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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 10: Wisp of Hope

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 475

Day 3319 - 8/2 - Seeking

Today I felt okish. My mind was looking for things to do. The connection at the library is fixed, so I can do whatever I want again.

I played a bit of the new old MMO. I was going to stop playing, as I'm waiting for something to happen that never will, but there is an event going for the next two weeks. So I may very casually continue during that time before giving up on it. I played a few games of the PvP game. But, bleh, the first was good, but the other three were just people bitching. It's like why are you bitching? You are in the lowest of like 7 or 8 ranks of players. Why do you expect people to be good in any sense of the word? So, I don't know, I'll likely uninstall that (for the second time) soon. I really should just stop doing any PvP things completely. I keep trying different ones to see if I find a fun one, but it never seems worth it. I'm either terrible at it, or just good enough that those in the group are always complaining about something.

So today my mind was really just searching. I distracted myself with shows, but in the back of my mind I was wondering what games I should distract myself with until the one I got for my birthday comes out in about 3.5 weeks.

I may do a bit of my old MMO until then. It's still sad to be there at times since I don't have the newest content, but it is o of the few stable things I have at the moment. So it's an odd bitter sweetness.

But despite being super depressed about all the things and unable to really do anything besides distract myself and do a job search and forum helping, today was ok. I was distracted. I had some aspects of fun. And nothing bad happened. So I continue to try and hang on. And I continue to hope for better days ahead.

Day 3320 - 8/3 - Forced triple feature

Today did not at all go as I'd planned, nor as I expected a day while homeless to go at all. I suppose it wasn't bad in the being negative sense of things. But something was going on with the library Internet connection. I expect something that is related to what was going on before. Since it was fixed pretty quickly Monday I figured I'd stick around and see if it came up. I waited and waited. I watched a movie, then found another and watched that. And waited. And then watched a third movie, and it still hadn't come up.

At about 6, a few hours before the library closed, I gave up and decided to go to the food store to at least have a few hours of connection. I raced through about half an hour of playing, quickly did forum things, and watched a bit of a live streamed show.

Hopefully things will be fixed tomorrow. Hopefully things will be closer to homeless normal. Today wasn't terrible, but without being able to do online things it certainly wasn't the day I expected. It wasn't a bad day, but I hope for better days ahead.

Day 3321 - 8/4 - Cold hot

Today was, I suppose, mostly normal. In the morning and afternoon things were cold. The skies have been pretty gray lately and what with the library blasting the AC I was cold most of the day. Now that the library is closed, and I'm out doing laundry, it seems the day eventually warmed up because it's now hot.

Even though it only happens every two or three weeks, it seems I'm always here at the laundry. I'm always putting too much in and not really getting totally clean. I suppose it's just extra sad lately because I never have enough. Even for my very small sad life I never feel like I have enough. It makes me look back at how I miss showering every day, putting on clean cloths, and sleeping in clean bed sheets.

But I have to try to keep adjusting. I have to try and make due with what little I have. And I try to look at the happy and good things that still remain in my life. If I don't, things will be too sad. So I try to hang on, try to not be too sad, and I hope for better days ahead.

Day 3322 - 8/5 - Wrong movie

Today went well enough, I suppose. I had a good connection, so I got to play what I wanted and watch what I wanted. Though one thing which was not firewall blocked appears to be blocked again. (I didn't do further testing.) It's possible with the recent reset of the servers a few things have become blocked again. I suppose what is blocked at the library isn't a big deal, as the one thing I confirmed is blocked again is one I don't really need there, as it's the service for my single player games, which I don't need to connect online to play. I just hope future online things I want to play aren't blocked.

I played the two things I'm still wondering why I play. The one just really isn't ever going to be what I really want. They have had five years to be more than they were, but haven't. The other, which is the PvP game, I still don't know. Maybe I would like it more if I had friends to play with, but without there are just too many people complaining all the time in groups.

I had set a movie in my reserve list at the library, but when I saw the cover it seemed familiar. It is the third in a series and apparently the only one I haven't seen is the fifth, which is still in theaters. So I guess that one will have to wait a bit longer before I see it.

Still, I suppose all in all it wasn't a bad day. I had my games and shows and wasn't too sad. Though I still worry about the sad things. But I try to stay hopeful, and hope for better days ahead.

Day 3323 - 8/6 - Silly game

Today was pretty fun. I had the every few week game and we had a lot of laughs. There was a lot of political stuff and not having a clear direction to go, neither of which are my things, but there was some fun role playing time, which I like. A few times I kind of broke the other people and they were laughing a lot.

I didn't do much other than that. In the time before, I just did forum stuff and played for less than an hour, and after I just watched a show.

But I suppose today was ok. I had fun and was distracted, but it was still difficult to keep my sad feelings and worries about bills coming soon at bay. Those are always in the back of my mind now and I am still sad grandma's money was burnt through so quickly. It was nice to have some regular food for those months though. Even on days like today where I can micro food my body can feel the huge difference between that and the lunchmeat I need to eat on days I can't. Though I have lately been doing fruit snacks and bread sometimes to break up the constant lunchmeat, so that's something. And I don't regret finding this group of people to play with every few weeks, nor my tablet, nor the car repairs. But all the other money lost trying to find friends with the random gaming groups which didn't pan out, things like eating an extra unplanned for meal, those I regret.

But I try to accept all the things. I try to focus on the happy things, like today, my games, and my shows. And I try to stay hopeful for better days ahead.

Day 3324 - 8/7 - Barely sleeping

Today I am completely exhausted. Last night, and Friday night, I barely slept. I think I am running on maybe 5 hours of sleep. Then and now I couldn't fall asleep until nearly 2 in the morning. I don't know if it's excitement about something to come which is good, or fear, or stress, or worry over bills.

I did what I wanted today. I was deep 'in the zone' of whatever I did. Not because I was intrigued, or extra focused, just that I lack the attention power right now to focus on more than one thing.

It felt weird being at school in the morning. It's finals week for the quarter. So this may be the last week I can get a real shower for a while. It certainly will be the last to micro food. If they do start closing the shower area during the week I'll check on Saturday. They often do swim classes after school is closed during the summer, so I'm going to wait and see how things turn out.

But I am exhausted. Really nothing matters to me now since nothing got better or worse today, and so for that I am thankful. And I continue to look forward to better days.

Day 3325 - 8/8 - Maybe a game thing

Today I am still very tired. I couldn't sleep until midnight again. I am still not sure why. It feels more like excited nervousness than fear or worry, but with all my fear of death lately it could just be a lesser variant of that.

Tonight I may check out a game meeting thing for the game I'm a forum MVP for. It's at a bar. I apparently don't have to buy anything, which is good since I don't have money, but if a lot drink and smoke it won't be my kind of thing. It's hard to be positive about possibilities while so exhausted, no money, and bad at the game.

But try to look forward to good things for the day. And try to stay hopeful for better days ahead.

Week 476

Day 3326 - 8/9 - Can't imagine it

Today I am very exhausted. Again I am losing sleep and feeling the effects. I may also have a cold. I've sneezed a few times and the past few days I've been a lot colder than usual. (Particularly considering others are still dressed as if it's very warm.)

Last night was meh. There are many negative things about being at a bar that I'd forgotten. It was a pretty tiny bar. Maybe less than a dozen showed up for the event and we probably would have filled the bar with just 3-4 times as many people. But there was music blasting the whole time. Not so loud it hurt my ears, but loud enough I could barely hear people literally two or three feet away. I barely talked to two of the people there because we had to shout, and even then we could barely hear each other. It seems the barkeep that was there was part of the group. So I don't see why he didn't turn the music way down, or off.

He did say one thing that... well, I guess you could say triggered some things. Someone asked if he'd gotten the expansion yet. (It comes out tomorrow.) And he replied, 'Yeah. I play pretty casually, but if I get 4 hours of entertainment out of it that's $50 well spent.' And that just boggles my mind on so many levels. First, I'd have to be making a ton of money to consider $50 on a game really worth it if it was even 40 hours of play. Closer to only 20-30 hours and that seems pricy. (For this expansion even as a game I play casually half an hour a day would likely hit 150 hours before the next expansion came out.)

But second, and more importantly, he said it so casually, like it really was not a big deal to drop $50. As I walked back to my car, I pondered that. I smelt half a dozen yummy foods I'd have liked to eat. And the last time I was in that part of town, maybe 25 years ago, we had come to do just that. We went there basically to blow money on nice food and looking around at the shops. But now, that life is so far gone, and I'm so far from even the recent life that I had, I can't even imagine being in a position to do that. I can't imagine what would have been a normal night on the town, going back home, hopping in the shower for a quick rinse before bed, and flopping my clean self into clean bed sheets.

I look to my life. I look at less than a week's worth of gas. I look at no money to sign up for classes that start at the end of September. I look at being alone on my birthday, homeless. I can't remember how many months it's been since I had a hamburger or other fast food. I ponder if there will be enough kind people out there I will actually have a birthday gift so I can have at least two games to last me who knows how many months, if not a year, before I can get the next. And I wonder if I ever did have a normal life before, or if I somehow only dreamed it.

I try to hang on to the happy memories of the before time. Memories now which are little more than faded visual images in my mind, small fragments of moments. I try to hope I can have something like that again someday. And I hope for better days ahead.

Day 3327 - 8/10 - Pain

Today I am in a lot of pain. They are levels an average person would find unbearable and would probably be crying, but for me it is on the high side of tolerable. Because I am used to pain. There have been few times in my life when I've not been in pain.

Today the pain is mostly coming from probably a combination of cavity and crack pain. Though I suppose technically a cavity is just a small hole or crack. But maybe a week or two ago a bit of a tooth, maybe a tenth of one side, became exposed. And on another tooth, maybe a tenth has become exposed. But with one it's in a spot where the pressure may be pushing it due to the other teeth, and the other is on a corner, so again, it's likely being pushed by other teeth.

When I was very young the dentist warned me my jaw would be too small for my teeth and wanted to remove something like two from the top and two from the bottom to make room. I don't believe in surgery unless it's life or death, so I refused. So maybe he was right. Almost constantly from my mid teens on my teeth have been tight. And several times a year when I'd hit a growth period, even when things were at their best, I'd feel a thumping in my jaw in places, sometimes for weeks.

So I've gotten used to the physical pain of it feeling like my jaw is smashing things. But today too part of it may be because I ate an apple. And hard foods (even hard bread) press things further and increases the smooshing feeling.

And too I was in a bit of pain emotionally. I guess it's nothing surprising, as it was to be expected in a way. The new expansion came out today. Since I play free I barely got any cards, and only one was a special one. Yet because I'm an MVP on the forum I was seeing several reports of people griping they only got 6-8 special things with their pre-orders, with others replying they'd seen upwards to 10.

I suppose today was a pretty good day though. I tried to have fun with what I do have. And I did have fun with what little I had today. And tomorrow hopefully my pains will subside and I will have better days ahead.

Day 3328 - 8/11 - Meh

Today was ok-ish, I guess. Things werent bad, though I was a bit cold at the library again, and there was still a lot of toothache. That will likely not subside for a week or two.

The connection was ok though, and I got to play what I wanted and watched what I wanted. I slept a bit more than I have been lately, but I am still nowhere near caught up enough to think clearly and be in a better mood. Though if I were I suppose there wouldn't really be much more to do, or many of the things I would like to do, even at low cost, are prevented by my sad things. (Primarily by lack of money, connections, or both.)

But I suppose it wasn't a bad day. And, outside of dropping my tablet a few feet and slightly breaking the corner of one of its protective cover's feet, nothing really bad happened today. (It looks like I can get it repaired when I get money for mailing.) So I try to focus on the good things I have. And I try to survive and stay hopeful until better days come.

Day 3329 - 8/12 - Meh again

Today was again meh. I played my new old MMO and part of me wants to wait a week and see the content I haven't seen before, as they are putting it back in. But part of me still just doesn't care. It's not going to be something I play regularly because it's lacking too much. And, they effectively said they hadn't changed it from the old game and there would be references to things which don't exist, which just seems like super lazy programming.

I also spent a few hours playing the PvP game. Part of me is getting more into it, even though I am still blocking/ignoring at least one person every game. Part of me does see the appeal of the sportyness of it. But being a team thing I don't know if I really care since I'd just be playing solo. I suppose I may continue to play until the end of the season in ranked and see what I get, if it was worth those rewards or not. And then I may continue until late October when I'll hopefully be playing the game I very much want to play. Though if I stay in ranked or not will depend on the rewards. And if the rewards are lacking enough I may just be influenced to stop entirely (again).

Speaking of that game, there was some super good news. There's a reported 80+ missions and the devs were saying it's taking them 50+ hours to get through them without repeating any. So that makes me super super happy. That was the thing that bothered me most about the first one, was that I was finished with the main content in about 10 hours. So this time there should be tons and tons of content.

Outside of playing not much happened. I spent a few hours watching things, but that was it. My mind actually wandered quite a bit. It thought it would be a nice day to start a new pen and paper game with new friends, probably because there is a new Sci-Fi game coming out that sounds interesting and there is a lot of news about it. My tummy wanted several dinners and snacks I would normally get on such a fun gaming night, but without the game, or friends, there seemed no point in getting any, even if I did decide to splurge.

But today my mind and heart still want things. They still look to the future. A future that isn't really impossible, only highly improbable at the moment. So I continue to hope for the future. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3330 - 8/13 - Complainers

Today was ok for the most part. During my time at the library I actually felt like playing my PvP game. Again I really felt like I should just stop. Today was an all time high record for people complaining and people I had to mute. The only stuff you can gain by playing is cosmetic, outside of new characters, which there are only a couple of I care about at all. Again I wonder if it's worth even continuing to play due to people arguing and complaining. I wonder now if I play because there is a chance to interact with people. Which is a bad reason, even on a subconscious level, as my regular (currently bittersweet so I don't play often) MMO would be a much better place for that.

But it was a nice day. Nothing bad happened that was new, though I was extra sad about not being able to shower normally as I would in a home. Today I was a touch stinky and noticed a few times during the day.

But I suppose overall today wasn't too bad. I felt mostly ok, but I still look forward to better days ahead.

Day 3331 - 8/14 - Cold shower

Today was ok, but it certainly had a few low points. The first low was my shower at school. Surprisingly there were a ton of cars compared to what I expected. I'd say there was maybe 15% of what there was a few weeks back when school was in session. I actually saw someone I knew. She said she was there for some kind of placement test or something. So maybe there are placement things and transfer stuff going on. If that's the case things will likely change by next week.

The next low point was the PvP game. While I expect some abuse it was again pretty high. People complaining. People complaining about the people complaining. It was pretty bad. So that is a huge step towards not playing (again). I currently have an experience booster thing for a few more days, then I think the season ends at the end of the month, but I will likely stop playing so much soon. It really seems less and less worth it each time. I keep playing because I keep hoping things will get better. I keep thinking players will work together and be positive. Yet it seems like every time that doesn't happen.

And while I was pretty distracted during the day, after the library closed I thought about how I felt sad, and how I was one of the last to leave. And I thought with a normal life I can hopefully still have 40 years, but thought what if it's only 20, or 10, and started to panic. I managed to stop before I started to spiral out of control, but I still feel sad and my heart still feels quivery and unsure.

But I try to hang on to what is good. I try to stay hopeful for recovery, and a life that is better than before. And I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 3332 - 8/15 - Less than a week

Today I felt kind of sad, but pretty excited about my birthday in less than a week. I don't really know why. There is the present I got myself, but that's it. I expect there will be well-wishing on the social page, and the person who usually gets me a something may get me a something, but I expect nothing.

I suppose it is the hope of something. There are things I have to look forward to. Things, while running out, are currently balanced-ish. It's warm most days. Maybe part of it is that I've seen a lot of cute and beautiful girls lately, even one just now this morning, so that always gives me hope. I guess, besides worry of money and the things I have running out, today should be an ok day.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2017
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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