PC talk system recommendations blog Facebook YouTube articles and guides links bio
game screensots rabb1t's ramblings podcast email
Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 9: Fractures

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 469

Day 3277 - 6/21 - Last regular day

Today was the last regular day of the quarter for the last class I help in. The next two days I'll be on my own really and there won't be anyone who would need help with stuff, as all the stuff is already due. They had fun watching their final projects, and this quarter was actually quite a bit better than previous ones, so that was fun.

I'm so very exhausted again. I'm not sure why other than I'd guess an extreme amount of stress and lack of sleep. Of course there is some worry about not yet having enough for car registration due in just under a month. And, of course, all my regular sad things, but things are mostly ok.

I played extra today. And I tried to relax and have fun and not worry about what I can't control. I was still sad about all the things, but I try to hold on to hope. And I try to hang on until better days come.

Day 3278 - 6/22 - Most of the day

Today was super ridiculously hot. Even just starting the morning it was ridiculously hot. It was so hot in the afternoon that walking out to do food I could feel the hot sun and heat waves when I walked where there wasn't shadow.

I guess I felt ok today. I spent most of my day playing a game. I think in great part it was because I had nothing else to do, but I think too due to all my sad limitations I had no real options. I may try and think up some kind of project to maybe to, but honestly everything would take at least a little bit of money, which would be too much.

But as I played my game, over and over (as it's a quick match thing that takes 15-30 minutes per match), I wondered; why that game? It's not one I expect to play long-term. When a game I hope to get comes out in late October I'd play that one all the time and probably never go back to this one. But when I was younger all the games were basically arcade games. There was no greater scope to a game. I suppose, in a way, this was similar. But these days I do want a bigger goal with playing. I want something to last. I want to progress my character in some way. So it struck me as odd as to why play this one, which basically has no such progression.

Thinking about it I suppose that is exactly why. There is no commitment. And if there is failure, it's only temporary, for that one game. It occupies my time, and it's fun enough. But I think, above all, it helps to forget troubles and worries of the day. While I never forgot where I was or that I am homeless with a sad life, on some level playing games like that does connect current me to a greater me; a me that transcends time. The me that is just a gamer playing a game and having some fun. And, I suppose, right now, that can be the most important feeling I need to keep me hanging on.

Day 3279 - 6/23 - Don't remember

Today I was extremely tired. I really don't remember the day. I would guess I clearly remember about half an hour if you added up all the bits and pieces. I'm almost certainly going to have to try to get some extra sleep soon or the exhaustion will possibly cause bad side-effects.

I remembered I played some. I watched some shows. But I didn't do any of what I wanted or needed to do. (Though the only thing I even kind of need to do is get my site ready for new system recommendations with the new hardware coming next week.)

But I suppose I hung on for another day. I wasn't overly sad, though the sadness is always in the back of my mind. But I try to stay hopeful. And I try to hang on until better days.

Day 3280 - 6/24 - Feeling meh

Today didn't go as planned. The morning did, I suppose. I played a few games of what I've been playing lately, but overall I just felt meh about it. I want to do different things, and play different games. But without monies (or in some cases, the game being out) I can't.

I did remember there was a free to play game and saw notice that it's releasing soon and some can get in already. It's a game I played about five years ago, so I'm not sure how interested I'll be. If it's just the same thing recycled again I'll probably feel meh about it and stop playing very quickly. But it is free to play, so there is nothing lost but time by trying. I downloaded about half the game, so I'll probably have to wait until sometime Monday to finish getting it all. I guess we'll see.

It wasn't hot in the morning. It eventually did get hot later in the day, but the morning was actually gray, windy, and chilly. It stayed that way until later morning.

But I guess today was ok. I felt sad, but not overly so. I try to hang on to hope. And I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 3281 - 6/25 - Feeling weird

Today I feel weird. I don't really know why. I suppose it's a combination of things. I've been eating chicken that I got Friday night and some of it seems as hard as jerky. (I've been taking it in to the air conditioned library with me, so it hasn't been extra cooked in the hot sun.) Maybe it's because I've worn the same cloths for four days since I don't have a lot of money for laundry and I wouldn't see the same people each day so it doesn't matter. (But I don't generate much smell, so it's ok.) Or maybe it's just feeling like an outsider wherever I go. So many I know are moving on to bigger schools and continuing their school career, yet I need to stay behind.

There have been a lot of weird memory triggers lately too (even smells or feelings making me think back to different times or places.) Certain things I see or hear reminding me of other things. It makes me feel out of place, both in physical person and emotionally.

I suppose though I held on today. I did stuff and kept myself busy. I was sad, but not overly so. And so I suppose that is something. I try to stay hopeful, and I try to hang on until better days come.

Day 3282 - 6/26 - New is old

Today was a bit different for a few reasons. I suppose it started the same with buying food and then a shower at school, but the day was different after that.

I finished downloading a game. I don't recall if I mentioned this. This game is a re-tuning of something I played five years ago, which is now free-to-play. Well, for starters, it seems this is the only game on the planet which is firewall blocked by the school wireless. So if I did want to play it, I have to yank the landline cable in the lab. Which, while doable sometimes, isn't ideal. And anytime I'm not in the lab, is not possible. I spent maybe four to five hours playing, and it didn't feel any different from before. Yeah, a few details have changed, but in terms of pacing and what is happening overall, it feels the same. And, while I couldnt recite them from memory ahead of time, outside of the brand new tutorial mission, I 100% recognized every single voiced dialogue and quest that I did. So, for all of those reasons, I don't know how much longer I'll continue playing.

Also, it was the final test day for the first class I help with. So that was just basically finishing out that test, and then they were done.

And I feel tired. I feel sad. I feel things are ending, yet I need to remain. And I feel disappointed in that what I thought would possibly be a new way for escape is probably not, making the soon upcoming summer days stretch on to infinity.

But I try to hold on to hope. And I try to remember that each day is a chance for better days.

Day 3283 - 6/27 - Gray again

Today things are gray again, physically and emotionally. I'm sure it won't rain because it's summer, but if it were any other season it certainly seems like it would.

Campus is super quiet so far. There was barely anyone in the parking lot. I think most have had their test already and are done. I suppose today should be easy. I expect the class I help for will be done and gone by about 10:30, and I'll be left to play or do whatever I like in the lab after that with few to no visitors.

I am still very sore, extremely tired, and hopeful yet worried about getting the little bit left I need to pay registration. But I try to focus on the good things I have, and try to hang on until better days.


As I was uploading the week I got notice that someone has sent a donation and I will have enough to pay for registration when it gets to my bank. (The same one who always seems to send help when I need it.) So phew, that too is covered now and the biggest worries are gone, at least for the moment. Hopefully things will look up sooner than I previously expected.

Week 470

Day 3284 - 6/28 - Chilly

Today it continues to grow colder than the forecast predicted. It was actually what I'd consider a bit chilly, particularly in the lab where I was all day.

Mostly I didn't do anything important. Though I suppose I should finish my system recommendations and I have been forgetting to do that since the weekend. I did play a game for a few hours. And I watched some stuff. But overall I really don't remember the day. It passed quickly, yet I have almost no memory of it. If I were in a home I may have been disappointed that I basically lost a full day. (Though I'm sure I'd have had reminder notes for me to do stuff.)

My donation money was in my bank this morning, so I did pay the registration finally. So that is now fully complete and no longer a worry. And, I believe y next big worry isn't until several months from now in October. So hopefully I can finally start to relax now that I don't have to worry about that.

But I suppose today was ok. I had fun-ish. Nothing bad happened. I don't feel too sad, though I did feel sad. And I made it through the day, and continue to hope there are better days ahead.

Day 3285 - 6/29 - Quiet

Today was pretty quiet. Almost everyone is already done with their tests and off campus. I spent the morning finishing the things I'd been needing to do. Then most of the afternoon I played a game. I'm still torn about it. It's the old one which was resurrected, so I'm still in areas that I know. And I know it's very likely I won't continue to play past October when I hopefully can get a game I'm very much looking forward to. But part of me wants to keep playing. Part of me wants to get where I left off so many years ago and hear the stories I'd not heard and do the things I'd not done. But I'm torn too because now it's a 'very single player friendly' game. And I already have a game like that, one that is filled with people all of the time instead of empty. Yet part of me wants to keep going, despite its flaws. But a bigger issue for some reason is it's firewalled at school. Nothing else is. So I have to pull land line in the lab in order to play, which is not ideal. I'm curious if it will be blocked at the library.

But I guess it was an ok day. I still wanted to be in a home all day. To have the comforts of other things like cooking food, doing laundry, showering and trying to get my hair under control, playing other games and dividing my time between different ones.

But I have what I have. And while my emotions are calm and my sadness kept at bay, I do those things that do so and don't question them too much. So I try to focus on now, and I try to stay hopeful for tomorrow, and for better days ahead.

Day 3286 - 6/30 - Half cooked

Today I maybe escaped a bad mistake. I went to cook my lunch, and what I figured would be dinner. I expected the food area to close early, and I was right. What I didn't realize until I was eating was that I'd only cooked my lunch half way. The timer only goes to 3:30, and it needs 4 minutes, so I usually do it in two 2s. I did notice after the first bite, as it was a touch cold. But after a few test bites it seemed like it was ok. I guess it was pre-cooked and the micro time is mostly to cook the crust. My tummy was just a little upset, but I didn't want to throw it away since I seemed ok after a few bites and couldn't really afford to throw it out.

Today was ok I suppose. Things were very quiet all day. I snuck in to the lab even though there was a class, as I knew they wouldn't have a normal final and they'd just be turning stuff in. It let out about 2:30 and from then on it was just me and a couple of other people there until it closed for the evening.

I guess I'll be ok emotionally with the quarter's end. Next starts right up again on Monday (with Tuesday off), so there won't really be any time for sad feelings.

But I still hope for change. I do hope things get better. I try to keep an eye out for opportunity and keep hoping for the future and looking forward to better days.

Year 10

Day 3287 - 7/1/2017 - A passing

Today was strange. Last night when I did my writing I didn't realize year 9 was closing. Today didn't seem like a year starting either. It was a gentle passing of another homeless weekend day. I suppose nothing more, or less.

It was extremely quiet at the library. I expect because most schools will have the next few days off for the fourth, so people are out on vacation, or meeting with friends for BBQs and whatnot. As a very quiet day I was left alone with my thoughts, checking things online, and the game I spent most of the day playing.

I suppose today my mind lived in the future, again pondering what I will eat to try and get back in shape, and what level of exercises I will do to build my body back to at least not being in so much pain all the time. But that future depends on having a place to live. And in that place, freedom and peace to do so.

But I suppose it could be said my mind did, and by doing so it must still hold hope. And so I try to remember I live for yet another day, and in spite of how exhausted and sad I feel, there must still be some hope within me.

Day 3288 - 7/2 - Quiet again

Today was pretty quiet again. I was super super sleepy, so the day passed very quickly. Nothing really new or special happened, though I suppose nothing bad happened either. The day passed as a usual homeless sleepy day would.

I continue to try to hang on and hope for better days.

Day 3288 - 7/3 - In body, but not mind

Today was pretty weird. It wound up being split between school and the public library. The morning was very slow. No one was around but three who were doing a shoot. By the early afternoon it was apparent my regular lab spot wasn't going to open and my back was starting to hurt pretty badly sitting on the floor. (Which is odd because I do that all the time). So since that was not going to happen I decided to go to the library. I go a proper-ish chair, though I'd forgotten how cold it could get in there. It was a pretty stark contrast to what maybe was in the low 80s outside.

Being at school was strange. With no one around and the lab not open I was there in body, but not mind. Everything my eyes saw said I was at school, but everything I observed in others said I was not. There were barely any people, and I didn't do normal things.

I suppose overall it was ok though. It was quiet, and I was a bit sad, but I was warm enough, and I had ok foods.

I still haven't heard from my dad. (That makes it since like Xmas when I last heard from him.) I suppose the place the e-card would go, and the email I mailed to do go to the same place. I suppose it's possible he's lost that, or the ability to get to it. Though that seems unlikely. When I get a bit more flexibility I may have to send a physical card. With roughly 10 years left it's very possible he's passed early. Though I'd think his new wife, lawyer, or my aunt, would have informed me if that were the case, even if I didn't have any inheritance. All these homeless years I'd thought it might be nice to try and patch things up, make a stronger connection. (Than the twice or three times a year contact we have.) But I know he views me in a certain way, and he was stubborn even when his mind wasn't clouded with age. So while I'm homeless that would be a nearly impossible view to change. Though I would not regret such a lost chance, as he's had these past roughly 25 years to reach out to me, and he has not.

I expect tomorrow will be rough. I'll probably spend too many monies on getting a hot chocolate to be at the coffee shop. Unless I sat outside of school and parked across the street, as that's my only other real option as almost everything will be closed. But of all the holidays tomorrow is one I don't want to stand out like that, so I guess it's good I have a teeny bit to spare to do the coffee shop.

But for now I try to hang on. I'm sure tomorrow will be very difficult. But I hope it will be a passable day. And I hope things are at least moderately ok. I have two movies from the library, so there is that at least. But I hope it will be ok, and hope there are better days ahead.

Day 3290 - 7/4 - Uncomfortable

Today is starting feeling uncomfortable, but hopefully that will change. I came to the coffee shop and saw a few regulars there, though much less than the normal number. There was the manager I knew from before and some person who looked like she was still pretty new. I settled in and noticed the network is now password locked. I asked the password and, in his old ass-like fashion he said "freeloaders". I walked away not knowing if he was serious or not. It certainly instantly threw me back to several years ago when he was being an ass to me (thinking I wasn't spending anything when I was, in fact, spending $5-7 a day.) For a coffee shop which is literally right across the street from the college they still, for more than five years now, have the completely wrong attitude towards students who would come here to study and be with friends and may not always have money for drinks or food.

So now, even if it's only a joke password, I feel uncomfortable. The food store is apparently not closing today, so if the feeling get too bad I may just leave earlier than planned. I did plan on maybe not having a connection today (and the food store is about a 50/50 chance on that), so I have two movies that should last about four hours if I need to do that.

I am worried about gas too. I only have a teeny bit of money left, though the registration is covered. But there are two weeks of gas and that's about it. But for now I will try to relax. I will try to think that things will be ok. I will try to remember it is just one very tough day and then it's back to as much of a homeless normal as can be and things will be better. And all I can do is hope that I can hang on.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2017
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

flash required for the logo
best viewed at 1280 wide resolution or higher