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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 9: Fractures

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 459

Day 3207 - 4/12 - Extremely depressed and sad

Today I felt very extremely depressed most of the day. It was extra tough, as the basic class I TA isn't until 3:30, and all morning and afternoon I had a profound sadness. I'm not entirely sure why. I think part of it is, even if I could afford classes this quarter, there weren't really any to take. Which makes me very worried how close that timer is becoming. I think part of it too is just sadness and worry about money. I had some, now it's gone so much sooner than expected, and no matter how much I want to I can't have a normal life and even do simple things like buying freshly cooked food from the cafeteria or one of the outside run shops in that area.

During the class I TA for things picked up a bit and I had a good time and laughed a little bit. Throughout the day people were saying hi, and a few chatted with me, so I still felt a part of things, even though without change I felt apart from things.

I suppose overall though maybe the thing which makes me feel the saddest are m physical ailments. I am still sick. I am not sleeping well. And above all I'm having a lot of difficulty breathing and a tightness in my chest. No doubt stress from no money. And that all adds up to continued concerns about mortality, not really being able to do much to fix my health, and the concern that I won't be able to turn things around before it's too late. And when I think that I have survived another day and there is still hope, while positive, it is just surviving. It is not better or worse than the sad day that came before it.

But I try to hang on to the good thoughts. I try to focus on what I do have. I try to focus on what I do have. I try to focus on what is sad in my life. And I try to hang on until better days come.

Day 3208 - 4/13 - More sads

Today I am more depressed. I think, in addition to my cold physically beating me down, and the stress adding on top of that, I am sad about bunny day. It's this Sunday, and while I wouldn't have any way to really celebrate if I don't have any money, the fact that I have no opportunity at all is extra depressing. At least if I had those things if I could think of something to do I could do it. Without and no resources at all, I can do nothing.

At least my thinking of the free health center samples seems correct. I am not itchy today, and the smell is almost entirely gone from the car. So at least there is that. I'm sure a few more days of not using it will further verify things.

I suppose there are some comforts today. One professor chatted with me for a bit (who teaches near where I sit). And one of my favorite professors said hi and she was glad to see me, as she finds my presence there (when I'm not in her class) comforting. So that was nice to hear.

But I am very sad lately. And it seems little will change that. But I try to hang on. I try to keep hoping. And hopefully better days will come.

Day 3209 - 4/14 - Sore butt and back

Today was super sad, because of all of the same sads. But I suppose overall it was ok. I didn't have much to do, but I find ways to pass the time.

Because of the lab not really being open this week I've spent a lot of time on the floor in my spot outside of the lab. Today that has started to take a toll on my lower back and butt. I'm starting to be sore, stiff, and my legs are falling asleep a lot.

But I suppose things could still be worse. There are still a few good things in my life. I can still hang on to hope, as difficult as that is becoming. More and more it feels like I am looking at other lives, as if they were other worlds, and feel like I may never be able to return to a normal world again. But I try to hang on. And I continue to hope for better days.

Day 3210 - 4/15 - A day

Today was ok. There was noone at the library. It was super empty. I didn't play as much, as I'll likely be offline most of tomorrow, so I left play until then. I watched a lot of shows and did a bit of looking around at news.

I suppose for what it was it wasn't a terrible day. I was dry and warm and that's about as good as it gets these days. I tried to not let my sad things get me down and tried to focus on what happy things I do have. And I tried to hold on to hope until better days come.

Day 3211 - 4/16 - Bun day

Today was pretty bad. It was cold. It rained for a bit. And because the library was closed I basically had to be in places without a connection. But I kind of expected that would happen. And until my sad homeless life is no more, I will not have regular things.

But I suppose it wasn't as terrible as I expected. I decided to get a movie from storage to watch (which was one someone gifted to me), so that was nice. And the day passed quickly enough. So, while it was one of the more difficult days, I suppose its memory will fade and rest with the others quickly enough.

And I try to continue to hang on. And hopefully someday, when these days are no more, and I am living in better days, the memory of all of these sad days will fade... in time.

Day 3212 - 4/17 - New cute girl

Today was better. In the morning I got to watch shows and play my game. Most importantly I re-balanced from being on what felt like a very long weekend break. It was very good to be back in my usual spot.

A bit before class I was in my spot in the lab and the very cute and attractive girl from the class came in to look around. She asked some stuff and was wondering about the program we use (for editing). I was explaining it was super easy and gave her a quick show of basically what it is and the top couple of things to remember that are really all the basic tools to get into the program and start figuring things out. Later during class when the professor got to the parts in the lecture that covered those points I glanced over at her and she smiled at me.

There is a new 'helper' in the class too. So there was some extra joking around with him and the professor during the break and a bit after class.

After though the place emptied out quickly. Noone stuck around and it seemed like everyone else had pretty much already left. But I had an ok time watching a show for a bit.

Though nothing new really happened, well, aside from helping the newest cute girl around my life , today was a pretty good day. I laughed a bit, got to play my game, got to watch some shows, and I was dry and warm. (It rained today.) And I suppose for my life these days, that is kind of a big deal.

Day 3213 - 4/18 - Rain and sad

Today it is sprinkling a bit and I am pretty sad. I am worried about my monies. And I am worried too about this sniffly cold that doesn't seem to be going away. I can't remember when I could last breath without wheezing or coughing up congestion.

I hope today will be ok though. I am warm(ish) and dry. I have access to a micro. I have a bathroom. I should be able to watch shows and play my game. And though I don't expect people to need my help today I have a class I TA for, so that should be fun. So I try to focus on what I do have. And I try to hang on to hope for better days.

Week 460

Day 3214 - 4/19 - Helped

Today was pretty good. Again though, because of class not being until the afternoon the morning passed very slowly. But things are starting to ramp up, so after class, and even during class a bit, I helped people.

Once class was going things picked up quite a bit. There were some laughs in class in general, as well as a bit with the other TA and professor. So things overall were pretty good.

Things will slow down a lot though over the next couple of days and the weekend, so it will be tough to keep my sad things at bay. There are so many sad things, and with money running out it feels like more are closing in on all sides all the time.

All I can do is keep trying to focus on what I do have, and hope help comes and I can continue to hold on until there are better days.

Day 3215 - 4/20 - So very tired

Today I am so very tired. Because of all my sad things and all the recent additional stress I've been losing 2-3 hours of sleep every night for so long I can't even remember how long. It must be several weeks now. I'm starting to get so tired and out of it I'm stumbling and losing balance or focus for really no reason.

I guess the day was basically ok though. Mostly I just watched stuff to kill time. I played for a little bit. And a couple of people from the basic class came in, so I did a little bit of TA helping.

But things are very sad. I am very worried about all the things. And as people become happier and love is easier to see as things warm up, I feel more alone.

But I try to stay positive. I try to hang on. And I continue to hope for better days.

Day 3216 - 4/21 - In my head

Today I was in my head. Though I killed time on the surface, as it was all I could do, below the surface my mind day dreamed about what I might do if I were free. I thought of what I would play or watch in a home with enough money to have regular purchases and subscriptions to things. I thought beyond that to what if I were rich and living down south in L.A. and able to be a producer. Who would I help? What people would I back? And would I try and come up with a story and script to put together a team to produce my own thing.

Despite my mind wandering I couldn't help but come back to my sad life. Things like my body wanting healthy food, like salad, and that costing about double the money I have in a day to spend on a meal. Things like my stress losing me hours of sleep each night and feeling like I could pass out at any moment. And even more pressing issues just around the corner like needing to do laundry soon and not even having the small money for that.

So today was very sad. While day dreams are a nice escape, with no opportunity they are no better than dreams at night. And both may remain dreams and never be more without opportunity.

But I try to hang on. I try to stay hopeful for the future. And I try to continue to hope better days will come.

Day 3217 - 4/22 - Would have been nice

Today was ok, but I had terrible sad dreams last night; ones where I was crying in them. So all day I was extra tired and sad.

I suppose the day passed well enough. I played some games, messed around looking at some news, and found a new game in the works to keep an eye on.

Someone who watches over me came by my spot yesterday. He said he would have bought me some dinner, but didn't have the time, so he gave me $10. I was thinking tonight it would be nice to go get a smaller fresh dinner at the fancy food store and spend most of that. (It's about $6-8 for those dinners.) I would have got some salad and freshly cooked chicken. I decided to double check just how low my bank account was, as I knew it was very low. I have maybe one week's worth of gas in there. So there went that idea. Even putting the money I would have spent on food into my tank I think I've got enough for two or maybe three weeks left before I'm completely out of money.

I worry about my health. It's rare that I get specific food cravings. And I'm extra worried, as I'm still sore all over, and just a touch to the front of my left hip bone I have had a very mild pain for a few days now. I'm hoping it's just something I pinched or sprained and not something serious. But I've had a super upset tummy lately. Both from such bad food, and also from this extra stress over the missing money, and now after its return having so little.

And of course I worry about me. The me overall. The me who's hopes and dreams are seemingly not only not going to come true, but are dying, as more and more opportunities seem impossible. And even the survivor me, who just wants to be ok day to day, it seems the more and more things I enjoy doing, the things I'm good at, are under appreciated and not something people are willing to pay for.

But for the moment I still do dream. And that has become a rare thing in these years. And I do still have a mind which wanders and wonders about the future. Which again is a rare thing these days. And today I found a movie to watch in the library, which is free. And some cookies on sale at the store which are super yummy. So that is at least something. And my laptop and tablet still seem fine, so I can still at least try to do all the things.

So I try to stay hopeful. I try to hang on. I continue to hope that help will come and I can make it through to better days.

Day 3218 - 4/23 - Empty phone

Today seems a bit extra sad. This morning I decided to check my phone (usually there isn't a reason to keep it on since I don't usually get a signal at school) and it showed zero time left. It's not a ton to get more, I think it's a minimum of $10 or $15, but I don't have anything for that. So it will have to remain at no time for a while.

Someone had also insulted a Critical Role member on the gaming group social page. It was that guy in my weekly Monday game who I didn't like. I posted a reply about why he was wrong and the good that the show has done, and that the show fans have created one of the most tolerant and accepting communities, not just for gamers, but overall, including giving tens of thousands to charity on their behalf. Not one person 'liked' my comment or showed support. Again I find myself regretting the money I spent reaching out to that group and trying to find local friends. Sure, a few have added me to their social page 'friends' and I enjoy gaming with them, but it breaks my heart to know no one voiced support of my position. Even more so that (again) no one reached out to me about my comment about this being the most difficult time of my life.

I tried some salad today. I used to get it pretty often with chicken when I was working and money wasn't really an issue for food. It took all of my food budget for the day, but hopefully it will work out ok. I had enough for both meals and some left for tomorrow, provided it survives the night. My tummy isn't complaining as much as it normally would, so that is something.

Today seems sad. I still feel very alone. I still wonder if I will ever have real friends again who I hang out with, respect the opinions of, and who respect mine. I feel sad my choices on, well, everything, are so limited. And I worry about my lack of money more than ever. I continue to hope there are those who watch out for me out there, and that help will come and I can hang on. And I try to hang on to hope that I will make it to better days.

Day 3219 - 4/24 - Big helping

Today was pretty busy. Things were slow in the morning until about lunch. Then things rapidly picked up as I was checking in with a professor who will be subbing today and tomorrow. My regular professor is out at a convention this week, so all her classes will be done by other people. Since I've been with her for almost the last three years I'm super familiar with all the projects and things.

So during class I was super helpful setting up assignment stuff, and then there was a brief period where they were out shooting, and then for the rest of the night I was helping them get the editing stuff together.

I almost admitted my crush to the cute girl. We were putting their names on a list for stuff they were borrowing and she was super happy that I knew her name. She was like 'It's probably because you helped me that time that you remember'. I was going to respond with something like, 'Yes, it's totally not at all because I think you are super cute and really attractive.' But I didn't say it because there were other people nearby and my attention needed to be divided by people checking out things. By the time things settled down enough I could have, she was gone.

But that's probably for the best. She is young enough that would be kind of inappropriate for me. And from her perspective it would probably be uncomfortable to hear that. So I guess it's better left unsaid. I mean, sure, big age difference relationships can work fine, but the odds of her being interested are astronomical. Plus I have no idea if she's a gamer at all, what she's into, what she likes or doesn't like, or much of anything. All I know is she is super polite and friendly, and from what I can tell she has the kind of personality who would prefer a quiet night with a few friends at home as opposed to going out to a loud club... so, anyways...

I guess today was pretty good. Most of the day I was distracted from my sad thoughts. I didn't get to play because the bandwidth was really bad. And by the time it was clearing up there were people I was helping. But as I replied to someone who said thanks and that he really appreciated my help, 'It's no problem. If I didn't want to be there helping I wouldn't be there.'

So I guess today was pretty happy. I am still a bit smiley. As the night closes in and gets colder and settles down my thoughts will turn towards the sad things. But I will try to hang on to happy things. I will try to hold on to hope for opportunity to find a place I belong; in a job, in love, and with friends. And I will keep hoping for better days ahead.

Day 3220 - 4/25 - Ok, but worried

Today I feel ok, but worried. I feel positive about the day ahead. I don't know exactly what it will hold, but hopefully it will be fun and I will help people in class.

But with so little money left in my account, and big bills coming up in a little over two months I worry. And without even just $5 for laundry this weekend or money for phone time, even the immediate future does not look hopeful.

But I try to go on. I try to remain positive. And I hope opportunity or better days come soon.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2017
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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