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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 10: Wisp of Hope

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 507

Day 3543 - 3/14 - Forgetful

Today was mostly ok, but as always I was very worried about money. Well, bills to be more accurate. I don't know if it was that or my cold that threw me off when doing my podcast recording, or if it's just so infrequent that I'm forgetting steps. Apparently when I set up I put the popper stopper (which improves clarity and deepens the tone a bit) in an unusual location. When I finished recording and started putting things away I noticed the odd location. I must have recorded without it, even though it was right by my side, inches from me, just out of view. It makes me feel sad that something once so regular and enjoyable has become something I've forgotten how to do properly, and in a way that my heart breaks every time, and I don't really feel like what I am talking about is worthwhile to anyone.

I guess I had an ok day other than that. It's been pretty cold what with the rain. And I've been losing sleep. And while very mild, I still can't get rid of this cold, so I'm still sneezing and have itchy eyes and wheezing.

I guess the day certainly could have been worse, and I did hang on yet again. So I continue to try to hang on. And I continue to hope there are better days ahead.

Day 3544 - 3/15 - About to uninstall

Today was a slow day, both in passage of time and emotionally. It was pretty sad, but since I can't really change things I just have to accept the sad.

One game I've gotten back into lately is bothering me. I'd really gotten back into it as it's a competitive PvP game, which is the direction most companies seem to be going. As a single person in a random game it just seems full of really bad people who do nothing but complain. I will probably stop playing it again. It's a good game, but the toxic and non-teamwork focused people make it not worth playing. Which is sad, because it would be nice to have an online game where there are people. I do still have my favorite MMO, but being two expansions behind now there is little I have access to that's new, so going there would likely just make me sad, as I'd know what I'm missing out on in the new content that everyone else is doing.

So I feel sad. I'm extra cold again because of the rain. I feel a bit lonely. And I can't help but see the bills I can't pay, with little gas left getting lower and lower, and I think about how I'm constantly riding the edge of my resources.

But I try to stay positive. I was even actually creative, making a fun thing for a couple of hours today, so I can still be cheered up. The me that was is still in here and just needs opportunities to come along so that he can come out. So I try to continue to hope help comes. And I try to continue to look forward to better days.

Day 3545 - 3/16 - Double rainbow

Today was mostly the same. I was super exhausted in the morning. I just wasn't feeling like doing class. I almost decided to cut the lab portion, but I pushed through, and it wasn't completely terrible I guess. But this class has turned out to feel so long and boring.

In the later afternoon I got some good news. A big donation from a friend came in, so the biggest bill concern which I didn't think I could postpone will now be taken care of. Phew. And I'll put a bit into gas, so worry about that can be pushed back. I still have the next car insurance payment, and signing up for school for next quarter, so there is still that, but for the moment I have some breathing room.

Oh, and I saw something I don't think I'd ever seen before in my life, a double rainbow. I suppose really it was a full one, as it went from one part on the ground on one side, around a half circle up to the sky and back down on the other side of my view. I'll put it at the end of the day if the pictures come out ok. I took it in a way that can hopefully be pieced together. I started a video, but by then the clouds were coming in and blocked part of it.

I guess today wasn't too terrible. I suppose it was the expected amount of terrible. But I did get a big donation, which is a huge help, so that is something. And hopefully I can continue to hang on until better days.

Day 3546 - 3/17 - Little

Today was extra cold and rainy. The library was freezing cold all day. I don't get why when everyone is wearing extra winter layers they still run the A.C. It boggles my mind they let that constantly run instead of just letting it be air or actually heat to warm people up.

There was also little to no bandwidth just after noon. I could barely do anything. I even played offline things for a while it was so bad.

I guess it wasn't a completely terrible day. I was constantly thinking of things I wished I could do, or had; simple things like friends to play games with or regular foods and a place to cook But I suppose that is no different from any other day.

So I continue to try and stay positive. And I continue to try and hang on to hope. And hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

Fancy double rainbow.

Day 3547 - 3/18 - Ser sniffles-a-lot

Today I was sniffling quite a bit. The cold has gotten a bit worse in that regard. I'm also kind of confused and my ears have been ringing all day. I don't even really remember what I did all day. It was pretty much just forum stuff, but still.

There was a pretty big scare shortly after the library opened. There was a loud clunk and the power dropped in the entire library. It did come back up pretty quickly though. I think it was probably less than half an hour before it was back. That would have been tragic if it hadn't come back up. I can be ok without the Internet, but without power I'd last 3-4 hours, and half of that I'd be limited to stuff on my tablet.

It was again super cold. I did get slightly warm and had my hoodie off for a small part of the day, but mostly it was just freezing cold. It only rained a little bit, so I'm hopeful the rain and cold will go away and we will be back to things moving towards summer again very soon.

But at least so far, I have survived the day. I am congested, confused, exhausted, and want nothing more than to have a safe quiet place to sleep, which I don't have, but I made it through the day. And with each day I suppose there is another chance I can recover and make it to my forever better days.

Day 3548 - 3/19 - So many sniffles

Today I was super sniffly. Probably all day I was sniffling. The weather is still way too cold. I think it's what is causing me to be unable to get over the cold.

The day was ok I suppose. Nothing new changed, for good or bad, which I suppose is something. I survived another day. And with that I can sleep and the next one will hopefully begin. And with each day there is the hope opportunity for change will come and I can find my forever better days.

Day 3549 - 3/20 - Attempt to be restful

Today it is cold and raining again. The cold weather last night made my cold worse. My throat was extra scratchy and I was extra wheezy all night. So today on campus I will try to be extra restful. I don't expect to need to do anything but study for a test, but I may need to be part of a final project shoot. I'm not sure.

But the day has just started. I'm trying to rest from my walking around getting food and coming over from the parking lot. And when I warm foods I'll always wrap up and take my umbrella just in case. But hopefully today will be restful, and I can continue to hang on.

Week 508

Day 3550 - 3/21 - Not pizza disappointment

Today was a pretty short day for me. It was the second part of the person's shoot. So from 11:30 until 5:30 PM I was doing that. It was pretty good. I gave some suggestions that were good, and even though I didn't do much on set I think it helped that I was there.

There was one thing that did make me terribly disappointed though. They got sandwiches instead of pizza, which was disappointing because I had not only really been looking forward to the fresh yummy pizza, but they didn't ask about allergies before getting food, so all of the sandwiches were things I couldn't eat. I even had to change where I was sitting in the room a few times due to getting a whiff of someone's open sandwich that made me feel sick.

And it's sad that I was so emotionally disappointed and devastated by not having the nice pizza treat. Something that isn't a big deal, even the cafeteria sells pretty good by the slice freshly cooked ones for $3.50, but that's a very big deal to me. And it shouldnt be. It should be a 'meh, whatever,' shrug it off kind of thing. But it's not. (I did have food to eat. I always plan for those events, so I had soups.)

I have basically officially resigned from my 'every other week' game. Though it was only once a month the last few times, and that was probably five or six months ago now that we had our last game. But they changed the campaign and are going to start again in the middle of April. (With the promise this time of it actually being every other week.) I told the group that if my sad life doesn't get better I'll have to back out. With things as bad as they are getting I may very soon be looking at maybe needing to leave my car unmoving, so that every other week $5 cost is just too much right now. Which again is another thing that shoudln't be a big deal or something of concern, but it is.

I'm suuuuper sick too. A few nights ago it got very cold and things are worse. I'm still sniffly and sneezy, and today in addition to that I've got a massive headache behind my eyes, and constant ringing in my ears.

But I guess the day was what it was. And nothing bad happened that was new. So again I survive another day. And again I hope for good sleep and that tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3551 - 3/22 - Feel good, feel sad

Today was a very mixed day. In the morning I was pretty sick feeling. Again there is a ton of sneezing and congestion. And still a bit of eye pain and ear ringing.

I decided to play my PvP game. I've gotten very into a new character that just came out and she is perfect for how I play and think. So at least for the moment I am just ignoring the asshats and trying to have fun. We'll see how long that lasts and if I keep it installed.

After playing for a few hours I was feeling almost happy. I decided to update my PC hardware site. I guess most of it hasn't been updated in close to eight months. It felt very nice to update it again, and effectively making wish lists for people who can afford to build a new system. But as I got deeper and deeper into it I couldn't help but remember how I started the site as really a wish list for myself, stuff I would have liked. And I thought how many years I've kept it going, how much things have changed, and how I may never get to build a system from my site again.

And too I felt sad that seemingly no one cares. There are so few visitors no one requested updates. No one emailed to ask how I was doing and it was unusual for me to leave it not updated for so long. And even with my social page, though someone did like a post and ask if I was ok, in general it feels like no one cares about what I post. It seems like none care to celebrate things that I care about or enjoy.

So, as usual, that made me feel like this is it. Like I won't recover. And if I do, no one would care. And as such I thought about death a lot. About the end. About not having anything to care about and no one caring that I was gone.

But I know that is not true. I know that is just me being sad now, because death, loss, and ticking down clocks are all I see around me. I know there are at least a few who do care. And hopefully in time I will recover. And hopefully I can be ok and not think of death so often, as I still have almost half my life left.

So for now I will try to hang on. I will try to look at what I do still have, and try to keep dreaming of the future. And hopefully help will continue to come and I can hang on until better days.

Day 3552 - 3/23 - Lock scare

Today was again a day of happy and sad. I am still suuuper sick, so overall I still feel extremely tired, have an earache and eye hurting, and there is still so much congestion and sneezing.

Class was meh. I don't know why I just couldn't ever really get into it. The first half of the final went by ok I guess. The second half is next week.

Someone came by from the Wednesday shoot and gave me some monies, so that was unexpected and super nice. I will try to hang onto it as long as I can, as it's almost half what I'd need to sign up for classes. With another donation, or something like monies from dad for bunny day, it could be enough. It will be hard to hang onto though being a smaller amount, so we'll see.

After class I was relaxing and actually having fun in the PvP game I may or may not drop, when all of a sudden out of nowhere, for seemingly no reason, the laptop fully locked. The screen froze and I couldn't tab to anything else. I had to force fully reset it. When it restarted everything was taking forever to recover. (Not entirely unusual for a forced restart.) Starting the app that launches the game it said something went wrong and it had to re-scan its directory to find all the games and verify them.

The lock was terrifying. I have no money at all and no way to replace the laptop if it were ever to die. Thankfully it recovered before panic truly set in, as I was rapidly spiraling into thoughts of laptop death, my being extremely disconnected (thus limited to only my tablet), and my own mortality. It served as little more than a reminder that everything feels like it is on a clock, ticking away, with no way for me to recover or extend the clock.

Thankfully it seemed ok after it restarted. I played a couple more games, but the connection was getting bad, so I mostly just did other non-game things. (Watched shows and finished my system build page.)

Now with the day over I am left with mixed feelings of having ok parts of the day, bits almost even happy, and other parts being sad and reminding me of death; death both of my material possessions I have left that I depend on to stay happy, and my own biological death.

But I try to hang on to the good and happier thoughts. I try to stay restful to recover from my cold. And I continue to hope there are better days ahead.

Day 3553 - 3/24 - Air dry

Today was ok emotionally. It seemed to pass pretty quickly, which I suppose is neither good nor bad. I had a pretty good connection most of the day, which is a bit surprising since it's been so bad lately. So I played my PvP game and actually had a pretty good time. I think I played a couple of hours and no one was complaining to the point of my needing to block them, which is unusually rare. (Typically I block someone around every three games, with games typically being about 10 minutes.)

There was a sad part about the day. Because I am so low on money, instead of washing my cloths I just put a quarter in and 'air dried' one set of cloths for next week. I should be fine as I only have a couple of hours of class and don't really get too stinky. But it is very sad emotionally to wear the same cloths for so long, especially socks and underwear. Hopefully the ex-roomie will contact me again for another visit, but if she doesn't in the next couple of weeks I'll have no choice but to do a real wash at that time.

My being clean is one of the things I miss most about not having a home. I used to have clean cloths each day, and showered once, sometimes twice, in a day. And bed sheets were clean once a week, often having been dried close to bed time so they are still warm when I got in.

But I have to do what I can to be ok, both financially and emotionally. I don't have what I did, and I don't know what I will or won't have in the future. So I try to get by. And I try to be careful and cautious when I can.

For the moment I try to continue to hang on. And I continue to hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 3554 - 3/25 - Video game sportball

Today was ok I guess. I basically had no real connection to speak of all day. There was zero connection at the food store, and then the library barely had enough bandwidth to watch the PvP game's champion sportball league thing they are doing. I'm not into the team aspect, but it's interesting to see how it's a totally different game when people are playing who both know what they are doing and working together as a team.

When I left the library there were a few different locations with supper yummy smells. The one my tummy reacted to most was a steak and potatoe smell. I'm trying to save all my monies, so I definitely don't have extra for that. I mostly get salad on the weekend now, but my tummy has been craving a cheese sandwich, so I've had that all weekend. A very far cry from yummy steak with butter, spices and herbs, and little potatoes. But I suppose I do feel better that I'm not eating something that was alive.

There is still a little while before the sun goes down, and still a few hours after that before my day is completely over. But I suppose I made it through another day ok. And I will continue to try to hang on. And hopefully I will make it to better days.

Day 3555 - 3/26 - Emptied out

Today was a strange mix of feelings. On the one hand I felt alone, abandoned, sad, and stuck, because we are again at the end of a quarter and although it's not the end of the school year where people are moving on, almost no one was around at school, and my floor was almost completely empty by 4.

But I was restful. I was warm. I got a touch extra to eat. I got a new bigger drink to drink and then re-use the bottle for water. And I played my game most of the day and actually kind of genuinely had fun. Not the 'wheeeee omg omg omg hop up and down and grin ear to ear' kind of fun, but fun in that I did not think about how sad my life is and was getting distracted from it. Though it's strange since I still question if I really like PvP, and people die like every 15-30 seconds, so you'd think that would trigger thoughts and fears of my own death. I guess because it's a totally 'cartoonish' kind of death that makes it ok for my brain and doesn't affect me as much.

But I did still think about and fear death quite a bit today. It feels like death is near, but not in a way like I am immediately dying, if that makes sense. I guess maybe in a way like how I felt in the weeks following my mom's death when I was young. The way where you know it is ever-present, and I can't avoid it, and things around me are not currently truly enough to completely distract me from thoughts of its inevitability.

In a totally unrelated bit of news I got a very fat packet from one of the banks for my student loans. I thought, 'oh no, here we go again. I'm going to have to tell them I'm in school, have no money anyways, and to stop bothering me.' But it turns out it actually was good news. I guess there must have been some kind of glitch in the system, as they said my deferment I requested (which I did) was approved and I don't have to make payments until August... of 2021. So, if all continues to go well I will, without effort, remain stealthed off their radar for quite a while.

But I try to hang on. I try to let myself be distracted. And hopefully tomorrow will be a good day.

Day 3556 - 3/27 - Lost four

Today I am super tired. There was a weirdness last night that pushed me out of my regular sleeping spot, so I lost about three hours of what would have maybe been sleep, and about one hour of rest. I'm considering taking a nap later, but I'm not quite that tired, at least not yet. And napping tends to wreck me and knock my sleep schedule out of whack. I did get to sleep at the edge of the extreme exhaustion, so I should be ok. (Pushed past that extreme edge and my sleep schedule can be wrecked for weeks.)

It's extremely quiet on campus. Later I have to work on a final project, and in the evening present something, so it should be a pretty busy day.

Hopefully the day will pass ok, I can sleep tonight, and tomorrow will be a better day.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2018
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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