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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 8: Endless Void

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 395

Day 2759 - 1/20 - Still sad

Today I am still very sad. It's not quite the melancholy heartbreak sad I've felt lately, though that's still there. I think it's more of a lonely abandoned kind of sad feeling.

More and more lately I'm seeing people work in groups for class stuff, but more and more I am reminded when they do that I am left out. No one comes to me as a first pick, or even a second pick. I am left alone.

Though there was one class friend that did ask for my opinion on something he was working on. So that was nice and made me feel appreciated. And as I went to get some micro food from my car I passed by some people I don't see often and they said hi and asked how I was.

But still, today passed very slowly. I felt very sad in the 'real world'. I worry about all my sad things, if I can get enough donations and support to continue. I worry how my tummy is almost always hungry lately, or it is upset at the type of food I am forced to pick from.

So today was about retreat. I played my games. I tried to hide and find comfort in worlds and lives that are not this one. And for a while it worked. But at the end of the night I do have to shut things down. I can't avoid that. At some point the game must be off and I must spend the night hiding in fear hoping I go undiscovered.

Day 2760 - 1/21 - Tired and hungry

Today was ok. But most of the day I was super tired and hungry. Likely the two are directly linked. Because if I don't get enough food obviously I'd not have enough energy to run on. It mostly feels like my early days of being homeless when I was only working one day a week. I am always hungry, lately I've started feeling tire, and very recently the confusion and feeling like I'm in a haze is returning.

I guess besides that though today was ok. I did not have the class I'm in, as it was canceled. So I just had the class I TA in, which went better than it has been as we are starting to get into the fun stuff.

I am still worried about all the things as stuff runs out and there still have been no donations since Xmas. I am still humbled and overwhelmed by the gifts and donations I did get, but the reality of time ticking on and using them up is rapidly catching up to me.

Day 2761 - 1/22 - The dinner

Today started very sad. In the morning all through class I was very sad. I guess just because of all my life things weighing down on me. And maybe too feeling like everyone else is doing well and prospering in life, yet I am being left behind.

Things got a bit better in the evening. I got a donation to help me out, and I finally did the dinner with the professor. The odd thing was that I picked the place to eat because it smelled good, but most things on the menu were scary to me. Thankfully there were a few things I could eat and people had a good time. (Though it was very loud and difficult to talk and hear.)

For the moment my spirit is bolstered, but I fear as things slow down again in the night the sadness will return.

Day 2762 - 1/23 - So quick

Today went by super quick. I played my game a bit in the morning and there were people I used to group with all the time that I haven't seen in forever. But I wasn't super happy to see them. I have been so sad and broken hearted lately.

But with my games and being able to use my laptop and car I can at least be somewhat elevated to 'sad'.

I guess it was less than six months ago that things weren't so bad, but it seems these days it is getting tougher, and more and more I struggle with all the sad things because it seems all I see around me are things I've lost or things that seem like they will be lost soon.

I am trying to stay positive. I think of those who do worry and care about me. And it is something to know there are those out there who do care. So even though my life is limited, even though it seems everything I gain can't really be acted upon just yet, I try to hang on. I try to stay ok until the day comes my sad things are less sad, or gone, and maybe then I can remember what it is to be happy and live without constant fear and worry.

Day 2763 - 1/24 - Just today

Today I felt heartbreakingly sad for most of the day again. It is tough to not these days. But in the later evening I started to feel less sad. I am again trying to re-focus on what I do have. What there is for me just today.

While the odds are good that I have almost as many years left as I've already had, as both my grandparents lived to 87, and my dad is still around at about 76, the reality is that most people don't get all their years. I have already known someone who died at somewhere around 30, and my mom died at 30 as well. So, not everyone gets all their time.

Money and opportunity would certainly make such an outlook and lifestyle much easier. It's what I had much of my life. In recent years it has been very hard to do because everyone wants, and needs, things to look forward to; things just around the corner that are happy.

When I was young my dad would tell me to stop looking at my feet when walking. Most of my life I've not had anything to look forward to. And now it seems if I want to or not I must avert my eyes and look to my feet, for if I look ahead I see much more darkness and void than I see light and hope.

So I look at my feet. I look at only today. I try to hang on. And hopefully life ahead still has some good surprises in store for me. I have to continue to trust Fate.

Day 2764 - 1/25 - The shoot

Today had quite the unexpected shift. The morning was slow and I had just settled in to the lab in the afternoon when some people showed up for a shoot project. We hopped in a car and left campus to do the shoot in a person's house they were renting that was basically completely empty at the moment. The shoot went pretty good. And unlike other group shoot projects, I didn't get mad or impatient. Which likely had to do with the people being easy to get along with. I went pretty good, but took more than two hours per shoot. (There were two groups there.) And, right when we were about to finish a third group finally showed up and so we had to stick around and help them.

My entire day was shifted and not normal. But it was different and interesting. It was very cold there, so that was uncomfortable. But other than that it was actually a pretty ok day.

Things are winding down pretty quick now, but today passed quickly enough that just looking at today was ok. With needing to do the editing that should help the next few days pass easier as well.

At least for the moment I should be quite distracted from my sad things.

Day 2765 - 1/26 - Busy mind

Today I nearly forgot to post all the sad story things. It was almost lunch before I remembered. I've got a lot on my mind to do for the school stuff later, so my mind is busy thinking of all the things.

I feel ok. There are things distracting me from my sad life. It doesn't change the fact that the sad things are there. Like last night I didn't have the like $5 for gas to get where we were filming (I had to carpool), nor the $5 to pay for my fair share of dinner. And then there are other things like my car insurance, laundry, and other regular costs always over my head.

But I am trying to not think about things. I need support and donations to take care of things, so I try to avoid thinking about them since all I can do is hope and hang on until help comes. But today I should be pretty distracted. Hopefully I won't be too brought down by my sad things today.

Week 396

Day 2766 - 1/27 - Feeling better

Today I am feeling a bit better. I spent the morning relaxing after a quick job check. The time until lunch passed very quickly. After lunch I spent a few hours working on a project. The program basically had seizures because of all the effects I was adding, so I decided I would leave it where it was, as I assumed it couldn't handle all the effects I was trying to do. I also helped a few people do their project stuff, so I felt good about being helpful.

Things are still sad. Nothing in my sad things has changed. But at least for the moment there is enough going on it is easier to be distracted from dwelling on the sad things.

Day 2767 - 1/28 - A bit better

Today was pretty busy. In the morning I had just enough time to shower and do my podcast editing. I'm still sad it's down to every other week, but with so little in my life there isn't a lot going on to talk about.

In the afternoon and evening I had class, so that kept me busy. It was pretty fun and I talked to people and I felt almost normal.

But the weekend is coming. Things will quiet down. I will have less to do. And I will be alone. It will be much more difficult to fight off my sad thoughts once class is over tomorrow.

Day 2768 - 1/29 - One of the few

Today was weird. The morning went quick as most Fridays do. When it was time for class I turned in a thing that's due and noticed only maybe 1/2 of the class turned in things. The teacher also pointed out that an online thing was due and only about 1/3 of the people turned it in. So, I was one of a few who actually did both assignments on time. Which is an odd feeling. I'm both happy I did all the things, and actually went above and beyond with one assignment; but I also feel a bit weird in that I am an outsider for doing what I was supposed to. Granted it wouldn't be that way if the others were on time. But still, it felt weird for being one of only a few. It served to remind me that I'm different than most. I suppose this time I'm different in a good way, but I can't help but wonder if I would have done what I did if I had a job and had a home. My time would be spent very differently.

Today I get nearer to running out of everything. Food money may last two weeks if I start extreme rationing (with the possibility of nothing after without making an appeal), gas is below 1/8th of a tank, cloths coming up on a month unwashed, and I approach yet another cycle of car insurance coming due. I am fearful of all the things.

But I try to fight on. I try to remember the laughs I had in class, that my laptop still seems fine, that I do have a car, I still have enough contacts to last a while, and for the moment I have food. And I try to survive and focus on just today.

Day 2769 - 1/30 - Future me

Today I feel very different. I did go to the library as usual, but in the later afternoon I felt odd. I may be getting sick, but I felt like I needed to be outside. I felt like I had to be out and about. I had a recycling chore to do, which I otherwise would have done tomorrow, so I did that. After, I returned to my old outside of school spot.

I don't know if it's because I've watched a lot of extra (pen and paper) gaming shows lately, but today I kind of feel like future me. A me living down in L.A. who is involved in these kinds of shows. I feel like maybe I'm helping people do behind the scenes stuff. And today, I just happen to be out on a weekend doing regular errand things.

As with voice acting I don't know if I'll ever get there. Particularly if I did get into producing, since that takes a ton of monies. But, in addition to just looking at what I have, today felt like I was just a regular person out and about on the weekend.

I don't know if I'll ever see a happy future. I may not see one at all. But at least for today it felt like there may be something out there for me... somewhere.

Day 2770 - 1/31 - Winter's bite

Today it's very cold outside. It's not particularly cold overall, but there is a pretty strong wind that makes things extra cold. In fact, it was blowing so strong when I was walking at school between some buildings I thought I might not get past it.

I had fun with a beta today and watching shows, but the sadness and the cold of winter's bite reminded me of how sad my life is. I was both distracted from my sad life and reminded of it.

I feel like there is nothing more to say, but here is little to say new. I smelled someone doing barbeque the other night. I nearly shed a tear because I can no longer remember the last time I did that with friends. I had a few bites of someone's strawberries and pineapple and it was super yummy. But I can't afford fresh healthy fruit like that, as much as I've been wanting to eat better like that for more than 10 years.

I could say that I'm cold and because of all the unusual sounds that the wind is creating I am jumping from fright every 5 minutes. But my missing normal life, being unable to progress beyond what I would consider normal for me since I've lost that, and being sad and frightful, is nothing new.

Day 2771 - 2/1 - Quiet cold

Today was a mix. The morning and early afternoon passed pretty normally. I checked for jobs, helped on forums, and played for a short while. While my sad life was all around me I managed to keep the thoughts at bay.

In the early to mid afternoon I did a bit of work on a school project and I helped a few people with some of their projects. It was pretty fun since I like helping.

But in the evening as the people started going home and the lab had fewer people, I eventually found myself alone. While I still had my games and shows to distract me, I felt sad. Lately as my future becomes less certain the sadness has been getting more and more difficult to keep at bay. I again feel like I did in my early days of being homeless. I feel like I am in a war, constantly in fear, constantly uncertain of my surroundings, and though help comes now and then bringing hope with it, because that help is also unpredictable and uncertain, I ultimately feel alone.

Day 2772 - 2/2 - Crying kitty

Today I feel pretty good, though I just got done showering and I'm super hungry. I'm hopeful today will go ok and I can be distracted from my sad things. With car insurance now overdue and all the other things I am getting more and more sad and worried all the time.

Last night was very sad. Around maybe midnight it started raining pretty heavily. At I'd guess around 2 I heard a kitty doing a help/crying meow. They'd quieted down a bit, but started again and totally woke me up around 5:30. I wanted to go looking around to try and find the kitty. They sounded like they weren't more than 25 feet away under a car. I would guess the poor kitty was probably lost, tired, wet, and scared. I wanted to go find the kitty, dry them off, and tuck them under the covers with me. But I couldn't. They would have been scared of me too. And it's not like I had a home for them to feel safe in. The space I had would have been just as scary and felt like a trap to a scared kitty who didn't know me. I did a brief glance around some cars when I left, but I saw no kitty. So hopefully during a drier, maybe more lit time, they found their way home to be safe, warm, and dry again.

Hopefully someday I can too.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2016
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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