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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 10: Wisp of Hope

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 477

Day 3333 - 8/16 - Well rested?

Today I feel weird. In the morning when I got up I felt, I guess, well rested. But I also felt like I hadn't slept yet. Which is strange, as I very distinctly remember some of my dreams. (Including an extra nice part where I was kissing a girl. )

Most of the morning and afternoon that awake feeling continued. I saw another beautiful girl who made my heart race, so I am hoping these are reminders from Fate and Destiny that it is not too late. I do still feel. I do still live. And so maybe someday I can love again and have friends.

I played the new old MMO which finally released content I hadn't yet seen. But I wasn't more than about two missions in before I felt like I really didn't care. One I did was boring. I was nearly falling asleep. And the next had this really stupid jumping puzzle where I died half a dozen times before finishing. I really expect to uninstall it when I've finished this area.

I did some research on what reward I should expect from the PvP ranked stuff I've done. Basically it's jack squat. It will be the equivalent of about three matches of a daily quest. So I don't know if that is worth continuing. I tried playing a different mode and just no one knew what they were doing, which is terrible for a competitive game. So, with rally nothing to gain I'll likely uninstall it (again) soon. Or at least set it aside and not play nearly as much.

I did get a nice early birthday present from someone. He basically sent monies that cover the game I got. (It's more complicated than that, but that's the easy explanation.) So in a week or two I'll have a bit for gas, laundry, and a teeny bit for later. I'd love to get another birthday game with it, but sadly when that money comes it really will be all I have. (I'll recycle Saturday, but I'll be surprised if my full load is worth more than $15.)

In the later afternoon though I started crashing hard. I again could barely keep my eyes open, and what energy and momentum I had was lost and I was back to barely being able to focus. But I guess it's ok, because I don't have to.

So today overall was a pretty good days. Yet still, there is so much sad. But I try to hang on. And I try to continue to look ahead to better days.

Day 3334 - 8/17 - Warm shower

Today was, I suppose, good. It started with a warm shower. I was surprised because I expected it to be cold like it was Monday.

After that I did some forum stuff, and then basically played all day. I didn't really feel like watching stuff. Again though today was like yesterday. I started feeling refreshed, but like I'd not slept. And by the early afternoon I was crashing hard. I thought it was 6 or 7 when it was only about 3.

Again I mostly played my PvP game. And people were griping and complaining. It's weird because I don't really have anything to gain and I want to do something that does. I guess part of it is I don't really have a game that does right now. And real life things, like writing or art, well, no one seems to care about my writing. And art would take resources and a commitment I can't make at this time in my life.

I guess I play because it's fun-ish. And before there were MMOs, before achievements existed, you played a thing just to have fun in the moment. When the game was over, that was it. So I guess in a way my brain thinks about it like that; was it fun in the moment? And sometimes the answer is yes.

I still feel lost most of the time. I feel like there is a monster behind me and someone is telling me that and I refuse to turn around because if I don't it doesn't exist. And too I feel lost; adrift. Yet I accept what I do have and try to have fun because I know to not would be worse. To not I would be panicking and crying uncontrollably all the time.

So I try to hang on. And I try to continue hoping tomorrow is a better day.

Day 3335 - 8/18 - Reduced desire

Today was mostly ok I guess. I had a greatly reduced desire to play the games that I question why I play. I think the PvP one is something I'm doing just to pass the time. The people are really almost all asses and it's just not worth it. And the new old MMO has really made me not care lately. The last play experience the play of the game was terrible and just not worth suffering through to see the story. That, and the loot system doesn't even exist, so I don't care about skills really at all.

Besides that the day was pretty good. Nothing good happened, but nothing bad either. I did my podcast in the morning and that put the birthday game at the front of my mind. And I know I'll have a ton of fun with that for quite a while to come.

So again I try to hang on to the good things. And I hope better days come soon.

Day 3336 - 8/19 - Birthday present

Today was mostly ok. There was some sadness at the start of the day though. I checked on the game code that I previously pre-ordered and the person said the company probably wouldn't have it until launch day. Which means I won't get to pre-load the game. Which means I'll have to plan around my days, as the library firewall blocks that service and it can't just load in the background while I'm there. And that could take days with my current limitations. I do very much appreciate the gift. And long-term, even probably just a month from now this won't matter, but today... it feels sad.

In positive news the person who I figured would send a something sent a suuuper big something. So not only will it be enough to pre-order my game coming in late October that I'm very much looking forward to, but maybe something else too since I apparently have some more from dad on the way. Sadly that something will likely have to be saving for school next quarter, instead of something 'fun' for my birthday. But we'll see. I try not to focus too much on unknowns and things I can't control these days.

I didn't play very much. The two games I don't know why I'm playing are losing their hold on me. So while they are, I suppose ok to just waste time with, I probably will stop playing soon and focus on other things. I absolutely will next week when the birthday expansion game comes out for sure.

So I try to focus on the good of today. The positive things. Not the temporary negative. And I try to push the long-term negatives out of my mind, as I can't control those. Maybe if there is extra I can do something like spend $8 on a fancy dinner tomorrow and get cooked food. I'll have to see how I feel emotionally. But for today I try to hang on. And I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 3337 - 8/20 - OK B-day so far

Today, so far, has been pretty good. I was pretty sleepy, but not too bad. There was a lot of well-wishing on the social page for my b-day, and a few unexpected gift monies. I should have plenty for my important game coming in October, signing up for classes next quarter, and maybe even a smaller extra birthday game thing. I'll have to double check how my monies look after it's all gathered into one pile.

I played a little today, but not a lot. Again the games I've been playing that I just feel meh about are losing their grip.

I did get an extra treat for myself. Geek and Sundry have a special site (Alpha) where they put shows. I got a preview of Dread and it was so good. So I signed up for a month, which is free. I'll have to cancel after that month, but Dread, as far as I know, was just a short run thing, so I'll be able to see it all during that preview time.

Since I had monies I'm doing laundry. Sadly it's too much to not do two loads, but things will be super clean. And at least for another month I'll be changing less frequently since I'm just in the library and changing every other day isn't as important. (Though I'll still change under things that often.) I have two movies to watch after that, and I'll spend a little getting a cooked dinner. I apparently haven't been to the place I'm going since January, which is crazy.

So today has been pretty good so far. There are still about 5 hours before I will try to sleep, but hopefully everything will be calm and fine. And hopefully better days will continue in the future.

Day 3338 - 8/21 - Hot and stinky

Today has been hot and stinky. In the morning when I went to shower I was pleasantly surprised by things both being open and the water being hot. However, the entire locker room area and surrounding hallways were hot and smelt like wet socks. It seemed there was no airflow. I don't know if the vents were off on purpose or broken. There was evidence of people showering after a practice, so I'd think it wouldn't have been turned off on purpose.

After, I settled in to the library for a regular homeless day. When I came up from an early dinner after going downstairs I noticed how completely hot and stuffy the upstairs area was. And, it smelt like a hot house that a wet fluffy dog had walked in to. I reached down to the grill that is near my feet in that spot, and indeed there was no cooling, and no airflow. I could hear the sound of slow vents above, but I guess the primary vents were broken.

I guess the day was pretty good besides that. I played a little bit and watched some shows. The connection got almost completely unusable from about 3-6, but that happens sometimes when they are at their fullest.

I did decide to check the blocked connection though; the one my birthday pre-ordered expansion is on. To my surprise it is not firewall blocked (again). So, phew. There will be no delay due to that and I can unlock it as soon as I get the code. I may still miss a pre-load window, but with it not firewalled that's easily done during the day since Monday through Thursday I have 11 hours a day there.

And I got some surprise gifts at the ex-house. There were some sweats, which my current ones are all torn up, and a surprise bunny. He was a total surprise as he wasn't on my list. I didn't know you could add things to gifts that weren't on the list.

So today was a pretty good day despite a few short comings. And tomorrow should hopefully be too. I've got monies to sign up for classes, get an extra birthday thing (probably the expansion to my MMO that I've been missing since it launched), and still have extra for whatever for a while. Though I always hope for days I am no longer homeless, tomorrow should be a good day.

Super cute surprise birthday bunny

Day 3339 - 8/22 - Rough time sleeping

Today I am feeling pretty tired. I didn't sleep until nearly 1. And in previous nights I've not slept until 2 or 3. I think it's just worry; about me, about my future, and if I will have one.

I try to push the shadows of sadness of my night and bad dreams away as I start the new day, for each start is a new beginning. I have about 1.25 hours before I head over to the library and officially start things. But here at the food store maybe I'll partly start with posting this, forum things, and social page stuff.

I'm tired. I'm hungry. I'm sad. But the day is not yet started. I have foods to eat. The day should be restful. And hopefully today will be a good day.

Week 478

Day 3340 - 8/23 - Thumpity thump

Today I am worried about my heart. I am sneezing, so I probably have a cold. But what worries me is that on medium distance walks my heart is going thumpity thump and staying at elevated rates for longer than normal. I suppose it is a very strong stable beat, and it does calm down without too much of a fuss, but still, it worries me.

Today wasn't super different. I got sick of the PvP game after only three matches instead of doing what would have otherwise been probably 10 games. Oh, and yesterday I got the missing content for my favorite MMO (which I basically haven't played for quite a while.) And in less than five minutes into the new content I decided I would uninstall the 'new old' MMO. So that is finally gone and done. Maybe if they ever really update the game I'll go back, but I really just didn't see anything different than it was five years ago.

So today I spent a lot of my time playing with my favorite MMO in the new areas. I'm trying the new class, which has a few things different to offer a group, but since I don't have a regular group or guild I doubt I'll get it to max level. More than likely I'll just stick to my main I have been playing, which is fine. I'm happy with that. It was strange to see the account reference that I started four years ago. I didn't think it had been that long. I still remember that day outside of school in the sun when I was gifted it and it was first installed. It doesn't seem like years. Really nothing of significance has changed. Sure, I have pen and paper gaming back in my life, so I am a bit happier there. But the surface things, the things with me when I am alone in the dark at night sad about having almost nothing, those things are the same.

So I am happy to be back in my MMO again. I'm still looking forward to the birthday game expansion next week. And in a few months I have the other new game to look forward to. So, for today, I am looking forward to things. And I am a bit happy, though there is still so much sadness weighing me down.

Day 3341 - 8/24 - New zone

Today was pretty good. I spent most of the day playing after a quick forum check. I have my new stuff in my favorite MMO to do. I'm not sure where reviewers got the 14 hour completion time for the new zone though. I've been there 10 hours and I've barely started on it. Even if it's just that one zone, so far that will take me 2-3 times as long to go through even just a first time. I'm doing it with the new class, but it seems very similar to my main. Some things are different, but I think even if I had to start completely over I'd still make the choices that led to my current main. He's got the most options, which I like, even if that means he's good with three instead of great with one.

Not much happened besides that. Oh, I did shower, and it was still cold. Though there were still people coming and going for sport practice things, so some stuff is still going on.

But, despite not being able to pre-load either game coming at the start of next week, and the sad things that always hurt me emotionally, today was a pretty good day. And, hopefully things will hold up and the coming days will be good as well.

Day 3342 - 8/25 - Little laundry

Today's big event is a single laundry load. I suppose it would be little by normal standards, but it's a proper single sized load. An oddity for me, as most runs I'm overfull and closer to two loads. But someone sent a birthday gift of needed cloths, so I wanted to get those washed and 'normal smelling' as quick as possible. Plus it gets me current on towels, which only happens every two or three times.

I guess the day was good other than that. I mostly did my usual small forum check then game playing. I did get a chance to pre-load the demo for the game coming out in October, so that is all ready to go the minute it's live on Monday. So that will be super good as I can then check for sure if my system can handle it, and at what settings.

I still have the sad things in the back of my mind, as they are difficult to escape completely, but today was a better day. I continue to hang on to hope, and hopefully future days will be better as well.

Day 3343 - 8/26 - Hot after

Today was pretty good. I did a bit of social forum stuff, but mostly I played my game and watched a bit of shows. I had a free movie from the rental box and had previously gotten one from the library, so I did a double feature again.

Nothing really special happened other than that. Though it was super hot after leaving the library. I suppose it was all day, but I didn't feel it due to the air conditioning.

I still have my sads. They can't go fully away until things are better. But on days that are good don't seem so sad, and can be forgotten at times. Hopefully the good days will continue and things won't be so sad in coming days.

Day 3344 - 8/27 - Super hot

Today was super hot. I was inside almost all the time, so I was able to stay cool. But as I was outside driving for the every 2-3 week game I saw a sign that said it was 95F, and that was at 6:30 at night.

Today was pretty good. I spent the morning at the food store playing. I went to shower before the game and the shower area was open, but the water was ice cold, which was sad. The game was super fun and the one guy was literally so excited he was bouncing up and down. After, I watched a show and played a bit more.

Tomorrow is the demo for the game coming out in October that I pre-ordered. So I'll be able to see both how well my laptop does and how (or if) it is playable on the library connection. I should be fine (at least outside of the 2-6 time when it can get very slow) but knowing for sure is best. The day after I can hopefully unlock my birthday game expansion. So that should be super fun.

So things are happy for the moment. I try to hang on to hope. And I continue to hope I have better days ahead.

Day 3345 - 8/28 - Pew pew hopeful

Today I am hopeful about all the (game) things. The day started off pretty sad though. My game I am getting in October had its demo today, and when I tried to get in at the library it gave an error. I tried again later, and another error, and later still, and still an error. I guess the game is firewall blocked at the public library, which is pretty terrible, as that is where I'll be spending at least 50% of my time in the coming days, if not more. (Since I can no longer TA, and would only be able to take one class which is on a single day, it doesn't seem like continuing with school as my go to spot would be worth it. It would seem weird.) But at the food store I confirmed my laptop can play, and it was actually flying along pretty quickly without issue with the default settings the game picked for my laptop. So that, at least, is a huge relief.

Another sad thing today was when I checked the connection to my game service that my birthday game expansion is on, it seemed firewall blocked again. Which is weird because it wasn't a week ago. I wonder if it's related to the library turning off and on their connection at night. Maybe the firewall settings aren't always the same for some strange reason. Hopefully the connection will be unblocked tomorrow again and I can get my code, unlock it, and download my game. There were signs I found today that indicate I might need to download about 30 gig, which is huge. On the library connection, during a faster time, even that would be more than 6 hours. But at its slower speed, or the food store, that would be 12 or 18 hours, or possibly more. So, if it is blocked tomorrow, getting the game may be quite the undertaking. I'll probably wind up doing what I did in the old days during the summer and be outside of school if I have to download a lot. I won't have a lot of choice, as the food store would be way too slow if the client is big.

But I guess tomorrow and the coming days are the future. And I should only focus on today. Today was mixed emotionally, with the first part of my day being sad, and in the afternoon feeling a bit sick. And in the evening there was the new fun and relief that my laptop can play the game coming in October just fine, though limited by connections. So I try to focus on the good of the day. And I try to hold on to hope things will be good in the future.

Day 3346 - 8/29 - Old days

Today will probably be like an old summer day. I have my birthday game expansion key, but having just gotten it I couldnt pre-load the game. I have to figure out how to alter my schedule to get it. Though the food store is moving quickly, it is extremely rare for this connection. And the 30 gig is still estimating at 15 hours. So I'll head over to school and be outside, as that should cut that down to about 6. Which will be most of my day outside, extra sad, so I'll see how it goes and adjust as needed to stay ok emotionally.

Days like today remind me how limited and sad my day is. I can't just leave a thing on overnight or otherwise leave my system and walk away while downloading. I can't just get a thing in a normal amount of time (a home landline would probably be about 2 hours.) I can't cook or wash cloths as normal, or watch shows. Though I am grateful I have what I do because things could still be much worse.

The weather, at least for the moment, has dropped from the 90s it was to being cold and gray and 'smelling like it's going to rain'. But things are what they are. I can't control that. All I can do is try my best to pick from what I have, and try to stay happy and hang on until my forever better days come along.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2017
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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