefully tonight I can be restful and maybe next week will be a better week.
Day 6656 - 9/21 - Unknown week
Today I don't know what to expect. Maybe I can get back to pen and paper stuff. My eyes have been so bad lately I haven't had enough mental or visual focus to do it in what feels like forever. But hopefully I can have an ok day.
Day 6657 - 9/22 - Maybe restful Tuesday
Today hopefully will be a restful day. Maybe I can do some creative stuff, whether or not that is for my pen and paper stuff or not. I like doing creative stuff and sharing with people who appreciate it.
This week I may hear back from what I think is my aunt, though honestly it has been 6 months now and no one on that side of the family seems to have tried to inform me about what's up with dad. And after her and my cousins specifically not reaching out to me in the last 40 years I expect she will just ignore my letter. But who knows, maybe I can finally get some news on what happened and maybe why I wasn't informed of it sooner.
