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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 10: Wisp of Hope

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 501

Day 3501 - 1/31 - Spider

Today my tummy very much wanted a hamburger. The ones at the school cafeteria are super yummy, and at only $7 you get a bunch of fries too. It's actually better, and more food, than the two local restaurants I've had hamburgers at. I smelled them as I went to make lunch, and then again at dinner. And after lunch, and after dinner, people were walking around with some. But I don't have any money. Besides the one I got with the gift card I think it's been probably six months since I had one.

I did a very nice thing today though. I was sitting in my usual spot, and out of the corner of my eye I saw a 1" big spider making their way up the wall. I didn't want to hurt the spider. Though scary to me, I'm sure they didn't intend to be. But I scooped up the spider into a small box and carried them out and up the stairs to the plants. Hopefully they will live a nice life outside. It's a lot colder than inside. But there aren't any spider foods inside at all. They would have starved inside in just a couple of days I'm sure. So hopefully by now they have anew happy home with lots of foods.

I guess today was ok. A lady asked for my help then got all upset at me for not helping. Well, gee, maybe if you hadn't spent more than 5 minutes not letting me look at the thing you asked for help with before you rage quit maybe I could have figured out what was going on. But other than that things seemed like I helped. There were some on the social page I helped or reassured. So there is that. Not a bit impact globally, but it made a difference to those people for sure.

But as sad as my tummy was today, and me overall emotionally, I continue on. And I continue to hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 3502 - 2/1 - Bright moons guide me

Today I felt a bit sick again. I'm so very tired, hungry, and sneezing. I'm having a lot of trouble getting to sleep lately too.

I started the day very positive and feeling like I had energy and was going to do character planning, but by the time I got to lunch I'd become so exhausted my eyes were half closed and I couldnt even focus on just watching a show, let alone anything more.

The stupid fix it ticket finally came. Glancing at it, it does appear it will 'only' be $25. And I have until the end of March to pay, which it looked like I could just send it to them with a check with proof of fixing it, so that's good. I just need to get the $25. And ideally this month, so I don't have to worry about them doing anything like verifying my insurance and it not being there. But I get the money when I get the money. I'll need help for that.

Someone mentioned there is moon stuff going on. I glanced up as I was leaving campus for the night and it was bright and beautiful. But with my sad life a quick glance was all I could get. I no longer have a back yard to go spend time just being out among the stars at night.

But, exhaustion aside, I suppose today was ok. I have enough food for the moment. I can still be at school. And I continue on for another day. So, for now, I continue to stay hopeful that help will come, and that I can hang on until better days.

Day 3503 - 2/2 - Paw

I got some bad news researching my paw. I've talked before about how the right toes seem to be at like a 30 degree angle, and I researched that a bit more. Apparently at 30 people's foot bones start to degenerate in some people, and as part of that they can be sensitive to shoes. Supposedly the big toe can create a cushion, which is common, which pushes the big toe to the side, pushing other toes too. Aparenly 10-15 degrees isn't uncommon, and more than 20 can be bad. However, I don't have any of the symptoms of things being bad, such as the joint swelling, having pain, or loss of range of motion, so this may be part of a related degradation of the area due to walking slightly sideways. Apparently this can be fixed with corrective shoes, or prolonged periods of not wearing shoes, which is what my life once was when I was in a home and didn't need to go out much.

So I feel very sad and broken today, as this may have degenerated to a point of not being fixable without surgery, and it may continue to get worse as my sad life continues to take a toll.

Day 3504 - 2/3 - Feeling unwelcome

Yesterday and today I've felt unwelcome where I've been. Not by anything people have done or said, but just in an overall sense. It's a hard feeling to describe, as I haven't felt pushed out or like I couldnt be there. I just haven't felt 'welcome', like when you visit friends and they are happy to see you and 'welcome you in', or like when you come home after being out.

I guess that makes sense, as I've been in public places. I can't remember the last time I had private space. I mean, sure, it would have been just before my sad story began. And maybe it's just I'm feeling homesick again, with the combination that I'm at my worst point ever, with not even $10 to spare to do things like replace my headphones or get back on medication for blood pressure and cholesterol.

I don't know how to describe the feeling. I guess it's just a layer of extreme depression. But I feel alone, unwanted, and like the wrong kind of eyes are watching me.

Of course not being recognized doesn't help either. I know sometimes things I say on the social pages help, but often what I say isn't acknowledged, and it's been years since the company I post on the forums for has said or done anything for me.

So I guess overall I just feel extremely depressed. And I worry, as there are such small things I need help with, yet seem to be getting help so rarely. And it seems none of those success story opportunities seem to be coming my way. As always, it seems my path is different, and I am an outsider.

But I try to hang on. I try to stay hopeful. I know there are those out there who do keep an eye out and help when they can. So I continue to hope help comes. And I continue to try to hang on as best as I can.

Day 3505 - 2/4 - Not sportball

Today was mostly better. It was warm and spring-like, almost even to the point of being shorts weather. So that, I think, helped put me into a much better mood than I would otherwise have been. Overall I am still pretty worried and sad about money, so it was an odd mix.

There was again no bandwidth at the library, so I really just spent my time on social pages and watching game videos. I've been looking at one in particular everyone is raving about. It looks ok, probably not for me, and with most of only one game in gift money I have to be very careful what I spend that on.

I was pretty down about things in general, probably with stupid extra car things I need money for and not having any. But with the warm weather I felt a bit better and hopeful that warmer and better days are still ahead.

Day 3506 - 2/5 - Bunny of wisdom

Today I could not stop thinking about my troubles with money. And all day my tummy wanted micro foods. In the morning I smelt breakfast foods, and in the afternoon and evening I smelt hamburger and other yummy foods. And after I parked my car for the night I smelt a very yummy spicy something someone was making. It would have been so nice to be able to buy even a small freshly cooked food, but I only have $1 in my account.

But things were a bit better emotionally. On the social page someone thanked me for some advice I gave and she mentioned whenever she sees me she thinks of me as 'the bunny of wisdom' (because I have a cute baby bunny avatar). She said she always finds my comments to people insightful and helpful, so that was nice.

Someone else said thanks, as I've talked to him about boots a few times. I talked about the brand and a few good and bad features of different boots.

And I sent in some stuff for a contest and the person said they loved them and hoped I'd send more, so that was nice too.

So, despite my constant worry about money that I couldn't get out of my head, and my sad tummy hungry for all the nice cooked food at the cafeteria I couldn't eat, I suppose it was a good day. So, for the moment I try to stay hopeful. I try to stay positive. I hope help comes. And I try to hang on.

Day 3507 - 2/6 - Food

Today I am already worrying a lot. I can't get the car bills out of my head. I hope help comes to take care of them because it's getting to the point I am constantly worrying about them.

Today is the cycle day for my food money, so I have a touch extra food. Hopefully that will help me catch up, get better rest at night, and recover from my cold. I'm still congested and sneezing quite a lot.

But the day is just starting. It's morning and I haven't even set up my laptop yet. I have something I need to do for class in the afternoon, and another meeting for a class in the evening, so there's that. But hopefully I can stop worrying about my bills and get the chance to rest and relax at least a little. All I can do is hope help comes, hope opportunity comes, and hope I can hang on until better days.

Week 502

Day 3508 - 2/7 - Fries are not a food

Today was very different. My ex-roomie got back to me about another visit, so I went over and spent a few hours there. I got to do three laundries and get all caught up again. I said hi to the kitties which was nice. I decided to see if she wanted to share foods, so I cooked real foods. I got some steak to make sandwiches, and fries to eat with them. Apparently fries are not considered a food I can have with my food stamp card. Which, I guess, makes sense since most of the people who have cards would have families and younglings. Though it seems odd that microwave food, chips, and compete junk like cookies, are all ok while frozen fries aren't. I still had a tiny bit of money on my gift card, but I had to use a couple of dollars of real money.

I only spent a few hours at school, so spending the rest where I could cook and do what otherwise would have been about $15 in laundry (free) was quite unusual. I feel disconnected, between the me that is and the me that was. I don't know if I feel better or worse. I am not leaving the living room to go back to my room. I am leaving the living room and going back to my homeless life.

I suppose in the morning when I've slept, done my morning routine, and settled back in on campus things will probably feel more like my usual homeless self. Certainly by afternoon I'm sure. But for right now, I feel between, in neither space.

I suppose that is good. But since only laundry has really changed, I continue to hope help comes. And I hope I can hang on until better days.

Day 3509 - 2/8 - Connected, but separate

Today I still feel a bit strange. It doesn't help that today again, still for seemingly no reason, my eyes refused to focus on my laptop. It's like something about sitting at my laptop is forcing my body to just shut down. I feel like I'm just going to pass out. I'm sure it's just an insane level of exhaustion so far into an exhausted state my body can't even recognize anything close to normal anymore.

I guess the day was ok though. I had enough food. I played and had fun for a bit. I did a project for class tomorrow. So I did the things that needed doing and what I basically planned to do. It's just I continually feel like on a 1 to 10 scale of actually asleep to super excited awake and alert I can never get above about a two or three. I've never been drunk, but this inability to think or focus must be what that's like.

But today is mostly done, certainly all of the not hiding part. So hopefully I can get to sleep soon, sleep well, and maybe recover, if even just a little. and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3510 - 2/9 - Warm day

Today was better than I'd expected. I had my test for class, which was super hard and I probably did bad, but it's mostly project grades, so I'm sure I'll be fine overall.

When I got lunch, and even later at dinner, it was pretty warm. It's almost shorts weather. The morning and evening get pretty cold still, but things are warming up.

I've been thinking of death a lot again lately. Mostly due to external triggers more than internal. I find myself looking at unhealthy people at school, mostly bigger people, and I think about how I'm out of shape and I'm only a fraction of their size. I wonder how they can't worry about that, how they can not worry it may greatly impact their lifespan. But then, mostly they are twentysomethings, so that's likely why.

But I try to put the bad and sad things out of my mind. I try not to count the days I have remaining. I try to focus on what I do have, and what I may yet still have in the future. And I try to continue to hope for better days ahead.

Day 3511 - 2/10 - Feel ok

Today I am feeling ok. I got to sleep in for a bit, which was good. And I decided not to fixate or worry about the homeless at the library who bother me. But the library bandwidth continues to decline. It was barely connected at all. I tried to play a game, and barely got to watch a show. I managed to stay alert most of the day too, which is rare these days.

I did manage to not think too much about death today, though thoughts and worry about the bill things as always a small rumble in the back of my mind. Unfortunately I probably won't stop worrying about that, particularly with no income.

But I try to stay hopeful help will come. And I try to hope I can hang on until better days.

Day 3512 - 2/11 - Zero bandwidth

Today was pretty sad. I played for just a bit at the food store in the morning, but after that I had zero bandwidth at the library. In a test it showed literally about 1% of the speed it should have. It was taking five minutes to respond to anything, if it responded at all.

Thankfully two movies and a series were set aside for me today, so I just did offline stuff watching that. But it wasn't really what I'd hoped for or planned for the day.

Someday I can hopefully go back to being able to do what I hope or planned for a day. Maybe even have full control of things like temperature and volume of things around me as well. Even just being able to sleep when I want and cook and eat as a normal person again would be a huge boon.

Until then I will try to enjoy watching my shows and movies, try and distract myself with games I can play, and hopefully I can hang on. Hopefully help will come and I can pay for the things I need. And hopefully I can hang on to hope long enough to make it to forever better days.

Day 3513 - 2/12 - New like

Today was both good and bad. It was good in that I felt emotionally ok in most ways. I had a quick job check; nothing there which is why I don't usually bother talking about it anymore. And then after I spent the rest of the day playing and watching shows. And I mean all the rest of the day, as compared to what seems like for weeks now where that was only 25% of the rest of the day and the rest I'm just dead tired or too depressed to do anything.

But it was also bad emotionally in that no new help came and I have several timers ticking down every day and I don't know how I'll be able to pay any of them without help.

I got quite the surprise today though. Someone "liked" my page. That hasn't happed in forever. I couldn't see who it was though. For some reason that's hidden information now. It used to be I could see the list. Now I don't know who they are unless they post something, which really no one does.

The cold is back too, which is very sad. For a while it was nearly shorts weather, now I've had to put back on my undershirt layer and am worried that I may need to put my long underwear back on too.

But for now I just try to hang on. I continue to hope more help comes so I can pay for things, maybe even someday get the $10 'extra' to get back on my blood pressure and cholesterol meds. But it seems all I can do is continue to hope. And hopefully I can continue to hang on until help comes and I can have better days.

Day 3514 - 2/13 - Sneezy cold, again

Today emotionally I feel hopeful. It's probably in part because the day is just starting, and maybe in part because there was happy music at the food store.

There is a lot to be sad about though. I'm sneezing quite a bit, so I probably caught yet another cold by being at the library over the weekend again. My ear bud headphones seem to be dying. There is a distortion crackle that comes up now and then. My gaming headphones are still waiting in the trunk for the $10 to mail them back. (Which the RMA expires in two weeks.) And as often lately I feel very fat and out of shape. It feels like I've gained 10-15 pounds since I went off the blood pressure and cholesterol meds. I can't be sure though as I don't easily have access to a scale.

But since the day is just starting I will choose to try and stay hopeful and positive. Hopefully I will warm up soon and have an ok time with my day. Hopefully help will come to take care of some things. And hopefully I can hang on long enough to make it to forever better days.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2018
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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