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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 8: Endless Void

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 401

Day 2801 - 3/2 - Itchy and tired

Today I am again super itchy and totally exhausted. It's odd though, because today started feeling somewhat energized and hopeful. Yet by the time it got to the end I felt sad and exhausted. All I want to do is sleep quickly, safely, and well, and not wake up until I absolutely need to get up and move.

I felt a bit better today and did a bit more game playing. But still, so many days I feel so depressed about having no perceptible future I don't feel in the mood to play. I suppose it has more to do with how much time I've spent in my games now. In my MMO I've played probably more than 15 played days. In my single player game since getting it at Xmas I've played more than 150 hours. In my game I supported on kickstarter years ago I've played tons since it released a few months ago, not counting the pre-release time played. So, I think because the main games I play are no longer 'new', they feel 'old'. And all my 'old things' feel like they will be lost with so much else in my life that I've lost.

But I continue. I try o hang on to hope. I try to hang on and believe there are those who care and worry and that help will come. And though I feel adrift and lost in life, I continue to hope things will be ok again someday, and I'll find my way back to solid ground once more.

Day 2802 - 3/3 - Exhausted

Today I still feel very exhausted. I started the day feeling ok, but as it went on I just rapidly got more and more tired. It could be I have a cold. I have been congested in my lungs and a touch sneezy. I have been extra hungry and had some pretty big cravings. But being so far out from where I could afford to eat 'fancy' even just once a week that doesn't really surprise me.

I guess today was ok. It seemed to pass very quickly. I didn't get to do much with my morning. I played for less than an hour and watched one show. Then it was time for class. After, there was a bit of a break before the class I TA, but it was barely an hour.

I suppose today was ok though overall. My things I have left stayed ok. Nothing new that was bad happened. So, for my life, days like that often should be counted as good days.

Day 2803 - 3/4 - Another wash

Today I am again super sad. I think I have been all day, though I didn't really realize it until late in class. The morning went pretty neutral, though upon reflection I was kind of 'snippy' to someone who was talking to me in the morning. Most of class I was kind of miffed because we were supposed to be doing a thing, but it looked like almost everyone was doing the thing in a different way. And then late in class when the professor told me she was basically expecting me to act in front of the camera next week, while also in front of everyone else, in the main role for that scene, after I've repeatedly mentioned to everyone I'm not comfortable in front of the camera... well, I was very aware of how sad I am about that and how I look and feel at this stage of my life right now.

I'm doing a wash, again. I got another super nice donation. It's not enough to do much other than give a small cushion. It can't pay for a bigger thing, but it is enough for gas and to do something like consider another wash. So I did that. I considered and pondered, and decided since I can't even remember the last time I washed the 'bed stuff' I'd do that. It's probably been a year or more. Back when I had an actual bed I'd change the sheets at least once a week, and the covers never went longer than a month. Hopefully them not being stinky will help me sleep better and easier.

Though with all the other big bills being due I have a feeling without a big donation to cover at least some, they will continue to weigh on my soul no matter how much my mood about cloths improves.

Day 2804 - 3/5 - Pouring

Today I seem very sad. I don't know if it's just regular life stuff, or if it's because it's gray, pouring rain, and super windy. What would otherwise be a bright warm spring day has turned into something everyone runs and hides inside from.

I was inside. At least up until a few minutes ago. It's a flea market day at school, so they have part of the cafeteria open from the morning until about 4. So now the day is mostly over, but the night hasn't even begun yet.

I know what I'd do in a home on such a day. I know how I'd feel. I know what I may or may not do different from other weekend days. But since I cannot do those things, since I am an outsider to those things quite literally, it feels like all I can do is try to hang on.

Day 2805 - 3/6 - Mister stinky

Today was actually pretty good. I started at school and got to micro a soup for lunch. After, since it was pouring rain all yesterday and most of last night, I went to the library. That way I wouldn't have to worry about being outside of school in the rain. I don't think it rained much all day though. Even now there is only a little sprinkle.

When I got to the library for some reason I became extremely tired. As if I'd not slept well. Which is odd since the 'bed stuff' washing I've slept super well. (Though I still have difficulty actually getting to sleep from all the stress.)

And I became really profoundly sad as well when mister stinky came to my side of the library. Even at nearly 20 feet away, when the AC blew around me I could smell his stench and felt sick. I don't know how anyone can sit closer to him. I remember if I get within 10 feet of him I feel like throwing up.

I probably got sad because I can see myself winding up like him someday. Though I'd like to think I would never get bad because I could always go to shower at school even in the worst conditions. I was probably extremely sad because if I do lose my car, if I do not have enough spare to wash cloths every now and then, I can see how my stink would pile up.

But today was actually pretty ok. I played some games and watched some shows. I even played a game I've had for probably about six months that I got for free and it was super fun. It's a side scrolling, shooting, find secret rooms kind of thing. I'm not sure how long it will last, but it's been super fun so far.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Being as sad as I have been lately is not only tough overall for motivation, but it affects my mood overall as well, in addition to it making it even tougher to sleep. Hopefully tomorrow bunny will not be as sad as today bunny.

Day 2806 - 3/7 - 86%

Today was a bit different. Not in a good or bad way, in kind of an evenly both way. The morning was pretty regular. I got settled in, checked for jobs, played for just a bit, helped on forums a bit, then had lunch.

After lunch it was different. I had a project to edit, so most of my time and afternoon was spent on that. But I figure it's been long enough since Windows 10 launched, and I'd set up an appointment thing for my system to update, that I'd just do the thing early since I knew I'd be busy editing. It estimated 90 minutes, and yoinking a landline seemed to not be firewall blocked to do that, so I was hopeful it would go quickly. I started editing and monitored progress. At 25% it was moving quickly. I checked again a bit later and it was 45%. And later 65%. It seemed very on track for the 90 minute estimate. But then, at about two hours past it seemed to be hanging at 86% for quite some time. I thought it odd, but was still editing. At three hours past the start time it was still stopped at 86%. I looked around and noticed some posts of others getting stuck at 86% and a few said restarting sort of jump started it again. I tried that and 30 minutes later it was still at 86%. So I shut down again, removed the battery, and waited 30 seconds. After booting again it said 'restoring to the previous version'. And about 45 minutes later it did indeed seem to be restored to where it was with Windows 8.1. Phew!

So it seems no Windows 10 for my laptop. At least not right now. I don't want to risk trying again until maybe near the end of my free upgrade window. With no physical disk for Windows 10 or a previous version, if my system were 'bricked' mid-upgrade I'd have no way to reinstall. So it seems too risky to try since I can't afford a total failure.

After that I let my system download a free game I've not played in years. It seemed significantly updated and different. According to the thing I've already played more than 70 hours. No clue how long I'll play this time. I recall it started to feel super grindy and that's why I stopped. (Plus it's playable as a group, so playing solo felt meh.) But for the one hour I played it was pretty fun. It may fill a desire to play a genera of a game I don't otherwise have, so we'll see if I stick with it or go back to just missing that type of game.

I guess it's a good thing that today was different. Though it is not in weather. It is still pouring rain quite a bit like yesterday. Most of today I was cold because they open a door in the hall I sit in for people to come in, so cold air was pouring in and it never got warm there. So hopefully it will stop raining soon and go back to warm spring time.

As always it seems things are out of my control, and all I can do is hope they get better.

Day 2807 - 3/8 - Second fork in the spine

Today I feel pretty good. I started a touch later than I'd hoped, but it worked out fine. The class that showers looks like it was out about 30 minutes early, as two I know who shower were leaving right as I came in. So I basically got a nice private time in the shower, which is super important for feeling better about all the things.

Yesterday when I was using my old console headphones they were getting super floppy on the side. Since the spine is basically broken in three places and needs reinforcement, this morning I reinforced that side of the spine with a plastic fork head as I'd previously done to the other side. If I had a spine from a different headset I could use I'd try replacing this one entirely. The other spines I've had have been an outer spine, and would be too short and the wrong shape.

Later I'll do more editing, which is almost always super fun. I have some writing junk to do, so I may not get much time to play later. But I normally reserve most of Wednesday for that, so I'll probably just do it then. We'll see how my afternoon goes.

It's sunny and getting warmer, so the rain seems to be going away. And with the clear skies and shower, hope seems to be returning to me. It is getting very hard to hang on though. Feeling hopeful is rare these days, as more and more things are coming up and I'm seemingly getting less and less help. I just have to keep believing that Fate and Destiny have me on the proper path I need to be on to find my way to a happier life. Or at least that I will cross paths and help put someone else's life on the track it needs to be.

Week 402

Day 2808 - 3/9 - Exhausted again

Today I feel exhausted again. I am also noticing that I'm extremely tight in my lower back. So I can only conclude I am super incredibly stressed about the upcoming bills at the end of the month that I have absolutely no money for. I'm always hopeful donations and help will come, but as we near the middle and later part of the year that's when more things come up. So I grow increasingly worried help will not come in time, or that because more bills are coming it won't be enough. I still struggle in my searches to find anything and even when my job searches do find stuff that I'm even partly qualified for more and more often they are for cities either 50 miles away, and sometimes even hundreds.

I would say outside of my stress and extreme exhaustion today was a good day, but it kind of wasn't. I did play and watch shows after my usual job and forum checks, so that was good. But I was extremely unmotivated in doing my writing that I need to do for my class. I did it, so that's ready for tomorrow, but it's kind of garbage. I didn't really put the time, effort, or creativity in that I normally would have if I weren't so stressed and exhausted.

Today, nearly all day, I felt beat up, worn out, and from the afternoon on like I was half asleep and would completely pass out from exhaustion at any second. As always, I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 2809 - 3/10 - Unexpected fun

Today was pretty different. The morning was quick because I did my shower then had class. But it turns out I did not have class. After packing up my stuff from and going to the other corner of the building I discovered a note on the door that said class was canceled.

So today turned out to mostly be a play day. I did my usual job and forum check in the morning, but after the discovery of class being canceled I played for four hours until it was time for the class I TA for. A lot of it wound up being lecture, so I wound up playing through about 1/3 of that as well.

It was nice to get a sort of day off to play. I've been so extremely stressed lately and lost so much sleep. And, it is rare these days that I feel in a playful mood due to all the stress and sadness, so that was good.

Hopefully I'll sleep ok tonight. Last night I barely got four hours sleep due to all the stress and sad things. And, as always, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 2810 - 3/11 - Unexpected boredom

Today was actually disappointing and boring. My class was three groups setting up and taking things down to start a scene. They spent practically 75% of the class not directing. Since the class is supposed to be about directing I neither learned anything new and was incredibly bored most of the time just watching them set up and take down.

It was pretty cold and pouring rain as well, so that just made me super sad. With my mind constantly on my life collapsing in on itself, and all the bills and such that need to be paid that I have no money for, the sad things of today made everything else seem extra depressing and sad.

I always hope change will come though. And tomorrow will be a new day. So I try to hang on.

Day 2811 - 3/12 - Rain returns

Today was ok, but seemed extra sad. All day on and off it was raining. I think that put me in a sadder mood, as I ran from cover to cover the few times I was out. Doing that always makes me think how nice that last run is. The one you do to get in your safe and warm home after you are done being out. But there is no finishing being out for me. I am not just out doing chores. I always must be out.

So today served as one of those days that reminded me that I do not have a normal life. My time outside does not end as it should. I can't be restful, calm, and warmed in a home. And that made me extra sad.

Day 2812 - 3/13 - Happy day, sad day

Today is both a happy day and a sad day. Happy because I was in a god enough mood to feel like having fun playing a game. I didn't so much feel like playing to kill time as I actually wanted to genuinely have fun. But sad because I was out in the world. I was cold. I was unwashed and dirty. I'm getting scruffy. I have dirty clothes on. I can not cook. But most of all, because I was out and about I saw Easter candies at the store. And it makes me think that not only do I not know when Easter is this year, but that it doesn't matter if I do. I cannot really get candies to celebrate. I can't afford toys or games to celebrate. I have no friends to play things with or to watch a movie with. While it may be my most important holiday, there really isn't any aspect of it that I can celebrate in a way that I'm used to.

It makes me sad I am unable to do my traditions. Basically at this point they are all lost to me. I can't think of any that I can still celebrate in the way I used to, even just in the small ways I used to on my own.

Maybe next year I can. But it seems this year it will likely again be lost to me. Even if it is still weeks away, it seems unlikely it will be anything more than a regular homeless Sunday.

Day 2813 - 3/14 - Early start

Today I had an early start. Probably due to all the stress, I couldn't sleep until midnight and then woke up half an hour earlier than my alarm would have gone off, getting me up and moving about 45 minutes earlier than normal. I decided to use that to my advantage and not only get all the bits shaved that have been bugging me, but carry over the time today into tomorrow, as I moved my shower ahead by a day.

The rest of my day was actually fairly good. I had time to play after my daily things, and in the early evening I was busy helping people with projects, as this week is the last regular week. I guess next week is finals.

I guess overall I feel ok. Though with the end of the quarter rapidly coming up I again worry. I have no money for a parking permit to continue parking on campus. That's only like $20 for the quarter, and the current one will run out in just a few weeks. Plus there is gas, as small as it is around $8 a week. So even if I don't get money to take classes I still need a place to be. And that best place is school, as I can sleep in my car during the day if need be, cook foods, connect to the Internet, and continue to volunteer and be helpful for the fun class. But at the end of the month I need $85 for car insurance costs, up nearly triple normal because of an extra yearly thing.

So I am very sad, and very worried. Though my costs to continue are small, with no money save for what people send to help I can't cover those things. As always I hope tomorrow is a better day and that change comes, and that there are some out there who care enough to send help until enough change comes that I am no longer in this position.

Day 2814 - 3/15 - Scarey dream

Today is starting off a bit rough. Last night I didn't fall asleep until probably around one, so I lost almost three hours of sleep compared to normal. Then, near the end I had a bad dream. In the dream I was going to be filling in for a character in a sort of ongoing series. But it was a real person, so it was mostly living their life. They were an action star driver in a hybrid 50s style and modern style world. But what made it terrible was that they were a ghost. They could be physical and interact with the world, or become intangible and recover wounds. But in order to become that I had to suffer the same wounds and death that caused them to be like that. I was shot four times, and then to numb the pain of my dying they drilled into my skull. So that was extremely stressful and scary.

But the dream is fading now. And I am in my spot at school, so I am starting to warm up a bit. As I do, my mind and body calm down.

I am still very grateful to have my car. Still very grateful to have school to hang out at and do all the things, and to have my laptop to continue to try and get back a life as well as play and have fun and distract me from my sads while I do not.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2016
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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