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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 10: Wisp of Hope

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 497

Day 3473 - 1/3 - So soft

Today was quite a bit different. I spent extra time at the food store in the morning because I was going to visit my ex-roomie at noon. We hung out for a bit and I got to met her new kitten. Though it's a ginormous breed of cat, so at just 12 weeks he's already full regular cat sized. He's sooooo soft and sweet. I also got to take a private shower, so I am very soft, and I did two laundry loads, which would have otherwise been $10-12. I also got a soup to heat up for lunch - the first cooked food I've had in about 2.5 weeks.

Today was pretty good, but now it's raining. It has been since late morning. I guess it's good in that it's always a touch warmer when it rains, but it made the visit to the ex-house extra sad, as my favorite thing there was to open the window and hear the rain on the trees just outside the window. And when things were in season I could smell the orange and lemon trees too. I can't remember the last time I got fresh orange, let alone had them right off the tree.

But laundry is good to have done, particularly with school staring next Monday. I have that to look forward to again, and though it is not the best, it is a form of stability, which is at least something in this sad life. But I continue to try to hang on. And I continue to try and make it to better days.

Day 3474 - 1/4 - Almost out

Today was extra sad. Of all the gift money people sent during Xmas all I got to spend on fun things was $10. The rest had to be spent on regular life things. Nearly the last of it was spent today returning the backpack I've had to return before because they keep getting ripped after only about four months. On the good side that will come back as a brand new one in a few weeks. But I have a teeny bit of gas and then it's all gone. Nothing for insurance in February. Nothing for the fix-it ticket. Nothing for, well, anything. It was all used for the last insurance and getting signed up for school.

I feel very sad now that I'm barely making it one day at a time. I suppose it's good that I am continuing on, but this is infinitely more stressful than when I barely had anything and was only saving a couple hundred a month. I feel, every minute of every day, that I will snap and break, both mentally and physically.

But I try to hang on. I try to distract myself with my games and shows. And I hope I can continue to hang on until better days come.

Day 3475 - 1/5 - Regular

Today was closer to a regular Friday. I checked the showers in the morning and they were open. I was later than expected though, so I had to really rush quickly through the shower. The rest of my day was a pretty regular day at the library. Save for my tummy being upset about the lunch meat I ate during the day, which is not uncommon these days. Tomorrow and Sunday I'll do a salad, so I'm sure that will settle fine.

Things were pretty sad though. My job searches are returning fewer results than ever, some have even stopped sending me anything as there are zero results. And never anything I'm qualified for, with many hundreds of miles away. But I guess next quarter will start next week, so at last that will keep me busy and be back to my regular routine.

It's raining, which is nice. But, as usual for my homeless days, I can't enjoy it. No really. But I try to appreciate what I can. And I try to look forward to the positive things I still have. And I try to continue to hold on until better days.

Day 3476 - 1/6 - Feel like crying

Today I feel very depressed. I feel so sad I feel like I will start crying. I'm not really sure why. It was a pretty good day where I played my game and watched a couple of shows. I got a job search which again had nothing in my area and very few jobs. And I have been reading through my new pen and paper rule book I got for Xmas. I would guess the combination of those, along with everything else that is happening is what is making me feel so sad.

I miss a life where I don't have to worry about small bills. I miss a life where I can have a home to be warm and comfortable. I miss having friends to play new or different games with. And on said game days I miss not being able to cook something to share with people who appreciate my cooking and time shared with them.

I guess I am yet again just having a hard time with everything. I again am feeling more lost than usual. More discarded than usual. And still grieving the loss ... of me.

Day 3477 - 1/7 - Farts-a-lot

Today I feel better, but there was still constant worry and sadness in the back of my mind. I played in the morning, but when I was at the library I rapidly got sad to the point of not really doing anything while I was there. It didn't help that there was the worst table person across from me most of the day. Not only did he smell bad in a 'he has a totally different diet' kind of way (sort of like a fish market where some fish are dying), but he was farting about every 45 minutes which smelt horrid. Once I had to put my sleeve over my nose for like half an hour.

I guess I made it through the day, and tomorrow is the start of the school quarter. Which means I'll be back in my warm spot, be able to micro foods, and have a stable strong connection all day to whatever I want (in theory.)

So today I try to hang on. I try to push my sad thoughts of money and another day of life lost without potential and opportunity out of my mind, and I try to look forward. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3478 - 1/8 - Not enough sleep

Today I am running on not enough sleep. For whatever reason I only got about 6 hours. I'm sooooo tired and feel like I will pass out from exhaustion at any second, and have all day.

The day was ok though. There were several people stopping by saying hi. I was warm even though it was raining all day and night. I had micro food and enough to eat (though I'm extra hungry from the lack of sleep.)

But I am still very sad. I played and watched stuff, but barely. Mostly I was sad about all the things, and now yet another quarter has started where I try to learn things, but likely will not find a job to use the skills in.

But I try to hang on. I try to look forward to tomorrow. Hopefully I can get enough sleep. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3479 - 1/9 - Sneezy, but hopeful

Today I am very sneezy. I'm congested and my eyes are itchy too. I think at the end of last week back when the rain started people brought colds into the library and I caught something.

The day is just starting but I've seen a few cute girls around, and yesterday too, so that always helps me feel hopeful. Though often more and more lately I feel less like someone with influence or control and more like someone who has to wait for opportunity to come along. Though I suppose I've never been one who had resources to create opportunity.

Maybe, hopefully someday I can be. And hopefully I can continue to hang on emotionally and physically until then.

Week 498

Day 3480 - 1/10 - Exhausted

Today I am super exhausted. I'm still sneezy quite a bit with itchy eyes and a bit hungrier than usual, so I'd guess the exhaustion is a combination of not enough sleep and my body fighting off the cold.

I guess my days are ok. I have really no obligations until Friday, so I'm just trying to rest and recover. Though when checking my job search site seeing basically no new postings for the half dozen categories I check is depressing. And worrying about money is at an all time high, so I'm depressed because of that too. And with that depression comes a reduced desire to play, so while I am still playing some, it's not as much as normal, not even close. And my enjoyment level is pretty low as well.

But I try to hang on. I will try and get extra rest if I can. I will certainly try to be extra resful while at school. And I continue to hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 3481 - 1/11 - Still exhausted

Today I am so exhausted I didn't even know what to say about the day. I tried to play and have fun, but I've been extremely depressed again lately. I've had extra worry sine Monday too because I got an email saying I was disqualified for aid. I noticed Wednesday it actually spefified federal aid, not financial aid, so I researched some things and then asked for clarification from the school, as that has no connection to my "BOG fee waiver". So I had extra worry the last few days over that, thinking I was at the end of being able to kep financial aid at bay (as I wouldn't be able to afford classes without that waiver.) But it turns out nothing is different at all. (So I'm very confused as to why they sent me an email telling me this, when the last time they said this was 7 years ago.)

I don't know why I'm so completely exhausted though. I am again at a point where I feel I'll start crying at any second, punch people in the face who upset me, or just fall over and pass out asleep. I'm tempted to try and overeat tomorrow assuming this is just my body losing all its resources due to the cold, but I don't know if I can spare the money. I don't want to run out again like I did last month.

I feel so lost. So alone in my struggle and pain. And like I have so little I can't really look ahead. Like I must keep my eyes down at the floor because looking up I'd see what is not there.

But I try to hang on. I know I am not alone. I know there are things to look forward to. And I try to keep hoping for better days ahead.

Day 3482 - 1/12 - Grouped

Today was ok. The day was almost entirely taken up by class. We did a group project, so it was pretty fun and people had some laughs.

I didn't do much during the rest of the day. I didn't really feel like playing, so I only played for less than an hour. I just watched a show the rest of the time.

I got a shower in the evening, so that was nice. I was too tired and beat in the morning to do it when I normally would have. And despite constant worry about my having no money, with so many things coming up soon, I tried to stay hopeful. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3483 - 1/13 - Terrible start, ok end

Today started terribly, though I suppose it still could have been worse. I was down to almost no gas, so I had to go to the recycling center. By the time I was nearly there I was getting almost no movement on the gauge, and showing the 'check gauges' warning. I barely made it, immediately got $2 of gas at the closest place, then continued back to the library. I barely got $12 total, of which probably 3 was used in the trip. And that was probably two months or more of collecting.

When I got to the library and tried to upload my podcast I was repeatedly getting errors. I burnt up 17 of the 30 minutes on my phone I have for the month getting no answers, as I was basically on hold the entire time before giving up. At this time someone messaged that my site has been down since yesterday. And in checking I couldn't reach either of my domains at all. I sent a message via the social page and it took hours to get any kind of reply. I got a vague answer that said something was set up incorrectly. It's never needed to be set before? Why did it change? What exactly is this thing? Why do I need to be the one to change it? I found a number and guessed that was the thing to change. Thankfully the sites started showing up a few hours later, but I still couldn't update my site. I guess I'll have to wait to fix that until tomorrow.

Things were bad and sad because of that all day. What should have been a normal homeless day was put into a pretty sad and terrible place because of that.

During the day I watched a show which cheered me up a bit. By the end of the day I was feeling better enough to play, but by then I only had an hour before the library closed.

There was one bright spot in the day. Someone saw I was having a bad day and sent a donation. So that is some monies for a few weeks gas. Likely not enough for anything else, but I'll hold onto it for a week, just in case I need it for something not gas, or other donations come in and I can add them together. So it's good to know people do care and are watching out for how I'm doing - one person who was watching and noticed the site was down, another who saw I was sad and things were bad and sent help and well wishing hoping I feel better.

So I try to hang on. I try to hope things are back to where they should be soon, and try to continue to hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 3484 - 1/14 - Still so sad

Today I am still very sad. I think still in part because my online stuff is still having issues and that's a thing out of my control. But I think more because I am feeling very homesick lately. I miss all the little things. Sleeping in a bed. Sleeping in on weekends. Days like tomorrow being actual days off. Being able to shower. Being able to cook what and when I want. Having a space to invite people to play, or even just having friends to go and play with regularly. Even having a job which is at least tolerable so I don't have to constantly worry about bills.

I think with the start of the new quarter, and probably more-so the new year, I am again pondering all I've lost, how my life doesn't match up to others.

I'm very exhausted too. I can't recall how many years it's been since I was awake and alert feeling. All the time now my eyes are half closed, my brain half asleep, and while my body is restful and unmoving most of the time, all I want to do is sleep and sleep until I no longer feel like I'm going to pass out from exhaustion at any given second.

I try to hang on. Though I think tomorrow will be extra difficult. And I try to stay hopefully for a better tomorrow.

Day 3485 - 1/15 - Bleh

Today there isn't much to say. I spent my time at the food store with a pretty mediocre connection. I did what I wanted to do, but it wasn't a fast enough connection to encourage me to do more demanding things, or to go through my activities quickly. I didn't even really play because the problem with my web host continue, so I was frustrated with not being able to update my site. And food, being lunchmeat, has left my tummy upset basically all day. I probably shouldn't have lunchmeat anymore. I just can't handle any at all.

But I made it through the day. And hopefully tomorrow things can return to homeless normal.

Day 3486 - 1/16 - All broken

Today I am extremely tired. I know that isn't really uncommon, but last night was the worst. I got 'into bed' early, but I was anxious, nervous, like something very important was happening the next day, like a surgery or a new job. The world seemed empty and dead, like just after a terrible storm had quieted down to nothing, or something terrible had happened and everything and everyone had left the area. And so, for whatever reason, I didn't fall asleep until after about 2:30.

My site is still not updating. I guess what caused all the trouble is they moved where all my stuff was hosted (without warning me it might get broken in the process.) The guy I talked to today suggested trying changing my password, which I'd actually thought to try over the weekend (but didn't.) But I guess it's ok, as he said it taking half an hour is no unusual (to reflect the change).

So today has started badly again. All the things feel bad and broken and sad. But with the day still ahead of me, I am hopeful things will be back to homeless normal soon.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2017
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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