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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 8: Endless Void

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 397

Day 2773 - 2/3 - Must be a cold

Today I am really extremely tired. I was yesterday too. I also noticed my voice is a bit off in my recording. I must conclude that I have a cold and that is causing my exhaustion, hunger, and messed up my voice.

I suppose I am not surprised. While not a snowy winter, because that doesn't happen here, I am sleeping in some very cold weather. And school isn't a whole lot warmer, leading me to being cold nearly all the time.

But I suppose today was a decent day. I did some recording in the morning, then did my regular stuff at lunch. After lunch I did a bit of homework, talked to some people, and tried to relax.

Overall the day felt long, but passed surprisingly very quickly. I think I am partly out of it due to my cold. Thoughts are difficult and slow to come. And again, there is an extreme level of tiredness and a pretty high sense of hunger.

Hopefully though I can stay distracted long enough for help to come and to get better. And that, in time, the help will hold me until I am back to at least a somewhat normal life.

Day 2774 - 2/4 - Snapped

Today seemed like a cascade of sadness for me. It started in the shower. The drain wasn't draining completely, not a big issue in itself, but during my shower my towel somehow fell off the shower side where I always keep it and went sploosh into the pool at my feet. While it was dry enough to dry myself, it was soaked in most parts of it, meaning I couldn't just leave it in the car to dry. While it would dry fine like that during the summer time, in the winter more than just a little moist and the towel won't dry during the day. So I had to carry that around all day.

Also, in the shower an old gentleman who showers there often came in. Also not an issue in itself, but he uses this oil that stinks up the entire shower. Not just the one side, but both sides (about a 35 foot long area.) It got so bad I felt like I was going to throw up and started coughing and gagging. I was forced to rush out of my shower early, causing an electric razor to slip through my wet hands and upon landing snapped it's face plate in two. It's glued now, but I won't know until the morning or later if it will hold and be useable like it was. It served both as a reminder that I can't afford to replace things that break and that my life is out of my control and I'm forced to be in public with everything I do.

Lunch and dinner were further reminders, both in that I had to micro my food, and that people who are oblivious can open up the door and interrupt such a simple thing and disrupt even the simple act of preparing food because I'm out in public space.

And tonight we are on the eve of a launch of a game I've been waiting years for. One of only about two that will launch in this entire year that I really want. While I am about $20-25 away from having enough to get it, donations and help have become so rare and far between that being able to get it seems impossibly far.

Today seems filled with what would otherwise be trivial sad events. Events that, with a normal life, would not even be given second though to, as each are small enough costs that they would be a non-issue to regular people. They might even be so trivial they are used as an excuse to toss the old and get something better. But with all of my sad life constantly weighing on me, with all the constant bombardment of sad feelings, memories of better days still lingering, constantly seeing things I miss or don't have around me, everything has a far far greater weight on my soul that feels almost impossible to bear these days.

These days I live in constant fear of losing what little I have left. And each happy thing that comes along that I can't take part in reminds me just how much of life it feels like I am missing. Yet another thing everyone I see on a weekly basis will be talking about and doing that I cannot, reminding me just how much of an outsider I've become to what my life would otherwise be.

Day 2775 - 2/5 - Triple day

Today felt like it was actually three days long. I didn't do anything either. I had my usual morning job and forum check, then a teeny bit of play before lunch. After lunch there was class, which felt like an entire day on its own. Probably because there was a midterm then a lot of in studio time. After that I just hung out in the almost completely empty building until I got late and started feeling super weird being absolutely the only one there.

Things continue to slowly decline. Overall things likely didn't get much more than a tiny bit worse in terms of wear and tear on most things, but it is difficult to not focus on sad things lately.

I do have lots of fun nice things to distract me, and I am very thankful for that, but with recent new sad things there is a renewed spotlight on the old sad things.

It may be extra difficult to do with the weekend coming, but all I can try and do is try my best to re-focus and lose myself in the now and look to things that I can do to keep busy or that I can play to keep happy. I don't know what the future will hold. I can't really count on it, so my best bet still seems to be to focus on now.

Day 2776 - 2/6 - Some good, but mostly bad

Today started off actually very well. I got to the food store and bought some food, and then checked my remaining balance worried that I'd only see about $5 in food stamp money left. But to my happy surprise, I saw what should be there. I was right in that the 'award of $0' was just some kind of reporting glitch. It most definitely looks like I'll get my same amount, so that should safe for at least 6 months. I'll still have to extremely ration to be sure I can keep as much as possible, but that was quite the positive note to start my day.

Today is flea market day at school, so instead of just being open partly for classes the cafeteria area will be open most of the day. I settled in and got a regular lunch and spent most of the day there. I checked for jobs, checked forums, and expected to see some online friends I rarely see, but they weren't there. I was alone, but things weren't too sad. Particularly since I was up from the good news.

That seemingly rapidly turned around in the afternoon. I went out to my usual spot and plugged my system in. I noticed I was not getting any power. I unplugged my system and tried the other plug spot. I feared with recent construction changes in the area that maybe this plug was no longer active. So I checked with my phone. It immediately started charging. I unplugged the plug from both the wall and my system, then plugged it just back into the wall. There was a tiny pop and the smallest puff of smoke. The laptop power brick had definitely died. And I just got this back in September to replace the original one that was being on the fritz.

So all the rest of the day I had to conserve power, not game, and write to the manufacturer. Hopefully I won't have to mail it to them first and wait for them to receive it, as that could take more cash than I have and several weeks to happen. And most of all, hopefully the old one that was failing continues to hold on as long as I need to replace it. I kept it just in case, but I'm still worried about its having power not having power issue.

So literally in the same day that I get even the smallest good news, I get bad. Along with all the other constant bad things weighing on me, this makes things seem much worse.

I try to just look at things one day at a time and look at what I still have that is god, but with so little what would normally be only small struggles seem gargantuan.

Day 2777 - 2/7 - Finding the angle

Today was actually pretty good. I got a shower in the morning, which I wasn't sure I'd be able to do. And then to my surprise the church group was at school. I thought for sure they wouldn't be there due to the super bowl happening just 25 or so miles away. So I got to go in and eat lunch. I found the angle for the plug to work almost right away, and it held strong for the entire time I was inside.

In the late afternoon I moved outside. I had quite the difficulty finding the angle for the plug. It took about 3 attempts at trying for 5 minutes each, pausing for stress and sadness, and re-attempting. I've again moved, and so far with three similar attempts I have not found the right angle.

I don't have my system on yet. I fear the power brick has fully died. It is getting slowly more and more finicky with each attempt to plug it in and get power. And with really only 2.5 hours of non-gaming time I am very concerned about using my system when it is not getting power. If the original brick also dies, if a reply doesn't come soon about the new one, or doesn't come at all, that's it. That time would be all the system has left.

I am getting very concerned for what the future holds. Supporters are still extremely few and far between that basic costs can't be safely covered, so if anything critical like this comes up or is permanent there is no way for me to recover.

Day 2778 - 2/8 - Seems fine?

Today went pretty well. There were a few unexpected surprises.

First, last night after spending over an hour trying to get the old power supply to work and it not working I decided to try swapping a part. Every computer power supply has a standard 3-prong plug port. I figured, well why not try swapping those. And to my shock and surprise the new power supply lights immediately came on. I plugged it in to the laptop and it immediately showed a charge. Today too it ran fine all day, no sign of anything bad.

I'm not sure why it worked. What popped doesn't seem like it could have been just the cable. My only guess is it was some kind of surge protection layer in the power supply and so that charge of protection was used. The manufacturer hasn't replied back, so all I have is a guess.

The second surprise was it was a super nice day. It was like 75F and just a hint of a breeze. It was so nice that I took a small break and walked around outside for a little bit.

And when I got back there was another surprise. I found $5 in my food bag. I suspected someone (I knew) swiped a soda and that was payment, but none were missing. So it seems someone just decided to give me some monies. I have a feeling I know who did it. It was probably one of two people, so that was nice.

Today was pretty good overall. There were those surprises, I helped some people with projects, and I did my regular routine to try and keep away the sad feelings. It was a pretty decent day for a change.

Day 2779 - 2/9 - Good start

Today has had a good start. I got a shower, though it was later than usual, so some class people started coming in. But mister stinky had already finished his shower and the stink was mostly gone, so that was a good trade.

It's warming already and I finally have my winter layer of cloths off. I brought the long underwear just in case, and I don't know if this will last a few days or if it will continue to spring, but things always seem brighter and more hopeful to me when it's warm.

I haven't turned on my system yet, but the plug and system show they are receiving power, so that seems normal. So today has seemingly gone about as well as expected. Hopefully the things I have which constantly make me sad won't bother me too much and the rest of my day will continue to go about as well as can be. That would be a nice end to what was otherwise an extra stressful (Fail) week.

Week 398

Day 2780 - 2/10 - Feeling super sad again

Today I am feeling super sad again. I'm not actually sure why. It could be I have a bit of a cold still. I have felt extremely tired, cold, and have been sneezing. It could be because a few game things have happened lately that I can't do, so I again feel like I am behind and missing out on life and what everyone else I know is doing. Or it may just be things continue to be bad for me, so as time goes on as more and more time passes where I miss who I was, I miss out on things I want to do, and I feel my time may run out for doing the things.

So today I feel very sad, and I have for a few days now. But I continue to try to hang on. I continue to hope that better days come, because I must. And in time, hopefully they will.

Day 2781 - 2/11 - Feeling exhausted

Today I am feeling pretty exhausted. I don't just feel tired and sad, I feel completely worn out.

I think I am examining my life too much lately. There are too many things I miss. There are too many things I feel I am missing out on. There are too many things I had planned for me when I was young that feel like they won't, or can't, happen.

I see so many young people around me in classes doing ok, or doing well, and I can see they will be fine. And in many cases I can see they have happy lives, or are moving towards them. They may not know it yet, they may feel there is too much stress and sadness in their life, but I know when they can take a step back they will see it.

And I think of me, how sad I am, the things I miss or don't have, and I think of all the things they will have, that I have had or won't have, and it makes me sad.

But I do have some things. And I know I do make a difference in their lives by helping. Or at the very least by being entertaining. And I know there is a place for me out in the world, even now at what is probably the worst most stressful days of my life.

But I do still have life. There are pieces I can hold on to. There are dreams and hopes still, and all is not lost yet. So I try to hang on. I try to remember that. And I try to remember something I had forgotten; today is today, and tomorrow may be a better day.

Day 2782 - 2/12 - Unable to focus

Today was sad. I was at the library, so that was ok. I could do all my regular things. Though I was again deeply sad. I was tired and exhausted, so that likely made me vulnerable to sads. But because of all of that I really couldn't focus on anything. I know I checked forums, checked for jobs, played games, watched a few shows, and even did a few extra things. But I couldn't focus. I could have done much more if I could have. And now that the day is over, I don't really remember it.

I will try to hang on to hope. Tomorrow I will again try to just focus on a single day. But tonight, whenever it is I finally sleep, I will hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 2783 - 2/13 - Sad holliday

Today was somewhat of a sad holiday. It's valentines weekend, and I have a homeless life and am alone. During the day it didn't really bother me. In fact, I'd kind of forgotten about it. But when I went to see a movie in the evening I was kind of reminded.

The movie was super good, but it was sad to not have someone to share it with, especially a sweetie.

But all in all I guess it was just a day. And like all others it has come and gone, and I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 2784 - 2/14 - Strange day

Today felt like a strange day. I did a few things different, sure, but mostly it was a pretty regular Sunday. Except for all the places, physical or virtual, were fairly quiet. I assume from people being out and busy with stuff.

I guess today went ok. Nothing bad happened. But also nothing good happened. I maintained my level of where I am. I suppose in many ways when nothing bad happens what little is left in my life that is good, is good. But I constantly fear I will lose what little is left with so few donations and help. There were some pretty regular ones at the end of last year, but since Xmas I have only gotten one donation, not counting the two people through Patreon, and there has been no sign of any of the three who were being so regularly helpful. So I worry. I can't see beyond today. I only have what I have. And I worry with less help the few things that are left may soon be gone.

Day 2785 - 2/15 - Too short

Today started out a bit odd. I decided to trim my fauxhawk because it had gotten super long. Well, it probably wasn't even 1 inch, but still. I had not before because of the razor thing getting broken. Last night I repaired it a second time so it could move. Bu, it turns out I trimmed it way shorter than intended. I guess because of it not moving quite right it was set much shorter than the number previously indicated. I guess it's fine. It will be back to that length in a couple of weeks, but that seemed very odd.

I guess today was pretty good. I spent the morning at the food store, which turned out to really be unnecessary. When I got to school there was a surprising number of people out and about. I expected it to be deserted. But there were lots around doing regular weekend type stuff. So, I didn't feel at all out of place there.

So today was pretty good. I didn't feel out of place at school while it was closed. I got to trim my hair that was bugging me (well, most of it, I still can't shave), I did a bunch of homework project stuff. And I got to watch some shows and play some games. While several hours were still lost because of my sad life that I otherwise could have done stuff with, I feel pretty ok, and actually feel a bit happy with what there was.

Day 2786 - 2/16 - Getting back to (homeless) normal

Today things feel like they are getting back to (homeless) normal. I finally got a shower, so I got to shave off these past 5 days of hairiness. So I am no longer itchy in all the places, my fauxhawk is a fauxhawk again instead of an uneven mess of hair, and I smell a bit cleaner.

It isn't super warm like it was the past few days, but winter is on its way out and it is almost warm enough to consider shorts. So that feels promising.

I guess I am feeling a bit better again. Though nothing has changed, things seem not as bad and I feel helpful at what may come. Hopefully the rest of the day will continue this way.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2016
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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