Week 941
Day 6581 - 7/8 - Car heart attack
Today I have been completely freaking out. The morning started very badly. When I started the car it started pretty much as expected, but on top of the regular sounds was what sounded like the starter repeatedly running, 'vvvrrrnnna' over and over. I freaked out and so I turned off the engine, but it kept going even with the key out. I panicked and thought maybe starting it again would un-stick it, but the constant starter was still going. I figured maybe if I put it into gear and drove for a bit then it would reset. I drove a couple of blocks, parked, but it still continued. I paniced and drove to the ex-garage but by that point the only thing I could think to try would be to disconnect the battery.
Discovering that disconnecting the battery did work I tried to calm down. I waited about 5 minutes, then tried reconnecting the battery. There was a bit of a spark and it tried to start revving even though the key hadn't turned to start it. I disconnected it again. I was on the verge of tears. I waited 10 minutes then tried reattaching the battery again and everything seemed normal. I tried to restart and while it had a bad time doing so, it seemed to start ok.
I again tried to calm down and drove straight to the library. Though the car was exhausted sounding from its heart attack it seemed ok. I waited about 5 minutes after stopping then decided to see if it would start ok. It started while sounding a bit tired still, but seemed to start without any crazy issues.
I tried my best to stay calm and have an ok day at the library, but was still very worried. When I left, I crossed my fingers and hoped things would be ok. If they seemed ok that would mean hopefully it was just a onetime event and I would proceed as normal. It still seemed tired, but started ok. I proceeded with my normally planned evening, making a detour to the food store since my time before the library had been lost. When I left the store it still seemed a bit of an odd start but ok overall. I parked in the evening sleeping spot.
Now I am still on the verge of tears and panic. After I stopped I felt like I should try and start again, because really the only way I will feel better is with more ok starts, even if they sound a bit wobbly, but it didn't start. There was no starter noise; zero reaction to moving the key to the second position. I just let it sit for about 30 minutes more, because I needed another try or would be on the verge of tears all night. And thank the gods it started on that try.
I don't know what this means at this point. It seems very unlikely to be fully safe or reliable. But if all it needs is a rest of 30 minutes between each drive, I probably can adjust my movements to account for that. It wouldn't be great, but there is no way I can afford to replace the starter if that's an issue. An online estimate shows $400-1000, and since this is an older car I expect that will be closer to the high end than not. And while that is less than it would be for a replacement used car, I can't afford either. (Checking in my area I could get to there is only 1 for about $1500 and one other at $2500, and I don't know what kind of work those would have that needed to be done if they aren't fully working.)
So for tonight I pray and hope the car can hang on. That it was all just a onetime event and that the weirdness that followed will clear up and none of it happens again. Tomorrow morning will bring hope or heartbreak when I try and start things. All I can do is pray I can calm down enough to sleep, at least some, and that tomorrow things are more normal. And continue to hope that I, and the car, can continue to hang on.
Day 6582 - 7/9 - Destroyed by walking
Today has been the worst. In the morning the car started ok, so I went ahead and drove to the shower place. Since I knew things were risky I let the car rest while I showered, then I walked a medium sized block to the food store and back. It wasn't too far, just about 10 minutes each way on my very bad feet. When I got back to the car it didn't start. I tried and tried. I waited a short bit, still nothing. So that meant I had to leave it and spend 30-45 minutes walking to the library if I wanted time there. I made it before open with literally 1 minute to spare.
I told my friend who just visited about the troubles since when we parted he told me to contact him if any emergencies came up. I'd called my favorite repair place and they were estimating $100 to be sure the starter is the issue and $350-400 for the fix. He said he could help if it wasn't too much, which I assumed that to mean that estimate was ok.
I hoped to delay that as long as possible, and thankfully when I got back to the car after another 30-45 minute walk, it started and I got it to the night spot ok. But checking a few minutes after stopping, it was again doing it's no response after turning the key.
I am prepared for the worst. I will get up extra early just in case there is more trouble.
Day 6583 - 7/10 - Amazing friend
Today started way too early. I had set my wake up alarm for an hour earlier than even the early time, but I woke up an hour even before that, likely due to my being too stressed out and nervous about the car.
As I figured, it didn't start at all. I towed it to my favorite shop who is always super nice to me and they said they would let me know what they found. I guess they started right away because I left the shop and had only been walking for less than 10 minutes (towards the library, which in total would be a 30-45 minute walk) when the guy called me. He laughed and said it took less than 10 seconds to verify that it was the starter, so he wouldn't charge me the $100 for the inspection. So that was super nice. He said he'd start work soon and it should be ready a bit into the afternoon.
In the late morning, not even barely 2 hours later than that call they called and said it was ready. My friend who helps me sometimes had already called them to pay for it. From the looks of the bus schedule I would have to leave immediately to catch it to go down there, or in an hour for the next one. I was completely burn out on walking, and even taking the bus would be about a 15 minute walk to the stop, then 5 more to the shop. I decided to wait, but I guess the schedule was wrong and it came twice as often as listed, so I caught one down to the shop immediately. I came back to the library as quickly as I could, a 20 minute walk and short bus ride reduced to about 5 minutes by car. At that point I was settled in for the rest of the day, but my legs, feet, and back were destroyed. Walking around the library it was like my legs were wooden puppet legs. I would have to push them forward by rotating my hips, and they flopped forward.
I also got word from my friend that he sent some extra help money to also take care of the tires. (I'd mentioned how bad they were during his visit, but maybe the repair shop mentioned it too since it was listed they should be replaced on the work receipt.) So I have an appointment for the place I get tires from to do that Wednesday a little earlier than I normally leave the library. They charged some extra stupid fees which added up very quickly. At the end of the extra fees and tax it increased the cost beyond the tires by +50%.
I'm back in my regular evening spot now. But with all of the extra sadness, my destroyed legs, feet, and back, and the whirlwind which has been the past few days, I wouldn't be surprised if it took me a while to recover and feel homeless normal again. I pray nothing else goes bad, because these last 6 months have been an insane amount of extra costs already.
Day 6584 - 7/11 - So much sneezing
Today I have so much sneezing. I guess it's really been the past few days. At one point I'd sneezed so much that I got a little dizzy, probably from not being able to breathe between sneezes.
I am still very sore from all the walking. My feet kill me with every step. By the time I left the library my legs had recovered a little. I'm almost not stepping weird now, so that is something at least. Though my back has also been killing me and not standing right. I am very slow and have a lot of trouble straightening after sitting.
The new starter is super good. It goes 'V-VRR' then starts, at a medium tone. Before it used to be a slower 'vvvvrrruhruh vvvvrrruhruh' then start, with a lower tone. I also smell less oil. I wonder if they hosed off the engine. I think due to the age of the car and the bad oil pressure seal it probably leaks a bit constantly, then burns that, and creates a smell. It's not a super fast leak, maybe less than 1 quart every year and a half or so.
It still feels like I'm in a different world. So many terrible things have happened to shake up my sad life lately. It would be very nice for something nice which had lasting effects to happen instead of something nice being necessary to cover for damage and loss. My friend's visit day was the best, and I wouldn't have been able to survive without his help over the years, especially with these most recent troubles. But it feels extra crushing to have all of this bad stuff happen, and any time I try and make things better, like with my pen and paper stuff or my podcast and site stuff, to not get any lasting good effects from those to balance the bad.
Day 6585 - 7/12 - Starting to feel better
Today I am starting to feel better. When I immediately started the car this morning there was a huge relief, as if a huge weight had lifted and I was only just then noticing it's absence. It's probably been years since I've held that weight; a constant stress of if the car would or wouldn't start. Previously it was really just the cold months that I would worry, as its starting revs would get very low. As well as the constant worry if it was the battery, which until the recent change I knew has been bad for the past couple of years. But I guess it's only just now that my body has been able to start letting go of that stress. The battery had to be replaced at the start of the year. It couldn't wait anymore. And now the starter too. And I think just now on a physical level I'm starting to let go of those constant fears and stress. (And Wednesday evening I can finally let go of the tire worry, leaving only the worry about if the car will get fussy on super hot days or trips over about 10 miles, which I never do.)
So today will be a day of rest and recovery hopefully. For the past week or so I've been watching amusement park ride videos. When I was maybe between 5 and 16 when we would go to my grandparents in Phoenix we would stop at Disneyland once or twice a year. I always found the happy people and various sounds and music in whatever area I was in very soothing. The sounds of the rides repeating with happy people in the background. It's been almost 30 years since I last went.
Watching rides I loved, and seeing my old friend who I knew for a lot of those years, has brought back a lot of me in a happier part of my life to the shell of what remains. I feel a small bit of hope and light again. I remember what the sun felt like on my skin when I was at the park, and the smells and sounds still echo in my memory. Maybe I can hang on long enough to get back to something closer to a normal life. And just maybe someday I can become the me from long ago who would go to the park now and then.
Day 6586 - 7/13 - Still recovering
Today hopefully I can still be resting and recovering from the recent troubles. Maybe I can get back to trying to do pen and paper stuff. And maybe I can continue to hang on and be at least partly ok.
Day 6587 - 7/14 - Probably still recovering
Today I will probably still be trying to be as restful as I can and recover. Maybe today my legs and feet will be mostly recovered. My back likely will take a bit longer. It always seems very slow to recover. I guess after I do recover I should go back to making a bigger effort to do some light stretching and working out even just a few days a week. As I get older punishing times seem extra brutal to recover from, so maybe the light workouts are becoming more important to get back to.
Week 942
Day 6588 - 7/15 - Brain melting hot
Today I am trying to stay cool while I wait for them to get my new tires that my friend covered. It is way too hot outside, and it was yesterday too. It's probably 100F by now.
I guess today is ok. My system is never great in the extreme heat, so I'm trying to hang on as best as I can. But nothing bad happened so far, so hopefully the tires will change fine and the evening will cool down quickly.
(Later) For the tire change they said there was an issue in that the tires the website told me to get were a different size than the two I was keeping. Everything worked out fine in that he changed the price on ones that were the same price that they had, so that was good. And maybe speaking of lasting good things happening to me, it seems he replaced the windshield wipers. They were bad and kind of messed up, but I said I couldn't afford new ones. But after the tire change when I was walking around looking at things I noticed they had been changed. I couldn't say thanks because he was on the phone, but that was super nice. So maybe today some lasting good things happened to me.
Day 6589 - 7/16 - Feeling maybe sad
Today I feel a little more hopeful about things, but also I feel maybe more sad, probably because of the combination of the fail year turning over and the likelihood my dad is gone. I have been thinking a lot lately about things I used to be or have lost due to various tangents of my sad life. I worry more and more I may not get my remaining 30 years, and if I do get most of them, or even all of them, what will the quality of them be? Will they be increasingly homeless and sad? Will I recover at least some of a normal life? If I do, how much of my lost health can I regain?
I suppose we never really know how much time we have, and so I should be grateful I am still here each day. And I am. I guess lately it just feels that still being here and simply existing may be all I get.
Day 6590 - 7/17 - End phase one
Today ends what I have been calling 'dad check; phase one.' I sent him a card Tuesday, so that should have gotten to him yesterday, or today at the extreme latest. So if he got it today would be the most likely digital response, be that an email or e-card, though neither has come. So with phase one as a 'negative' result we move on to phase two, which is the next week of time. During this phase is the time I would receive a physical response; be that something new or my card via 'return to sender' (in the event he passed long enough ago his wife moved out or something and different people are living at his place.)
It would be sad if he were gone in that would mean he left 1 year short of his dad, and that there no longer would be a chance for him to acknowledge the terribleness of how he raised me and for us to move past that in any way. Though he has had 40+ years to do that already, so it seems he's likely had no interest or is oblivious to how hurtful and damaging it was to me.
The day was cut very short due to an eye poking. We did do one this time, so that was bad and terrible as always, but as far as they go this was ok. So far I've had no negative side effects so that is good. The next poking in late August we may try a new one that is supposedly outside and mostly not poking. We'll see how things progress between now and then before deciding.
So I guess today was pretty ok all things considered. At least nothing got worse, and some days that is enough.
Day 6591 - 7/18 - Spaced day
Today I was pretty far off emotionally. Not in a bad way really, just way off of normal. I did my hour or so in my MMO like I usually do at the start of my library time, but in the background I had videos running because I just couldn't focus on anything. My vision was complete crap. I was unable to even see my laptop screen clearly by that point, so that likely contributed a lot to my inability to focus for the day. After I had lunch I still had zero focus physically or emotionally. I basically burnt the rest of the day on random rabbit holes watching various things. I guess I have more knowledge about those things now, but there really wasn't much need for that.
I really wonder if my prescription was right. During the low level eye check they do at the eye poking my good eye is supposedly 20/20. But I can't help but think how is that possible? Sure, I know what the letters are, but after the 3rd largest they were all blurry as hell, and the 20/20 image is like 10 or 12 images down. If that were another language I'd have zero ability to recognize the letters due to how blurry they are. If I squint and pull my eyelid sides so it smooshes my eye I can clear up the image to be not blurry. Wouldn't that indicate I should have a stronger prescription?
I guess for a day off that was a lot of rabbit hole information I don't really need it was a pretty good day. I survived ok, though I'm peeing about 6x as much as normal with the same amount of liquid as normal, which seems weird. But nothing bad happened and some days this feels like it is a sufficient positive in my troubled times.
Day 6592 - 7/19 - Strange guard
Today I have felt a bit distracted again. I don't feel great in my tummy either. I've had not great bathroom experiences today and yesterday, and I still feel like I'm peeing at least 4x as much as normal while drinking the normal amount. I am sneezing and very sniffly lately, so maybe I have a cold and that is throwing my system off.
There is some random guard walking around today. I would guess the library hired him. They did that for a while after the lockdown reopening, but why now? They removed the cameras I'm tempted to say about 1.5 years ago, so why have a guard now? If you are removing cameras, which are a passive surveillance, for privacy reasons, why change to an active one where people can see they are actively being observed? That's the opposite of privacy. And if this is for security this seems an odd choice since this guy is not very fit looking. He looks like a thief could very easily outrun him, especially if they were someone younger. And it seems like he's only walking by once every 45 minutes. The building is big, but it's nowhere near that big. It should be happening twice as frequently if they expect to get any real coverage. With that infrequency a thief would just have to wait 5-10 minutes after he passed before acting. And I just saw a guy laying down and sleeping on a bench (which the bench area I stopped being near had 2, sometimes even 3 people, sleeping), so it doesn't seem to be to enforce a non-sleeping rule. There was something set up in the garden area, so maybe he's a special guard for that? It seems a strange change. I guess I'll know more after a few days or a week of seeing or not seeing him.
Day 6593 - 7/20 - Probably still distracted
Today I expect I will probably still be distracted. With all of my general health issues pointing to having a cold lately, and my eyes refusing to see literally more than two feet away from me, things are extra difficult lately. I guess though it is a nice break from current me look at and experience different thoughts and content. It kind of makes me feel less stuck and like maybe I still have options and paths forward.
Day 6594 - 7/21 - Probably distracted Tuesday
Today I'll probably still be distracted. My physical things going on will likely be slow to change. I hope though I can get back to pen and paper creating soon. I did make one not full price sale and one full price lately, and though that is during the last two weeks time, certainly not the daily activity I'd hoped for, I suppose that is not nothing.
So I continue to try to hang on. I continue to hope I get better and at least get back to homeless normal levels. And hopefully I can continue on until better days.
