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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 9: Fractures

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 425

Day 2969 - 8/17 - Even more surprises

Today there were even more surprises. Last night there was a something waiting at the ex-house, and tonight again as well. So many presents!

I'm very super thankful for everything right now. I think; what if? If I hadn't gotten the money my life would still be a disaster. I wouldn't have the gas for visiting both school and the library (though I'm actually mostly just at the library.) And I may have presents, but what came from the recent gaming would not have come to be. I would probably be horribly sad and crying all the time about yet another sad birthday passing.

But this year that may not be. It may not be filled with real life friends, still just ones I know online, but this time I have options. I have the gaming groups I am trying. I have fixed the car, so I don't have to worry about that. And because of the nice presents lately, and trying the game stuff, this year feels a bit better so far. Hopefully that can continue.

Moar pressies?!

Rar, a monster!

So nice an adventure style bag b-day surprise!

Day 2970 - 8/18 - Long day

Today was pretty good. Though mostly I think it seemed good because I slept pretty well last night. The day itself really wasn't any better or worse than normal.

I did find myself mostly pondering running a game though. Not just a game, but a full campaign in a setting I designed. It would be in the rules of the new system I've picked up lately.

But I haven't run anything in probably more than 20 years. So I am quite nervous about doing that, even though I have all the books that tell me how. (Though I still have a lot of reading to do in them.) And too I'd be pulling players from the social forums of gamers in the local area. So I could wind up with good people, like my every other week game, or I could wind up with ones... of questionable talents or hygiene. (Like in the last game I played one person seemed completely oblivious to several social things, while another didn't seem to know the rules, his character, and said only a few sentences during the entire 4.5 hours we played.)

But I am deciding and thinking about it. I figure if I do it, it should start before school starts at the end of September. While that won't take up a lot of my time I think a lot of the harder work for the game would be up front. I think once there is some momentum it wouldn't be so bad.

Plus my depression about everything still weighs me down. There is still so much more I could, and in some cases should, do in a day that I just feel less inclined to start doing new things.

But I remain hopeful I can get out of my haze someday. I hope my thoughts and everything will feel like it is moving normally again. For so long I've felt confused, dazed, and in a general haze, I've begun to forget what it was like to live without this feeling.

Day 2971 - 8/19 - Disappointing early results

Today was ok I suppose. I was extremely tired and could barely keep my eyes open. Again I felt like I was in a haze all day. I checked for jobs, checked forums, did a bit of show watching and playing, and worked on my potential campaign for the pen and paper game for a bit.

While I am not really surprised, I am disappointed in the early results of my announcing it. I said for anyone to reply who might be interested and of the about 300 in the two social groups, about 85 had seen it by the time I logged and there were zero replies of any kind. So I am a bit disappointed.

I guess maybe it's because they don't know me as a DM. Or maybe people are hesitant to join a homemade campaign. Or maybe everyone is just all busy. But with the setting I picked I expected people would jump at the chance.

I will not give up. If it doesn't work out I will wait. I will consider. I will see if maybe I find friends and something comes of it with these new friends later. But much like my day-to-day life, it seems disappointing.

Day 2972 - 8/20 - Another homeless birthday

Today is another homeless birthday. It's starting to feel like I have had more homeless and alone ones than not.

I suppose, all things considered, it was actually pretty good. I slept fair last night. The library was quiet, yet crowded, but not in a way that bugged me. I had more games to play than in most years. And although there were no shows to watch or movies to see, I didn't really feel like I wanted either.

But it is different for a homeless birthday. I have a bit of money, so many of the homeless worries are much less worrisome. Without it I may have spent most of these past few days in tears because I was so on the verge of nothing just a few months ago. I have an online friend/supporter who has sent me presents. And tomorrow I have a fun game to play with some people, and that may eventually lead to something.

So it is sad for all the ongoing things I can't change or control, but it is not completely terrible. And some things this year look better than they have for a while.

Day 2973 - 8/21 - Fun time

Today was pretty fun. It was one of the every other week games in the afternoon, so that was super fun. I guess I got lucky finding those people, as we get along well and have fun. With so many random groups it's easy to not find something good.

I didn't do much with the other parts of my day. I did get a shower in the morning, so that was good. Church was there, so I got to micro lunch. And a cute shirt I ordered showed up, but it's suuuppper stinky due to how they made it, so since I have a touch extra money I washed it. Normally I wouldn't have, but with enough for washing, and how stinky it was, I felt it was worth the unscheduled wash cost.

But that was really my day. An otherwise very basic day other than that. Not much to write home about. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day too.

So cute the displacer kitten!

Day 2974 - 8/22 - Feeling very sick

Today I took a turn for the worse quite quickly. In the morning I was fine, everything started slowly, but actually fairly well. By about 11:30 the early lunch I had (I'm guessing?) was causing me to feel very sick. I started to feel more and more cold in the library, as if I were in a fridge. My skin and insides started to get shivers and felt queasy. By the early afternoon it was so bad I almost felt like I was going to throw up, so I went out to the car. I soaked in what I could of the warmth, and as the cold started to be pushed away I grew more and more sleepy. I pretty rapidly feel asleep.

I slept for what felt like an hour or more. The shadows had moved a good two feet or so. Yet when I checked my phone, only about 20 minutes had passed.

I threw out the rest of the food I would have otherwise eaten on the assumption it was the food that made me sick. I got a little bit of fast food, freshly cooked stuff, and now I am trying to rest as much as I can and hopefully sleep soon.

I feel a bit better, but not as much as I'd had hoped at nearly 11 hours past the initial symptoms. Hopefully I can rest well and recover, and after a good night's sleep I will feel a bit better.

Day 2975 - 8/23 - Feels like death's door

Today I still feel like I'm at death's door. Last night I kept getting worse and worse. I had extreme fever and chills by about 9, with my skin hot to the touch and when not touched or when getting the slightest breeze, it felt ice cold. By about 11 I had a massive headache and my head was spinning. I almost felt like I was going to throw up several times. Thankfully I didn't, though I wonder if it would have been better if I did.

I wondered as I was feeling very sick if this was it. Have I done something that I can't fix? Is my body shutting down? Will this be the end of me? So often I wonder what long-term effects my terrible diet and sleeping will have on me.

Now I am still a bit hot, yet still feel like parts of me are ice cold. My eyes feel like they are being pushed up, out and in, all at the same time. My ears are ringing, and I still have a headache. I'm starving, yet too sick to eat. I eat a few grapes, then my tummy doesn't want any more. I probably will eat very little over the course of the day.

Hopefully I can get back to feeling better very soon. I feel terrible.

Week 426

Day 2976 - 8/24 - Still feel terrible

Today I feel only slightly better. I still feel really terrible. My eyes are still hurting quite a bit. My tummy, while it did eat somewhat more normally still feels bad, as if I may throw anything up. My heart is racing nearly all the time. And while my fever and chills come and go they are more constant than not.

I still hope for good rest and that I'll truly start to feel better in the morning.

Day 2977 - 8/25 - Mostly normal

Today I am starting to feel mostly normal again. By the late morning my extreme tiredness was wearing off. By the late afternoon much of my stamina had returned and my appetite was starting to feel normal. It's evening now and the only illness symptoms that remain arent very serious issues; minorly sore eyes, and for some reason a very bad throat. I think maybe in my sleep I was talking from the pain.

Today was pretty normal. Nothing really special happened. Though several print jobs were failing, as well as other print issues, which I discovered was an issue with my oldest USB drive. Not a big deal to replace it though. I can get one that is about five times bigger than it was for $15.

Hopefully I can sleep well tonight and tomorrow can truly be a normal day where I can rest and recover. I have a game thing set up for all day to play my pen and paper game, so I'll absolutely need to be feeling good for that, as well as needing to be able to use my voice. So hopefully everything will go ok over the rest of tonight, and tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 2978 - 8/26 - Cricket in the dark

Today was a bit odd, but mostly normal. I started with trying to take a shower at school, as it looks like there may be some race thing going on Saturday which could block access I would otherwise have in the morning. The things were unlocked but everything was dark. Not like they had shut down the building dark, but like there was no power dark, as the automatic doors and magnetic door holders were not working.

I decided to continue through the dark and check if the water was warm. It was, so I continued with my shower. I kept hearing a cricket chirp. I knew someone else was in there, so I thought that was the most annoying phone alert noise ever. But after my shower I heard the guy leave, but the cricket continued. I searched and it sounded like an actual cricket. I was going to help them escape the pitch black locker room, but it seemed they were probably up through the very fine grate for the vent, so I don't even know how they could have gotten up there. So that was very sad that I couldn't help.

The rest of the day was a still pretty sick normal. I watched some shows. I played some games. But I don't really remember it. I still have a headache, a bit of an eye ache, ear ache, and almost no stamina. I am getting hungry, but the tummy just doesn't care to eat. I did eat most of a normal sized sandwich but I did so at less than half speed.

I am slowly continuing to get better and I still hope to be better enough for my day of gaming that I'm doing tomorrow. If I'm still very sick, the noise and business could easily overwhelm me.

Day 2979 - 8/27 - Big game day

Today was the big game day. I was still feeling a bit icky in the morning, so I was a bit worried. But once I started playing the sensory overload was where I expected, so if I felt fine or not I couldn't tell because I was overwhelmed feeling. Sadly, as I feared, it was too loud and I had a hard time hearing, so I didn't enjoy it anywhere near as much as I thought I could have. And due to that I almost died because I'd said a thing and they didn't actually do the thing.

But, despite the downsides it was actually a pretty good time. I did have fun with the people, and I even played with someone I'd played with before, so that was good.

I'm glad I have the choice, at least for now, to have a bit more of a normal life.

Day 2980 - 8/28 - Fast day

Today seemed to pass extremely quickly. The morning started normal enough and I spent some time at school. Though I'd barely done anything and my time was up in the blink of an eye. At least the church was there, so I got to micro my lunch for the first time in a while.

In the library I spent most of the time carefully going over some stuff I'd done extremely quickly yesterday. In yesterday's game we leveled extremely fast, which I wasn't prepared for. It took quite a while, but now I've slowly and carefully gone over all the things and made sure everything was all right.

It's nearing night now. I feel super tired. Though I am almost completely better, for some reason I hardly slept last night. I hope tonight I can sleep ok. Either way, I had a good time yesterday, and a good time today though it may not seem like it, and there seems to be hope for the future.

Day 2981 - 8/29 - Nearly all better

Today I am feeling nearly all better. But for some reason the more better I get, the seemingly less sleep I get. I've not slept the past few nights until hours after I've 'gotten in bed'.

Again today my mind has been preoccupied with a possible new character to play. Though this likely will be the last I consider for a while. With now three to pick from I have one at each end of the spectrum and one in the middle. I think going forward I'll get back to reading the book for how to run and create games. But it's a happy thing, since the books were pretty pricy in my current non-job having lifestyle.

But today was a pretty good day. Things were quiet, and warm enough, and I felt mostly better. And for a sad homeless life, that's pretty good.

Day 2982 - 8/30 - Hot

Today I am visiting school just for a tiny bit. I took a shower, and now I will enter this and micro a lunch really quick before scooting off to the library.

I'm actually hot after walking just a little bit. I'm down to just a single t-shirt and pants now, which is a good sign that my body is running at, or very near to, normal temperature.

I'm not sure what today will bring, as it's just barely started, but hopefully it will be pretty good.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2016
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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