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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 9: Fractures

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 427

Day 2983 - 8/31 - Unexpected

Today felt unexpected. When I got to the library I was so early, and so tired, I took a nap for about an hour. I'm surprised I did. Outside of being super sick my body usually doesn't want to nap.

I don't think I played any video games today. I don't really remember. I do remember I did some writing for my other character. I remember the two movies I watched. But besides that the day just felt weird. It felt like I'd actually done something completely different and these were memories someone had implanted.

I guess it was an ok day. Nothing bad happened. But I was cold, it felt weird, and it kind of felt lonely.

Day 2984 - 9/1 - Breakfast and lunch for breakfast

Today I went to school. Like on Tuesday I microed my lunch early and ate it for a late breakfast / early lunch. I should have saved my doughnut for a snack, but apparently I put it straight in the bag instead of putting it in a plastic bag first.

I still feel weird today. I think I still feel off due to all my schedule changes and things being different. But too it may be because I am always in my head. That happens sometimes when I'm lonely. My brain thinks stuff and talks to itself, and it's like the words and thoughts get trapped, and more and more it fills space in my head until everything feels much too cramped.

Hopefully someday this nightmare will be over and I can have a somewhat normal life.

Day 2985 - 9/2 - Feling tired again

Today I feel tired again. I didn't do much. I played for a bit. I checked forums and checked for jobs. Mostly I guess I just passed the time.

I don't really remember the day. It's not totally over, there are a few hours left to do stuff. But I am tired. I feel as if my brain never really woke up. When trying to read my book I couldn't remember if I'd read what I was reading before or not.

Maybe tonight I will sleep better and be in less of a haze tomorrow.

Day 2986 - 9/3 - Sleepy

Today was a pretty normal day. My mind was a bit clearer, but I was very sleepy. I didn't really do much. I did a bit of stuff for my pen and paper game. I played a few games for a short while. I watched a show. But nothing special happened.

I suppose though, besides still being too chilly in the library all day, since nothing bad happened it was a pretty good day.

Day 2987 - 9/4 - New adventures

Today was pretty good, though a touch sad. The weather was quite warm, almost hot. But most of that may have been just me not being used to it due to being in the overly air conditioned library all the time.

Today was another every other week game. It was pretty good, but in the end I still felt a bit sad. They are good people, and while they may still eventually be people I know better and call friends, there are still things with the group that bug me. Partly it's the volume of the public space, but twice (during the three hours played) I was not heard or paid attention to when I said 'I do a thing' leading to people in the group being hurt because people were not being respectful and listening to what I said. And two other times things came up that someone said 'it's like this', and it clearly is not what the book says, which I did not butt heads with them on, but it is not how things should be done.

So again I am a bit sad these are not people who are already my friends. I am again sad it is on a fixed amount of time, sometimes leading to pressing things faster and faster. And again I wish it were in a quiet calm home environment where people would pay attention to one another better.

I don't really blame them. All my gaming groups with this new/old pen and paper gaming adventure are just that, groups of strangers. They are strangers who come together very briefly, and I wonder if anyone will actually truly be friendly and be more. Few to none seem to care about my character or learn about them, so why should they care or learn about the player behind them?

In time I guess I will see where this new journey leads. While I do laugh and interact with people and my creativity is encouraged and sparked, I worry long-term that it may wind up no different from my online games, where people see each other for such small amounts of time noone really cares about anyone they meet.

Day 2988 - 9/5 - School, not school, school, not school

Today was a disappointing pain in the butt. I had planned to chill outside of school all day, as I did in summers and holidays past, but for some insane reason the roof workers were there working on the roof. Really? On Labor Day? Are they not union? Isn't that like triple pay or something? Why would the school approve that?

So, less than about 15 minutes after I'd settled in I decided I should be safe and not be there. I headed over to the food store. But the internet was completely horrible there. I could barely do anything. I stayed and played and killed as much time as I could tolerate there, then went back over to school as I had very few options or choice on where to be. I stayed a school for a bit since the workers had left, so that was good. But I didn't stay too long as it still felt weird since it was a holiday.

So I left again and spent a bit more in the food store parking lot just chilling before it got dark. It's dusk now and I barely accomplished anything today. Even just messing around and gaming was barely done because I had to keep moving and was limited on options.

I suppose all in all it's just one day, and it will likely soon be forgotten. I did accomplish a sort of small thing I will do over the rest of the night, or tomorrow, so that is something. But I still feel sad at nearly an entire day lost compared to what I would have or could have done in a home.

Day 2989 - 9/6 - Hopefully back to normal

Today things will hopefully be back to normal. The library will be open in a bit. I got a micro food and shower at school. I do have my new role playing game thing tonight, so that will be different. But overall hopefully today will be more homeless normal than not. I still feel very imbalanced from the long weekend and only getting about five hours of sleep last night.

Week 428

Day 2990 - 9/7 - Bolstered, but worried

Today is a mix of many feelings. I am again recovering from the long weekend. I am trying to stay focused, as the past two nights I've lost about 4 hours of sleep for seemingly no reason. And I'm fighting off being hot and cold, as it is hot outside today, but, as usual, the library was overly cold.

The one person who was super excited for the campaign I wanted to run about a month ago has found a few more people. At first I shied away, feeling sad, rejected, and worried I would fail them in some way if we did play.

But then I considered why. Why was I worried about the player number? Why did I think I'd let them down? Basically the answers were I didn't know them as people, so I couldn't predict what they would like, and I don't know their characters, so I again can't predict how I should build things. So I've agreed to try and run, with the first meeting as a sort of get to know the players game.

Hopefully it will be ok. I haven't run anything in forever, let alone a something for strangers. Hopefully I won't let them down either with the game or in some way because of just who or how I am.

I suppose time will tell. But I think the most important thing is I am willing to try. And in spite of all my tremendous depression all the time about everything in my life being willing to try doing something different to interact with people is kind of a big deal.

Day 2991 - 9/8 - Mysterious

Today was pretty good. I got 'in bed' early last night and actually fell asleep quickly and slept well. Today was pretty good. Again I didn't play much. My online game I play the most has become sad since my friend I played with have seemingly stopped playing. It's been a month, possibly two, since I last saw either of them. And because my life is still generally sad I have not picked up my new games even though I have two waiting for me.

The person who was so excited for me to DM the campaign I was working on still seems excited, but none of the three other people she got have replied to my asking what day they were looking at to play or if they had a place. It's been two days now since I got asked, and so I've been stuck in basically a holding pattern waiting to see when they want to do it, and not knowing what kind of people they are or what characters they would play I'm unable to work on it.

So it seems mysterious and confusing to me. It makes me wonder if she was, in fact, so excited to play she kind of coerced these people into playing and that's why they are slow to react. I hope that's not the case, as playing a thing with people who don't really want to play will just become really depressing.

In good news though a series I've been trying to find to watch has been found. I couldn't get access to a streaming online source, but noticed it in the library one day. So, after apparently four years since the first series came out I can now watch it and get caught up.

The summer continues. I guess now I am a little over half way through. There are just under three weeks left before school starts again, but it feels like it's been a year. And I fear the remaining weeks may seem just as long.

I guess all I can do now is continue to try to keep myself distracted and strive to find as much peace and balance as I can in these hard times.

Day 2992 - 9/9 - Headache and dizziness

Today I think I am indeed catching a cold. Over the course of the day I've felt more and more dizzy (though just a bit), congested, and a touch of sneezing. I'm very tired too, though I've done little to nothing all day.

Mostly I spent all day catching up on a TV series I've found at the library. I felt too tired and sick to play online games. Maybe part of it too is that I know no one is online waiting for me.

Again I'm a touch irked at the people for my game. Yet another day has passed where nothing was said on the page I made for it. There is still no chosen place or day to play. The numbers still show people haven't even looked at the post. I don't know if I'm more upset by finding people and they seem disinterested in actually starting, or back in the day when I was disappointed at there seeming to be a complete lack of interest.

There are still some hours in the day left, yet I am so very tired, and my mind and spirit feel worn out.

Day 2993 - 9/10 - Puss filled

Today I feel very 'low born' as fantasy things would say. I don't know why, but I am very scarred, and the scars in several places are because of blisters. And the blisters hurt and make icky puss when pinched. I also have half a dozen spots on my chin which are like pimples. I expect they are more likely something caused by a dull razor or cuts that got infected than they are actual pimples. It makes me wonder if I am allergic to something on the current razors, and that's why they are all in one place. Or maybe there is a spider where I sleep and it is biting me and causing itching and reactions in the night.

Days like this when I look at myself and see nothing but scars, or even when they are covered and I still feel the pain, I feel extra sad. In the manner of fantasy shows I think about high born, who are all smooth and unblemished, and I remember how once upon a time I was like that. And I think now I am almost always scarred, and often when there are no scars I am still in pain.

I wonder too, even if I recover from my terrible journey how many scars will remain? How many will remain inside where they can never heal?

Day 2994 - 9/11 - Recovery

Today I am trying to recover. I still feel full of puss and poison, yet I know the very tiny areas can't possibly be causing me to feel sick. Yet I do. I have earaches, headaches, congestion, fever, and a bit of sneezing.

I'm in my quiet place early to get extra rest, so hopefully that will help. I also wiped my wounds with just a touch of diluted rubbing alcohol. So maybe that will help things heal. If not, I don't know what would. People often take off their shoes and socks in the library, but I am not like that. Though I may start taking off my boots to help alleviate pressure if it's not better soon.

I guess today was really ok, but I'm sad that I was too sick to really enjoy the good things.

Day 2995 - 9/12 - Sick, but better

Today I'm still feeling sick, but I'm starting to feel a bit better. In the morning at the library I still felt feverish, way too cold, not very hungry, and my throat was messed up. Now at night I don't feel quite as feverish, but my throat is still messed up feeling.

I still feel somewhat like a leper. I'm still having trouble walking due to the mysterious blisters and wounds on my legs. There are half a dozen to a dozen bad blemishes on my chin. I would guess from a razor that was bad or something I'm allergic to getting into cuts. They are cut and puss like similar to blisters. So I still feel bad and wound covered.

I suppose overall the day was pretty good though. I did play a game group thing with a new group tonight. Some were a few I'd played with before, but one was a person... I don't know how to describe him. It's not that we don't get along, or I don't like him, but after the game he was saying how he'll probably take x levels of this and y levels of that specifically to get specific things, and I am having a really hard time justifying that from a character standpoint. The choices aren't necessarily opposite to one another, they just seem like they are bending the rules to min/max his choices, which I don't really agree with.

I suppose the day was pretty good overall. Though I still feel more sick than I'd like.

Day 2996 - 9/13 - More sick again

Today I am feeling more sick again. I don't really feel super terrible in terms of symptoms, but those I do have are far worse today than yesterday. My throat is super messed up feeling. I'm a bit tired and congested, and my ears want everything to be quiet.

In a home I'd likely recover quickly. I could be at rest, have soup, or chicken broth to warm and soothe my throat, and even occasionally put a warm towel on my face to feel better (and more importantly soothe my leper like wounds on my chin.) But without, being in the library, I will likely only recover a fraction as much. So far barely anyone is here. It is windy and a bit gray outside, so hopefully the mood here won't change much and I can recover better.

But for now I am sick, feel wounded and broken, and am sad at how limited things seem for me, particularly in terms of recovery.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2016
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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