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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 9: Fractures

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 449

Day 3137 - 2/1 - F that guy forever

Today was busy busy. I have two classes that I TA for in a row, not really leaving time for anything else. When I get out I have about two hours for eating dinner and watching or playing stuff. In previous quarters when there were more evening classes that would have been about two hours more, so things seem pretty cramped these days.

In a home I'd still have plenty of time. I'd probably be just now eating and watching my first show of the night, instead of closing things up and getting ready to hide and try and sleep. The rain is back too, just a sprinkle, and it is much easier to hide. But it worries me, as it puts me at higher risk of colds.

Tonight that guy who is always late for the advanced class, and who has been disrespectful to me before, has done it again. It derailed things so much when he was, so I interrupted his disrespectful comment and said, 'No, you know what? F you. We are done.' And stopped what I was previously in the middle of saying. I don't really know if anyone in the class noticed, which kind of makes it worse.

In a very small way he is right in that maybe I do comment too much and should let people fail on their own more. But I want people to feel confident and do well, not fail for reasons that could have been easily avoided.

But being disrespectful of my thoughts and opinions is not ok. Not agreeing, or not choosing to take the advice, that's fine. As that is how I offer things; people can heed it, or adopt my ideas, or not. But I do expect people actually listen to it first, not just blow me off, as if I'm nothing, let alone go all the way to being disrespectful by cutting me off with a smart ass comment. I will now not help him at all. His things will get no constructive criticism from me, and in pre-production phases I will not give him tips or reminders of potential pitfalls, be those pitfalls by his own doing or by how people will interpret, or misinterpret, what he is doing.

So that put me in a bad and angry mood, which is extra sad because I know that there was good elsewhere in the day. There were four students in the beginning class I know that I for sure helped, and there were a few others in the intermediate class I know appreciated the things I said. But because that guy was an ass, it's difficult for me to see the positive. So F that guy from now for sure. Everyone gets a few strikes, and that was his last.

But now, as the night begins to chill, and the rain gently sprinkles, I will hopefully b able to settle in and sleep. Hopefully tomorrow I will be better, as I'm still recovering, now sneezing a lot. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3138 - 2/2 - Pranked professor

Today was pretty good, though I'm still much more sick than I originally thought. The morning started with some due assignments. But my brain was so messed up from my cold, much o the day I felt whacked out. I suppose kind of like I was drunk, though I've never been drunk, so I can't really compare.

Yesterday some people in the intermediate class set up a prank in the writing professor's office. They had set up two blow-up dolls having sex on his chair and scattered probably about two dozen red balloons on the floor. When he came in this morning I heard his surprise, and then he thought it was so hilarious that he was telling everyone he knew to come look at it. hehehe

My class was ok, though at this point I don't remember much more than five minutes of it in total. I don't really need to though, so it's ok.

After class I watched a few shows in the lab, and helped some of the basic class students who were there who needed help.

I'm still really horribly sick though. I sound terrible and even getting up and moving 10 feet causes me to become out of breath and pant. I'm eating maybe 25% more than normal. But I am eating, so that's good. In past days I'd feel extremely hungry, but after taking a few bites my tummy wouldn't care anymore. So having an appetite again is good. I'm drinking probably 250% of normal though, which seems bad. I seems like I shouldn't be drinking anywhere near that much. I almost always feel fat, and like my tummy area is about to burst with so much in there.

I suppose I am getting better, but if I had a home I may have stayed home today and just slept most of the day. It was very difficult to keep my eyes open.

Hopefully I'll get good sleep tonight and feel better in the morning. And, as always, I hope for better days.

Day 3139 - 2/3 - Almost completely out

Today was pretty good. The class I have is just watching movies, so we mostly just watched a movie. After, there was time to have a bit of a fun watching shows, and there was still some people around who needed my help, so I helped with that.

Though below the surface I felt terrible due to a cold, I am incredibly worried about death, and I am worried about how little money is left.

My cold still has me sneezy, coughing, congested, drinking and eating a lot, and probably because of that feeling fat, unattractive, and very out of shape. I can still barely walk anywhere without running out of breath and panting. I think even more are sick today, as it seemed only 2/3 of the normal amount of people were around. And of those who were, a lot were sniffling, sneezing, and coughing.

And my thoughts and worries about how I may not recover and may not get my remaining 40 years nearly consume me. In a home I would eat a lot better, try to exercise, sleep better, and overall emotionally feel much better. Without, all I have really is my physical form, which is bad. I can't help but focus on how rapidly my money is running out and I'm basically down to under $100, which will barely last two months before it's gone. And even though I have that, it feels as if I am losing my life as it draws closer and closer to having nothing at all.

I try to escape my trouble and worries, but ever since I got shaken everywhere I look seems to be only death and doom. My laptop can still play games, but it's more than 6 years old now. How much longer will it last? I just spent way too much on my car, but at 115k miles how much longer before it dies? And with so little in the bank that will be gone before next school quarter. And if I can't take classes and be on campus to microwave food, shower, help people, access the Internet, and keep student loans off my back, what will become of me? It seems everywhere I look things are closing in around me.

I should have been much more careful with the money. But so much was required to get back on track. So many things were behind. So much was required to just keep going. And even for just a brief while I wanted a little more than what I should have been spending, just so I could feel somewhat normal again. Now it seems like what could have been another year's meager barely hanging on life has been cut short. And I am terrified again, and constantly afraid and sad.

But I still try to hope. I try to play games, watch my shows, help the people, and hope that with all of that I can be distracted from my sad times. And that while I am distracted time will pass and I can have better days once more.

Day 3140 - 2/4 - Last cooked food

Today was ok I suppose, though I am still quite shaken. I am still terribly sad about all the things. And still very sick.

I did finnaly do some school stuff that I've been trying to do forever. I had a few windows of clarity during my day and I powered through it. So, one of my two classes are current in work.

Tonight was the last of the cooked food. While I still have a small bit of money left, I have to keep it for gas and a few other things. I am still very sad it went so quickly. The stupid car costs were so expensive, and I guess just a little extra food now and then put me off budget enough to mess things up. The money lasted just under half as long as I'd hoped it would.

So now I will have to go back to micro foods all of the time. That and ready to eat foods. Which aren't great, as I can't afford expensive things like fruit very often.

I will try to hang on, both mentally and physically, but with my recent scare and now frequent thoughts of death, and almost being completely out of money again, it is difficult to hang on to hope. And even more so to think better days will come soon.

Day 3141 - 2/5 - Still pretty sick

Today I am still pretty sick. I'm a lot better in that I stopped sneezing and my mind is mostly clear. I actually wrote for about an hour and am nearly done with one of my character backgrounds for a character I may someday play. (Though with not being able to afford the group play, nor wanting to do public group play for a few reasons, I may actually not play the character for a very long time.) But I'm still pretty congested, I still have periods of bad coughing, and an almost constant tickle in the back of my throat. I still have a lot of headaches, and pain pushing behind my eyes.

But today was better, at least a little bit. And I tried to not let my sad things bother me too much.

As always though I hope for better days, and try to hang onto hope until they come.

Day 3142 - 2/6 - Obviously still sick

Today I discovered that I am obviously still much more sick than I thought. My mind is mostly clear, but there are still some hiccups of confusion here and there. And while I felt ok during the school day, when walking out during the evening I started panting, coughing, and nearly threw up. A lot of the time when I'm coughing lately it starts to feel like I'm being strangled.

So, obviously I am still very sick. Which is good and bad that I discovered it. Good in that I'm getting better and mostly ok if I have low to no activity. So that means I should be recovering. But bad in that I can be exhausted and horrible feeling again by even the slightest stress and strain on my system. I'll have to be extremely careful to minimize or eliminate stress, which during these sad homeless times is very difficult to do.

Other than that today was pretty good. I helped a little in the basic class that I TA for, and there was time to play and watch shows. Time passed oddly though, likely a symptom of my cold. Moment-to-moment seemed very slow, but overall the day seemed to pass extremely quickly. Not really a point that matters, but it is an important sign I am still sick and to keep an eye on it.

Hopefully I can get lots of good sleep tonight. Hopefully tomorrow I will continue to get better. And hopefully better days will come.

Day 3143 - 2/7 - So much congestion

Today I am very congested. I feel a bit better overall, and my cough and wheeze is lessened. But, I am still super congested in my lungs and throat. Hopefully this means the cold is almost over, as this is how I remember it starting.

Today I have an intermediate class to TA. This is not the one with the ass hat, that's tomorrow, so today should be pretty good. We will just be doing scene stuff, so I'll likely just sit and watch. Since it's directing I don't have a whole lot to say. It's more I'm around to help set up things, or help with exercises when they are in groups.

But hopefully I can continue to get better. I continue to try and focus on the positive things in life and remain hopeful until better days come.

Week 450

Day 3144 - 2/8 - Weird feeling disconnect

Today I have been feeling a weird soft of disconnect. I can only think to describe it like I feel like your arm or leg does when it's on that edge of being asleep. I feel normal-ish; the people around me seem like they should be there, I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. But it all feels hollow, or unnatural in some way. As if maybe I'm in the future and dreaming, and I realize this is a dream, but I can't wake myself up.

In a way I've felt this way for a few days now. I don't know if it's an effect of the cold, or some odd effect or change in the future that I'm feeling ripples of now, or what.

Something odd happened today. A super cute redhead (who is much too young for me, and has no interest anyways) walked by somewhat close. She had on a different perfume than she normally does - one that smelt like flowers. It's strange how I'd forgotten that's my favorite smell on girls. (Which is kind of odd since real flowers make me sneeze.) That or vanilla. I suppose there are many things about a sweetie I've forgotten since I've been single for so long. But it struck me as sad, as it felt like a reminder that there are so many things I'm starting to forget about the me that was. And I wonder how much remains in this shell of my former self.

But I don't know if I feel better, or if it's a change in the weather (to warmer and drier times), or something yet to be discovered, but my path doesn't seem as bleak. Or at the very least, regardless of how lost I feel at times, it feels like it was recently clarified. So I try to hang on to hope. And hopefully better days are coming.

Day 3145 - 2/9 - Throwing up

Today was a pretty terrible day physically. It started fine, but in the early afternoon I started feeling really bad in my tummy. It felt like someone punched me really hard. As time went on it got worse and worse. Eventually I started to feel hot, sweaty, and all I could feel in my whole body was the pain in my tummy. Then, I threw up. Several times. I had to close my eyes because I knew if I saw it things would be 100 times worse. I had run to the bathroom in time, but it was in the middle of a class group project, so when I came back to the group I told them I'd thrown up and had to go lie down.

People in groups were here and there all across the floor, so I walked through the rain to go out to my car. I laid back and closed my eyes. Surprisingly I passed right out to sleep for about 1.5 hours.

When I woke up, the pain wasn't so bad, so I continued my day as normal. When it came time to eat dinner, I ate an hour later than I otherwise would have, and only ate about half.

Now I feel ok overall, but the punched in my tummy feeling persists. It isn't anywhere near as bad as before I threw up, but things are still upset in there.

I guess either I'm still much more sick than I thought or my lunch didn't agree with me. Either way, I try to hold on to hope for a good rest tonight, and better days in the future.

Day 3146 - 2/10 - Still feeling punched

Today was bad physcially. I still feel punched in the gut, no doubt the muscles hurt from throwing up, in addition to my chemical balance being thrown off. I still have my cold too. My eyes hurt a lot, I'm congested, and my ears are ringing. I suppose maybe soon I should see the school doctor if I don't get better, but I have a feeling it's just a cold that's going around and they can't give me anything that would help.

And I had a bad day emotionally. I still feel bad, sad, and very mad at myself for somehow burning through my money so fast. Yeah, some things are still taken care of as I paid a once a year price for them, but other things will be coming up very soon that there won't be any money left for. I should have kept more careful track. Where it was going and how quickly. Of course it didn't help that car stuff was triple or more what I'd hoped it would have been, as well as other basic costs like getting caught up on clothing being a few hundred. It's been so long since I've had money I didn't feel like I needed to go all the way to a weekly budget (beyond the quarterly estimates I had), but I guess I should have. Now I am worrying all the time again, and I barely have any.

So today was very sad. I felt bad physically, feel sad and worried again emotionally, and with all the cold weather it seems all I can focus on are the bad things right now.

But I try to hang on. I try to keep hoping better days will come soon.

Day 3147 - 2/11 - Appetite returning

Today was a bit better. I changed a bed thing last night and actually slept a lot deeper than I otherwise have been. I think due to the weather some of the bed items haven't been able to properly fully dry out each day. And what with not being able to wash them as often as I should I think maybe a bit too much yuck is on them that I might be allergic too. I'll wash and dry them super well tomorrow. Hopefully that will hold through the rest of the cold days until I have extra money to wash them again.

I wasn't very hungry for lunch. I ate hours after I normally would have, and when I did I barely ate. I had about 10 crackers and that was it. For dinner I ate my normal amount, so I think my tummy is finally recovering from throwing up. Hopefully too I'm recovering from my cold and I'll be better soon.

I was supposed to do a bit of homework today, but I really wasn't in the mood. I was actually in the mood to play, which is rare these days, so I played my MMO for a few hours.

I guess both physically and emotionally I feel a bit better today, despite my money or general worries getting any better. I continue to try to hang on, and hopefully better days will come soon.

Day 3148 - 2/12 - Almost homelss normal

Today I felt almost homeless normal. The day started with a chance to do some extra laundry, so I did all the bad bed stuff. I also got a chance to shower, so I trimmed my hair and got an extra long shower. (Though I think I cut it too short, but I suppose it will grow back in a few months. It's tough to do on your own with only a single angle distorted locker room mirror.)

I did my homework... mostly. I again just wasn't feeling it, so I did about 2/3 what I should have. It's fine. I have several hours Thursday morning to finish before class, plus any time that may be free before that.

I had a few hours to play and watch shows, so that was good. I am starting to feel more homeless normal since the rain has gone and it's a warmer day.

I do still worry about money. And I worry if I will ever truly be appreciated for the things I do and if I'll ever get paid to do something I am decent at and appreciated for. But today I feel at least a little hopeful for the future and hopefully better days will come.

Day 3149 - 2/13 - Short game

Today was pretty good. I was helpful in the class I TA for, and extra helpful after since things are coming due. I didn't have a lot of time on my own as there were only a few hours free after class before my game.

The game was ok, but again the guy who bugs me bugged me. It's really just how he interacts at a game mechanic level that bugs me most. That and how his role playing is 100% limited to what he's read. It's like a historian's knowledge. There is no soul, no spark, nothing new created, only fact and regurgitation of what came before.

But the game was fun. And what limited time I had to play and watch shows was fun. I think too I'm starting to feel better. I ate normal amounts of food and was clear of mind. Though I am still tiring easily, and still pretty congested, so I am certainly still sick. But I try to hang on to hope. And I hope better days come.

Day 3150 - 2/14 - Game things

Today I am super congested and sneezy. I am still a bit low on endurance, so I am obviously still sick.

My mind is preoccupied with my game things this morning; various characters and story things. So that is good, as I have been too depressed to want to be playful or creative lately. It's a good sign that things are returning to normalish. And indirectly, of course, that affects my schoolwork and ability to TA well, as more creative thought is helpful.

It is sweetie's day, but I have been single forever and don't have anyone in my life that I hang out with, so I expect nothing unusual in that regard. But I try to hang on to hope and focus on what few good things I do have, as there are so many sad things and worries. And I continue to hope better days will come.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2017
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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