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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 9: Fractures

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 447

Day 3123 - 1/18 - Good decision

Today I feel pretty good emotionally. I had my beginning class I TA for, which I don't do much right now because they are in the beginning lecture portion of class. And in the afternoon my intermediate class I TA for, during which I was pretty helpful to the professor.

I am still sad I'm not paid. I'm still sad nothing is really coming up in job searches. I always worry that the money is dwindling away and in some ways it will be gone in a few months. (Even more sadly that the things cost so much more than estimated and the money will last a year less than I hoped.)

As always I am sad about not having a home, especially in times like now when I am cold, and my clothes are wet, and there really isn't a way for me to change to dry cloths and warm up in the night. As always I fear my poor health will be the end of me, and I still feel shaken in recent days thinking of how close I may be to death and I may not get a real chance ever to recover.

But emotionally today was a good day. I smiled and laughed a bit and I felt helpful, and these are rarer things for me these days.

Day 3124 - 1/19 - Extremely sad

Today I am feeling very tired and extremely sad. Maybe it's because I've been sick lately, as well as feeling in very poor health and worried about dying. But I've not been playing games hardly at all the past few weeks. And often times just feel very sad, alone, and like things won't change.

I wonder if it's just the way I've been playing games. Now, for so many years, I've been on my laptop, playing at school because I have no home. When I had a home it would be a fun thing to do when I'm happy, or as a break from stuff, or between other fun things. But now, especially lately, it feels almost a requirement; something I need to do in order to feel like I'm still hanging on to my life. Not something I go to when I'm in a good space emotionally, but something I need to retreat to in order to escape from a very sad and bad feeling place.

I am still very thankful I have my games. And hopefully this will pass and they are fun again, adding to my fun instead of feeling like they are required to hang on to the last bit of normalcy.

But everything feels very sad to me now. And it seems more sad that something which should make me feel better is the thing I turn to that feels like it's the last thing I have from my old life. Yet it helps me hang on. And these days I suppose it is one of the few ways to feel like I can hang on.

And still I try to continue to hope for better days.

Day 3125 - 1/20 - Feeling bad

Today I felt ok, but overall when I was alone I felt bad. More and more lately I've felt sick. My heart feels weak, and I still get chills and jump at thoughts of death. I am still greatly shaken from the event about a week ago.

I feel bad about what food I'm eating. I feel unhealthy. I can't exercise, and while I still couldn't exercise if I did have money (while still homeless), if I did have more I could at least have cooked food at school, and even consider vegetarian options. But without, with being limited to store bought food, the only way I can really think of doing that is fruit, which is too expensive, or something someone suggested like microwaving potatoes. (Which from what I recall of my not homeless days is only cheap if you buy the huge bags, which I can't really do.)

So lately I feel extra sad about not being in a home than other days. I feel depressed because all of my options are limited. I feel unhealthy, and sad because of it because there is likely little to nothing I can do to change it. And, as always, there are the physical pains in my life.

But I try to hold on through the cold sad times. I try to remember there are other people who appreciate my help. There are those who know they can count on my advice. And I try to focus on what I do have which is positive to try and hold on until better days come.

Day 3126 - 1/21 - Feeling playful

Today I feel a bit better. While my sadness and worries are not less, and I did have some feelings of being shaken still, I am feeling more playful. I played quite a bit today compared to other days recently. Still not as much as I used to, but wanting to play at all lately is a big improvement.

Nothing was really super good today. But I suppose nothing was extra bad. It was still super cold, and I'm still sneezing and have a cold.

But I try to hang on. I continue to hope for better days.

Day 3127 - 1/22 - Better still

Today I feel even better. Though I barely did any of the homework I thought I would. For some reason I was incredibly tired. But I felt good enough to play things, and almost even a little happy and a little like my old (homeless) self.

But it was very cold. And it was pouring rain. Which is sad because I really like the rain. It feels very calming to me. But out in the cold, even when at school or the library, I am still too cold to really enjoy it. It is best with limited or no exposure to it's potentially bad effects.

Yet still my mind wandered to being in a home; what a day like today would have been like with at least a modest life instead of the sad life I have. And I was sad.

But I try to focus on what I have, and the happy things, and hopefully soon I will have better days.

Day 3128 - 1/23 - Mostly better

Today I feel mostly better. I suppose I am still shaken from my fear of death, but I TAed in the morning and was helpful, and then played for a few hours before heading off to the evening's pre-made campaign game. I also got some info from one of the people's books I don't have that has information for a character I'm thinking of, so that's good.

I suppose it was a good day, but now in the night and hiding I miss the comforts and ease of being in a home. I'd still have an hour to do fun stuff, but while homeless, and in winter, all I can do is try to hide and maybe do very small things on my tablet. But I try to hold on. I try to keep hope for better days ahead.

Day 3129 - 1/24 - The girl in the dreams

Today I feel ok. It's super cold, but the rain is clearing up. I slept pretty deeply last night, and the night before. Both times there was a girl in the dream. Both times my mind made new people for her, or at least people I don't consciously see in my awake life. So it's good to see my dreams finally being about new things, and not terribly sad things, even more so with a sweetie or love interest.

My mind is preoccupied with a new character I'm thinking of, so that is a nice distraction. And I have an advanced class to TA most of the day, so that should keep me busy with happier or interesting things.

As always I try to hold on to hope in what are my darkest days, until things are happy again.

Week 448

Day 3130 - 1/25 - F that guy

Today was ok I suppose. Someone was pretty disrespectful to me in the advanced class, in a muttering under his breath kind of way. And he's always late, which is somewhat disruptive, so F that guy. It's easy enough for me to not give him advice or comments if he doesn't ask.

The day was super busy so I don't have much time to do anything else. I had a few hours to eat and watch shows. I wanted to play, but there just wasn't time.

It was cold, but it wasn't raining. The temperature in the building is messed up, so I was pretty cold even with extra cloths. But I try to hold on. And I hope better days come.

Day 3131 - 1/26 - Sleepy

Today I was very sleepy and not feeling it overall. I was glad I didn't need to help, as I was in the mood to take a break. In class I really just didn't care, which is very unlike me. And I fell asleep for a few minutes a few times. It was stuff I've had in previous classes, and I actually did the homework we were supposed to go over, so it was fine to be like that.

I got to play a fair amount, but I hardly watched anything. Before class the connection was really slow and terrible, but after it was ok. But since my class is an afternoon class I didn't have time to watch much after.

Lately my mind has been pondering my story for my kobold character. I may or may not actually ever play him, but I think it's up there in what I'd want to play. His spells and abilities must be different from normal, as well as his tactics, due to some racial restrictions which will make things interesting and different.

I suppose I've been motivated to write his story lately because, in many ways, he's like me. (I have two other characters I came up with before him I haven't really been motivated to write about.) The people of his race are considered thieves, pests, and vermin, and as such are often enslaved, killed, or shunned from society. And even if they are tolerated, they are often on the fringe of society, living a fearful life often with no permanent home.

I guess I'm just rambling now, but I suppose in a way I've always made character's motivation and background similar to what I'm going through, or relatable in some way. I've never been the type of guy to make one opposite of me.

Though it's getting cold now, so hopefully I'll be able to sleep ok, and hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3132 - 1/27 - Warming

Today was ok, though I may have a new cold. That or the one I had has morphed into something else. I'm pretty congested and coughing. And I've been drinking a ton extra. And fooooo have I been sleepy.

I guess it was ok. It was a pretty regular Friday, though I didn't help anyone. It's still pretty early in the quarter for that, especially on a Friday.

It's slightly warmer than it has been though now it's super cold. But according to the weather thing I check online, things should continue to warm up a couple of degrees every day for the next week, which is where its forecast ends. So I hope my super cold days are son coming to an end and I may be warm again. I guess we'll see. But until then I have to try to hang on and hope for better days.

Day 3133 - 1/28 - Pretty sick

Today I am really sick. My throat is messed up and I'm having difficulty breathing. It would be better if it were not my every other week game this week so I could feel better when playing. Hopefully I can get a good rest and feel better in the morning. But what with ice on the car in the mornings I may be getting too cold at night and this cold may be very difficult to beat.

This was an ok day I suppose. There was kind of some stuff for school that I wanted to do, but with feeling bad I was just distracted enough to not feel like doing it. Nothing is really due until Thursday afternoon though, so I'm not really worried.

But times like this I am extra sad I am not in a home. Being in a warm home cuddled up in blankets with medicine to get better would be so much better. Until that can happen I have to try to hang on, and hope for better days.

Day 3134 - 1/29 - Super sick

Today I was super sick. Even now I am having trouble breathing, wheezing and struggling with each breath. I'm still coughing a lot and when I do I often feel congestion in my lungs and throat. But, because I've been sick for days, and because I didn't want to miss it, I went to my every other week game. It was super fun. But some of the choices the party made were... not the best. But, like rolling a natural one, sometimes the failures make the best stories.

I do think I'll pass on my once a week game though. I do still feel a bit feverish, and I have such a bad headache now it's hurting my eyes and ears.

Things were much warmer today though. In fact I was somewhat tempted to put on shorts after doing laundry because it was so nice and warm out. Now in the night it's getting chilly and cooling down. Hopefully the warmth will stick around.

As always I hope I get better, and get lots of rest to recover tonight, and that there are better days ahead.

Day 3135 - 1/30 - More sick

Today I was still super sick. I wish I were in a home and could have just stayed home, rested, and taken super good care of myself.

I guess it wasn't too terrible though. I do feel a little better now, and will hopefully be better soon. There were lots of others sick at school to. It must have spread last week and this week people are sick.

Last night around 4:30 I got super cold and was woken up by my coughing and probably didn't get back to sleep for an hour or more.

Hopefully tonight things won't be too cold. I try to hold on and continue to hope for better days.

Day 3136 - 1/31 - Still so many symptoms

Today I still feel pretty sick. I got lots of deep good sleep last night, so hopefully that helped a lot. I did wake up too cold and shivering around 3, but I don't know if that was from fever and chills (my skin was very warm to the touch for the most part), or if it was due to the super cold weather. The car was still a touch iced when I got up and moved to school, so it could have been either.

I have so many symptoms. I am sniffly; super congested in my nose, throat, and lungs. If I do anything I'm pretty much gasping for breath and wheezing almost immediately. And my eyes still hurt, and my ears are ringing. But I feel mostly better if I sit still and stay calm. Which is what I expect I'll basically do the rest of the day. So hopefully I can recover quickly.

As always, I hope for a return to the warm comforts of a home soon, and then I can be back to better days.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2017
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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