Week 517
Day 3613 - 5/23 - Small
Today I am still super exhausted. One of the people who promised help did give me a little something last night, so I'll try to hang onto it for the overdue insurance. But more than likely it will have to go to the monthly bank fee. So far that tiny bit is all I have for the insurance, which is nowhere near the overdue month amount, let alone for both the overdue and June's by the first. So I'm very worried about that. 
With one week left things seem very bad.
I tried to hang onto hope though. After my brief morning checks of things I had all day to play my game. It was super fun, but I still miss things in real life. I still can't help but wonder if I will ever have people in real life to interact with if I ever do get re-established in a home. And will I get a chance to live at least some real life adventures before I die? I hope the answer is yes, but lately it seems all I can see before me is doom.
But I tried to hang on. I tried to stay hopeful. Tried to have fun in my game. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Day 3614 - 5/24 - Not phone
Today was both good and bad. On the one hand I had a super fun time with my new game content. My online friend was there and we even grouped together and played for a bit.
But I found out late Tuesday that my pre-order should have come with a code to get the special pre-order things. I've been basically getting wrong answers and no answers trying to deal with how to get my code, as the company I bought the game from is supposed to give it to me, but they are claiming the game company is supposed to give me one, so it seems they are both blaming each other for not getting a code. So that's extremely stressful and upsetting.
It seems too the single election day job person is blowing me off for not having a phone he can contact me on. He sent an email saying he needed to ask me stuff. I replied my phone is out of time and can we talk by email, and he hasn't replied since, which is super lame he isn't replying. I suppose I should have not spent a week's gas to have an active phone, but on the other hand with gas I could drive basically anywhere within a 20 mile radius with no problems, yet if I had to take mass transit even 5 miles, depending on the direction, that could take hours. And, since the job requires you arrive at 5:30 AM, in some cases mass transportation wouldn't even be an option that early. So, I don't know, that is lame he's just seemingly blowing me off like that.
So all day I've had my overdue bill in the back of my mind. What will happen in a week and a half when I haven't paid it? What about car registration in a month and a half? And other worries. Without help I will crash hard and fast. And it seems help may not be coming. With only one person giving a teeny bit of help it certainly doesn't seem like enough help will come in time.
But I try to continue to hope that help will come. And I try to hang on emotionally until it does. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Day 3615 - 5/25 - Suddenly exhausted
Today was odd. It started out ok, or at least I think it did. Everything now is a bit confusing. Around lunch time, maybe due to doubling up on congestion meds, I became extremely unfocused and exhausted. I think now I have a vague memory of feeling very very sneezy, congested, and a bit sore in the throat from clinching my jaw (due to all the sneezing.) So I sort of overdosed on taking both a decongestant and allergy med. So either the cold meds or my cold have destroyed me.
I had a super fun time in my game, though once my focus was lost I could mentally only 'see' about 1/3 of the screen at a time and my attention span was reduced to about 5-10 seconds.
The game company replied about my pre-order code. They seemed to imply they would take care of it as long as I 'proved' that I pre-ordered. Well, you can tell by when I put in the code can't you? Since it's still in the pre-order window? Seems odd. But I sent a screenshot of my email. So hopefully that will be settled sometime next week. I didn't get a reply by the time I'd left, and being Friday on a holiday weekend I expect nothing will move during the weekend.
But I think I had an ok time today. I can barely remember anything at the moment. Sadly no donations or help came, and we are extremely close to the first. I got another reminder email from the car insurance place, but nothing different was said from before. So I still think I'll be ok if I can at least pay the overdue part before the end of the month. But with only six days left that seems less and less likely.
But I try to hang on to hope, for each day is a new opportunity. Hopefully help will come. And hopefully I can hang on until better days.
Day 3616 - 5/26 - Feeling sad and worried
Today I felt pretty sad and worried. I had a good time in my game, but it didn't really distract me from my sads. I was worried about the bills and all the things. I've also been sick and had a lot of extra tooth/jaw pain lately, so that doesn't help.
I suppose I made it through the day, and that is something. For now it has to be enough that I continue on and hang on as best as I can. So I try to hang on to hope. And hopefully opportunity for change will come and I can make it to better days.
Day 3617 - 5/27 - Tummy calls for a ban
Today was pretty warm outside. Leaving the library there was the smell of BBQ here and there and lots walking around in shorts and warm weather cloths. Even when the library was open there were probably 15% fewer people than normal.
It was an ok day in my game, but still very sad and stressful overall. There are still no donations to cover the overdue bill and we are very close to the next month being past due.
Tummy got upset at lunch and dinner yesterday. I had gotten cheese and some salami for sandwiches and I guess I'm at the point where tummy wants to put a ban on cheese and chocolate. It used to be that I could have a bit of them during a week and be ok. But in recent days it seems even just a little of either ends badly. It wouldn't be a huge change to cut out bigger items, like cheese sandwiches and chocolate desert things, but I'll have to start being careful of even the sometimes ones like ravioli and micro pizza. Hopefully in time after I'm no longer homeless my system will recover enough to be ok with more. But for now I guess I have to put some pretty big bans up.
I'm still exhaustedly tired. And extremely sad and worried about the bills. Tomorrow will not help, as it will not be easy what with everyone celebrating and one of my only real choices of where to be the food store, where I will no doubt see constant reminders of friends and family celebrating their day off.
But I will try to keep my chin up and continue on. It's all I can really do. I try to continue to hope donations come in time and try to continue to hang on to hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
Day 3618 - 5/28 - Suddenly hot
Today is suddenly pretty hot. If I were to guess, based on the fact that it is hot enough for me to sweat, it is probably close to 90F. I'm glad I wore shorts, though thankfully it wasn't to awkward to be at the food store, which is air conditioned and I spent most of the day there.
I had hoped to go to a movie I've been looking forward to, I have plenty saved on gift cards, but it would have taken too much gas to get there. I have maybe a week left, and it would use half a week probably to get there, so I just don't have the extra $3 or so right now.
I guess the good news there is by staying at the food store I saved nearly a full day of gas, so at least there was that. And it wasn't too bad emotionally. It was a tolerable connection, and even though it was super crowded I was able to be distracted and not pay attention to the crowd. But it wasn't too hard to ignore them, as besides the very rare bunch of alcohol being purchased, there were very few getting just BBQ food and chips. It seemed the majority were doing just general shopping things, so it felt like just a crowded weekend day.
Despite not feeling out of place, it is getting difficult to not be extremely depressed about my overdue car insurance, and the very few days remaining before it's more than a month overdue. Even though I was very hungry for lunch and dinner, I could barely bring myself to eat, feeling like I am doomed and the end of things is coming soon either way. Without car insurance I can't risk moving the car, let alone risk driving places. With the registration due in about 1.5 months, even if I could get the money I can't register the car without also having car insurance. Without it seems in a very rapid amount of time my car would need to be sold or towed. And not having a car where I am is super terrible enough as it's needed to get around, for me far more so since I'm homeless.
So I try to not be too depressed. I try to remember to eat, even if it's a smaller amount than normal. And I try to keep hoping help will come in the next few days; after all the just over $40 is a pretty small amount to people with regular lives, and if I can at least do the overdue month I should be ok for a while longer. And hopefully that will be long enough for more help to come and maybe opportunity. So I try to keep hoping. And hopefully I can make it to better days.
Day 3619 - 5/29 - Hope and despair
Today seems weird as I go through periods of remembering and forgetting it's Tuesday. I got an update from the game company about my pre-order code and that they are still looking into things, so that is hopeful. But in general Tuesday has both the most hope and most despair.
Hope, in that it's the day I post the week's sad story, and with that I hope people will hear the sad things and send help.
Despair, in that if no help comes I feel it is unlikely to come for at least another week, feeling more and more hopeless and helpless as more weeks go without help.
So for the moment I am hopeful, but as the day continues I will likely become more and more depressed. But for the moment I am hopeful. I am settled in at school freshly showered, have foods to micro later, and should be able to play my games and watch my shows. And that is something.
Week 518
Day 3620 - 5/30 - Just in time
Today was good, but still very sad. In the morning there was a donation waiting for me from the one who sends donations pretty regularly. So, phew, that is just in time to keep me from being more than a month over. I'll be able to pay the overdue amount in the morning. But, since the day after I will be overdue again, and I have nothing for that or the registration in a month and a quarter, I am still pretty worried and down.
I tried to have fun in my game, and I did, but I actually played too much. In part because I am very sad and want to stay distracted. In part because I'm still super spaced out due to my cold. And in part because, not counting a couple of shows to watch, there really isn't much else for me to do. My life really consists of waiting for opportunities, and scanning possibilities when they do come.
But with the payment I will have a lot of stress reduced, and that is something. So I try to hang on for better days.
Day 3621 - 5/31 - Identity
Today was an odd mix of feelings. The day started at the car insurance place. I burnt a day and a half getting there and back, which is pretty bad, but the overdue amount is paid. At least until tomorrow when I'm again overdue.
When I got back to school and settled in to my MMO I got something pretty exciting. I spent all my in game gold monies I'd saved up for the past few weeks and got a thing that I've been wanting since even before the expansion released. (Since I'd seen previews of it before hand.) This was a piece of a set of things that allows me to change the look of my chest armor; one of the more defining pieces that people do. I quickly burnt through resources, which in some cases have taken months to gather, and headed over to the dye station to change the color.
This was very important to me, as it is the most visible and often most distinct piece. It is of an order that comes with the new expansion. This NPC order have beliefs that align with me very strongly. They believe in acquiring knowledge, learning, observing, understanding, but also compassion, and selflessness; all things I very strongly believe in and support. Of all of the NPC organizations this has been the first to truly resonate with me.
But I had some strange thoughts as I wore this new piece through the day. No one commented on it. No one noticed. Which, granted is the norm, so that wasn't different. But as the hours passed and I saw my character in my view, a couple of things really stood out.
First, the look is pretty good, but for a completely virtual item it felt very different. (It's a crafted item, so the in game stats are the exact same as what I had.) Part of that may be that my character has worn the same thing for probably about two years.
But it also didn't feel right on me. All of the people in the order are pretty much high elves with only a few exceptions. My character is a cat person. Who not only looks very different, but the entire race are basically considered outcasts and troublemakers; an undesirable people. The look I had previously been wearing was half from the thieves expansion, where the look is worn by members of outcasts and thief guild members, and also some pieces of a mercenary set, which aren't really an organized or represented group in the game, and a look that almost no one wears.
So it felt strange. This new style which aligns with my personal philosophical beliefs felt 'wrong' for both of these reasons; external and internal. The old look felt 'more comefortable', and 'familiar'.
It made me ponder external and internal perception of identity. I thought about how I look, my own beliefs and personality. Would people assume different things about me if I were, say, wearing a suit compared to what I normally wear? In real life, yes, absolutely. Because as a stranger that's all they have to go on. But in a game, not really. No one pays attention or really cares in a game where you can have so many different looks.
I thought about personality; does what I wear change how I perceive and believe of myself? Absolutely not. Unless, of course, I am playing a part, a character, in which case the personality connects to the symbols presented by the cloths. So in that case there is a connection.
So ultimately, at least for now, I have partly gone back to my old look. (I kept a few pieces with the new look.) It feels more familiar, more comfortable, and in a strange way, seeing my character in those cloths I can imagine them as if it were a nice blanket around me. It is ultimately all meaningless, and absolutely not something others will notice. (Only maybe once a year has someone commented on my look.)
But I found myself wondering. Do I feel more comfortable in these cloths because my character's race is often looked down upon and considered outcast by both NPCs and players? Is it because I am just so used to them? Is it because I know ultimately that players really won't come to discover my personal beliefs align with the order that has that new look, and since they don't care I suddenly feel sad or let down by trying to show others what I believe in and stand for and they won't care?
I was hit by more feelings near the end of my game day when I was storing the newly made gear away in my home. (In case I do want to use that look in the future.) When I was in my home there was the sounds of various pets I'd put in there. There was food and a fire ready. There was the bed. I laid down for a minute. There were lights and knick-knacks placed around the room; like my balls of yarn I'd collected. And I started to cry.
It was just a few tears before I quickly left the home and wiped the tears away, but it seemed very sad. There is a place for all my things in the game. The things which were chosen, their placement, are signs and symbols of who I am, what I've done, and where I've been. Yet no one will see my home. (Save for the like two online friends who have.) No one will come to in the future. Just as no one will see me, or come to learn about my character.
And more importantly I have no (real world) home. My things which show who I am in real life, the things I've chosen, the things from where I've been. There is no real place to arrange my things.
And it made me very sad that right now the only home I have is virtual.
Day 3622 - 6/1 - On soft paws
Today was pretty good emotionally, though I was continually worried about the car insurance and rapidly approaching registration.
The day started with sending the game company yet another inquiry about the pre-order things. I still have not heard back from the retailer I ordered it from, and it's been a week since I sent the game company my proof of purchase. When I wrote I again questioned why there is a delay and confusion, since the game purchase qualifies for a pre-order until the 5th. And since I've already applied my game code, which requires an order, why aren't pre-order things automatically applied? I played for a tiny bit, then went offline to have lunch and watch a show.
When I came back my account made a bwong noise of something being added to my collection and I noticed had an email and all of the pre-order things in my collection. 
I immediately switched to the fancy cat mount. He makes me smile very much. He's super cute and runs on almost silent paws; quite different from the clip-clops of the horse I've had for like three years.
It seems strange for such a thing to make me smile, but it does. There was another thing I noticed in the game like that. Someone had a heavy plate armor helmet who was a cat person like me, and the helmet was shaped like a cat head and had the cutest little ear armor covers. In all the game so far only a few pieces have accounted for the cat or lizard people's head shape. It's why I basically never have my hat showing. But that made me happy and smile in a similar way. It looks like with the newest expansion all the head armor have special looks for all three head types. No more smooshed ears for my character.
Sure, these are very inconsequential things, especially since they are virtual in a game. But they make me feel like my choices matter, are valid, and the game developers care. Small details like quiet cat paws compared to horse hooves (or squish squish of a bug mount I have), special ears on hats for cat people, these details matter. Much like small details and choices in real life matter. They define and validate who we are. And that is something.
So, even though I am filled with worry about money, and super exhausted from my cold or allergies (I'm still sneezing tons), I feel a bit happier emotionally. I have a bit more hope for the future. And I continue to look forward to better days.
Cutest kitty mount ever... ON FIRE!!!
LargeDay 3623 - 6/2 - Open later, drop early
Today was mixed feelings. No donations came, nor other help, so I felt very sad about that. I'm also nearly out of food money, so I am again at a point of having to be extremely careful so I don't fall short before the cycle date.
I did pick up a series I'm behind on from the library, so there is that to watch. And I had a decent amount of fun in my game. I thought I'd have an extra half hour more to play, as the library again changed their hours and they are open a touch later on weekends now, but the wireless unexpectedly dropped about an hour before closing. I waited 5 minutes, 10, 15, and at that point it seemed extremely unlikely it would come back up, as historically if the library isn't up in less than 15 minutes it typically takes hours. But then with only half an hour left until closing there wasn't much point in doing anything but continuing to wait.
I guess the day was pretty good other than that. It has turned back to super warm weather and I will again be back to wearing shorts. I did have some fun, but the day seemed to fly by. Which I guess is good, but it feels like only half as much time passed as really did. And above all I survived the day. Nothing got worse, at least nothing I could currently observe, and things seem ok emotionally. So I try to hang on to hope. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Day 3624 - 6/3 - Not the day I wanted
Today was not at all how I wanted it to go. I started at the library in the morning. There was still no signal. I waited and waited and waited. All day, and all evening. The library never got its wireless back. I guess it was ok in that I had my offline game to play, and the TV series to catch up on, and a tiny bit of other stuff. But it wasn't at all what I planned or hoped for the day.
At he end, when I should have gone in to my restful night spot, there was some weirdness. I was uneasy and out of my spot for several hours, also losing what I'd planned or hoped for the evening.
And today my tablet fell, only about 1.5 feet, but enough that one of its cover feet broke off. Thankfully the three remaining hold it in place well enough, but it's basically exactly the same kind of break as before. And while I'm sure they would replace it, I recall it costing something like $10-15 for shipping, which I don't have.
On top of that the bills became more worrisome. I am on day more overdue on the insurance, and a day closer to the resitration. And gas is almost completely out. I'm putting a huge bet and hope I can make it to Tuesday and that the person who has helped Tuesday nights will help again. Because if not I will be out and have to immediately stop driving. I may have one or two more days if I'm lucky, but not enough to keep driving every day.
So today was all kinds of bad. Mostly emotional. Some physical, such as being exhausted and not getting rest when I expected and being extra on guard and worried for hours. But gas is more critical than it's ever been. And I grow more and more worried I'll not be able to cover registration when it comes due.
Day 3625 - 6/4 - Proper ears
Today was not worse, but it wasn't really better. As with all days things move one day closer to bad things.
Oh, there were sad things I forgot yesterday. In the evening there were lots of friends meeting others to go out and do things in the summer evening. I can't remember the last time I did that. I also listened to one of my gaming playlists I made. It has environmental sounds. One part has a forest campfire near a stream, which reminded me of when I was young at camp. Much like last night, I was up when I did not want to be, doing things in conditions I did not want. But it also reminded me of a hanging out with the Gray Ghost and a few others in a park at night. Or at a cabin in the woods which had nothing but a record player and tape player. Simpler times. I wonder if all this connectivity and technology is good for us. It makes it so much easier to detach from others, favoring a hive mind mentality and attitude over individuals.
I did try and focus on being at school. It was warm. I wore shorts. Most of the day one of the girls who is 'as cute as a button' sat nearby. And I saw two others I sometimes see pass by. Of course all are much too young for me, and don't even acknowledge I exist. But it's a nice reminder that there are women out there who I'm still interested in (or could be if they weren't too young), so at least I am not o detached or old to have given up on love.
I played my game and tried to focus on that. I got lucky and found the hat style I was looking for at one vendor for a reasonable price, so that is super happy.
But I tried to have fun today. I tried to forget my worries, though they will never really be forgotten with things left undone. I did have fun in my game, and I did have micro food, so that is something. And with that I continue to try and hang on to hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
Best helmet ever. Has ear armor! (Helmet off and on for comparison.)
LargeDay 3626 - 6/5 - Hopeful Tuesday
Today feels hopeful. I'm pretty tired physically, but I got good sleep for a change. I dreamt of having money to move to L.A. and start my career as a producer, finally being free in my job, and able to live how I want. So that helps me feel hopeful, as I have not yet given up on my (literal) dreams.
No donations or change yet, but it's just now morning, so that is as expected. I talked with my professor last night a bit as we hung out and she asked how things were. I replied, 'the worst, because each day is the new worst.' And I mentioned how I expect if help doesn't come Wednesday will be my first day of walking everywhere all the time. She seemed genuinely sad and said she didn't have any cash on her. I will try to stay hopeful that means she may help, but with plenty of opportunity before, and knowing I've needed help for years, it seems unlikely she actually will. She has a few times in the past though, so you never know.
The Tuesday person checked in last week by email. The class got out early and she had to run, so she didn't come by. So maybe that was an implication she wants to help and she will help me tonight, I guess we'll see.
But I feel hopeful today. I am still physically exhausted, though not as tired mentally. At least not at the moment. It's cooled off a bit so I'm back to pants, which is probably better overall. The recent 90s is a bit much. But I try to stay hopeful help will come. And maybe opportunity will come someday. And until then I try to have a good time with my game and shows, and I try to hang on and survive another day. And hopefully it will be a better day.
