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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 10: Wisp of Hope

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 511

Day 3571 - 4/11 - Twisting path

Today was pretty sad. I was completely exhausted most of the day, feeling like it was three hours later than it was almost all day. I feel like if I were to close my eyes I would immediately pass out.

I got a bigger donation from the person who keeps helping. I don't know how I'd still be here if it weren't for their help. Unfortunately with so much going on my options are still extremely limited. I might be able to get school and parking if I spent every single penny I had. But that would likely not be best. While it would be the best medium term choice, that would leave me vulnerable since I'm already past due for insurance. So I really should take care of that first. But the question is, can I? Since I have to call, and I have no phone time, would my phone let me do a wifi call? It seems doubtful. If I charge the phone that's $10 minimum, leaving probably not enough for anything after car insurance. But I fear we are rapidly reaching a bad late point with it already being the 11th.

My professor which sort of promised help has said nothing the past two days, and given no help. And now I won't see her until Monday, as she is only on campus Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. With even just a little there would not be such a struggle to decide an order to things. But since nothing has been said I should probably go back to acting like nothing was said, and not consider anything will come of it. I will have to pay for insurance first, leaving enough for a couple of weeks of gas and no parking sticker, or getting a parking sticker and probably having only enough after for less than a week of gas.

So I guess I have no choice, and few options. And the only option tonight is to sleep, and try to remain hopeful. In the morning I can see if the donation transferred in, and if I can make a call on wifi, and decide what to do from there. But for now, all I can do is hope. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3572 - 4/12 - Thoughts of death, again

Today was pretty sad. It again started being completely totally exhausted. I think it was last night, maybe the night before, that just as I'd fallen asleep my brain thought it heard someone say my name from a direction and location that a person could not have been. It was odd enough, both in that it was my name, and an impossible location, that it didn't scare me awake, but slooowwwly caused my mind to pull out of sleep, and then very slowly escalate to just a little bit scared, as I didn't know if it was real or a dream.

I had considered napping in the car this morning when I got to campus, and upon reflection maybe I should have, as tomorrow could possibly be my last chance for that. The donation must be used for overdue insurance, and if parking can be done too, I'd have nothing left for gas. The school replied to an email and said it should be the same $15 as other quarters, but it very clearly shows $30 when I check. I still am not getting a clear answer if that's because I'm not signed up for classes or another reason. I don't recall needing to be signed up in previous quarters to have it be the lower amount.

There is still no word from my professor on if she is helping. As I said yesterday, at this point I'm going to pretend she said nothing, as she's promised and not followed through before.

Possibly because of my fears and worries about money I was feeling sad and worried all day. On top of that at a few points in the day I thought of various deaths and being gone and again had very minor panic attacks about it. But with no money, sometimes I can't help spiraling and falling into a place of fear and worry that all there will be for me is nothing, then death.

But I try to hang on to hope. I try to remember the things I watched that made me laugh today. I tried to focus on some voice work I did for some people. (Just for funsies. It would be extremely unlikely to lead to anything.) And I continue to try to hope help will come in time, and that tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3573 - 4/13 - Bank in the morning, bank in the evening

Today felt super long, like I'd done tons of stuff. But I didn't really do that much. The day started with a detour to the bank to get cash, then to the car insurance office. I did indeed just pay the one month, and probably only paid an extra $3 in gas getting there and back compared to what would have been $10 to recharge the phone. Looking at what I have in my account I even have enough for a full price parking permit and most of a week of gas. Though I did decide to make an extra trip in the evening to deposit what I'd not used that I'd withdrawn in the morning.

The rest of the day I was mostly online in my spot watching shows or playing. I felt pretty sad and down from being so behind on paying bills that I did more passive show watching than playing.

There were a few who stopped in and said hi though, so it was nice to see people I knew and chatted with. Though my professor stopped by unexpectedly, she made no mention of the monies she had said she'd help with. So while I hold on to hope I'll know more after her meeting on the weekend, I will proceed as if she never mentioned it.

But I guess today was ok. And I continue to try to hang on to hope that help will come and I can make it to better days.

Day 3574 - 4/14 - Bunny cookies

Today was both bad and good actually. Bad in that I had to spend all of my cash getting the parking permit and had $5 left for gas. If I go to Wednesday and hear nothing from my professor that's pretty much it. I'll have to leave my car where it is and only move maybe once a week for emergencies. Since it takes so little for gas I'm hoping help will come, but I am prepared for the worst.

Today started good emotionally because I found some super yummy cookies on sale. They were, I guess, left over from bunny weekend. They are bunny shaped, chick coming out of an egg, and egg shaped. I found a box not so old, dated around the end of last month. (Some dated all the way back to a month ago.) They are about 4" big and came in a pretty big box, for $3. I'd guess there were maybe 20-25 in there in total. I'd never had them before, and due to their age, I asked for a sample before buying them. They are supper yummy (light) sugar cookies, so I like them very much.

Someone sent some well wishing in the early afternoon, and offered a place with her and her husband a few times a week if needed. Bu they are a few states away, so I'll hold off until an emergency. I'm pretty sure my benefits are location based, so I want to hang on to my food monies and healthcare coverage as long as I can.

I tried to have fun and play my game today. Though worry of my bills were always on my mind, and more than once I thought of pain and loss and the inevitability of death, so that was very sad.

But I hung on ok in general. And so I continue to hope help comes. And that I can hang on until it does. And that I can make it to better days.

Yummy bunny cookie.

Day 3575 - 4/15 - Almost warm, then rain

Today was ok, I suppose. In the morning and early afternoon it was nice and warm. It was almost even shorts weather after the past couple of days. But in the later afternoon it turned super cold, and now as I write this it's starting to rain.

I guess there isn't much to say about the day. Really the only thing was a lady sat across from me with horrible breath. When she sighed, which she did about every 15 minutes the last couple of hours she was there, I could smell her breath, which smelt like a fish someone had left out and then scrambled eggs were rotting on top of it.

The day was not too terrible. I didn't dwell on my bills, though they were always in the back of my mind. But thankfully thoughts of death stayed away. But with spending all my money yesterday and only having about $0.25 left things feel pretty terrible.

All I can do is continue to hope help comes and that I can make it to better days.

Day 3576 - 4/16 - Extended event

Today emotionally was pretty good. In the morning I rushed directly to my MMO to do what should have been the last of a special event. It turns out it has been extended for a week, so I get to do extra event stuff I haven't finished yet.

Other god news was found in an email in the early afternoon. I'd mentioned to the school I had to pay full price because my parking sticker is now officially run out. They said they adjusted the price and will refund the difference to my card within one business week. So that is a bit more than a week of gas when it comes back.

The other parts of the day were meh. There were no jobs to apply for and no donations. And though I only was talking with the professor for about five minutes total, nothing was said about getting me help or any discovered plans from her visit over the weekend (to the people she's getting extra work from). At this point I must certainly proceed assuming she is not going to follow through on that.

But I guess emotionally it was a decent enough day. I got through, and there were a few nice surprises. Though there is still all the stress of the rapidly approaching bills. But I try to hang on to hope. And hopefully help will come and I can hang on until better days.

Day 3577 - 4/17 - Up too early

Today I woke up too early. I suppose it was the cold weather, as it was super cold and wintery. I guess it's ok though because even though it was 1.5 hours early I still got about 7 hours sleep, which is pretty much average for me.

My nose has been super itchy lately, with quite a bit of sneezing, so I must still have a bit of a cold or some allergies going on.

I'm very tired physically, but not really sleepy. It's warming up, but there are still many rain clouds overhead. The day is just starting, so hopefully it will turn out ok, if not financially at least emotionally. All I can do is continue to hope help comes, and hang on until better days.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2018
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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