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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 8: Endless Void

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 393

Day 2745 - 1/6 - More of a cold

Today was pretty good. I started to feel balanced again. I talked with some people I knew. But I had a pretty bad cold yesterday, and today my voice is basically gone. I kind of sound like when I was 12 because part of my tonal range is completely gone. The congestion and cough are getting better pretty quickly, but I've been starving. I'm having to eat way more than I should (which still isn't as much as normal), but I'm ok with spending a bit more to do that if it means I get my voice back and get over my cold.

I spoke to the doc today and I was a bit sad. She was all super excited about my numbers being so much better. But I couldn't get excited because I have basically no control of my diet in what I can afford to eat. I can't attribute any potential changes to eating or being better. So, it was sad to remind her of my sad life and that until my life is normal and I have the opportunity to change such things, I can't celebrate a good change as something I am doing better. Still, it was good to hear things were not getting worse.

Despite things being better-ish lately I've had an oddly difficult time both getting to sleep and not waking up earlier than I should. I don't know if it's excitement for school, the cold, or just the continuing cold weather and everything that comes with it. But again I hope to get to sleep quickly and well, and that I get rested and am better from my cold tomorrow.

Day 2746 - 1/7 - New bunny

Today had some nice surprises so it was pretty good. I am still pretty sick, and my voice is super messed up, so I sound like I'm 12, but my class I'm in was good. It seemed like it will be a lot of work stuff, but I should be ok. And the class I'm TAing that is the fun one seems like it will be extra fun, so that is good.

The other TA in the class gave me a surprise Xmas gift of a totally cute stuffed bunny. I don't know what to name the bun, but he spent most of the day with me and is now safely tucked away with the bun family.

In the evening I checked the ex-house because I got word of a thing from dad there. It was a surprise extra check for a little bit more, which is super helpful. I'd like to use it for something fun, but sadly I really should get next month's car insurance paid now while I probably have it. There is enough gas for two weeks or so, so I should be ok. I may or may not have enough for the laundry after. There may not be enough to keep more gas in reserve too, so we'll see. It's still winter, so I can get away with changing cloths a bit less often. My top is covered by my hoodie 90% of the time, so people don't see what is under that, so it should be ok.

But today turned out pretty good for a change.

Day 2747 - 1/8 - So hungry

Lately I've been extremely hungry. Like maybe double what I'd eat when not homeless kind of really hungry. I'm not entirely sure if it's because I've been rationing so much lately, or if it's because I'm getting over my cold and the tummy needs food to fight it off. I'm trying to feed it as much extra as I can afford within reason, but I can only go so far. But it's an odd dilemma. If I need it to get fully better, but don't get enough, how much longer will it take?

Today was pretty good but went very quickly. I have a Friday class again this quarter, so that took most of the day. I had time for barely 45 minutes of play in the morning before watching a quick show with lunch, then there was class, then I had time for basically two shows after and that was my day.

I guess all in all today was ok, despite not having a lot of time for me, having a headache, and being super hungry.

Day 2748 - 1/9 - Not quite

Today I am not quite better from my cold. I'm almost better though. My voice isn't totally lost and scratchy, but now the congestion is down lower in my lungs a bit.

I checked my monies and I don't quite have enough to pay the next car insurance. Not safely at any rate. I'd have been left with something like $3, which would be a terrible idea. I will go as slow as I can on spending and save as much as I can though, as it is likely any donation would put me over since I'm ok on gas for the moment.

Today seemed a bit weird. I went to school to shower. Though there were swim and track classes there was no one at all in the locker rooms. Which is better for showering, but a bit odd feeling. Then when I got to the library, not only was being back there a bit odd feeling, but I had to start my day with a class assignment. So that kind of threw things off a bit. Not in a bad way, just put them in a weird direction.

Again my cold has me starving. If I could afford to again I think I'd eat 50-75% more than my normal amount. At least I hope it's because of my cold that I'm so hungry. I really can't think of what else it could be.

Hopefully soon I'll be back to normal feeling again in all things.

Day 2749 - 1/10 - Almost all clean

Today I finally did my old laundry. Nothing stood out as being off in an unusual way. And since it was just shorts and pants, nothing smelled horrible. Though just to be sure I did find a dryer sheet that had just a bit of fragrance left and used it just in case. So almost all of my clothes are clean. It's only almost because I didn't wash what I was wearing, and there were only a few things left out to be sure all the old stuff was done. Sadly I'll need to spend an extra $5-7 when I do the next load as I am completely out of soap.

The weekend at the library is over and I'm glad of it. For some reason it seemed extra sad being there, even though the other regular gamer there waved hi to me both days. Maybe it's just that the longer I've been homeless each time I put things away is just another reminder that I have to put things away. I am not in a home where things can be left out. And in addition to that, there isn't anywhere I am going when I do put things away. It is just I am pushed out of where I am and can't be there any longer.

I guess today was ok though. While I am still very hungry much of the time, I am mostly over my cold. I am still congested and coughing a bit, but my voice is nearly normal again. And my old cloths are finally clean again, which is a great relief. But I am looking forward to being back at school. I actually have people meeting to do a project for one class tomorrow, which should both be fun and greatly help to distract me from the sad things.

Day 2750 - 1/11 - Project not project

Today was busy busy with school stuff. In the morning I spent probably as much time as a project would have taken sending emails back and forth with someone changing plans from this morning to tomorrow morning. So that seemed really wasteful.

In the afternoon I did what I could of another project I have. I kind of did what I could of another project I have. I kind of did that backwards, as I am missing the primary bit, so I did all the secondary bit. I guess it was ok, but had I known the project wouldn't happen this morning I could have set things up in the proper order of primary first. So that was... annoying. I'll likely forget what happened in a week, but still.

I didn't have much of the day left after that. I got to spend a couple hours on show watching, and barely an hour playing, but that was it.

My cold is mostly better. I'm still a bit off, as I'm congested, but I guess that's good in that it means it is loosening up. Hopefully in a few days I'll finally be completely over it.

I guess today wasn't that bad. It probably was closer to what a regular day would be than not. But still, there are so very many things off balance from what is missing in my life, both big and small.

Day 2751 - 1/12 - Movie star bun

Today is just starting out. In many ways it will hopefully go how I planned yesterday. In theory I have my class group shoot, then in the afternoon I'll edit it and do my solo project shoot. I have my bun who is going to be the star here with me, so I can shoot his stuff either way. (Though I seem to have forgotten my tripod, so I'll have to go back to the car for that at some point.)

It's chilly outside, but overall it's been getting warmer lately. I'm still not completely over my cold. There is a lot of congestion, some coughing, and some sneezing. But hopefully with class projects to do today should go quickly and be pretty fun.

Week 394

Day 2752 - 1/13 - Feeling broken hearted

Today went fairly normally. It was nice to have a sort of calm break from all the school work for a bit and have a slower morning.

In the afternoon I finished the school projects I've had come up lately. Neither needed as much done as I thought, so again things slowed down more than expected.

Today was pretty slow, but in a good way. In an odd way this week has felt very slow so far. Maybe it's my cold altering my perception. Maybe it's just so much going on and calming down again that it feels like a lot has happened. I'm not sure.

I've had an odd feeling lately. Maybe that is part of the slow feelings. I feel sad. I feel like nice and fun things just around the corner will be out of reach for me. I feel like the food situation will remain bad. I feel like I won't get as much support in the coming days. And in addition to all of this external sadness, I feel an odd feeling in and around my heart. My heart feels off, as if part is inactive or being poked. And overall I just feel tired and weak. Maybe it is just the eternal sadness weighing on me physically making me feel heartbroken lately. I'm not sure.

All I can do is hope the rest of tonight remains ok, and tomorrow is a better day.

Day 2753 - 1/14 - Destabilized

Today I feel a bit destabilized. My schedule has been thrown off lately and I've been doing things in a different order. Some things are safe, but others seem a bit at risk of bad things happening. It makes me worried that the trend of bad signs (that are outside of my control) will continue.

I suppose since many things are not mine I should not relax. Because in such a situation I really can't. Since I have no place, I am always at risk.

But living in constant fear, always worrying, always looking over my shoulder, fearing where I am and having an even greater fear of change... is all a terrifying place to be even when you have a place. But when you don't, when it is everything you are, it is far worse.

Day 2754 - 1/15 - Homesick and heartbroken

Today I feel homesick and heartbroken. Though I actually had a good day. A project I did that I was not happy about wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. And in class I laughed and had a very good time.

But I think in a way that contributed to my feeling sad. At the end of it everyone went their separate ways. They said their goodbyes and wished each other a happy weekend. They were going home, happy the week is over and ready for a long weekend. But not me. I couldn't. There was nowhere for me to go.

I feel like when I was about eight on my first sleepover. I remember feeling sad. I remember missing the comforts of my bed, my stuffies, my things. I remember feeling extremely sad and putting my jacket over my head when we were at a movie and I got cried. I wanted nothing more than to go home. The friend's parents comforted me as much as they could, but I couldn't go home. I cried and cried. My parents had gone out of town. I couldn't be picked up. There was no home to go back to.

That's how I've been feeling a lot lately. I am on the verge of tears thinking about it. All I want is to go home. To stop feeling overwhelmed by all the things. To be able to feel the comforts of home. To be in the familiar place, surrounded by my things, my stuffies, and the things I find comfort in.

But no matter how much I wish it could be, it can't.

Day 2755 - 1/16 - Long weekend

Today went very quickly. Though I remember having lunch, and I mostly remember the day, it only feels like half as much time has passed. I suppose it was a fine day all things considered. I got to sleep in a bit. I got to be in the library which was pretty warm. I got to play whatever games I had that I wanted.

But things seemed very sad. I still feel very heartbroken. I don't know if it is all the people I've met who are moving on lately while I kind of need to stay still, or if it's people I've met lately who are doing fun job stuff and have lives I would like for myself. But lately I've been very extra sad about what has become of my life, my situation, and how sad my future outlook seems.

Maybe it's just the long weekend. I didn't even know it was one until Friday. It wouldn't be so bad, but so many things will be closed. School is closed. The library is closed. And so, my options of where I can be inside are very limited.

I don't know how quickly my broken heart can heal. From recent visits inside there are still signs it might in just a few months or maybe a year. But I wonder... with everything being different... with probably still so much change when it does come... will I ever fully recover? Or will there always be scars from my broken heart?

Day 2756 - 1/17 - Morphing cold

Today started pretty well. I checked school for a shower, and it was open and no one was around. And then I went in to the lower cafeteria area because I figured the church group would be there, and they were. Which meant I also got to micro some lunch. My time at the library after that went pretty good as well.

But today I have been plagued by a cold. It just won't go away. It's like each week it's morphed into something different. At first it was in my nose. Then it moved down to my throat. Now it is heavy congestion in my lungs and a flakiness in my throat that makes me cough a lot.

I worry because it's not going away quickly. I don't have much money left for medicine type cough drops. And getting even slightly fancy cooked food at $5 is out of the question because I don't have enough.

And tomorrow almost everything will be closed. I will likely be outside. Which won't be completely terrible if it's not colder than it has been lately, but it will be far colder than what I should be in to recover.

As always, things are out of my control, and all I can do is hope for the best.

Day 2757 - 1/18 - Sundown freeze

Today passed I guess better than expected. The morning was spent at the food store. I passed quickly enough and I actually had a reasonable connection and could watch shows. In the afternoon I went over to school to sit outside. I wasn't about to spend more than 12 hours in one spot. To my surprise it was pretty warm. Though looking at the weather online, today is unusually warm at about 5F higher than the rest of the week. I played for a bit on a new game I am testing, and watched a show.

In the evening after the sun went down the temperature plummeted and I had no choice but to go back to the food store for a bit.

Thankfully the day, and the weekend, passed quickly. In a home with the peace and comforts of being in a home I likely would have been able to do more, especially school projects. But I am ok with how things went, and thankful things can hopefully return to homeless normal tomorrow.

Day 2758 - 1/19 - Starting on a Tuesday

Today feels a bit strange since the week is starting on a Tuesday. I'm sure I'll be thrown off for the rest of the week.

I still have some gas and some food money, but as that dwindles down I worry. I haven't gotten any donations/support since Xmas, which isn't terribly surprising. But still, with things running out I begin to worry again.

I am back in my usual spot and can o all my normal things. Plus, there are some projects I should do that can help distract me, so hopefully today should be pretty good.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2016
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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