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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 9: Fractures

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.


Week 457

Day 3193 - 3/29 - Unexpected nice

Today was pretty good, but pretty weird. The intermediate class had a 'final', which was just people showing their movies they'd supposedly been working on all quarter. In not much of a surprise, really only two out of about six groups had their stuff really ready. The rest was either garbage that could have been started and finished in a single day, or they didn't shoot what they'd said they were working on at all. Several projects were poor quality work for even the basic level class.

But the day was ok overall. After that, and before class really, I did some stuff for my final tomorrow. And then I got to spend a few hours playing and watching shows. Though things felt really odd after about 2:30. It was like noone was really around and the floor was empty.

Because my professor wanted a drink she let me keep the nearly $1 change after. So I went to put that into gas after school. I said to the guy 'so here is the saddest dest thing you'll see all week... $1 annnd 5, on number 9 over there'. It was about three seconds of filling up that I noticed it had flown past that and kept going to stop at $2. So nice. I waved a thank you to the guy before I left. That attendant has actually helped me like that before. I think around Thanksgiving he did something similar. I don't usually go to that one. It is closest to school, but it's about 8% more expensive than one just one mile down the road. So it's not really worth the added cost unless I'm just getting a couple of dollars in an emergency.

It's sad to think how much a difference a few dollars can make in my life, particularly with my recently having money and it flowing through my account like crazy with several hundred needed just to catch up on things. And so I suppose even when I win my millions and I have tons of money I will still always remain humble and compassionate to those in need. I do still hope when it happens that eventually these scars will fade. But I don't know that they will ever completely heal.

But until that day comes, until I am in such a position, all I can do is try to focus on what is good, try to hang on, and hopefully help will continue to come until I find better days.

Day 3194 - 3/30 - Maybe stress sick

Today was fine I gues. It was my writing final, which was really just people going over stuff we'd turned in a week ago.

I'm feeling pretty sick, hungry, super thirsty, and tired. I've been sneezing a lot. And starting yesterday I have a bit of throat congestion and a wheeze. I would guess this is a stress sick from all the worry about all the things, even more so because of the overcharge which still has yet to be reversed. I haven't called them out on it to the better business bureau yet, but the minute I have to stop driving and walk every day I will. Or if it exceeds 30 days.

I guess today was ok, but it was extra sad feeling as many others are done and going somewhere special. There are also lots of people like me who are unpaid 'helpers' in class who are being told they aren't allowed to help their professor anymore. Mine said she will ignore that until confronted with it, so I guess I can continue to help. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't. I suppose not helping officially wouldnt prevent me from being on campus. It would be like the early days before I did. But it would be horribly sad. I guess though that things will come crashing down pretty quickly either way. I don't know how I'll have enough classes, even skipping quarters, to last all the way through the 2017-2018 school year. There are only a few classes left I could take unless I did random classes outside of film.

But I guess all that is in the future. And the future is not now. There are too many unknowns to try and predict, and I try to hold on to hope and not assume things will continue getting worse and worse.

For now I try to hold on to hope that help will come and I can hang on until better days.

Day 3195 - 3/31 - Surprise gas

Today was good. I had my test for my movie watching class. I think I did good on it. After, I basically just hung out in my spot until I figured security would be coming by and then left.

While I was there someone who doesn't take classes there anymore came to visit. He gave me some monies and some movie tickets. Which is super helpful. So when I left I got some gas, which will be enough to last maybe two weeks if I'm careful, and have a tiny bit left over for food. So I will be tight on food, but should have enough.

I'm super sick though. I'm congested, extremely tired, and I ate and drank so much extra I felt fat most of the day. But it was warm and Spring timey, and hopefully I can hang on until better days come.

Day 3196 - 4/1 - So sick

Today I am very sick. I'm super congested, very sleepy, and can't really walk anywhere or I get winded and dizzy. And I'm drinking triple what I normally would. Oddly I don't feel overly hungry. I almost seem less hungry than normal.

I was plagued by bad fever dreams too. I woke myself with coughing and wheezing several times, and when I slept my dreams crossed with the fever and cold symptoms.

I suppose it was an ok day other than that. Someone brought me help. So I have a bit more for gas and food until my money is released and my food money cycles on the sixth.

So I continue to hold on to hope that I will recover from this terrible cold soon, and that better days will come.

Day 3197 - 4/2 - Somewhat better

Today I am feeling somewhat better. I can still feel the congestion in my lungs, particularly if I cough. But I'm not wheezing or winded. I am tired, but outside of that and the junk in my lungs I feel pretty normal.

It was springtimey and warm today. Hopefully that will hold and get even warmer and maybe I can wear shorts soon.

I guess today was pretty good. I spent some time at the food store in the morning since the library doesn't open until noon, and from then on I watched shows and played my games. The day was good because of that, and things did not get worse overall, so I suppose that is something these days.

But still I try to hang on and hope better days will come.

Day 3198 - 4/3 - Stress throwing up

Today was extremely quiet. I would guess everyone is on vacation for break. There were only about 60% of the spots taken at the library during the peak time, and probably closer to 40% on average. There were some teens there, but only a few, nowhere near the normal numbers.

I was extremely quiet all day, both physically and mentally. My mind did not have any classes to worry about, nor any students who may need my help. I just played and tried to get caught up on shows.

When I was leaving I got stress sick. The cold, or cold-like symptoms of stress, combined with continued aggravation of not having my money returned, made me throw up a little. It was most definitely stress, as I've had that before years ago when I was basically forced into a position at work that I was not trained for, nor correctly paid for. (I was a general clerk making around 12k, and when they re-classified that job after I'd left I'd been doing what required a C.P.A. degree and was rated at 28k a year.) This kind of throwing up is somewhat easy to recover from physically, as one just needs to calm down and it's ok again. But emotionally it's much tougher because stress can flair things up again.

But tomorrow is a new day. Maybe things will finally reverse. Maybe things will get better. I don't know what will come or what to expect, but I try to hope, until better days come.

Day 3199 - 4/4 - Still sick, still stressed

Today started busy. I slept in a touch since it is vacation time, and after grabbed a little food at the store, and then went for a quick shower at school. It was warm water, still not always the best on that side for some reason. I didn't have time to play musical showers to try and see if others were warmer.

I'm still pretty sick. Lots of coughing up yuck from my lungs, still some sneezing. And I'm extremely tired, as the cough is causing me to lose about three hours of sleep a night. I had bad dreams too. But they were weird bad, not like the old days where they were days of my horrible job years ago, or breaking up with any of my exes. I'm also scratching quite a bit. Maybe from things not being washed in a while, I'm not sure. But there are little bite like marks, and when I scratch areas get red and swollen, like my eczema reactions to things. Not sure if it's related to the cold or stress, but that seems more likely than reactions to unwashed cloths.

The money still hasn't reversed back to me, and they have two more days before I unleash a world of hurt on them. At that point it will have not only crippled my gas and food money, but it will then not allow me to get a parking sticker for school, or pay other necessary bills I might want or need to related to school, which will force me to park blocks away, possibly as far as a mile off campus.

But I try to hang on. I try to focus on the free day ahead and shows I could watch, or games I could play, or other things I might decide to do. I continue to hope that help will come and I can hang on for opportunity and better days ahead.

Week 458

Day 3200 - 4/5 - Finally returned

Today was pretty good. The morning started with trying to research in order to update my system build page. I'd forgotten how much of a total pain in the butt that site can be. I don't know why, but opening windows and tabbing causes really long delays for no reason. It must be something in the code that doesn't affect when you are on landline, but is very noticeable when wireless. I suppose it could be the browser I open it on, but I don't want to bother with loading another just to check since I only use that site once every 3-4 months.

In the late morning I remembered to check if they had gotten my money back to me yet. It was finally there. Basically exactly 30 days later. Which to me sounds like B.S. Like they didn't actually tell the bank to reverse it until their next normal monthly billing cycle. But I put in a request for my bank to reverse the overages and those got flipped almost immediately. So I finally have all my proper money again. Which I suppose after all is said and done isn't much at all. It will cover a bill that's due, parking for next quarter, maybe fill the tank, and then really that's about it. Maybe a few more weeks of gas after that and it's gone.

But things are basically back to what it should be. I suppose what the days should have been for sad homeless times.

It's still hard to believe taking a chance with my money destroyed me. For so long I'd hoped and hoped I'd get a big boost like that. And it came. But so much scaled out of control unexpectedly. So much was lost trying to change my life than predicted. I can't help but feel sad that had I kept things very small, as they are now, that I'd still have a bunch left and not have to worry about regular life costs for a while.

But what happened happened. I am where I am now because of the paths Fate offered me and the ones I chose. I can only hope it is leading where I need to be; either physically or emotionally.

But I played and watched shows much of the day. And although things seem to be turning towards cold and rain, and I still have this terrible cold, today was a good day. And I continue to try to hang on for better days.

Day 3201 - 4/6 - Spaghetti for breakfast

Today was weird. I started with a shower at school. I had plenty of time, so I made sure to get all my parts super clean. Unfortunately the water didn't get very hot, so I wasn't able to clear my lungs like I'd hoped.

After, I went to the cafeteria to micro some food. I forgot they close off the main section, but there is a micro on that side of that gate that I could use. So I had a micro spaghetti for later breakfast/early lunch. I suppose thinking back it wasnt super early for lunch, about an hour earlier than usual, but it seemed very early since lunch is normally 10:30-11.

The day was fine. I half watched someone's stream as I updated the system requirements page. It was pretty old, as the last update was in November. And still I have yet to do a very thorough check of the site. The store site I use for research is not at all kind to wireless bandwidth, so that takes forever. Hopefully someday my life will be back to normal and my passion for doing that will keep up as much as I used to. I mean, I still feel passionate about it, but with no ability to build systems or upgrade my system outside of a full replacement it's difficult to remain passionate about all the individual parts.

In the afternoon it started pouring rain. And by the evening when I went to my car the cold ripped through me during the short walk. I threw up from stress. So needless to say that seemed extremely stressful. Unless the Easter bunny or others are very generous things seem like they will get bad quickly again.

But I had a ton of fun today. At least as defined by my sad life lately. And I try to hold on to hope, and hopefully better days will come.

Day 3202 - 4/7 - Ears

My ears have been somewhat plugged for days now. I can't seem to pop them. It's not terrible; really it just alters the tonal range a bit and I feel pressure, but it's unusual.

Today was a quiet day again. I suppose about the best it could be for a homeless day. I was mostly warm, dry, had food, and able to watch my shows and play my games. Which is about the best I can hope for during a homeless vacation time.

Still, my mind worries about the sad things over my head. Particularly since the bill I paid and school parking was more than expected, and I have one gas filling and nothing more. These are the worst days of my life; certainly the most trying. And if I can get through them I have to think things will get better. So I try to hang on. And I continue to hope for better times ahead.

Day 3203 - 4/8 - Quiet time

Today was a very quiet time. It started raining, but cleared up by late morning. Everyone was somber and quiet because of that I think.

I really just watched shows and played my games. Which is good, as I deserve nice times. I am still pretty sick though. It is still difficult to get to sleep. But that is probably more stress than illness, though I am congested in my lungs and coughing quite a bit during the night.

Still, I try to keep hoping for better days. And I try to hang on to my health and hope until they come.

Day 3204 - 4/9 - Itchy

Today I was itchy at the library. I was not before that, so I wonder if I am sensitive to something they are using when they clean the tables. I will have to try and remember in the future if I start to feel even a little itchy to put a paper towel down where my arms rest on the desk.

Other than that things were ok. I did laundry, which may be one of the few for a while. I'll have to try and be extra careful with cloths. But other than that it was a pretty regular day at the library. Things cleared up and it was a touch warmer, so that was nice, but checking a weather app it looks like rain will come back by Wednesday.

As I settle in and have a few pieces of lunchmeat and crackers for dinner I try not to despair. I try to think of what is still happy in my life. I try to focus on tomorrow being back to regular homeless normal at school. And I try to continue to try and hang on until better days come.

Day 3205 - 4/10 - Smell mystery

Today was pretty good. Things were back to homeless normal. The basic class I TA for seemed to have a fun time with things. They even laughed when I did a few funny voices, so that was super fun.

Class isn't until the late afternoon, so Mondays and Wednesdays will be flipped from previous normal. Before I played a bit, and tried to watch shows, but as per usual lately the bandwidth became garbage by about 11.

I may have discovered the source of the strange smell in my car as well. I have this sample size thing I got that I've been trying in the shower. It might be putting a smell on the towel when I dry off, and thus on the car seat I put it on to dry during the day. I will throw it away and see if it goes away for good.

But today was a good day. Of course it could have been better starting in a bed, in a shower in a home (instead of the public one), but overall things were good. I talked to people, and even laughed a bit, so that is a rare thing these days. So I try to stay hopeful. And I try to hang on until better days come.

Day 3206 - 4/11 - Cute girls

Today should be pretty good. There is a class I'll TA for editing, which can be fun to see the things people make. Yesterday there were a lot of cute girls around. Maybe someday I'll find one for me. I probably won't see many on Tuesdays, as I'll be in the lab all day.

The day is just starting and it's sprinkling a bit, so that is kind of sad. But I have the class I help in, and then I can just play and watch shows and relax. So I try to focus on the happy things and hope for better days.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2017
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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