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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 9: Fractures

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 435

Day 3039 - 10/26 - Put the old away

Today was very different. I can't say that anything truly outstanding happened. But I was pretty helpful with TAing, and there were quite a lot of interactions with other student people.

Today I put my old iPhone 4 into the ex-garage storage. It will be the first day I've not carried it since so long ago, I guess about six years, since I first got it to help with my sad homeless times when I think I had nothing, or I just had my netbook if I did have something. I still very vividly remember one or two of those days taking the bus to the mall to camp the device.

It's odd to think of it as a big change. I've been using my phone that a rabb1t friend/supporter sent a couple of years ago now I think as a phone to make calls on. And the i4 stopped being able to play games around that time, or maybe even three years ago. So really I've just used it for podcasts, music, and as an alarm clock these past few years.

But again it feels odd. It was gotten as a safety line between my old life in a home and what would come next. Now I've had this sad life so long I'm having to let go of that line, and grab yet another line hopefully linking the two points.

In a way it feels like with letting go I am letting go of the hope and between points that device represented. Which is odd because it is just a device, a thing, of use and convenience, and not in fact a point between two places in time and being. Yet we do link such things. We attach places and things to people and times, and by association the feelings and experiences that go along with those.

With this putting away I know it is still there. I can still go back. And at the same time I know I don't need to. With or without it, willing or unwilling, I must go on. I must continue forward in time. But, at least for right now, all I have is hope that someday things will get better.

Day 3040 - 10/27 - Little play

Today was pretty good. I had fun in the class I TA for and I was pretty helpful to a lot of the people.

Lately I've not been playing my laptop games much. I guess partly it's because I'm busy and partly because I can play my tablet games. I've mostly been using it to play maybe 1-2 hours a day. And surprisingly it's super helpful with TAing, as I can just take pictures of urgent directions and such, so when I walk around to help people with questions about assignments I can just show them the picture. I think for most, connecting to the thing they've already seen, instead of my describing the thing, will create a better connection to the memory.

I feel sad about all my limitations, but overall fairly content. And accepting that, while limited, I'm in an ok spot.

Day 3041 - 10/28 - Ok test

Today seemed ok. I had a test and I was pretty worried about it, but I think it went ok.

I didn't get a chance to do much else. The morning time was distracted by people worried about the test, and then there are only a few hours to do stuff. Plus I left a touch early to do laundry, which was overdue.

I guess I feel ok about all the things, though I still worry about money. Even though I have realistically just under a year before it runs out, I am starting to again get constantly worried about that ticking clock.

For the moment though I feel at peace about things and I try to continue to hope for positive change around the corner.

Day 3042 - 10/29 - Nothing

Today I feel I accomplished nothing. In the morning I had just a bit of time until the library opened, where I really just showered. In the afternoon I only had a few hours at the library before a thing, and I felt much too sleepy to focus and do any of the school stuff I was supposed to.

In the afternoon I was set to spend a few hours with some others doing a creative type workshop related to gaming. But only the organizer showed up. After waiting more than half an hour after the start time we called it off. So really the time there, waiting, coming back, did nothing but waste 1.5 hours in the middle of my day. That did nothing to wake me up and improve my mood. After getting back and settling in at the library again I only had a couple of hours, where I again felt too tired to do anything.

I suppose it wasn't a bad day really. And while accomplishing nothing one day isn't an entire loss. It is disappointing, as I know in a home everything would have been around me, settled, ready, and I almost certainly would have turned my tiredness around and accomplished at least some things I needed to do. But that is not my life. I have what I have. All I can do is hope things turn out fine tomorrow. I get more rest, feel more awake, and return to my regular homeless life.

Day 3043 - 10/30 - Rain

Today was ok, but it felt pretty sad. I think it is a combination of my regular sad things and the upcoming Halloween time fun I can't participate in. Possibly too focusing too much on what will be lost in 3/4 of a year when the money runs out. As well as other clocks running out, such as running out of classes to take, which will lose my student loan repayment postponement, as well as losing a proper place to be where I can connect, use a microwave, and do all my daily things.

I had a fun time at my every other week game, but nothing really happened the rest of the day. It's getting late and I still have a bit of time to try and do all the homeworks I haven't felt like doing yet, but mostly my day is over.

It's raining. It's cold. I am alone. And while I try to hang on to hope for the future I feel sad about the present.

Day 3044 - 10/31 - No ghosts

Today was kind of sad for me. I felt meh in my Monday class and in the evening there was no fun time with little ones trick-or-treating, nor any Halloween time fun with friends.

I suppose things aren't completely terrible and sad. I have my laptop, and now my tablet. My car is working. Outside of my teeth and being out of shape overall, I am not physically dealing with any kind of great discomfort.

But as the holidays begin in earnest I again feel the sadness of the loss of all the things a normal life with family and friends would bring. And I still don't know if I will ever have what I have hoped for and dreamt about.

Day 3045 - 11/1 - Pass

Today started differently. I was super getting up, like 45 minutes. Then when I got to school there was a sign that there was no hot water in the showers, so I hadto change my whole routine for that.

It's raining, but today should be a good day. I have my TAing and then can rest, but should do homework, but I'll probably do it tomorrow and today will be a good day.

Week 436

Day 3046 - 11/2 - Some are stinky

Today was a slow start, but overall a pretty good day in the end. I still didn't play any PC games, again mostly because I felt too busy. But at the end of the day I helped several people in the intro class I TA for.

There was a cute girl there I'm sort of flirting with too, which always makes me a bit happy. And there was the cute girl I've mentioned before, though lately she's not been very close or flirty. Both are much too young for me, but it's nice to feel something because it reminds me that maybe there is someone out there for me.

I have been noting I'm extremely sensitive to smells now. It's like the longer my sad life continues, and the more I am in fairly sterile environments, my car, or outside, I am becoming more and more sensitive to the 'everyday' smells people get used to. In particular lately certain people, mostly their breath, has been extremely noticeable to me. And some just stink, not of bad stuff or poo, just foreign kind of smells or unplesant to smell things.

I've been getting very sad about things in general lately. The money, being finite, is ticking away. And while I can try and control as much as I can, I know it will run out. Similarly my time at school is ticking away. There are only a finite number of classes I can take. And after that, what then? I won't be able to stay at school, connect, and it would seem improper to continue being an unpaid TA if I am no longer a student. Everything will change within the next few years at most, within one if things go badly. And thinking about it last night I cried a little.

But, as always, today I tried to focus on now, what I still have today, where I am today, and how I feel with what I do have. For as much as I fear what will come a year from now, or maybe two, in all honesty tomorrow may not even come. So I should focus on just today. And today I was helpful. I made people laugh. I laughed a little. And that is something.

Day 3047 - 11/3 - Good, but sad

Today was pretty good. I was super helpful TA guy and overall very helpful with stuff. But pretty much from one on I was mostly done, and felt a bit lonely and sad. I was mostly in the lab just chilling; relaxing and playing some stuff casually and watching a few shows. I heard people in the halls laughing, saw a few flirting, and felt sad about my life.

I again thought of where will I be in a year or two? Will I progress on, or will I lose what few happy things I have? I won't have gas or money to do pen and paper gaming really. And I will run out of classes to take sooner at this point rather than later. And seemingly no jobs or my volunteering have put me closer to stable employment. Not counting I have made no lasting friends that I do stuff with, nor found a sweetie.

So while I felt wanted and needed for my experience and helpfulness, at the same time I felt very sad that doesn't feel more permanent. Nor does it feel like there are any permanent bonds forming with those around me.

Day 3048 - 11/4 - Canceled, surprise TAing

Today was actually quite different. It started with some sad or nice news, depending on how you look at it, that class was canceled. Since I am most happy and comfortable at school I simply moved over to my usual hanging out spot outside of the lab. About an hour later my professor that I TA for came by to sub for another teacher's intro to film production class and asked if I wanted to hang out and help. Since my normal class was canceled I could. (Had it not been I'd have been in class during that time.)

So today I spent most of the day TAing and helping for a bunch of students I wouldn't normally see. It was pretty fun. And although I don't recall my professor telling them who I was, they seemed pretty eager and appreciative of my input as the class progressed.

I am still sad about things overall, particularly during times like now when I do not leave campus and go home and relax for the evening, as I have no home. But I feel pretty ok today, and maybe more importantly like I genuinely may have helped, and maybe even changed some people's lives with that help.

Day 3049 - 11/5 - Feeling constrained

Today I am feeling constrained. It's likely just more a physical thing than emotional, as I have on a new tanktop, which is a touch small, and older pants that are pinchy in the waist.

I suppose today was pretty good. I got through most of the homeworks I thought I would; less than I'd hoped, but the directions for one basically don't exist. So I wasn't sure about the direction to take that.

Though nothing new which was positive happened, nothing negative happened either. And I got to do homework stuff, watch some stuff, and play some games. So I suppose, all in all, today was not completely terrible.

Day 3050 - 11/6 - Feeling at peace

Today was pretty good. It seems like it passed slowly, in a good way. I started unfocused and lost my time before the library to basically nothing and then watching a show. At the library I again lost an hour and a half to nothing, as I couldn't focus. But then I did, and in about 1.5 hours of research and writing finally finished the two page paper that is due in the morning. Though it is closer to 3.5 pages, it doesn't feel as good as it could. It feels more like quantity over quality. But it is done, and while classes are not a competition with other students, I do doubt that more than 75% of the class will be done on time. Only about 25% are keeping up with everything they should.

After the library time I took a gift card I've had for a while and went to see a super fancy movie in the theater. It was super nice. I can't really remember when the last one I went to was. I'd have to look at a list, but the last one I recall was in February.

So today turned out pretty good. Nothing new that will create lasting change happened, but it was a good day.

Day 3051 - 11/7 - Fan wierdness

Today seemed sad in the evening for several reasons. First, on my way to the game the car fan was weird. I noticed during the rush hour traffic it was unusually hot again, like before the fan was fixed. Being stuck in traffic I couldn't pull over. Then I heard what sounded like a loud blowing noise, like I'd turned the inside fans on max, then silence (like normal.) I had my music up, so I wasn't entirely sure what I heard. When I stopped a few minutes later the fan was most definitely not running. So I got depressed and worried that my fan job may have failed.

Then during the game, the guy I don't like wouldn't shut up the entire time. Literally from before I was there (I heard him from 10' outside through the window) he was bla bla bla me me me, and for the entire night there probably wasn't more than a 30 second span of time where he wasn't talking. It was really incredibly annoying. Even more so when he rambles about 'what would my character do', which he alwayas claims is supposed to be a knight, yet he not only doesn't follow any knightly honor code, but does the complete opposite, like suggest people rob and loot tombs of ancestral burial grounds. (Which has happened twice now.)

I think though really solidified things for me though. Again the entire night was random junk. Again when the story even vaguely touched on one of our back stories or our character's origins we were quickly turned away for time reasons. When the players started actually doing reasonable role playing they were shot down in less than a minute. It's not the DMs fault. It's just a pre-made campaign is about completion and players scrambling for loot drops. It doesn't focus on story progression of the character, depth of experience, places, things; even flavor descriptions aren't considered desirable in most cases due to time constraints. It really is pretty opposite of my style, even with the best of groups. I really think I need to find a group that's not league play focused. (Which I have the every other Sunday one, but that's a small number of hours every other week.)

After the game when I drove back to my home area I watched the temperature. They seemed normal, and there were no noises or smells. And the work order does say it covers parts and labor for 12,000 miles or a year, so whatever needs to be done should be covered.

But is it covered? Will it cost me? Is it something not the fan that's causing issues? I don't know. For now I am worried. And I am sad for several reasons. And all I can do is try to sleep and hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 3052 - 11/8 - Should be good

Today should be a pretty good day. I'm already helping do TA stuff so things are good.

Hopefully my worries can be behind me and I can focus on the few things I do have in my life.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2016
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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