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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 8: Endless Void

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 399

Day 2787 - 2/17 - Broken headphones, again

Today was actually pretty good, besides my headphones being broken, again. The replacement once, which I only just got about 3 months ago, is broken in the same way. I don't have a really big head. I'm not abusing them. I guess they are just cheap plastic. I'm very glad I didn't pay anything save for the like $12 to get the replacement ones exchanged. My two name brand ones easily lasted 1-2 years each. I don't know why a different brand, priced in the same retail range, breaks in 3 months. I let the company know their product is crap and I will accept a replacement one, but I will not be spending my money to send that garbage back to get it.

Besides that I did my regular stuff, did a bunch of stuff for one assignment, played a new beta for a few hours; and the person I did the editing for took me to get dinner again. So, I had a decent dinner. It wasn't amazing, that restaurant is ok, but I am still full, which is rare these days.

I'm completely exhausted though. The past three or four nights I've gotten 'in bed' and then not been able to sleep. It's lightly raining now, so I am extra hidden, so hopefully I can relax and sleep easy tonight. It is likely stress due to not getting any support or donations save for that one time since Xmas, so hopefully I can just accept it is what it is and rest and just keep hoping some come.

And even though today was a pretty good day, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 2788 - 2/18 - Getting late

Today I feel pretty good. I had a project due that I did pretty good on. It's not a thing that needed to be perfect, so it was solid for this stage of things.

And then in the evening there was the fun class that I TA for, so that was fun and laughs were had.

But at the back of my mind things were still vey sad. It is already getting late in the month and costs are starting to come up with no signs of coming support or donations. I know people are out there who care and worry about me, so I continue to hang on to hope donations will come, but I can't help but feel fearful of the 'what if they don't' scenario.

Day 2789 - 2/19 - Feeling alone

Today was actually pretty good. It went by very quickly. Since I have the class that starts a bit after lunch time flew by, then class went pretty quickly. After, I played and watched a show.

But today I was incredibly exhausted. I'm still losing several hours sleep each night. I can only guess from stress and sadness that continues to weigh on me. I'm becoming so sleep deprived that many times today I just couldn't focus at all and almost feel like there are blank spots in my memory.

I did have fun with my two betas though. One will be going for months, but the other is only happening this weekend. I feel unusually alone though. I guess because I was in an online space with people, but I didn't have anyone I knew playing with me. That always makes things feel sadder I think, particularly with all of my other sad life things.

I think in the comfort of my own home, with a happy life around me, I would probably not be as impacted by it. But alone physically, and online, as well as emotionally, it all weighs on me that much more.

Day 2790 - 2/20 - Cheese sandwich

Today went by super fast. I don't know why my day felt so fast, but it feels like it is only just past noon when it is actually nearing 6 and getting dark.

I didn't do much today. I did one assignment for school, but the rest of the day was regular. I played most of the day, watched a show, and did my usual job and forum check.

Maybe it's because I'm still so very tired from all the things and so I feel all of it.

I had a cheese sandwich for lunch, and I was going to get a hot soup, but I forgot that I basically used the last of my money, so I had another cheese sandwich for dinner. I guess it was warmer than I thought it would get today, as the cheese was kind of sweaty when I got it from the trunk in the evening. Hopefully it's still good, as there are still enough pieces for 2-3 sandwiches there. It seems weird I have to be ok eating like this, but with things closed I don't have the option to do micro foods. At least hopefully school will be open half the day tomorrow and I can do a micro lunch. I guess that is something.

Day 2791 - 2/21 - Hanging on

Today I had stuff I wanted to do, but didn't really feel comfortable enough to do it. I was chilly. I was uncomfortable in the library chair. My long sleeve shirt or hoodie sleeve has a something that caused my left wrist to be very itchy.

But I hang on. I tried to have fun with my games. I helped on forums. I did do a little bit of writing. Though things were not how I wanted, though I didn't get emotionally or physically comfortable enough to do what I wanted, I hang on.

My mind wandered today. Maybe it's because I wasn't comfortable enough. Maybe it is in part because I'm still sleep deprived. Maybe it's because I know if I looked at the future just around the corner things look very bleak. But my mind wandered. It thought of a life after I'd won enough money to be a producer. I thought of a smaller life, maybe one just on an alternate Earth where I am where I am now, but I am still in a home. I thought of being relaxed enough to do the things I wanted. I thought of feeling a carpet under my feet, of being warm enough to not need all the layers I had on, and what it would feel and sound like when I cooked dinner.

I don't have those lives. I have only my very small life I have today and nothing more. But maybe Fate and Destiny sent a sign. In the library was a ridiculously beautiful and attractive girl. Too much younger than me to ask out, but to see someone that makes my heart flutter, well, it's been years since I've seen such a person. And knowing there are still some out there that make me feel that way gives me hope. Not just that I may someday find love again, but that there may still yet be the right path out there for me somewhere. And that someday I'll find it.

Day 2792 - 2/22 - Feeling better

Today I feel a bit better. I put out a call for help yesterday, and though none came yesterday I got some help this morning. It's a decent amount, enough to finally do laundry, pay the upcoming insurance for a month, and have just a touch left for gas. I will still need more help for more gas and other things very very soon, but the extreme needs for 'today' will be ok for a bit.

So I feel a bit better today. The stress of all the things is slightly alleviated, and I got to play my games, watch a few shows, and in doing so felt better enough to do some work on the assignments I didn't quite feel balanced enough to work on yesterday. And as usual, I helped on forums and checked for jobs. Though the jobs my searches sent me were all basically a minimum of 50 miles away, and some hundreds. Which I don't understand why the search gives that when I told it not to.

But today I feel better. And I hope I can continue to do so, and that more help continues to come to help me hang on until I am back on my feet.

Day 2793 - 2/23 - Feeling hopeful

Today was the first morning in a very long time there wasn't frost on the windows when I got up and started moving.

The monies for the donation came in, so I was able to get monies to do a wash, which I was going to do Friday, but because it's been so long I may take extra time and do it tomorrow. But just doing that and paying car insurance will sap almost all of the monies. Barely any will be left for gas. So hopefully more donations will come soon so that I don't have to start walking, as that would make me stinky super fast.

But today I feel hopeful. Two worries are gone, at least for the moment. The sun is shining and things seem to be warming towards better days.

Week 400

Day 2794 - 2/24 - Plan on Friday

Today was ok I suppose. But I felt weird. Yesterday and today I did stuff, but felt more like I was observing my life than participating in it. I think because I feel less and less like I have any control. And probably too because I am losing more and more of my routines as I have less and less money and need to constantly cut things out of my life.

I did get laundry soap today. And if I could afford to do laundry every other week it would last a year. And with doing it less often because I can't afford that, it will last longer still. But I think I'll do laundry Friday. I am not tremendously stinky. And think an extra two days won't really make a difference. Fridays I have to leave school around 7 or things start to get very super weird feeling, so I need to be out and about several hours earlier than I would on other days, so it makes it more sense to 'not waste time' and do it when I can't be at school anyways.

I guess today was pretty good. I had a decent connection. I checked for jobs, helped on forums, watched shows, and played games. For as small as my life is these days it doesn't get much better. Though I am completely and totally exhausted. The stress and sadness still cause lost sleep. So that is very sad still.

Day 2795 - 2/25 - Fast day

Today went by pretty quickly. In the morning I had a bit of time to play after job checking before lunch. I saw my online friends that I almost never see anymore, so that was nice. Lunch was meh, but I watched a funny show, so that was good.

After lunch I had my writing class, which was ok. I got put with some different people when talking about all the things, and they didn't vibe well with my style. Which can happen, so that's sad. But I guess it's ok because it's good to get different perspectives.

In the evening there was the class I TA for, so that was super fun.

So today was pretty good. There were no donations. Nothing new that was good or bad happened, my foods were meh. And I am still worried about all the things and losing sleep at night. But today wasn't that bad. It passed quickly and I had a pretty good time with all the things. And, I even found a pen to use. It's sad such a simple thing seems like a highlight for a day these days, but I suppose some happiness is better than none.

Day 2796 - 2/26 - Free food, stinky laundry

Today was actually pretty good. It passed very quickly. I did my usual job check, played for just a very short while, then had class.

I got some free foods today. Someone went to get some food during class and asked if I wanted anything. I said I would always eat fries, but had no money. But they brought me one. So even though I had lunch earlier I got free food. Which is good, because I'm almost always hungry these days. And in the evening after class someone was doing a shoot basically right outside of class around the corner. They had gotten too much food for the cast and crew and offered people from class some. So I got some free spaghetti for dinner.

But shortly after that, and even just a bit all day, I felt like crying. I think it's because I am so short on money, how I have none and can't afford to pay for even the crucial things, that I am always so sad. I feel like I have no future to look forward to. I have no nice things I can look forward to getting myself, however rare they are to come along. I can't even afford $5 for laundry every few weeks to keep clean smelling. So instead of having enough in my pocket to look forward to positive things, all I know is that I have none, and as such can only look forward to more sadness, pain, sorrow, and regret.

I was further discouraged when doing laundry. I barely had enough for one load, but easily have two or three that I need to do. My socks and underwear in the dirty clothes were so bad I gagged a bit when I put them into the wash. But even just doing my socks, underwear, shirts, hoodie, and just two small towels and two pairs of pants, it was already overfull and I worry even these few essentials may not properly wash and smell clean. I found two partly used dryer sheets with some smell, and they are washing now, so hopefully that will help.

But today it feels like even with the positives, all I have to look forward to is more pain, sadness, and loss. I have a bit of renewed hope today, but as always it seems everything is out of my hands and all I can do is hope.

Day 2797 - 2/27 - Super chilly outside

Today I decided to be at school in the morning to have a regular micro meal and just hang out outside. The morning time as pretty good in that it wasn't too cold inside, but once I went outside I started to get chilly. By mid afternoon I was kind of shivering a little. It was nice to be on campus where it was quiet and calm, but I am debating if it is worth it for tomorrow since I'm so chilly. I really don't have much choice though. I am getting so short on gas I can't really afford a change of locations in a day, even though that location is likely less than $0.50 in gas.

Outside of being cold today was pretty good. I have clean cloths, finally. And I grabbed a shower in the morning to be extra sure I smelt as nice as possible. Hopefully things will remain ok smelling for a bit.

But I can't help but worry about the future. As I said yesterday, since I have no money it feels like I have no future. And being down to just under a week of gas again, even though other costs are taken care of for a month, things seem to look bad again.

I am realizing it is also difficult for me to look outside of me. Growing up basically emotionally abused, I was always looking in. I was always trying to retreat inwardly to find a safe place. As I grew up, not having enough money to take care of all the things I never was allowed to break out of that. So I stopped looking outside of me. And so now I worry. Now that I have finally learned to be ok on my own and to take care of me I have been looking in so long the outer layers have become wounded, some in ways that can't be fixed. And without money, without a job to feel things will be ok eventually, I can't even begin to try.

Day 2798 - 2/28 - Fate's carrot

Today was pretty good. Though with only a few days of gas left and no money for any of the things, I am getting very very sad about my life. Sad I may never recover, and worried about the future.

Some things are going ok though. With my extreme rationing I've managed to save about one quarter of the food monies I've gotten so far. So building up a 'food storage' will help buffer me from whenever it is that it does finally stop. And it wasn't quite as cold as it was yesterday when I was outside of school. Though it was gray and threatening rain. I probably would have gone to the library at noon if I had more gas, or just gone there from the food store in the morning. But I felt having one cooked meal today was worth more than being a little chilly. Plus it's a faster connection without restrictions, so I can do more in the time I'm there.

And Fate seems to have sent me a sign to help cheer me up. Walking on campus I saw a small plastic carrot. It was near a trash, but it wasn't icky. I was probably from some child's meal thing and they tossed it to the trash, but missed. I picked it up and cleaned it off and took it with me. I will take it as a sign to remember what there is in my life that helps comfort me and brings balance and keeps me going. I'll drop it off with my bunnies in the ex-garage so it can be safe. But for now I am reminded to hang on to hope, and to remember the things that keep me going until more help comes or I do get back on my feet.

A reminder from Fate.

Day 2799 - 2/29 - Worried and itchy

Today I am very worried. I was very hopeful help would come for gas and to pay for the things, but only one donation has come. Granted it was big enough to cover the car insurance and enough to get clan laundry to cover me for several weeks, but gas is nearly out. And it seems still neither of the two others who were regularly donating before Xmas have sent anything since. And it seems unlikely they will since they haven't. Which leaves me in a very sad and worried space. I know people will fade in and out of my story, even more so with helping and donations. But with nearly no gas I again feel on the edge of the end.

I am also very itchy. Not everything got washed. Most notably it's been forever since 'bed things' were washed. I think it's partly why my bits, most of which are my calves and feet, are so scratched up and itchy. I'm almost always itchy there. And if I scratch it seems like I can't scratch enough.

Today was pretty good though I suppose, other than those things. I checked for jobs and was extra helpful for forum people and students with projects. Besides that I mostly just watched shows. I have been feeling too heartbroken lately to do much game playing. All the sadness and worry has made it very difficult to enjoy things.

But still, I try to hang on to hope. I close my eyes at night and try to remember what my true life is like. And wish to be whole again, and even better than I was before. And until that day comes, I continue to hang on to hope that there are people out there who hope and watch out for me, and that enough help and support comes along so I can hang on to what is left.

Day 2800 - 3/1 - Late because of a box

Today I am starting a bit over an hour later than normal because I had to wait for a place to open up to drop off my replacement headphones. So in a few weeks, hopefully less, I'll have replacement replacement headphones. It's lame they are made from such cheap plastic, but I guess it's ok they exchanged them totally free this time. Still, if they send back the same cheap ones (instead of different/better ones) I'll just throw them away if they break and be done with them. Which would be ridiculous if they do since they supposedly retail for $70. So far I like the company's customer support, but the actual product seems like cheaply made crap they don't care about.

For a few days my mind has been preoccupied, mostly with school things I have to do, but also about a game or two I'd like to make. I don't know if I'd ever be in such a position to make either, let alone a position to pitch it to someone who could, but it gives me something to feel hopeful about. Though I should probably find something for my mind to be preoccupied by that I can act upon in some way instead.

I haven't started up my system yet, so I don't know if any help has come yet today, but I remain hopeful some will. I am again on the edge, and that is not a good place to be. Again I hope someone will step forward to hug me with hope and help until I can safely stand on my own again.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2016
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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