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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 9: Fractures

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 433

Day 3025 - 10/12 - Big fluffy doggy

Today had a surprise. There was someone who I've taken classes before visiting the class and he had an 'emotional support' doggy with him. He was a big huge fluffy doggy. He was super friendly towards everyone. I said hi and pet him and he was big enough that I didn't have to bend over to pet his head or back. After a few pets he did the doggy poosh into me thing they do when they like the pets and he bumped me over a few inches to the side because he was so big. He stayed through class and a bit after, so a few times during the day I couldn't resist going over and petting him some more, and even laid down next to him and gave him a little hug when he was being sleepy and laying down.

The rest of the day was ok I guess. I didn't really accomplish anything. I barely played games. I just haven't felt too much in the mood to play the ones I have been lately.

But mostly today I just felt... I'm not sure. I'd say maybe detached? Separate from everyone? Unconnected? In some ways maybe I felt free? As if I were on vacation and nothing around me was my normal surroundings that I was attached to. It was very odd. I still kind of feel that way. I don't know if it's good or bad.

There are still things I miss. Ways I miss. Things I'd like to be in my life or back in my life. But I have to continue to try and accept that which I can't change and look at what I do have. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3026 - 10/13 - Shared lunch

Today was ok, kind of extra helpful, and kind of very slow. In the morning I had the class I TA for. They are still mostly lecture days, so it's still pretty slow. But after I was very helpful to people working on projects, so that was good.

During lunch and for a few hours after the nice doggy was visiting again. He was super cute and saying near me a lot. When I came back with my lunch he peeked up at me from below the desk. A few minutes later he startled me a bit by peeking his nose and face under my arm towards my food bowl. I pet and hugged his head and made a deal that I'd share some at the end. But he was too cute! I could not resist sharing a few pieces during. Not a whole lot, it was about a single piece of food that I'd pulled apart. I wonder how much he eats though. It must be as much as a person or more. He is just about as big as one.

The evening was kind of slow. I had some studying to do, so I had to do super boring reading for a few hours. And that only left a few hours to play or watch shows. I rarely play the main online one now, as I haven't seen the people I used to play with in several months, so that's sad.

I suppose today was ok, but I think my cold is still winning. I'm still extremely tired and very extra hungry and thirsty. Hopefully tomorrow will be a more even and normal day.

So cute the Skyler doggy wanting my lunch!
For size reference that is a regular table top people sit at next to his head.

Day 3027 - 10/14 - Raining

Today was pretty good. I feel ok about a 'quiz' I had in class. And most of the rest of the day I just played a bit and watched a show. Though I did spent a bit of the day on an assignment I would have otherwise done tomorrow, so that was good to get out of the way.

Today it rained in the afternoon. It was a little sprinkle. Now in the evening I suppose some would say it's not really raining but just a heavy sprinkle. But for here it is raining, the first of this winter. It has been getting chilly lately and it certainly hasn't been shorts weather for a few weeks since the last heat wave, so winter is probably coming.

I feel pretty good I suppose. Nothing bad happened, and despite feeling like so much is missing in my life I'm kind of ok with it today. But still, I always hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3028 - 10/15 - Slow day

Today was a pretty slow day. I didn't really do much. The game I planned on playing from the library was firewalled. I guess it's been so long since I tried to play that game I'd forgotten that.

Most of the day passed very slowly, though I suppose it was nice and restful. I had nothing I needed to do and nowhere I needed to be.

I did have some memories surface the other day. I was researching something for a just for fun project and I came across some footage of a hand-held tablet-like device from 20 years ago. I actually had one of those. I'd completely forgotten about it. I think that might be where my fear from paying a lot of monies and not using it as much as I thought may stem from. But again, my time with my old iPhone proves I would use such a device quite a lot. I really just stopped using my old iPhone as it is outdated to the point stuff won't run on it. And even without being able to do most things I still use it for notes and media.

So I guess today, as slow as it was, was a good day. Though I am extremely tired, extremely hungry, and still sneezing, so I must still have a lingering cold.

Day 3029 - 10/16 - New socks, sudden headache

Today was a touch different. Since I have a little bit of monies and my socks often get stinky I decided to get some more socks this morning so that I could change them every 1-2 days instead of every 2-3. I was worried the new ones were too small since they looked tiny after taking them apart, but they are actually suuuper comfy.

Today was a game day, so I had a good shower at school, a few hours to spend there, then played a game with the peoples. It was a good time. Though for some reason now, after it's ended, I've started to get a bit of, I guess, a migraine. That kind of headache that hurts behind your eyes and pushes forwards. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's just my cold and because we were in a different spot in the shop and so it got kind of loud near the end.

It was rainy and chilly today, but the day passed at an even pace and everything went well enough. It was a pretty good day.

Day 3030 - 10/17 - Lost cookies

Today I think I lost some cookies. I got a fancy cookie pack for gaming yesterday, which has three packs of six cookies. I thought I only ate one and had two more for tonight and tomorrow, but there was only one pack. I wonder if I lost a pack. It's not much, just $1 if I don't find it, but it would be sad.

Today I had a gaming night which was super fun. The annoying guy was still all me me me player was still kind of angry, but maybe I've gotten used to him now. After everyone left I stayed and chatted with a couple of people or a bit. Game chat, but still, they may turn into hanging out friends, they may not, time will tell. But I am a step closer than I was not too long ago.

I am still overly tired, overly hungry, and have a bit of a headache. I'm sneezing too, so the cold is still lingering. It's not too bad though. I just have to be mindful of the headaches and careful what I decide to feed my tummy that's extra.

But hopefully I can get some extra rest, have a good day tomorrow, and will feel a bit better.

Day 3031 - 10/18 - Sleepy start

Today is a sleepy start. I slept in just a few minutes and skipped my shower. I took an extra one yesterday, so it's fine. I'm still a bit sleepy. I think my cold is beating me up lately, as I'm extra congested and sneezy the past few days.

But things are calm and quiet, and it's a TAing day, so things should be fun and I should have things to help with, so today should be a good day.

Week 434

Day 3032 - 10/19 - Sneezing guy

Today I was super sneezy. I don't know if my cold is just worse or made worse because I got sprinkled on a bit over the weekend.

The day was pretty good. The morning and most of the day passed moderately quickly as I had a bigger class to TA. But after hat things seemed to pass incredibly quickly. I think it was because I was very into a for fun project I was editing. In the blink of an eye three hours flew by and I finished.

Not sure what to say about today. I still have my cold, so I'm still extra hungry, though my tummy is upset by most micro food I feed it. And I'm still extra tired because of my cold. I'm still worried about my monies running out. And still preoccupied with thoughts of getting the tablet. (Even dreamt about it last night.) And, as always, I miss all the things in a home I would have, do, and even just the simple peace that 'being home' brings.

Day 3033 - 10/20 - Sick and cold

Today I'm feeling sick and cold. I don't feel bad really. I'm just super winded, very hungry, and sleepy. If I could I'd already be in bed asleep.

I guess today was pretty good despite not being in a home and having all the things I wish I could still have. A few people did appreciate my help, which I would not have been able to give if I had not been around to help out, so I am grateful for that. Though I do still hope someday to find a job that I enjoy and I feel appreciated for doing.

Until then I hope I can stay as healthy as I am able, am able to help out all the people, can watch shows and play my games, and hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 3034 - 10/21 - Alone

Today was good, but I kind of feel alone. There are more people interacting with me now than in all my time homeless, but I still have no local friends I am doing stuff with. I sometimes chat and sort of hang out with people at various times during the day, but it really just makes me miss real local friends.

I miss being excited for the weekend knowing that I can relax at home and leave worries of weekly life behind. I miss thinking about who may come over for the weekend to play games, or watch movies, or hang out. And while I am a fairly solitary individual and have usually preferred most weekends alone than not, I do miss it. And with interacting with some again through the gaming group and not yet finding any such close friends I do wonder if such a thing will ever happen for me again. And more so, will I find love again.

As always, all I can do is try my best, focus on what I do have, and hope for better days.

Day 3035 - 10/22 - Making the purchase

Today I am very bad at homework. I spent just a teeny bit of time working on it that I'd planned. But I just didn't feel like it today. I was sleepy, spaced out, and all around out of it. The homework isn't hard, so I'm sure I'll do what I need to before my Monday class.

I decided to order my tablet now instead of waiting. I have the money I have to last nearly a year, so borrowing some now and putting it back when my friend has me do her editing job is fine. Over the past few days I confirmed she is committed to my doing it, so it's fine.

Plus this should help prolong the life of the laptop, at least indirectly in that I won't need it for classes when I could instead use the much smaller and easier to use at school tablet. Plus when I'm TAing on big days and just want to pop out the laptop for an hour I again can instead use the tablet. Any physical hardware things will fair much better being turned off and on less. Plus there is all the risk of the big laptop being in the way that I now don't have to worry about.

I did feel a sudden nervous panic when placing the order, and for the following few hours after. But I searched my feelings and found it to be more of an uncertainty about what changes will come, and an excitement for a step that I can control, which I chose. Hopefully it will be a step forward. Hopefully it will bring hope and some joy and allow me to hang on. Maybe even in a way it will help me feel more connected to current times and others. And, worst case scenario I can always return it within a few weeks of purchase if things don't work out.

But for the moment I am hopeful this will be something good, something helpfu, and I will not dwell too much on the sad reality that it is mostly replacing a device that I got while homeless which is dying before I'm recovered in a home. I hope with getting yet another device in that chain it is not simply another chain link in what are becoming further and further steps from what things I would have in a home.

Day 3036 - 10/23 - Set it up

Today was quite different than normal. Although I got my tablet yesterday it needed to connect online to set up. So today I spent several hours setting it up, updating all the things, making sure things from my old device copied over, or with the things that didn't copy manually enter them, etc.

It wasn't too bad. While it took longer than expected it didn't take too much time. There was still time to do the homework I needed to do, to try out a few games, and even watch a show.

I feel pretty good about the tablet. Some things will take getting used to, as some change is required, at least a little. But the fun things are fun, and the tests for what I will use it for with classes seems promising. It's not too small and not too big, which is why I got the smaller tablet. (For those curious it's about 1" taller than a Blu-ray case, about as thick, but feels oddly heavy for its size.) While it was a ton of monies I am glad I got the one that could just move over the stuff I had on the old iPhone. While I may still someday switch to the other side, changing how I do all my media and games on mobile would be... uncomfortable.

So tonight I will hopefully sleep well, and hopefully it will help bring better days in the future.

Day 3037 - 10/24 - Getting used to it

Today was ok I guess. The game in the evening was ok. The guy I don't like to play with again steamrolled stuff. He made a joking comment towards my abilities I could use to help him not being used. So I made a joking comment in reply towards his steamrolling rushed style of play. He didn't get the reference, so as long as he steamrolls things I have no reservations about not doing everything I can to help him be better. If he wants to play rushed and go for more content and prolonged battles I'm not going to be able to, or bother trying to, stop that. His personality just doesn't let off when he's going full speed. I am not necessarily rushing to stop playing with the group, as there were a couple of chances for me to die tonight, but I will not miss playing with him when the group does stop.

The rest of the day was one of adjustment. I was getting used to my new tablet in class. I was getting used to thinking about how to change it and what extra care I'll need to take with it, how and where to put it near me in my daily things, how it works in general and specific. It may take a while to fully get used to, even more to settle in and be happy with how all the things will change around it. But so far I like it very much and am happy with how the changes are going. Sadly the games I wanted to play are mostly turning out to be things I would not be interested in long-term, but there are sooooo many more to try, old ones I liked and haven't played in forever, and always more down the road.

Things are changing, and though I still feel alone I try to hang on to hope, and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3038 - 10/25 - Feeling hopeful

Today I am early. I had a very hard time getting to sleep and then woke up about 45 minutes before my first alarm, but I feel awake and hopeful.

Not much going on today. I have my fun class that I TA for which should be super fun, then 2/3 of the rest of the day to do for fun projects, relax, play, watch shows, or do homework/studying things. Hopefully today will be a good day.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2016
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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