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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 9: Fractures

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 445

Day 3109 - 1/4 - Not joining

Today was ok. It seemed to pass very quickly. I guess because I had some different stuff going on. The day started with a shower and trimming my fauxhawk in the regular locker room. So, that was a very nice start to the day. After, I played games for a bit and watched a few shows. In the evening I watched part of a tech show to see some new game footage.

Two days ago sadly my eyes saw incorrectly. I was so excited to see the cute girl mentioned on the every other week's game social page I misread "will not be joining us" as "will be". I guess though my eyes saw one thing my heart saw another. That's very sad, though really nothing would have come of it. I have to continue to trust that Fate is sending reminders.

But we are again one day closer to a regular homeless life, and that is something. As always I try to hang on and continue to hope for better days ahead.

Day 3110 - 1/5 - Awake brain

Today my brain stayed awake. I did my recording and editing in the morning, so I think that gave it the difference in routine it needed to stay awake.

Nothing was really different in the rest of my day. I played games. I watched some shows. But that was really it.

I guess all in all it was an ok day, save for my everyday sads about my life and what I am missing. But I continue to hope for the future.

Day 3111 - 1/6 - Reunion dream

Today was pretty good. It started with a shower, which surprised me. I was expecting the pool area to be locked up, since it usually is on Fridays during breaks. But it was open, which is really good as I saw stuff set up in the parking lot and was reminded there is the big flea market on Saturday.

The rest of the day was pretty normal. A bit slower in general on forums and in my online game, as most are back at school and work.

Last night, or maybe early this morning, was weird. I had a dream about being at a high school 50 year reunion. When I woke up and thought about it, it is probably a bigger reunion year than most, but not as big as 50. I again think I'll pass on going. (Though I have yet to be invited.) I am basically in the worst spot in my life physically, and probably emotionally as well. I have no one to reconnect with. Anyone who really cared to try would find me online pretty easily.

I'm not sure if it's a good thing or bad. Back in high school the world was a very different place. And I'm sure all are very different people now. Even though physically I have no achievements or opportunities, I am still quite different emotionally.

I guess overall today was an ok day. My brain stayed awake. Partly due to things being different, I think, but probably too due to the growing excitement bout school starting back up in a few days. At least some things will be better for me when it does. As for the rest, I will continue to hope for better days.

Day 3112 - 1/7 - One more

Today was pretty good I guess. Things are winding down. I've got caught up on all the shows I wanted to, which is good as vacation is nearly over. I played for a bit today too.

In a way I'm sad it's over already. I had hoped to do all of the writing for one class I expect we'll do over the quarter before it began, during this break. But I never got an idea to work from, so hopefully that won't slow me down. I'm sure in a home I'd have had more freedom, a lot more time, and been a lot more creative in all things. When I need to spend so much time and energy just staying afloat it's very hard to feel free enough to fly.

But there is one more day. Just one left and then things are back to nice in school homeless normal. Hopefully I can hang on. Hopefully I can continue to get donations to keep things normal after this quarter is over. Hopefully I can hold on to hope and sanity long enough to finally see better days.

Day 3113 - 1/8 - Storm

Today, starting last night really, has been one of the craziest storms in quite a while. It's pouring rain. I thought I'd just walk with no umbrella for a minute and be fine, but it actually took hours at the library to fully dry out my hoodie. I had no idea it had gotten so wet or took so long to dry. I'll use my umbrella and keep an eye on that in the future. It's super windy too. A few people in the area posted on the social page they've lost power.

Outside of that today was ok. My brain was mostly awake though I did nothing special really. I just played a bit and watched a few shows.

But now it's evening. The last before school finally starts up again. It feels like it's been about twice as long, maybe three times. I can barely remember the days just four weeks ago. Hopefully I will have a good time this quarter. Hopefully there will be lots of people I help. And hopefully opportunity comes and I can make it to better days.

Day 3114 - 1/9 - Failure to start

Today worked out quite differently than planned. Apparently because of this crazy storm we have been having my professor, and apparently several others as well as many students, were trapped on the other side of the hills due to a mudslide. In the bay area there is a coastal area which basically only has about three crossing parts through the hills to the rest of the area, and each part is about one hour up or down the coast from the others. So even trying to get around one blocked area is about a three hour detour for most.

So there was no starting class today for the primary class that I TA for. But, I was actually super helpful. There were about four students who had questions or concerns, so for about I'd guess 15 minutes I was talking to them and answering the relatively basic questions that the professor would have otherwise addressed. So I was already pretty helpful.

The evening game was ok, though the person who annoys me again really annoyed me. At one point I made a bit of a fuss that I wanted to do a thing, as I have to with him there, and he put up his hands and said, 'Anyone else who wants to lead is free to do so. If you want to do a thing just speak up and be my guest.' And I called B.S. in my mind. I didn't say it out loud, but anyone else is not 'free to do so'. He either railroads things until he gets what he wants or he just rolls his eyes at what you say and moves on as if you said nothing.

Something else odd happened. I noticed there was a lot of smoke in the kitchen during the game. And when I left I noticed all of my cloths smelt like burnt fish. Thankfully my hoody seems to have not gotten that smell, but the rest of my outfit, which today was the first day wearing it, has the smoky fish smell and is unusable until washed. I suppose it's not a huge deal, as it would have only been one or two days more of use depending on how I combined them with other cloths, but still.

I suppose today was pretty good. It was nice to be back at school helping, even though I'm unpaid and only helped maybe half a dozen people all day. But I continue to hang on, and hope for better days.

Day 3115 - 1/10 - Hopeful day

Today I am hopeful that things will be off to a good start. It's still raining, which is good, but I have to be careful not to get too wet. And it helps to keep things a bit warmer. I saw some cute girls on campus already, which always makes me extra hopeful.

The day is just starting, but hopefully my professor will be here and I can TA for a higher level class and things should be fun and different.

As always I try to hang on to hope, and hope for better days.

Week 446

Day 3116 - 1/11 - Feeling helpful

Yesterday and today while doing my TA things I felt pretty helpful. I'm glad I decided to see if the higher level classes could use my help. While I haven't done much, I have reinforced some good habits and reminded students of important things that sometimes the professor forgets to mention.

The next few days I'll likely just be student guy. I've got a class both days, and it isn't too likely any of the people from the classes that I TA would need my help. It's still a bit too early for helping with projects outside of class time.

I didn't play or watch shows at all today. I only had a few hours free. I guess I am ok emotionally, but more sad things are going on with my teeth, so that is always a concern. And, as always, there is the concern that my money is always running out, and the number of classes left I can take to keep financial aid loans at bay continue to dwindle with each new quarter.

But still, I try to keep my head up and hold on to hope for better days.

Day 3117 - 1/12 - Sad and tired

Today I feel very sad and tired. I've felt that way all day. It might be becasue of all my sad things lately and it feels more out of control than usual. It might too be because of my dreams last night.

I don't really remember them now, thank the Gods, because I do remember that they were very depressing and on the verge of nightmare-like in subject matter. All I remember was it was something about being lost, or dying, or out of control. I think I was in a fixed location or place, maybe a convention or a specific building.

But today I felt very sad and tired. I had a class but I didn't contribute much. I do have longer to do work I was expecting to do that I thought I did because there is new and different stuff before it, so that's great.

Hopefully tonight I can be warm enough, as it feels super cold. And hopefully I can sleep well, and not have bad dreams. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3118 - 1/13 - Very alone

Today seemed extra sad when it got late in the evening. Class was pretty good, and even after class some people said hi in passing, so that was ok. But I think all classes in the department were done by about 4:30, which is unusual. So my time from then until the evening I was alone. When I left the parking lot was only about 5% full; barely anyone was there.

I haven't played much lately and I watched an extra show of people playing a fun game. So maybe that is part of it too. Seeing people who were at least partially friends having a good time made me again sad I have no such friends to do stuff with, and no home with which to try and make such friends by hosting an event.

I suppose the day wasn't all bad though. I got a shower. I got warm. And though it wasn't great food, I did have enough food. And I suppose nothing new that was bad happened. So I try to hang on. I try to hold on to hope for better days.

Day 3119 - 1/14 - Cold, but ok

Today was cold, but ok. I did some pen and paper stuff in the morning to get ready for Monday and other character stuff for if I do an alt character in the future, so that was a bit different.

I played my online game for a bit, but no one was around. That isn't a surprise though. After, I watched a few shows.

The day was cold and I worry about all the things. I know that I and all my things should be ok in the cold, but still I worry. I, and maybe my things too, are likely much more fragile than I think. So I continue to hope, for without change or promise of such it is all I have. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3120 - 1/15 - Possibly sick

Today was good, but I may be super sick. My professor on Friday said some people were out and a cold was going around campus. I have been feeling congested in my throat and lungs lately, and for about an hour my eyes have been hurting. Being sick seems logical with those symptoms.

I suppose though overall it was a pretty good day. I got a shower in the morning, as the pool locker rooms were open. I had a quick lunch at school, as the church group was there and things were openish. And then for a few hours in the afternoon I had my every other week game.

In this cold weather though, what with possibly having a cold, I very much miss the comforts of a home. I miss the quiet. I miss playing whatever I want when I want. I miss being on a comfy chair or couch and lounging while watching shows. I miss cooking a simple dinner.

While I try to stay warm in the biting cold I continue to try and hang on to hope, and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3121 - 1/16 - Not that

Today was pretty different in terms of schedule. School was closed, so I couldn't do normal stuff. The library was closed too, so I couldn't go there. So I had to go to the coffee shop, which wasn't super terrible. But it was pretty cold, and I had my hoodie on all day. And the Internet, as is common there, was pretty poor. Some people bailed on the evening game, so they canceled and I didn't do that.

Now I am in my car, and I've blasted the heater, so that should last a bit. I'm doing laundry, so that's good, as it's past due.

Hopefully it will be warmer tonight, as it's been super cold lately. And hopefully I can sleep well tonight, and tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3122 - 1/17 - Warming

Today started super cold. The car parts were frozen when I got up and once I was out of the covers my hands and feets started t get numb pretty quickly.

But now I'm at school and warming up and getting ready for one of the advanced classes I TA for. They shot a something last week, so we will probably be watching and talking about that. So that is good fun and good practice for me.

While it may be a bit for me to get fully warmed, things should be good today. With school back on hope is returned, and I try to hang on until better days.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2017
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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