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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 10: Wisp of Hope

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 499

Day 3487 - 1/17 - Sort of working

Today I was completely exhausted. I am still not caught up on sleep, not even close. I suppose the day was ok though, as I did have a bit of fun. And, more importantly, my site is sort of fixed. I can update it in one of my two ways. So I still have to figure out why the normal software for it isn't working, but at least there won't be worry it will work.

I'm so very tired I can't think straight. I am jumping at everything and very rapidly get upset at things. Hopefully soon I can sleep well and at least get slightly caught up. I don't know how much longer I can run on so little sleep and energy.

But I try to hang on. And I try to hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 3488 - 1/18 - The beautiful girl

Today I was completely exhausted. It was strange in that I was fine when I got to school, and up until lunch I felt ok and had more energy levels and seemed like I would retain focus. But quickly as I had lunch, and by the early afternoon for sure, I dropped to almost no energy. And my eyes had become so tired and almost closed and I couldn't focus at all.

There was one unexpected surprise. In the mid afternoon a very beautiful girl said hi. I said hi back, in an awkward 'I don't recognize you' way. In the three years I've TAed a lot have come through, and the last was more than a year ago. She was curious what I was doing, and she said she saw me there all the time. I immediately felt ashamed of my life, how terrible of shape I'm in, my cloths not being fresh, and everything else. I was not ready to have a beautiful girl near me, let alone paying any kind of attention to me. I expect I'll see her again, at least on Tuesday and Thursday, but she seemed to imply she was around more often. I'll be very surprised if anything comes of her saying hello, especially since she approached me without reason. (In comparison to her knowing I was a helper/TA or knowing someone who knew me already.)

But I made it through the day. I am so very exhausted. Hopefully I can get some sleep. I've been losing a lot lately. It's raining, so there is a bit of extra cover, so there's that. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3489 - 1/19 - Rain and exhaustion

Today I was still very exhausted. I had class, so that was pretty distracting. But as always lately I was so exhausted I would have preferred a life in a home where I could just take the day off, slept as much as my body needed, and then occupied my day with multiple different things to help keep my focus. I still felt like most of my day I would pass out from exhaustion, and my eyes had difficulty staying open and focusing.

I'm glad I got the new pen and paper rulebook for Xmas. I've lately been pondering characters and builds. I may never play them. I can't really find a game in my current situation. But it has been quite a positive distraction. And I've had a new social group online who seem like good people (who are for that game). I've asked some questions and they have been helpful. Maybe in better days I could find an online group through them.

But for now I try to hang on, and I hope for better days.

Day 3490 - 1/20 - Over quickly

Today was over very quickly. I was very very tired. I did morning stuff and by the time it was barely noon the library connection was too slow to play on. I did some work on my characters for the Xmas role playing game I got, and watched a few shows. The day was barely over before it began, with it only feeling like early afternoon by the time it closed.

My being extremely depressed lately didn't help. With feeling sad and having little to look forward to my brain is easily distracted and can't focus on hardly anything. I suppose, in a way, that's better for passing the time. But I'd prefer to be in a home with regular options, and regular things to occupy my time with.

I suppose the day was ok though. It wasn't worse, though we draw ever closer to needing money where there is none in the bank. So I continue to be very worried. But I try to hang on. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3491 - 1/21 - Sad spill

Today was a bit extra sad. I am very tired still. I still feel at the point of exhaustion. I was, in fact, so tired I was not paying attention. I had set my drink, open, in front of my laptop, as I was having a snack while doing a bit of character stuff. When I went to reach over the snack to type I knocked into the drink and spilled on the keyboard. I quickly saved things and shut down for about 30 minutes, figuring it would be enough. When I restarted and tried to start up the keys were typing random junk when pressed. I shut down for another 30 minutes and tried again. Then the library was closing. I'd lost more than two hours before it closed.

I guess it wasn't really terrible. Bandwidth had gotten bad to the point of having almost none at all, so I just watched shows in the remaining time I had. It's closing time now, but this is the second spill. It should be fine, it seems on the way to recovering, but what if it doesn't.

I worried all day about bills. I'm very low on gas again and barely have any money to get more. And, as always, we are another day closer to needing to pay another insurance. Which with my account being empty I have no money for anything. So things seem ever more worrisome.

But in a while when I try and sleep I will hope things are better in the morning, both for my laptop and me.

Day 3492 - 1/22 - Still gibberish

Today things are still not great. My laptop is mostly recovered, but enough keys come out as gibberish I can't type as normal, which prevents a lot of activities. Even gaming which uses limited keys is very difficult. I saw some stuff online that said you should unplug the laptop and remove the battery when you have a spill, and let it dry for as much as two days before turning it on again. So hopefully it isn't permanently damaged and will continue to get better. I swiped a keyboard for a bit to do this typing, but my options are limited with it not working correclty.

I am still so tired I can't think or focus, and my eyes are still more than half closed most of the time. I hope to get better. I hope my laptop gets better. I hope my nightmare ends soon and I can make it to my forever better days.

Day 3493 - 1/23 - Sick again

Today I am feeling sick again. My lungs and nose are horribly congested, my tummy feels upset and icky, and I've had a headache since yesterday afternoon. Feeling my head, I feel a bit feverish.

(Edit) Having started my laptop and typing this in, things seem normal again save for the upper left corner where the first few numbers and tab are being a bit sticky. So hopefully typing is back to normal and I can maybe just clean out some stickiness later.

I hope my keyboard is better and my laptop is fine (it's a touch slower to shut down and start up, but that might have been a small update.) I hope I get better physically. I hope I feel better emotionally soon. I hope there are those out there who care about me and can send donation help. And I hope I can continue and live on to see better days.

Week 500

Day 3494 - 1/24 - Sticky, kaput

Today was ok I suppose. I'm still really sick. But, I've discovered if, every 1.5 hours or so, I look up and away from my laptop, more-so if I get up and walk around (more than just 20 feet to the bathroom and back) there seems to be a much reduced chance that my eyes will get sleepy and just stay closed. I don't know if that is a physical focus thing, a blood flow thing, or my brain just getting bored since my activities are predictable. My eye doc told me years ago every 15 minutes or so to look away from my monitor, but I never remember to do that.

My laptop seems mostly better from the spill. I took some keys off and tried to clear things out a bit more. I'm not sure it helped though. The F, R, 3, and 7 are still fairly sticky. Not so bad they are totally unusable or misfiring, but enough that I can't quite type as quick.

It seems another minor disaster has happened. I went to the bathroom at one point and upon putting my headphones back on after getting back there was a crackle in the ears. That's not entirely unusual, as the wires are getting sensitive. But a few minutes later the right speaker went out completely. After about 5 minutes of fussing to try and move the cord into a position to get it back, the left side went out as well. The main part still worked, as plugging in my ear-buds I could still change the volume on that controller. But the headset itself seemed entirely dead, and it was still dead testing it on my tablet. Looking it up online it seems it should be under a 2 year policy, and I only purchased them about 1.3 years ago, so I'm still very much within that period. Even if I only needed to pay like $10 for shipping I don't have it. I guess I'll hear back in a few days on how the RMA will work and what I do or don't need to pay for.

Checking the ex-storage it seems my old wireless headphones are still where I left them. They are charging a bit now. I do recall the spine on them is so broken they were practically falling off at all times when I last used them, but that would be way better than my ear buds. Even at just 40% volume (a quiet/normal level for those) using them today they were crackling a bit under the strain. So I'd rather not push those.

So, a bit more sadness today. And still no donations or good news, so things seem extra bad and sad. At least it's raining, which I do always like, as it seems soothing. And in my sad life it does get me some extra cover from being discovered, so there is that. But it seems, as usual, all I can do is hope things get better, hope people send help, and hope I can hang on until better days.

Day 3495 - 1/25 - Extreme need

Today I was very depressed. My gas is getting extremely critical. I have class in the morning, so I will still drive to school and shower, as I caught a whiff of pretty stinky pants and socks today. But, after that, without getting at least a little help I'm going to have to abandon the car and be on foot and only move it maybe once a week.

I really hope help comes. Not only do I need to keep my car moving so I don't walk, but because I need to keep mobile to disguise the fact that I'm homeless.

I will try again to put out an emergency call on the social pages in the morning, but it seems like few to none are responding to that. All I can do is try. And hope there are kind caring souls out there that can help. And hopefully I can continue to hang on, one day at a time.

Day 3496 - 1/26 - Feverish

Today I feel bad emotionally. For most of the day I've had a pretty bad headache. Checking my forehead I feel kind of feverish still. My tummy is very icky and acidic lately too.

I put out another call for help on the social site and quite a few have seen the post so far. Two sent help, so at least I don't have to worry about my car for a while. I'll get a couple of weeks of gas tomorrow and save the rest for later. Hopefully more will come and I can pay the February insurance.

I'm cold and exhausted. But I am trying to hold on emotionally. And hopefully help will continue to come, and I can make it to better days; financially, physically, and emotionally.

Day 3497 - 1/27 - Like I don't belong

Today was pretty weird. It actually started out good. Because I can still have gas for my car I got to sleep in a touch. I went to the food store, got foods, and on my way to the library I was practicing a silly character voice for a character I will hopefully get to play one day. In the start of my time at the library I theorycrafted some character stuff, and did some creative work for the characters, something I haven't felt in a good enough mood to do for probably 6 or more months.

But after lunch things turned. I don't know if it was due to the drop in bandwidth to nearly nothing (altering my plans for the rest of the day), a few keys still sticking on my laptop, a sad event on a social page, or a combination of everything, but then and even now hours later I again feel homesick and heartbroken. And, more importantly, I feel like I don't belong in a regular world anymore. It's like everything I did, everything I saw, and everything I thought, reminded me how far I've fallen. And it made me feel like everyone is just passing by and I am left alone and broken, and hat I will never be able to recover.

But I know that isn't true. There are the people who watch out for me who sent help or gifts a month ago at Xmas. And there were two who sent help when I made my emergency post yesterday.

So, as hurt as I feel, as much as I am on the verge of tears as I write, I have to stay hopeful. I hope to keep feeling that opportunity will come and I can hang on long enough to make it back to a regular life and that this will not be the end of my story.

Day 3498 - 1/28 - Not so fancy

Today was both good and bad. It was bad in that the library, and the food store, had no bandwidth at all. It was ok though, as I did other character stuff.

Emotionally other than that today was pretty good. I felt ok, though very worried about all the things. In the late afternoon I got a donation from an online friend. So that is super good as it's enough to cover car insurance. In a day or two that will clear and be covered.

I decided to get a fancier dinner with some of my turkey weekend gift card monies. It was... ok. Certainly not as high quality as I expected for how much of the gift card money it took.

But I suppose I made it through today. My tomorrows will still be a struggle, but for the moment there is a lot more hope from those who helped. Hopefully help will continue to come in times of need, and I can continue to hang on until better days.

Day 3499 - 1/29 - Okish

Today was okish. I was still pretty down, though I'm also still pretty sick. It also doesn't help that I didn't fall asleep until nearly 2 last night for no apparent reason.

I guess overall though as far as days go it was ok. I played my game for just a tiny bit. I watched a few shows. And I talked a bit on the social pages. A few even said hi to me who I haven't seen in a while at school. (Though the beautiful girl has passed by me twice now and not said anything since that first time.)

For the moment I continue on. I try to look ahead to possible futures, and look past the shortcomings of today. And I try to hang on until better days.

Day 3500 - 1/30 - Hopeful

Today is just starting. I'm congested and sneezing, but despite not sleeping until nearly 1 I feel ok, and maybe even a bit hopeful. I don't expect anything really unusual to happen today, but things seem positive. I suppose it's because my immediate gas needs and (soon) insurance will be covered, and in theory I have a day of play ahead of me after my daily job searching. I have clean cloths too, really the last of it. It will be almost impossible to go longer than maybe next week, even if I push it with dirty cloths. But there is enough for laundry if need be (I hope the ex-roomie will offer again, but it seems unlikely.)

So things seem ok so far, and I hope the rest of the day is ok too. For the moment I continue to hang on and continue to hope for better days.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2018
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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