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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 9: Fractures

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 437

Day 3053 - 11/9 - Feeling weird

Today I felt weird. I'm extremely tired and actually fell asleep while watching a show for a few minutes. I'm extremely hungry, as well as extremely thirsty. It's almost as if I've been exercising and doing heavy energy use type activities. But I'm not. Maybe I'm sick again and my body is fighting off a cold. I have sneezed a few times today and my ears do seem extra waxy inside. I'm not sure.

I am feeling off today. Maybe it's just these odd cravings and extreme exhaustion, I don't know. But I feel like I'm out of place, like I'm missing something I should be doing or something I should have.

I suppose it's just the incredible constant stress of a sad homeless life getting to me again. Maybe I just need another break. Worrying about what I have gained being lost again when the money runs out, and what if my fan is broken again and I lose the car, or what if this is the last school year there are enough classes, or even if it's not will there be enough for another after that, or is that the absolute end. And of course all the other feelings about being alone for the holidays and the end of yet another calendar year.

I may never know. All I can do is try to seek out my feelings, try to let go of what I can, try to hang on to what I can, and stay hopeful for tomorrow.

Day 3054 - 11/10 - Felt odd

Today felt odd. I remember most of it, but the time passed unevenly, and the feel of it was off. In the morning when I was TAing I found a creative way to get the class assignments printed since the printer was out of paper (using some recycled paper they have in a bin) as well as doing a creative pathway blocking for someone working on a door where students kept going in and out of it. And I was helpful to people who were doing a class film assignment.

But after, even though I continued to help, I felt weird. Time passed at a slow, then fast, pace. I was clear headed, yet when I wasn't helping I felt like I was in my own world, and out of touch with everyone.

Maybe I am fighting off a cold. Weird dissociative times like this sometimes feel that way. Plus I am still extra hungry, and so exhausted I again almost fell asleep at a few points during the day.

But I feel helpful, I feel alive though still disconnected from people, and I feel hopeful for the future. (Not specifically tomorrow, as it's a holiday and it will be difficult with everything closed.)

Day 3055 - 11/11 - Another $25

Today worked out well enough I suppose. It was difficult to pass the time, as I expected.

First, I passed the morning messing around a bit and then doing laundry. I decided to check the car to be safe, which wound up taking most of the day. Sadly nothing was wrong with the fan, but they did the checks free and replaced the fan sensor seemed to clear up the issue. It was $25 for that, which seems more than fair for an hour of testing and a few minutes to swap it out. However, if that isn't it, then it likely will require changing the car's computer, which is about $500. And while I do have that for the moment, it is a large majority of what I do have left. So I am hoping that the sensor will be the last repair and I can keep what's left for the future, as planned.

After that I spent the hours that were left at school. It seems not everyone got the message that there weren't classes, and there were several cars and people on campus. It didn't feel weird to hang out there at all, which was my big worry.

Tomorrow things will be back to homeless weekend normal, or so I hope. And though my back feels like it will snap from all the stress at this moment, I am hoping I can let it go, and return to my normal levels and retain hope for the future.

Day 3056 - 11/12 - Good faith monies

Today was pretty good. It actually passed quickly. Mostly I did stuff with my pen and paper gaming stuff I'm doing to make my digital stuff easier and quicker to reference.

The person I'm doing the editing job for met me today, but again forgot her footage. She felt bad and gave me some 'good faith' monies. I always feel weird about her paying me in advance. I'm not used to people thinking me worthy to do a job and appreciating me and paying me in advance as some kind of retainer.

I didn't really do much with my day after that. I watched a few shows and played games for a bit. But mostly my mind wandered here and there. Partly in the now. Partly to the what if of now. And partly to the future which may or may not ever come to pass. But I felt ok with things. For a sad homeless life there is still more good than bad. And in some way the things I lack create freedom and flexibility, things I may not otherwise have. And for that I am grateful.

Day 3057 - 11/13 - They might be cheating

Today was pretty good. It was actually pretty warm in the early afternoon. I took off a layer of cloths after I got to the every other week game.

There is someone that might be cheating, as crazy as that sounds. He rolls with a slight wall of books to the DM's side, which is on the opposite side of me, and a few times a game I've seen him casually roll the die with his thumb after the roll. This time after that the DM said he saw it, nothing more than that. I have been watching and wondering if he's just adjusting to add modifiers and do further math in his head, or if he's actually cheating rolls. I haven't noticed a pattern to the end result of the roll though. It seems equally uneven.

Other than that I guess the day was ok. It seemed to pass very quickly and I didn't do as much as I'd planned. But since there isn't anything important I did today I guess it's ok.

I am still very hungry and very tired. I'm sniffling and have a touch of sneezing. So it's possible I'm fighting off a low level cold. For now I will try and get extra sleep later, and hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 3058 - 11/14 - Felt meh

Today felt very meh. I had a very hard time sleeping last night, losing half the night's sleep for seemingly no reason. Maybe that's why I felt off. But the morning class seemed terribly dull and uninteresting. I helped some people with projects, but I just felt bleh.

Maybe it has to do with this minor cold. Maybe it's because I miss a sweetie, friends, and a life. That could be too. Maybe it's something else. Maybe it's nothing, I may never know. All I can do is to sleep and hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 3059 - 11/15 - Now and later

Today I still feel odd. It's strange to be visiting a home on Monday night for a few hours and then back to my regular homeless life. Things like a shower are so very different. I suppose I am just sad and missing the things I don't have in my life. I suppose too I am feeling hopeful about the future and what I may have again later.

Today there should be lots of fun in the class I TA for since a big project is due, which means I likely won't be needed for much helping later. But hopefully today will be a good day.

Week 438

Day 3060 - 11/16 - Too cold, too hot

Today was ok, I think. I'm not actually sure as I don't really remember it. I was so completely exhausted I couldn't think or focus at all. Which is ok because I didn't need to.

The computer lab where I hang out, and I'm in all day on Wednesdays, has been freezing lately. Like 65F when everyone is in there. One student brought a light blanket due to being so cold in recent classes, and the professor brought extra cloths as she's right under a vent at the front desk. I brought an undershirt and thermalish underpants to put on. I put on the undershirt, but the temperature was reverse. It was actually too hot, at upwards of 77F when we opened both doors to try and cool things off. I wonder if the freezing cold was an early stage of something dying and with that now broken it's too hot.

Really that was my day though. Lack of focus and crazy room temperature. I guess it wasn't bad, but I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 3061 - 11/17 - Big crash

Today was possibly the very sad start of something. Due to getting very little sleep lately and having a hard time getting up today I was more than half an hour behind schedule. I thought about skipping my shower, but decided to do it and just be late. Looking back now had I stuck with my instinct to not my day would have been fine. But I was rush rush, which is very unlike me. And going into the pool parking lot I went around a turn I've done hundreds of times and suddenly saw a car much too close to me. There was a loud thump as our bumpers hit. After parking and inspecting things his car actually had no real damage. And on my car the only damage is the turn light and parking light are maybe 1/8th cracked on the corner and there is maybe a 1.5 foot long by 7" wide black rubber strip where our bumpers hit, with my bumper only being slightly darkened in a similar way (from its deep bumper black color.)

So now I am worried what will come of it. He seemed totally understanding and calm, like I was, but I was a bit freaked out due to how it sounded. With no actual damage I'm hoping he will just ask for cleaning money, or nothing at all, as there are videos online about how to fix that kind of stuff. If he's not though it looks like professionally repainting a bumper could be $100-300.

The rest of my day didn't go well. I suppose I am still just sad in general seeing everyone happy and getting ready for the holidays with family and friends, and I have none of that.

I suppose, as usual, all I can really do is hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 3062- 11/18 - Quiet and calm

Today was sort of different. I had class in the morning to the afternoon which was pretty good, I suppose. It's mostly a movie watching class, so there was a decent one today.

After, things seemed pretty quiet and clam. It's very windy out, and it's growing quite chilly, so there weren't as many people on campus. I played for a bit, and then watched some shows.

I still feel weird. Now from worry about the guy I suppose, but as always worry about the money running out, what about the future, people have family and friends and stuff going on, but not me.

I suppose all I can try to do is to hang on to the good moments, hang on to hope, and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3063 - 11/19 - Pie

Today was ok. Most of the day my mind was shut off and I had a lot of trouble focusing. I feared I would just fall asleep and not be able to stop the sleepiness. But I actually turned it around a bit and did quite a bit of studying.

There was pie on sale at the store. I suppose in preparation for next week. I decided to get some. All they had were big ones though. Half a pie was $1 less, otherwise 15% less, but 50% of the pie. I saw no point in having them cut one to do that. So I have too much pie. But I think it's been a year since I had any. Which is a very sad thought indeed.

Tomorrow I have an every other week game in the middle of the day, so I likely won't have time for much else. But hopefully it will be a better day.

Day 3064 - 11/20 - Stinky

Today as pretty good. I got a shower in the morning, which is a bit of a surprise as the locker rooms have been locked the past few weeks. But the water has been on the fritz and it was wavering between the colder and warmer side of warm.

The morning passed quickly with the afternoon being one of the every other week games. One of the guys, who is probably like 350lbs, he's a really big guy, was super stinky. A couple of times I had to hold my breath and scoot further away from him because I felt like gagging. I don't get how people can be stinky like that and not notice. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive due to all the neutral environments I'm in lately, but yuck.

I suppose it was ok other than that. I tried to do some school stuff, but I just don't really have the time. I am still saddened by the probably 4-6 hours of productivity I lose on any given day due to my sad life, but there isn't anything I can do about that until it changes. As always, all it seems I can do is hope I sleep well, and hope that tomorrow is a better day.

Day 3065 - 11/21 - Headaches and pinching

Today I am very tired. I don't remember much of the day, just that I felt totally completely bored with my morning class. (And that 75% of the people cut, which isn't a surprise since like half aren't doing the work.)

All I remember of today really was the pinching of my underwear and underpants. In hindsight I probably should have returned the slightly pinchy underwear for not pinchy ones. I'm not getting fatter, if anything the contrary, particularly in the past month since I've had them, but they just feel way too pinchy and uncomfortable.

And too I remember headaches. Lately I've had quite a few headaches and had to take pills. I don't know if that's extra stress, extra sadness, both, something else like a cold, or what, but it's very sad and puts me in a grumpy mood that I would otherwise prefer to not be in.

All I can do is try do to my best emotionally, try to make good choices physically, and keep hoping for better days.

Day 3066 - 11/22 - Forgot it's tuesday

Today started pretty good. I got a long shower and had a fun time in the class I TA for. I had actually completely forgotten I needed to post today.

The day has taken an odd turn though. I heard back from the accident guy and he sent a shot of half of a receipt for nearly $700, which looks completely shady. I replied back that was BS, as the damage is only paint discoloration, and only on the bumper. It looks like he's trying to hide the estimate details, which is not going to fly with me if he's doing that on purpose. He's going to have to send the full receipt and I'm going to have to research it, as quick research on the internet showed painting would be $100-300, and completely replacing the bumper would be $250-350.

So now I'm in a bad and odd mood. I don't know if he's genuinely trying to rip me off, or if he's oblivious that he took a picture of only half the receipt, accidently making it look shady, or if the place he went to is trying to rip him off. I'm hoping he's actually an honest and nice guy, as he appears to be looking at his social page. There are a few shots of cars, so that would be sad if something he loves got messed up. But again, hiding half of the receipt seems super shady, like he's trying to get me to pay for upgrades and unnecessary work. If that's the case this will potentially turn into a vicious and long battle, which I don't want to fight, but I absolutely won't tolerate people trying to take advantage of me. Especially since reflecting back on things I can't with absolute certainty say it was all my fault. Maybe he was rushing too. Maybe he was out of his lane on that turn. I honestly can't answer those with certainty.

So now I am irked, upset, and unsure of the future.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2016
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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